LMNF March 2018 Scores.

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  1. #1
    Global Moderator H.Brown's Avatar
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    LMNF March 2018 Scores.

    So folks the scores are in and March's winner, let's all put our hands together for Plasticweld and his entry: Behind Every Passionate Man is a Woman.

    H.Brown PhythmOvPain Mikeyboy_esq Blackstone Total
    Velo 18 21 15 16 70
    SueC 25 22.5 19 20 86.5
    MJ Preston 13 13 13 14 53
    Plasticweld 24 23 20 22 89

    I read the 4 entries for the March Nonfiction Contest. Below are my scores/comments.

    1) Velo/Truth about psychedelics
    SPAG: 3
    TONE: 2
    MESSAGE: 5
    OVERALL: 15
    Comments: Several spelling and punctuation errors found in mostparagraphs. Might consider explaining technical terms (i.e., stage 3clinical trials). Might consideravoiding uncommon words (i.e., efficacious). Message was crystal clear: Author advocates for less strict illegal druglaws. Author gave some examples/studiesto support the position that certain “illegal” drugs are harmless to users, butthis piece could have been much stronger if the author also addressed the examples/studiesthat indicate “illegal” drug use can be harmful.

    2) SueC/Packing Heat
    SPAG: 4
    TONE: 4
    MESSAGE: 5
    OVERALL: 19
    Comments: Only a few minor grammar and spelling errors found. Message was crystalclear: Author advocates hiring armed guards to stop school shootings and letteachers focus on teaching (rather than arming the teachers). Author opened herpiece with a personal story that was both interesting and emotional. However, sheprobably spent too much time on that story rather than supporting her argumentsfor her position.

    3) MJ Preston / F_ed-up Family Story
    SPAG: 3
    TONE: 4
    MESSAGE: 2
    OVERALL: 13
    Comments: No clear point/message. Based on the author’s last sentence, it isclear this is an unfinished piece. Found at least a few punctuation errors anda missing word (“a”). In one sentence, the author’s statement about a tragic drowningaccident involving his brother is confusing as it also describes the victim asthe author’s dad’s son. I finally understood it after re-reading the sentence atime or two. Strong details used in the story, just needed a good ending tobring it all together and make a clear point/message.

    4) Bob Brown / Behind Every Passionate Man is a Woman
    SPAG: 4
    TONE: 4
    MESSAGE: 4
    OVERALL: 20
    Comments: Found a few minor comma and spelling errors. Message is mostly clear (author has a passion for many different careers/businesses and his wife is very supportive/understanding).Good delivery included appropriate use of details and very relatable and interesting stories. This was myfavorite entry this month.

    The Truth About Psychedelics - Velo

    SPAG: 5
    Voice/Tone: 2
    Message: 3
    Delivery: 6
    Overall: 16
    Comments: Not bad, but for me lacked a punch. The writer selected a topic that has received wide coverage and their views on it fit the usual narrative of those who advocate laxer drug laws. Facts were clearly stated. Conclusion was made clear from the beginning and made me question the use of time in reading.

    Packing Heat - SueC

    SPAG: 5
    Voice/Tone: 4
    Message: 3
    Delivery: 8
    Overall: 20
    Comments: A good piece. Concise and clear. Well written. I enjoyed how it began with a deeply personal and moving anecdote and how this was tied to an issue that is also personal and moving for many. The actual pivot to the gun issue felt rushed however given the word count and the amount the writer was attempting to say within the word count I found myself able to forgive the slight disconnect. Points off for linking to a third party article - again I understand this was probably necessary however good essay writing should be self-contained.

    Untitled - MJ Preston

    SPAG: 4
    Voice/Tone: 4
    Message: 2
    Delivery: 4
    Overall: 14
    Comments: This piece appears to be untitled and unfinished.

    Behind Every Passionate Man - Plasticweld

    SPAG: 5
    Voice/Tone: 5
    Message: 4
    Delivery: 8
    OVerall: 22
    Comments: This is the narrow winner for me. It is unquestionably the simplest and least data-driven subject matter of all but as a result there is far less convincing needed and the writer is able to wax from a personal standpoint. The writers use of repetition adds rhythm which aids in readability and prevents it seeming like a lecture. Kudos for taking a rather blase word - 'passion' - and injecting life.

