Is this sentence correct? - Page 3


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Thread: Is this sentence correct?

  1. #21
    Quote Originally Posted by ScarletM.Sinclaire View Post
    This is part of my prologue that i posted in Prose Writer Workshop under sub thread Speculative Fiction.

    This sentence is being based off of that prologue, I haven't thought about plot yet. But basically, its a new rule government called Proposition. In this government, humans are no more. The people that inhabit Earth are relatives of humans but they are born with abilities or specific traits.

    Words that we once used, now have different meanings or another word has taken it's place. For example, tills means minutes. Laws have changed and different schisms exist under the government.

    Due to the evolution of this world, things that were once taught behaviors, are now traits. It is something that they are now born with and automatically know how to do. From the moment they are born, and they reach walking/talking age, that will determine if they are an Imperium (Dominant). So as a toddler, if they display authority, or they show fighting skills, leadership skills, they are Dominant.

    If they are able to heal, or cook at 3 years old, they are Recessive.

    It's still an idea in my head, and so I'm still working out the kinks but it's what I've come up with so far.
    Scientifically, that can't happen. Genetics doesn't cover learned action. And three year olds using sharp knives and some type of dangerous heat for cooking? No. Sorry. Not feasible.

    I think this part of your idea needs work. My opinion. Like the female fighter part. It comes across to me as simply trying to be different for the sake of being different.

    If you're going to use existing words with altered meanings, though, the context should supply the new meaning. Otherwise you risk the reader questioning your understanding of vocabulary.


    My opinion, and I am aware of what some here think of my opinions, is that there must always be a rational and realistic reason for things. Otherwise it's just a gimmick.

    Good luck with the project, though!

  2. #22
    Quote Originally Posted by Jack of all trades View Post
    three year olds using sharp knives and some type of dangerous heat for cooking? No. Sorry. Not feasible
    But it is feasible. Now I'm not saying they'll use knives and such, fighting doesn't always mean wealding a knife. Fighting can be physical too, as in using only the body parts. Which is what I'm aiming for (at least until they get older)

    It's no different when you see a 4-5 year old in Karate because that does happen around the world.

    Or there's cooking shows were there's children as young as 5 years old cooking a full meal. I forgot the name of one show, but it has chef Gordon Ramsee in it and he's judging the children's cooking.

    When I lived with Amish people for 3 months, they had the little ones help with the chores and the little girls help with the cooking.

    There's a post on Facebook where a 3 year old girl is helping deliver a foal into the world. As in her arm is inside the womb, pulling out the calf.


    All of this is realistic and does happen across the world.

    As for the women portion of things, I'm sick and tired of women always being portrayed as weak (like we can't fight and defend ourselves, that we always need a man to do our battles, that we need a man in our life all together, etc) That when it comes to war, there are more men than women. (Would add more into this but I'm tired right now and it's 2:00am, hopefully you understand by what I mean when I say weak)

    Why not be different? Why not switch the roles? Make it so the men are seen as the weak ones and the women superior? Make it so that women are more preferred in the roles of fighting or war?

    I don't see anything wrong with it, if I can actually bring it into story context with reasons as to why or how.


    I understand this may cause some controversy and that some people would not agree with it, but it's what I would like to write about and change.

  3. #23
    three year olds using sharp knives and some type of dangerous heat for cooking? No. Sorry. Not feasible
    Just been reading Ben Aaranovich, (that may not be spelled right, but the first letters get him on google, I always think 'Clever author name' ). Never mind kids with knives, mundane, he has the branch of the metropolitan police responsible for magical events tracking down the personification of evil for wrenching an iron railing from a fence and thrusting it through the chest of a river God. The nearest it comes to 'feasable' is that the copper throwing magic fireballs is black. This is fiction man, throw the rules out of the window.

    BTW The first in the series is 'Rivers of London', some are better than others, but they are all worth a read, but only for entertainment, there is little factual information about feasible events.
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  4. #24
    Quote Originally Posted by Jack of all trades View Post
    Scientifically, that can't happen. Genetics doesn't cover learned action. And three year olds using sharp knives and some type of dangerous heat for cooking? No. Sorry. Not feasible.
    You are mostly correct if you are just talking about human genetics. But it can happen in other species. Several species of invertebrates have been shown to pass learned functions on to subsequent generations of off-spring. And, even in humans, there are cases where outside influences can alter the genetic code. Identical twins -- whose DNA are carbon copies of one another at birth -- show subtle differences in their genetic structure later in life, which would then be passed on to their children. So life experiences (learning) can affect genetics. It's not unreasonable to speculate that an alien species -- even if periperipherally related to humans -- could have a genetic structure which would allow for learned abilities to be codified into their DNA. Many of the traits we call instincts, like the innate fear of falling and jumping at loud, unexpected sounds, were originally learned behaviors in our simian ancestors.

