Is this sentence correct?

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Thread: Is this sentence correct?

  1. #1

    Is this sentence correct?

    Commanary Division was home to farm men and woman. Men and women who had recessive traits such as healing, cooking and teaching; were the ones who worked on the farms.

    I feel like there should be a dash or maybe a comma after the word teaching, instead of a semi-colon. But I could be wrong. Just wanted to double check.

  2. #2
    WF Veteran Bloggsworth's Avatar
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    When did skills such as healing, cooking and teaching become recessive traits? Recessive traits a genetic are they not?
    A man in possession of a wooden spoon must be in want of a pot to stir.

  3. #3
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    Quote Originally Posted by Bloggsworth View Post
    When did skills such as healing, cooking and teaching become recessive traits? Recessive traits a genetic are they not?
    I think she's writing speculative fiction.

  4. #4
    Quote Originally Posted by ScarletM.Sinclaire View Post
    Commanary Division was home to farm men and woman. Men and women who had recessive traits such as healing, cooking and teaching; were the ones who worked on the farms.

    I feel like there should be a dash or maybe a comma after the word teaching, instead of a semi-colon. But I could be wrong. Just wanted to double check.
    Yeah, the semicolon is wrong. I suspect a comma is wrong, but I don't know if anyone would mind. Also, it's awkward to have that long of a subject before the verb (were).

    Could you have meant "regressive"?
    How to write a good start: Hidden Content . Useful, original information. Long and thoough.
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    Quote Originally Posted by ScarletM.Sinclaire View Post
    Commanary Division was home to farm men and woman. Men and women who had recessive traits such as healing, cooking and teaching; were the ones who worked on the farms.

    I feel like there should be a dash or maybe a comma after the word teaching, instead of a semi-colon. But I could be wrong. Just wanted to double check.
    Semi-colon is definitely wrong. Also I don't like how you end the first sentence with 'men and women' and then begin the second with 'men and women'. You are overfeeding information and saying the same thing twice. Replace the first men and women with 'farmers' (non gender specific).

    Commanary Division was home to farmers. Men and women who had recessive traits such as healing, cooking and teaching; were the ones who worked on the farms.

    You might also consider cutting "were the ones who worked on the farms" since we already clarified these are farmers and farmers by definition work on farms, right? Put a colon after farmers to show that THESE farmers are the men and women who have the 'recessive traits.

    'Commanary Division' was home to farmers: Men and women who had recessive traits such as healing, cooking and teaching.

    Lastly I would change 'who had' to 'with' because I assume they still have these 'recessive traits' now? "Who had" implies they used to have them but no longer. If Division is the nickname of a zone (a la Hunger Games) then it should probably have quotes.

    'Commanary Division' was home to farmers: Men and women with recessive traits such as healing, cooking and teaching.

    ^ Read this and see what you think.

  6. #6
    No punctuation after "teaching".

    And I agree that it's an unnecessarily awkward sentence, or series of sentences. How about: "Commanary Division was home to farm men and women, known for their recessive traits like healing, cooking and teaching."

  7. #7
    As Bayview said above.

  8. #8
    Quote Originally Posted by ScarletM.Sinclaire View Post
    Commanary Division was home to farm men and woman. Men and women who had recessive traits such as healing, cooking and teaching; were the ones who worked on the farms.

    I feel like there should be a dash or maybe a comma after the word teaching, instead of a semi-colon. But I could be wrong. Just wanted to double check.
    Is this sentence correct? The second sentence is incorrect.

    First, "recessive traits" has to do with genetics, as has been mentioned already. Perhaps "old-fashioned skills" would be better.

    Correcting the punctuation :

    Commanary Division was home to farm men and woman. Men and women, who had recessive traits such as healing, cooking and teaching, were the ones who worked on the farms.

    But it also has the redundant phrase of "men and women". Combining the sentences together eliminates that.

    Commanary Division was home to farm men and woman, who had recessive traits such as healing, cooking and teaching.

    Changing the phrasing as well :

    Commanary Division was home to farm men and woman, who had old-fashioned skills such as healing, cooking and teaching.

  9. #9
    To some extent the comma in the rewrites will depend on the intended meaning.

    Like, I was assuming the "farm men" and "farm women" were, by definition, known for their recessive skills (not that I really understand what's meant by recessive skills, but, whatever). So ALL farm men and women are known for their recessive skills, the way I wrote it. But possibly it's meant that a subset of farm men and women (not just "farmers"?) have these skills, in which case the list of recessive skills is really a part of the description of these particular farmers and I wouldn't give it a comma.

    To simplify...

    The kennel is home to dogs, who are are furry mammals. (suggests that all dogs are furry mammals - the part after the comma is essentially a parenthetical comment just giving us a bit more information about these "dog" creatures)

    The kennel is home to dogs who have no fur. (suggests that we're dealing with a subset of dogs, so the part after "dogs" is needed to get the full meaning of the sentence)

    I'm sure there are grammatical terms to describe this, but I don't know what they are. Sorry!

    So the placement of commas in the rewritten versions will depend on the intended meaning.

    In my suggested version: "Commanary Division was home to farm men and women, known for their recessive traits like healing, cooking and teaching."
    The comma makes the part after "women" into extra, non-vital information. But if we're looking at a subset of farm men and women who have been selected to go and live on the Commanary farms because of their recessive traits, I'd take the comma out: "Commanary Division was home to farm men and women known for their recessive traits like healing, cooking and teaching."

  10. #10
    Quote Originally Posted by Bayview View Post
    To some extent the comma in the rewrites will depend on the intended meaning.

    Like, I was assuming the "farm men" and "farm women" were, by definition, known for their recessive skills (not that I really understand what's meant by recessive skills, but, whatever). So ALL farm men and women are known for their recessive skills, the way I wrote it. But possibly it's meant that a subset of farm men and women (not just "farmers"?) have these skills, in which case the list of recessive skills is really a part of the description of these particular farmers and I wouldn't give it a comma.


    To simplify...

    The kennel is home to dogs, who are are furry mammals. (suggests that all dogs are furry mammals - the part after the comma is essentially a parenthetical comment just giving us a bit more information about these "dog" creatures)

    The kennel is home to dogs who have no fur. (suggests that we're dealing with a subset of dogs, so the part after "dogs" is needed to get the full meaning of the sentence)

    I'm sure there are grammatical terms to describe this, but I don't know what they are. Sorry!

    So the placement of commas in the rewritten versions will depend on the intended meaning.

    In my suggested version: "Commanary Division was home to farm men and women, known for their recessive traits like healing, cooking and teaching."
    The comma makes the part after "women" into extra, non-vital information. But if we're looking at a subset of farm men and women who have been selected to go and live on the Commanary farms because of their recessive traits, I'd take the comma out: "Commanary Division was home to farm men and women known for their recessive traits like healing, cooking and teaching."
    Good point. The punctuation does change with the meaning, and the meaning I assumed may be incorrect.

    No matter what, the semi colon seems wrong.

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