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  1. #21
    Member Underd0g's Avatar
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    I might have figured out a solution for the names of the animals.
    Since I am leaning toward lateral thinking as a theme throughout the book, what about if I use anagrams?
    Cardinal Red could be: Alden Ricard

    I'll look over my chapters to see what I think would be best for another sample.

  2. #22
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    Last edited by Underd0g; June 13th, 2018 at 04:03 AM.

  3. #23
    Having read the others today, I revisited this one.

    Does the big change have to be moving to the mountain?

    I'm thinking that being allowed out of the burrow to explore his world is enough of a change. Something to consider. It might address the problems the current story has.

  4. #24
    Quote Originally Posted by Underd0g View Post
    I might have figured out a solution for the names of the animals.
    Since I am leaning toward lateral thinking as a theme throughout the book, what about if I use anagrams?
    Cardinal Red could be: Alden Ricard

    I'll look over my chapters to see what I think would be best for another sample.
    Anagrams would go over the heads of young readers. Parents reading to their children might enjoy them, but too few parents actually read to their children any more. Or so it seems in my circle of friends.

    Keeping the names fun, like Mr. Baggypants, seems best to me.

  5. #25
    This is great! I do agree with the comment above, however, that the relocation would provide an opportunity for many obstacles/surprises.

    I've always preferred dialogue over descriptions, even as a child. I suppose I'm more interested in the characters' relationships and interactions. But that's just me - there's no right or wrong here.

  6. #26
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    Quote Originally Posted by meghanwithanH View Post
    This is great! I do agree with the comment above, however, that the relocation would provide an opportunity for many obstacles/surprises.

    I've always preferred dialogue over descriptions, even as a child. I suppose I'm more interested in the characters' relationships and interactions. But that's just me - there's no right or wrong here.
    I don't think I ever actually explained but what I had in mind when I first wrote this were families that moved and the insecurity of children in a new place.
    I like dialogue also, thank you for that.
    If you look at my profile, say "Hi!" But not in a creepy way.

  7. #27
    Quote Originally Posted by Underd0g View Post
    I don't think I ever actually explained but what I had in mind when I first wrote this were families that moved and the insecurity of children in a new place.
    I like dialogue also, thank you for that.
    The logistics of wild animals relocating themselves makes such a thing difficult.

    I recommend that the book begin with Andie venturing out of the burrow for the first time. The idea of moving might better be handled by a story about a family pet that was moved, then travelled to Andie's mountain trying to get back home. Maybe Andie and friends could convince the pet to give the new place a chance.

    Something to think about.

  8. #28
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    Quote Originally Posted by Jack of all trades View Post
    The logistics of wild animals relocating themselves makes such a thing difficult.

    I recommend that the book begin with Andie venturing out of the burrow for the first time. The idea of moving might better be handled by a story about a family pet that was moved, then travelled to Andie's mountain trying to get back home. Maybe Andie and friends could convince the pet to give the new place a chance.

    Something to think about.
    I've been thinking about it but my problem is working the punch line "Surprise" into it.
    If you look at my profile, say "Hi!" But not in a creepy way.

  9. #29
    Quote Originally Posted by Underd0g View Post
    I've been thinking about it but my problem is working the punch line "Surprise" into it.


    I don't see the problem. Just replace "moving" with "going out on his own", and the rest of the story works, pretty much as is.

  10. #30
    Bolding are my suggestions :

    Quote Originally Posted by Underd0g View Post
    Andie's Mountain
    Chapter One
    There was a big change happening in Andie's life.
    Andie is a young bunny, and today is moving going out day.

    "What will it be like?" Andie asked his mother.

    "It will be an adventure."she said, "Change always brings many wonderful surprises."
    Maybe add a piece here where his mother explains the running water is a spring, the still water is a pond, and the tall things are trees before going off in search of food.
    Quote Originally Posted by Underd0g View Post
    [CENTER][CENTER]
    When they arrived at their new home,Andie was amazed at how different this forest was from his old burrow home.

    "Lots of surprises" the little bunny said to himself. Andie noticed a wild carrot growing nearby. It was beautiful.
    "These are bigger and juicier than the carrots where I'm from Mom brought home." He set the carrot down on a tree stump and kept looking around.

    "Welcome to the neighborhood." said a red bird perched on a limb.

    That was a surprise, Bunny Andie thought. A new friend and he had just arrived only just started exploring.

    "Hello, my name is Andie, what's yours?"

    "I'm Cardinal Red, but you can call me Red." the bird replied "And walking up the trail right now is Mr. Baggypants."

    Andie turned to look and saw a raccoon lumbering up the path.


    "Another surprise." saidAndie.

    "Another surprise?" asked Mr.Baggypants, "What is this about a surprise?"
    "I'm new here and my mother said there would be lots of surprises when we moved out in the world," Andie explained,"and she was right."

    The cardinal asked "Like what?"


    "Well, there's a spring and a pond by my house. That was a surprise. There are more trees out here and they are taller than where I am from I thought from the stories Mom told me. And I have new friends, a raccoon and a cardinal... that was a surprise."

    Andie remembered his carrot, "And the wild carrots are bigger and juicier than in my old neighborhood the ones Mom brought home to me."

    Andie looked at the stump where he had left his carrot,
    IT WAS GONE! Then he saw the raccoon just as he ate the last bite of carrot.

    Mr. Baggypants had an embarrassed smile on his face and mumbled "SURPRISE!"
    These are only suggestions, but at least it points out all the little modifications that you would need to make.

    Good luck with it! I hope to see your version soon!

    Jack
    Last edited by Jack of all trades; July 30th, 2018 at 02:09 PM.

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