    These were mostly very interesting to judge; a lot of great and creative ideas to make essays more entertaining.

    HOWEVER. There can only be one. These scores will go into that decision, so I hope you guys can appreciate my critique/final scores.


    Entrant #1: velo - The Truth About Psychedelics [699]

    The Truth About Psychedelics

    Psychedelic drugs have a bad reputation in popular culture. They are poorly understood and suffer from decades of anti-drug propaganda fueled by fear and hysteria rather than facts. The Nixon-era poloticising of drugs such as LSD, psilocybin (magic mushrooms), MDMA, and mescaline (peyote) has created not only an inaccurate and paranoid view concerning psychedelic substances but also a potentially harmful one.

    We know from audio tape that Nixon's motivations were not altruistic, for the common good, or for any other reason than to be able to arrest 'those dirty hippies.' There is no science to back up these substances being on the DEA's Schedule I, reserved for drugs with a high level of addictive potential and no medical use whatsoever.

    Marijuana is the most commonly known inappropriately scheduled substance for which there is clear evidence that it is safe, non-addictive, and has well-documented medical uses. Dozens of US states have 'medical marijuana' laws, which are based on science and public opinion, in direct contradiction to the DEA's strict prohibition.

    It is impossible to overdose on magic mushrooms. To ingest the LD50 dose of psilocybin from the average 'shroom', psilocybe cubensis, an average-sized person would need to eat the volume of a large couch of dried mushrooms. Mushrooms are regularly used in healing ceremonies and research is currently underway in Europe to investigate indications that they can be used to treat depression. Mushrooms can also be a highly effective tool for psychotherapists and mental health practitioners in treating trauma and other psychological conditions.

    MDMA, usually associated with the street drug ecstasy, is heavily vilified by concerned parents as it is common among young club-goers in major cities. While there is some danger to the unsupervised use of MDMA in a club setting, the risks of its use are highly exaggerated. A 2-year investigation from 1984-1986 found the MDMA was useful in therapy but the DEA ignored this recommendation. Prior to this, it was an efficacious tool that many psychotherapists employed with their patients.

    MDMA is currently in stage 3 clinical trials for the treatment of PTSD. Studies have shown that after 1 or 2 sessions of MDMA-assisted psychotherapy most (83% in one study) patients do not meet the criteria for PTSD up to 3 years after treatment. It can effectively cure PTSD without the difficulties of more mainstream therapies. In August of 2017 the US Food and Drug Administration labelled MDMA as a 'breakthrough therapy' for PTSD.

    LSD and mescaline create similar experiences to that of psilocybin. They are non-addictive, non-toxic, and can be used in healing and therapeutic contexts to help individuals face truths about themselves and reveal paths to more normal and fulfilling lives.

    Psychedelic substances have what many believe to be significant and untapped possibilities for treating psychological pain. By restricting these drugs, we harm not only individuals but society as a whole.

    Possession of any amount of a Schedule I substance is a felony in every state. A person's life can be ruined merely for having a gram or two (a relatively small dose) of magic mushroom that can do neither that person or any one else harm. Some argue that people may harm others while on psychedelics but the same argument can be made for anything used irresponsibly.

    We allow people to drive home from bars knowing full well that drinking and driving can and does harm and kill people every day. Alcohol is provably more toxic and harmful than any psychedelic by several orders of magnitude yet it is legal in every state and citizens are expected to use it responsibly. This double standard makes little sense when the evidence is considered.

    How much incalculable harm is also done by keeping these drugs out of the hands of responsible and caring people who can use them to help others in pain? How many lives could be improved if MDMA or psilocybin were back in the toolkits of therapists? There is no way to know beyond 'a great many.'

    Current drug laws and attitudes are not based on facts, but on political hyperbole and misdirection. It is time to change; science and reason should be society's rudders, not fear and ignorance.
    1. SPaG - Impeccable. Honestly, you impressed me with your knowledge of the essay formula. No spelling errors. No punctuation errors. Flawless victory... except there were a couple of instances you flipped the comma before the apostrophe, which irked me. =x

    5/5 (excellent example of a well constructed persuasive essay)

    2. Tone & Voice - Nothing else to say except everything was implemented to full effect. I feel like this essay had the most to say, if only because of how much research you pulled out your ass to write it; and write it you did well.

