Random Poetry Thought (53 Words)
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  1. #1
    Member JellyTrigger's Avatar
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    Post Random Poetry Thought (53 Words)

    Dear fellow readers,
    I just wanted to share another piece of my work.

    Hope you enjoy this short.

    Sincerely,
    Christian Rodriguez
    The Newbie Writer

    "Random Thought"

    Further and further we drift apart,
    Constantly hurt from my bleeding heart.
    Fearing one day we may depart,
    I wonder if it's possible for a restart.
    Her smile fades like a flickering light,
    Leaving emotions that may never ignite .
    Maybe it's true we'll never unite,
    But I won't leave without a fight.


  2. #2
    Jelly Trigger - That's the spirit. If your drifting apart, do what must be done to close the gap. If you give up, you will never know what little thing will spark that ignition or flame a re-ignition. Ironic it is JT that random thoughts are often poetically right on target. Enjoyed this. Namyh
    Last edited by Namyh; April 11th, 2018 at 09:33 PM.

  3. #3
    Member JellyTrigger's Avatar
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    Dear Namyh,

    I do find it amusing myself that most of my good writing comes completely random freewriting. Sometimes it totally missed the court, but other times I sink in a nice 3 pointer hahaha! Really glad you enjoyed it and I hope you will read my work again sometime.

    Thanks!

    Sincerely,
    Christian

  4. #4



    further and further we drift apart
    her smile fades like a flickering light
    constantly hurt from my bleeding heart
    leaving emotions that may never ignite
    fearing one day we simply part
    maybe it's true we'll never unite
    I wonder if it's possible for a restart
    but I won't leave without a fight

    Since you titled it random, you might play with randomizing the lines as I did above, for example. Regardless, I do suggest a small change in wording to use "part" rather than "depart" since the meanings are different. I would also consider changing "constantly." Nice poem.
    Last edited by musichal; April 15th, 2018 at 03:41 PM.

    How sweet the moonlight sleeps upon this bank!
    Here will we sit, and let the sounds of music
    Creep into our ears: soft stillness and the night
    Become the touches of sweet harmony.

    - Shakespeare,
    Merchant...Act 5


  5. #5
    Lots of feeling coming through in this poem, JT. Well done.

    Just starting out on the adventure of poetry? Why not join us on
    Poetry Hill where you will receive one-to-one advice and suggestions for ways to work with your poem.





    My Poems




  6. #6
    Member JellyTrigger's Avatar
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    Dear musichal,

    Initially I was just playing around with ideas so I don't really have a title for this piece or anything hahaha! I do like how you switched it around, it seems to flow better and thank you for the words adjustments. I didn't even notice some of my grammatical errors. I really appreciate you pointing those out to me. I'm so glad you enjoyed it!

    Dear jenthepen,

    Thanks mentor, I will continue to work on my poems until they get better. I appreciate the support!

    Sincerely,
    Christian Rodriguez

    The Newbie Writer

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