    I also remember reading about a tribe in Africa which inhabited such a desolate place that simply surviving was a full-time job. In their culture a child was considered self-sufficient and expected to live on his/her own at three years old without parental intervention.
    “Fools” said I, “You do not know
    Silence like a cancer grows
    Hear my words that I might teach you
    Take my arms that I might reach you”
    But my words like silent raindrops fell
    And echoed in the wells of silence : Simon & Garfunkel


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  5. #25
    Quote Originally Posted by Terry D View Post
    You are mostly correct if you are just talking about human genetics. But it can happen in other species. Several species of invertebrates have been shown to pass learned functions on to subsequent generations of off-spring. And, even in humans, there are cases where outside influences can alter the genetic code. Identical twins -- whose DNA are carbon copies of one another at birth -- show subtle differences in their genetic structure later in life, which would then be passed on to their children. So life experiences (learning) can affect genetics. It's not unreasonable to speculate that an alien species -- even if periperipherally related to humans -- could have a genetic structure which would allow for learned abilities to be codified into their DNA. Many of the traits we call instincts, like the innate fear of falling and jumping at loud, unexpected sounds, were originally learned behaviors in our simian ancestors.

    I also remember reading about a tribe in Africa which inhabited such a desolate place that simply surviving was a full-time job. In their culture a child was considered self-sufficient and expected to live on his/her own at three years old without parental intervention.
    I am aware of life experiences altering genetics. Concentration camp survivors have demonstrated such. However, there's a huge difference between startling at strange sounds and something as complicated as cooking.

    I'd love to read about that African tribe, if you can tell me where you read it. I suspect they weren't going off and living independently at age three, but rather requiring less supervision than first world nation familes give to their three year olds. But I'll keep an open mind until I read the article.


    To address some of the other points made, all I could find about Gordon Ramsay working with children specified the children were nine years old, not five and not three. Also, those kinds of cooking shows always have sous chefs assisting, so the children making the food "on their own" is a bit off.

    Recently I've watched some documentaries about leaving the Amish, and there were several references to the Amish way of life being like a cult. Indeed, my own thought when I read that the careers were chosen for people based on the aptitude they showed at age three was "this is slavery". In fact, I co-wrote a piece that showed how a society was severely dysfunctional because careers were chosen based on an aptitude test given at age seven. So I pretty prejudiced about such things, possibly more so than the average reader.

    Another thing that bothered me is the dichotomy between the women having traditional roles of cook, healer and teacher, but also having atypical roles such as fighter. So what do the men do?

    I am aware that this is fiction, but I see a difference between fantasy, like Harry Potter, where there's magic, or something set on an alien world, and something set in the normal world but in the future, which is what this sounds like to me. I have different expectations for each type of fiction.

    Coming up with something different just for the sake of being different is a kind of gimmick. Those can be successful or total flops. I tend to not like gimmicks, personally.

    This kind of content critique is not typically done here, I know. And not very appreciated. But if I had something that took a reader who was interested and turned him off, I'd want to know early on, when addressing the situation was easiest. Better than waiting until the book is finished and getting a ton of rejections without explanation, or beta readers not finishing the book because of "personal problems that interefered".

    I had a spot at about one third of the way into my first book where the story seemed wrapped up. It took two years and five beta readers to discover the problem! Everyone was oh, so polite, but couldn't get around to finishing the book. It took a lot of time, patience and persistence to get to the root of the problem. So I bring up my opinions on content out of
    respect, believe it or not. I am totally aware that my opinions are just that -- opinions. Nor do I believe I speak for all readers. But I think it is important to let writers know what's going on in my mind so that they can be aware that some readers may have similar issues. It's up to the writer to figure out if I'm in the target audience, and there's a potential problem, or I'm not, and my opinions have less value. But if I keep my opinions to myself, and I am representative of the target audience, then my silence hurts the writer.

    I believe I should walk away from this discussion, and avoid future posts concerning this project. I cannot promise that I won't stumble across a piece of it in the future, but I won't seek it out. I wish Ms. Sinclaire well, and luck with this project.

  6. #26
    If it's any help I just spell checked the sentence and it likes the semi-colon!!

  7. #27
    Member Sync's Avatar
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    I think you are over-thinking grammar, stopping your writing for no reason.


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