    5/5 (every time a paragraph begins, it ends with a decisive conclusion; there's no moments where the author doesn't demand my attention ((although, I am a fan of the subject, and I'm not going to scrutinize the information unless someone demands it of me))).

    3. Message - Eh. It's a cliche subject that's been argued for decades, but the man argues it well. I can't find an instance where you fail to follow through on everything you say, conclusively finishing your argument on a high note in my opinion; HOWEVER, a lamen likely wouldn't want to read it, and opposition would still be able to formulate a valid argue against it.

    4/5 (if only because it's so verbose and opinionated in nature)

    4. Delivery - NOW for the hurtpiece.

    7/10 (this isn't college, and you're not writing a book; this was an essay without a clear purpose; it seems almost propagandic in nature, which I mean isn't something I particularly care about, but it just feels like you're doing too much.


    It would have worked much better if you decided which type of essay you wanted to write; you wrote like three of them real quick imo, and I'll be damned if you didn't do it better than I could have.


    Entrant # 2: SueC - Packing Heat [693]

    Quote Originally Posted by Packing Heat
    (one word of language) 694 wds.

    One rainy early October night, when I was in sixth grade, my mother was struck by a hit and run driver on a busy Chicago street. She was in the hospital for almost two months before she was finally able to come home.

    During those months, and in my childishness, it occurred to me that her condition was my fault because she had stopped that night at Woolworths to buy me yarn. It was when she had gotten out of the car on the street side that she was struck. I told no one how I felt; I just kept it inside, worried that my mother, lying in her hospital bed near death, was angry with me.

    One day in school after the accident, something was said in class that propelled me up out of my desk and down the hall into the girl’s bathroom. When I got there, I didn’t know what to do, so I went down on my knees and crawled under one of the sinks and started to cry. I can’t now recall what the specific comment was, but I do remember what happened after. My teacher, Mrs. Kepler, found me in the bathroom, rolled up in a ball and sobbing my heart out. My lovely sixth grade teacher, a lay woman in the midst of nuns, in her nylons, heels and pretty dress, got down on her hands and knees on the bathroom floor, and crawled under that sink with me.

    She held me; rocked me in her arms and didn’t let go. We stayed that way until I could get control of myself. Then Mrs. Kepler helped me up, washed my face and just listened to me tell her how I was feeling, what I was afraid of. She told me what happened to my mom wasn’t my fault, and it was all my eleven year old self needed to hear. She held my hand as we walked back to class, and to this day, I wish I had been able to tell her how much her kindness had meant to me. I will never forget it.

    Mrs. Kepler was the type of teacher I grew up with; all kind, all concerned about student welfare. The point of this true story is to show that teachers do not just teach. They use all they are, all they have learned and experienced, to reach children who need them. This was their choice, who they wanted to be in life. They are a child’s caretaker, the ones who can happily share a child’s success with a parent, and the ones who can spot a child in trouble a mile away.

    Some of the many qualities of an “excellent teacher,” can be found on [url

    Great teachers are warm and accessible. They respect and understand students, and can relate to the way they feel. By valuing all students’ ideas and opinions, teachers help students learn to respect and listen to others.

    Fast forward to today. It has been suggested that we go against everything we know about teachers; their character, their willingness to help, their “warmth and accessibility,” and put guns in their hands instead. We can ignore their natural inclinations to be helpful, and train them to stuff those qualities way down deep¸ so far down that they won’t interfere with the task at hand. Let’s train them to shoot to kill instead; to shoot a troubled child who may even look like, or be, one of his or her own students. We can turn this whole school-shooting issue around on a dime, can’t we?

    Not even close.

    Considering the time, money and resources that would be needed to re-train a teacher to use weaponry, would it not make more sense to hire non-teaching staff who have experience, have ability and an interest in firearms? Would it not be better to just leave the teaching profession to those who only want to educate our children?

    “I'm a teacher and if they put guns in my school I'm out. Every other teacher I know is out. Parents will pull kids out. It's FUCKING INSANE.” Twitter – Liz Murdock
    1. SPaG - Flawless in its simplicity. Zero issues from a formatting standpoint ("Not even close" may have been unnecessary, but it fits naturally imo); zero typos.

