Is this sentence correct? - Page 2

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Thread: Is this sentence correct?

  1. #11
    This would be my go at it.

    Commanary Division was home to the farmers, men and women with recessive skills like healing, cooking, and teaching.
    “Fools” said I, “You do not know
    Silence like a cancer grows
    Hear my words that I might teach you
    Take my arms that I might reach you”
    But my words like silent raindrops fell
    And echoed in the wells of silence : Simon & Garfunkel


    Those who enjoy stirring the chamber-pot should be required to lick the spoon.

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  2. #12
    Quote Originally Posted by Bayview View Post
    No punctuation after "teaching".

    And I agree that it's an unnecessarily awkward sentence, or series of sentences. How about: "Commanary Division was home to farm men and women, known for their recessive traits like healing, cooking and teaching."

    Thank you! this sentence was bothersome to me. Yours makes much better sense! You mind if I use it?

  3. #13
    Blackstone, you would be correct on that. :]

  4. #14
    Quote Originally Posted by Blackstone View Post
    I think she's writing speculative fiction.
    Mean to reply by quote the first time, but C'est la vie.

    But yes, you would be correct on that.

  5. #15
    Quote Originally Posted by ScarletM.Sinclaire View Post
    Thank you! this sentence was bothersome to me. Yours makes much better sense! You mind if I use it?
    Be my guest.

  6. #16
    Just a shot here -

    Commanary Division was home to farm men and woman. Men and women Those who had recessive traits such as healing, cooking and teaching were the ones who worked on the farms.


    I guess it just depends on how much you want that sentence to read the way you wrote it originally. I don't know - just a guess. (Took out "men and women" in the second sentence so it wasn't duplicated, but still doesn't work does it?)
    When the night has come
    And the land is dark
    And the moon is the only light we'll see
    No, I won't be afraid, no I won't be afraid
    Just as long as you stand by me.


  7. #17
    re·ces·sive /rsesiv/

    adjective

    1. relating to or denoting heritable characteristics controlled by genes that are expressed in offspring only when inherited from both parents, i.e., when not masked by a dominant characteristic inherited from one parent.
    2. undergoing an economic recession.
    3. (of the stress on a word or phrase) tending to fall on the first syllable.

    noun

    a recessive trait or gene.


    Recessive doesn't work in this context. Skills are not inherited, although they are passed along as in taught. It has nothing to do with a slumped economy, or word pronunciation.

  8. #18
    Quote Originally Posted by ScarletM.Sinclaire View Post
    . Men and women who had recessive traits such as healing, cooking and teaching; were the ones who worked on the farms.

    I feel like there should be a dash or maybe a comma after the word teaching, instead of a semi-colon. But I could be wrong. Just wanted to double check.
    'such as cooking, healing, and teaching' is a subordinate phrase. You can spot them by taking them out, if the sentence still works it is a subordinate phrase and should have a comma each end separating it.

    taken out,
    Men and women who had recessive traits were the ones who worked on the farms.
    still works , so,
    Men and women who had recessive traits, such as healing, cooking and teaching, were the ones who worked on the farms.
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  9. #19
    Thanks you guys are amazing! Sometimes I wonder what I would do if I have not found this forum. My writing is decent but omg do I struggle. Nice to have other people help me through this.

  10. #20
    Quote Originally Posted by Jack of all trades View Post
    re·ces·sive /rsesiv/

    adjective

    1. relating to or denoting heritable characteristics controlled by genes that are expressed in offspring only when inherited from both parents, i.e., when not masked by a dominant characteristic inherited from one parent.
    2. undergoing an economic recession.
    3. (of the stress on a word or phrase) tending to fall on the first syllable.

    noun

    a recessive trait or gene.


    Recessive doesn't work in this context. Skills are not inherited, although they are passed along as in taught. It has nothing to do with a slumped economy, or word pronunciation.

    This is part of my prologue that i posted in Prose Writer Workshop under sub thread Speculative Fiction.

    This sentence is being based off of that prologue, I haven't thought about plot yet. But basically, its a new rule government called Proposition. In this government, humans are no more. The people that inhabit Earth are relatives of humans but they are born with abilities or specific traits.

    Words that we once used, now have different meanings or another word has taken it's place. For example, tills means minutes. Laws have changed and different schisms exist under the government.

    Due to the evolution of this world, things that were once taught behaviors, are now traits. It is something that they are now born with and automatically know how to do. From the moment they are born, and they reach walking/talking age, that will determine if they are an Imperium (Dominant). So as a toddler, if they display authority, or they show fighting skills, leadership skills, they are Dominant.

    If they are able to heal, or cook at 3 years old, they are Recessive.

    It's still an idea in my head, and so I'm still working out the kinks but it's what I've come up with so far.
    Last edited by ScarletM.Sinclaire; April 14th, 2018 at 12:56 AM.

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