Beginning of a short story I am currently writing. First 300 words - Page 2

Page 2 of 2 FirstFirst 12
Results 11 to 16 of 16
  1. #11
    I did like it it caught my attention and you ended too soon I want to know what happens next.

    My only note would be some minor spelling and grammar errors. But nothing a quick re-read can't fix. Though I'd recommend Grammarly I use it and it's helped me a lot more than the stock spell and grammar checker.

  2. #12
    Member Guslar's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jul 2018
    Location
    Belgrade, Serbia
    Posts
    15
    Quote Originally Posted by H.Brown View Post
    My advice would be to swap any words that state what the character is feeling with words that conate the feeeling without stating the characters mind set, for example instead of saying I was worried you could write, Trembling as thoughts chased each other around my head... it draws the reader into the action while also conotating the character's emotional state. I hope this helps, as I enjoyed the overall premise of this story and would be interested in reading a redraft.
    I completely agree.

    His writing style is good and has a natural flow to it, which is only broken and feels "mechanical" and too descriptive when he explicitly states "I felt xyz". Surrounding ambient is not only available in movies and videogames. Words can paint the best atmospheres if done right ( and if the writer has talent, of course ).

    For example, in stead of "I felt angry" it's possible to describe a reaction due to anger, like:"My face got red with anger" or "I wanted to to scream because she ignored me" etc. It certainly transfers the information about the presence of emotion, but also paints it in a more interesting way when you talk about the consequences of an emotion or feeling rather than the feeling itself. I think ( though I might be wrong ) that people more relate to the consequences of emotions ( because they matter precisely because of what they do to us ) than to emotions themselves.

    Also, I'm of the opinion that if you want to make someone's cold heart more disturbing, it's best to use short statements, like:"Her face was blank" or "She made an obviously fake smile" or "...a doll-like smile". Now that creeps the bejeebers out of me, especially if it's your own mother being cold towards you. That's... hell, man...

  3. #13
    Member Guslar's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jul 2018
    Location
    Belgrade, Serbia
    Posts
    15
    Quote Originally Posted by AdrianBraysy View Post
    You make a lot of good point. I guess, fir me, my biggest weakness has always been in describing things. I think that order to make you feel more "there" I should probably focus more on all five senses, and not just what the main character sees.

    In terms of using two words that mean the same things, I think this is due to the fact that I have a hard time thinking of interesting ways to describe things. Plot and character arcs have never been a problem for me, but the execution can be.

    Good advice though. I agree with pretty much all of it.
    I'd suggest looking into ambient oriented music and/or video games ( yes, even those, as they've become really artistically valuable in the past decade ) in order to understand how you can describe things without describing. Dark souls video games are the best example of painting a dark, hopeless ambient without telling the player absolutely anything directly. It's about having all the tiny little details in sync with the mood you'd like to describe ( like the lighting for sculptures or photographs ). Once you start thinking about those details which indirectly describe, instead of thinking how to describe something correctly, you'll have no problem with description.

  4. #14
    Quote Originally Posted by Guslar View Post
    I'd suggest looking into ambient oriented music and/or video games ( yes, even those, as they've become really artistically valuable in the past decade ) in order to understand how you can describe things without describing. Dark souls video games are the best example of painting a dark, hopeless ambient without telling the player absolutely anything directly. It's about having all the tiny little details in sync with the mood you'd like to describe ( like the lighting for sculptures or photographs ). Once you start thinking about those details which indirectly describe, instead of thinking how to describe something correctly, you'll have no problem with description.
    Lol. I just thought it was funny you mentioned that. Dark Souls (and Silent Hill) are my favorite games. Kind of goes back to what Hemingway said, about implication being a powerful tool. Show me a dead body in a trunk, and I'm shocked for a few seconds. Tell me about a rotting smell coming from the car, belonging to the wife of a misding friend who I know cheated on her, and I'm intrigued.
    Follow me on http://amazon.com/author/adrianbraysy and check out my novels.

  5. #15
    Member
    Join Date
    Aug 2018
    Location
    Texas, United States
    Posts
    45
    the voice already seems logical, when talking about the childhood dream, and because the type of job, I get the feeling that something changed him or her into that. I DONT THINK THERE IS A NEED TO BE TOO LITERAL IN THE WRITING OF IT. they seem to be justifying things as they are older, things like "I understand because I was." I think this is the main hook, this kind of unspoken parts you're already lacing together. its a good base start

  6. #16
    I believe that people have put this a bit more eloquently before me, but they are right. The narrative is there, this makes a good draft for the intro to a story. However, one thing that really captures a reader's attention is through a lot of detail. What you have here is a really good basis, I applaud that and I feel like this could lead off into a lot of things in terms of a story. However, one thing that's important to remember about drawing in readers and helping them relate to your character is sense. In my classes, we were always taught to show, not tell. To help show the reader what we wanted to convey, we would work with all five of the senses if we were able to. This intro scene would be a really nice scene to put them to work, especially in dreams if this was one.

    An author is able to put themselves, and subsequently the reader, into the shoes of the character. With you telling the story with a first-person narrative, this is a good way to really get intimate with your main character's thoughts and her processes. When it comes to detail, you, of course, don't need to give every little thing a line of its own, but it would still be helpful to "zoom" into certain important details. This lets the reader understand what's important, and give a better visual of the story.

    Back on the topic of senses, I suggest adding perhaps a few of these to describe the scenery.
    Sight: Objects in the house/kitchen, colors, lighting, small details
    Smell: The chopped onions, the natural odor of the house
    Hearing: The knife on the cutting board, things outside, the character's footsteps, breathing, heartbeats (perhaps?)
    Taste: Onion in the air?
    Feel: Temperature, tension, the fabric of the mother's skirt

    It's just a start, but this has the makings to be an incredible story. All you need is a little detail to fatten up the paragraphs. I'd love to see what else you have in store, the intro has a lot of suspense and mystery, you captured the childlike wonder excellently. Do persist with this!

Page 2 of 2 FirstFirst 12

Bookmarks

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
  •  
This website uses cookies
We use cookies to store session information to facilitate remembering your login information, to allow you to save website preferences, to personalise content and ads, to provide social media features and to analyse our traffic. We also share information about your use of our site with our social media, advertising and analytics partners.