    5/5 (I like the way you wrote this personally because I use waaaaaay too many punctuation marks than necessary xD)

    2. Tone & Voice - Holy shit.

    5/5 (100% convincing, 100% persuasive, 100% well spoken - if she was a speech writer, I'd hire her)

    3. Message - I feel like this was the weakest point of the essay, and it will reflect in the final score, I'm sure. It began as a personal, heartfelt story about tragedy, and ended as an anti-gun war cry. I mean, honestly; what did the first half have to do with the close?

    3.5/5 (a beautifully written mess; two essays in one, I'd reckon)

    4. Delivery - Majestic.

    9/10 (it flattened out when you changed topics)


    I enjoyed reading this essay because I feel like in the right setting, it could move an opinion or two. Thanks for sharing.


    Entrant #4: Plasticweld - Behind every passionate man is a good woman [689]

    Behind every passionate man is a good woman. By bob Brown.

    pas·sion·ate ˈpaSH(ə)nət/

    showing or caused by strong feelings or a strong belief.

    intense, impassioned, ardent, fervent, vehement, heated, emotional, heartfelt, eager, excited, animated, adrenalized, spirited, energetic, fervid, frenzied, fiery, wild, consuming,

    Merriam-Webster seems to have left off a very important word in its description of the word passionate and that is, ‘Annoying.’

    My wife will tell you that she has lived with someone who is both passionate and annoying and that they are one in the same. She would be the first to tell you that this particular person is also irritating, infuriating, exasperating, maddening, trying and tiresome. All which happen to be synonyms for annoying, not passionate.

    What am I passionate about? Everything. I have never been accused of being luke warm about anything in life; I am a not a half way kind of guy. Once a new thought or a new project gets in my mind, there is no letting go.

    I was passionate about farming when I was a young man. I read all I could about it. I worked on a farm, talked about farming with other farmers. I thought about farming all of the time, it was an obsession. My wife knew about this when she said, “I do.” What she didn’t know about was all the things, she would have to do. This was the beginning of her understanding of the word passionate.

    I decided next to become passionate about logging and my own logging company. She had to learn about all of the things involved with running a logging company. It was her first taste of learning about, taxes, insurance and state regulations.

    I became passionate about commercial fishing and leased a lobster boat. I had the time of my life on the high seas. My wife learned how to sell crabmeat and lobster to restaurants, she learned all about trucking and shipping food across state lines.

    I became passionate about building docks and retaining walls along the lake. I got to spend my days working on the water outside and enjoying the fresh air. She got to learn about state and federal waterways and how to get permits.

    I became passionate about starting a welding company, so passionate that I even put it in her name. She got to learn about unions, about kickbacks and bribes. She learned about bidding on state contracts, and the finer points of contracts, that seemed to either make you or break you. I got to work outside and build large commercial buildings.

    I became passionate about repairing motorcycles and racing motorcycles. She got to learn all about interstate shipping, dealing with credit cards and customers that don’t pay. She got to learn all about internet advertising and dealing with customers. I got to fix motorcycles and race motorcycles. I was very happy.

    Since I met my wife I have been passionate about 14 businesses, each time I got to try my hand at something new and exciting. Each time my wife got to learn a whole set of new skills so that I could succeed.

    I have become passionate about writing. My wife sits next to me while I pound away on the keys. The steady tapping annoys her, so she listens to her music on her head phones. She asks me if I am going to write all night? “Just a little more is my response.” When she asks what I am I writing about, I just smile and say, “You Honey.” She just rolls her eyes and shakes her head.

    In my ventures, I have been excited, adrenalized, energetic and consumed. Yet my real passion is for my wife who puts up with me despite my passion.

    I can still look at her with a straight face and calmly say, “I have an idea for a new business.” She will roll her eyes, cuss under her breath and say, “I love you, but No!” She and I have both lived passionately over the years. I am pretty sure our definitions of the word Passionate, might mean some thing different to both of us.
    1. SPaG - It's loaded with well written sentences, as well as sentences which *could* have been written better; I can't say that it's flawless.

    4.5/5 (zero spelling errors, stellar formatting, and an appropriate amount of commas, but these paragraphs could be more condensed)

    2. Voice & Tone - It's a narrative essay, through and through without. I have no qualms with how it's presented whatsoever outside of the overwhelming use of the word "passionate."

