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  1. #11
    Member Underd0g's Avatar
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    Wow Sync, thank you too very much.
    Your observations motivate me to get back to work.
    I have several chapters which will have similar problems. The reason it seems to cross ages is because I have an ambitious goal.
    To create stories with a bit of lateral thinking.
    I'm new here and am gauging my way, learning what is expected of me and what I can expect of other members.
    Thanks again.

  2. #12
    Wɾʇ∩9 bdcharles's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Underd0g View Post
    Andie's Mountain
    Chapter One
    There was a big change happening in Andie's life.
    Andie is a young bunny, and today is moving day.

    "What will it be like?" Andie asked his mother.

    "It will be an adventure."she said, "Change always brings many wonderful surprises."

    When they arrived at their new home,Andie was amazed at how different this forest was from his old home.

    "Lots of surprises" the little bunny said to himself. Andie noticed a wild carrot growing nearby. It was beautiful.
    "These are bigger and juicier than the carrots where I'm from." He set the carrot down on a tree stump and kept looking around.

    "Welcome to the neighborhood." said a red bird perched on a limb.

    That was a surprise, Bunny thought. A new friend and he had just arrived.

    "Hello, my name is Andie, what's yours?"

    "I'm Cardinal Red, but you can call me Red." the bird replied "And walking up the trail right now is Mr. Baggypants."

    Andie turned to look and saw a raccoon lumbering up the path.


    "Another surprise." saidAndie.

    "Another surprise?" asked Mr.Baggypants, "What is this about a surprise?"
    "I'm new here and my mother said there would be lots of surprises when we moved," Andie explained,"and she was right."

    The cardinal asked "Like what?"


    "Well, there's a spring and a pond by my house. That was a surprise. There are more trees here and they are taller than where I am from. And I have new friends, a raccoon and a cardinal... that was a surprise."

    Andie remembered his carrot, "And the wild carrots are bigger and juicier than in my old neighborhood."

    Andie looked at the stump where he had left his carrot,
    IT WAS GONE! Then he saw the raccoon just as he ate the last bite of carrot.

    Mr. Baggypants had an embarrassed smile on his face and mumbled "SURPRISE!"
    Hi

    This is a sweet story and with lovely characters. Love the font too. What is it?

    Just a couple of errors:

    "It will be an adventure.[<- should be a comma]"she said, "Change always brings many wonderful surprises."

    "Lots of surprises[<- should have a comma]" the little bunny said to himself.

    The cardinal asked[<- should have a comma] "Like what?"

    Andie remembered his carrot,[<- should not be a comma ] "And the wild carrots are bigger and juicier than in my old neighborhood."

    "I'm Cardinal Red, but you can call me Red.[<- should be a comma]" the bird replied[<- should have a full stop] "And walking up the trail right now is Mr. Baggypants."

    Etcetera, etcetera. There are a few more of these.

    Secondly, having read a good number of kids' books recently with my own children, I am conscious of how they are done. Things, it appears to me, are more distilled than adult literature, so the hook must be a Hook!, the message must be the Message! etc. The conflicts are very real and immediate and clear and relatable and unambiguous. What is your hook here? What is his "mountain"? He's moved house and met some friends. Moving house is not an insignificant challenge for anyone and for a child it will present questions about new friends, about missing the old place etc. But these are glossed over and all that's happened in ch 1 is that things have gone relatively well if uneventfully. I suppose, when I think of children's books (I have a seies planned) I think in terms of not just entertaining that child but helping them cope with something. And the child I am helping is the sort that sits inside with books rather than goes outside and kicks a ball about, so it needs to speak to them. Andie in this book seems set to have things fall in to place for him pretty easily. Strangers come up to him and are instantly friendly. His new home is not terrifying. If my six or however many years old self was reading that I would feel pretty alienated to be truthful. I would think: "what's wrong with me that random yet unthreatening strangers don't come up to me and beg for my friendship?" or "I want to go back to my old home where everything was lovely and made sense and not the bleak horror of the new-build." or whatever Sorry to sound harsh but I want to just put in your mind the things that matter to your actual readership (to whom such things may be real challenges that genuinely demand to be written about) rather than just their hopeful, time-strapped parents. So give it a go. Give Andie some challenges. Have him not want to leave. Have him have great things to leave. Have the new place be unwelcoming (at first) because that tends to be the reality where childrens' worries are concerned. Anyway hope this helps - ingore if not Good luck!