    4.5/5 (passionate)

    3. Message - passionate.

    5/5 (passionate)

    4. Delivery - There was an astounding amount of clarity and cohesiveness in this essay; never did it venture from the main topic or sway in context. If I were to be frank, it's what it's supposed to be and nothing more, less, or else.

    9/10 (you recycled one word so much it ruined this entire essay for me... guess which one it was xD )


    Well damn, I wasn't even expecting this one to win my vote. Kudos to you, sir.


    Entrant #3: MJ Preston - untitled [indeterminable]

    Sometimes the hardest place to start is at the beginning. But that is where every story begins, and that’s where I’m going to start. I’m not here for your sympathies. I’m not here to cry on anyone's shoulder. But… If you’ll excuse my French, I’m going to tell you some fucked up shit. Shit that is going to make you shake your head in disbelief.

    Maybe you’ll identify, perhaps you won’t.

    My earliest memories go back to my third or perhaps even into my fourth year of life. That would have been around 1969. By that time the cold finger of death had already visited our family. I do not remember the event, and I think I have flashes, but it was my oldest brother, Tony who was most affected. That is not to diminish a mother’s grief. My mother suffered plenty. My father, I can’t speak for. He was piss poor example for a man, always doing the wrong thing, always on the wrong side of the law. Strange that he could spawn such a caring human being such as my brother, Tony. On cold spring day, two boys set down to the thawing St Lawrence and when the ice broke only one went home. Our brother, Kenneth, only seven, was taken by the cold, unforgiving current of the river.
    It would send our world into turmoil and alter the course of our lives.

    That’s where the tragedy started. My mother became a heavy drinker, my father would abuse her physically and treat her with great disrespect. My father was on the lamb from the cops when my brother, his son, Kenneth was put into the ground in Montreal. He skipped his son’s funeral because the police had the funeral staked out. I gotta say this. What a fucking man.

    Those years with him in the house I could only remember a couple good memories. Watching television on an old black and white and I remember being in the shower with him and looking at his prison tattoos and asking, “what’s that?” To which he told me that it was a bad mistake he’d made marking up his skin like that and that “I should never do it.”

    That was the positive.

    When we moved from Montreal down to Hamilton, Ontario, we were told not to give our real names at the school. Both myself and Tony went to school under the alias, Gardner. That’s because there an RCMP all points bulletin out for our father, Anthony Preston who was wanted for armed robbery.

    I think I was five by then, the 60’s were gone and the 70’s served up a whole new decade of dysfunction.

    I think you said 500 words, so I’ll get to the rest later.
    1. SPag - There's not a lot of errors outside of choppy sentence structure. Honestly it's sloppy as hell, but still legible.

    3/5 (It's not an essay, it's not complete, and it's written awkwardly)

    2. Voice and Tone - Eh. It's an interesting read, and it's got a lot of personality. I can't say anything bad.

    4/5 (if it was more concise and had an ending, it would have gotten a five)

    3. Message - ... wut?

    1/5 (what was this even supposed to be about? It's like a memoir or an except from the preface to an autobiography)

    4. Delivery - I'unno. It's a little bad because you never really have a final conclusion.

    5/10 (cut me some slack, I really didn't even want to score this one but did so anyway)


    Due to lack of a title and improper formatting, this poem is technically ineligible? I scored it out of respect to the competition and the author. Sorry if it seems rude, but why the hell didn't you just finish it?


    Let me first start off by saying that this was another tough month to judge, we had four quality entries and I enjoyed reading them all. Thank you for participating.

    Plasticweld-Behind every passionate man is a good woman.

    Spag 5
    T+v 5
    M 4
    D 10
    O 24
    Comments: Plastic for me this was a brilliant essay about passion. I enjoy reading it and learning more about both you and your wife. I can relate to her, my other half is a passionate guy and once he gets an idea in his head it unshakable. I found no spag issues, your tone and voice was clear and constant throughout. You delivery fantastic but your message let it down slightly for me as I think it could have been made clearer in your closing statement. But overall a great entry.


    Spag 3
    T+v 4
    M 2
    D 4
    O 13
    Comments: 'On'-I think that this should have been One cold spring...Some of your grammar also feels placed in the wrong place. I didn't pick up on much of a message within this piece and it also reads more like a memoir rather than an essay which was the form. Which is reflected in your scores. You carry the first person narrative voice well and maintain it through out but it is the wrong form of delivery.[/QUOTE]

    SueC-Packing Heat.
    Spag 5
    T+v 5
    M 5
    D 10
    Comments: Wow Sue, this a perfect entry. I found no spag issues, you have a clear and informative voice. Your tone changes to suit the clear message that you put forward in your essay. The sprinkling of quotes and outside sources helped drive your message home. A great entry Sue.

    Velo-The truth about Psycodelics.
    Spag 3
    T+v 5
    M 5
    D 5
    O 18
    Comments: Velo I think you use the wrong grammar and have a typo in the following sentence: 'DEA's Schedule I, reserved...' Would read better as, ..being on the DEA's schedule. Reserved for... It makes the sentences stronger. The word schedule does not need to be capitalised all the time either. You present a clear message in your writing, well done and your tone was informative and argumentative which kept my attention to the end. I liked the delivery of questions towards the end making the reader think and dragging them into the debate. A great entry, well done and nicely improved Velo.

    I want to thank my fellow judges for putting in their own time to score and critique for this month's challenge. So thank you ROvP, Mikeyboy and Blackstone, you have each made the scores more interesting. I would like to thank all our entrant's for submitting such quality work.

    Congratulations to Plasticweld for his winning entry.

    I look forward to seeing a good turn out for April's challenge.
    Fancy joining a photgraphy group? The check out the Hidden Content group.

    Visit My Blog to get to know me better.Hidden Content Hidden Content A fun group of like minded new writers.
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    Why not check out the Hidden Content and join in the latest challenge discussions.

  2. #2
    Global Moderator velo's Avatar
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    For H. Brown, a technical note- The US DEA uses a formal list of drug classifications, Schedule I through Schedule V. It's always capped, in my experience, and uses the roman numeral. So "Schedule I" was correct as a proper noun.

    Thanks to all the judges for their comments.
    My blog- Hidden Content thoughts on trauma and healing through psychedelic-assisted psychotherapy

    "When a child is abused, he or she will often internalise that abuse as deserved. It is a cruel reality that a child needs the parent so much, is evolutionarily programmed to trust them so implicitly, that when a parent is abusive the child will take the blame rather than completely upend their world and blame the person they depend on for survival." -velo

  3. #3
    Great job, Plasticweld!!
    When the night has come
    And the land is dark
    And the moon is the only light we'll see
    No, I won't be afraid, no I won't be afraid
    Just as long as you stand by me.

  4. #4
    Wow, I'm impressed, Bob. Your spelling in particular is especially improved, and it's a great little essay.

    So congratulations. You kept at it and now you have an award for it. I salute you

    Hidden Content

    Hey, check out Gertie's blog on her favorite top twenty-five albums between 1955-2017 Hidden Content

    And twice a week I'm posting my memoirs of Mom for anyone who wants to take a look

    Hidden Content

  5. #5
    A big 'Thank You' to the judges who volunteered their time and energy to judge, and to Hanna to organize. I appreciate the feedback, your thoughts and advice. I will confess I looked at this last night and saw my name and score in red, and figured I was disqualified for something. It did not occur to me that I had won...A nice surprise.

    Thanks Stan and Sue. It does not seem like it was that long ago that I joined the forum to learn how to write. These Challenges have been a great learning tool for me, and I have only the judges and the organizers here on the WF to thank. It goes to show anyone, that if you willing to take a few lumps and humble yourself to accept criticism. Put into practice some of the advice offered, you can really learn how to write, or in my case at least improve.
    God hates a coward Revelation 21:8

    “Good writin' ain't necessarily good readin'.”

    Hidden Content ,

    To encourage and facilitate "me"

  6. #6
    Well done, Bob. A well deserved win!
    Hidden Content

    Flashes now accepting submissions. Please submit your poetry, flash fiction and writing articles <Hidden Content >

  7. #7
    Member RhythmOvPain's Avatar
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    Congratulations on writing such a stellar essay, Pw.
    My favorite word in the English language is "shenanigans." My favorite thing to do is cause them.

    Smoke weed everyday.


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