    Beauty is nothing but the beginning of terror which we are barely able to endure, and are awed,
    because it serenely disdains to annihilate us.
    - Rainer Maria Rilke, "Elegy I"

    *

    Is this fire, or is this mask?
    It's the Mantasy!
    - Anonymous

    *

    C'mon everybody, don't need this crap.
    - Wham!





  3. #13
    Member Underd0g's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by bdcharles View Post
    Hi

    This is a sweet story and with lovely characters. Love the font too. What is it?






    Secondly, having read a good number of kids' books recently with my own children, I am conscious of how they are done. Things, it appears to me, are more distilled than adult literature, so the hook must be a Hook.

    I suppose, when I think of children's books (I have a series planned)...

    Sorry to sound harsh..

    Anyway hope this helps - ingore if not Good luck!
    The font is Storybook, yeah, kinda cool.

    I've never been one to understand why people get offendedwhen someone takes a lot of time and effort to critique and give observations.Plus you spent so much time on your reply...
    DANG


    You have educated me in many areas here with your post...thank you. I feel grateful for so many quality responses here.

    I am building toward what I refer to as lateral thinking. I wanted to start with the humor of "Surprise" to kind of rope parents in.
    In future chapters I have some conflict and problems. I even have some riddles that work out in the story line. I find that children don't necessarily like riddles. This way they see the riddle and answer without being put on the spot and be made to look stupid.

    So BD Charles, what is the flavor of your series? Could yougive me a glimpse?


    I'll try to attach a picture of my vision for Mr.Baggypants. He will be called Baggy in the future. I use "Baggypants"in a chapter about nicknames (because of his haunches of which he is unaware).


    Thank you again, I hope to connect with each of you more inthe future. Please feel free to PM me.
    Attached Thumbnails Attached Thumbnails Baggy (1).jpg  

  4. #14
    If this is a children's book, then the pictures would show the clothes, or lack thereof. No need to add descriptions.

    Maybe you should mention the bunny pulling the carrot out of the ground. And I was surprised that the racoon was able to eat the carrot, as the prior mention of him was on the trail. Maybe he should actually talk with the racoon first, before mentioning all the surprises.

    Just my thoughts.

  5. #15
    Member Underd0g's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Jack of all trades View Post
    If this is a children's book, then the pictures would show the clothes, or lack thereof. No need to add descriptions.

    Maybe you should mention the bunny pulling the carrot out of the ground. And I was surprised that the racoon was able to eat the carrot, as the prior mention of him was on the trail. Maybe he should actually talk with the racoon first, before mentioning all the surprises.

    Just my thoughts.
    Yep Jack, I'm seeing the potential of having the fun of getting into description.
    I guess I was trying for brevity thinking kids have no attention span.
    I'm learning that writing for children is its own little animal.

    Thank you so much for your attention and advice.

  6. #16
    Quote Originally Posted by Underd0g View Post
    Yep Jack, I'm seeing the potential of having the fun of getting into description.
    I guess I was trying for brevity thinking kids have no attention span.
    I'm learning that writing for children is its own little animal.

    Thank you so much for your attention and advice.
    What age range is the target audience?

  7. #17
    Member Underd0g's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Jack of all trades View Post
    What age range is the target audience?
    Good question. Y'see, this is why I'm very glad that I posted this.
    I guess I'm changing my mind from very young to a bit older. You would see this especially if you read the subsequent chapters.
    Perhaps I'll pick a later chapter and post it. Should I do that on this thread or start another?

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