The Hunted 646 words mild language
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  1. #1

    The Hunted 646 words mild language

    The Hunted by Bob Brown

    I watched him as he fiddles nervously with the rifle at his side. He is unsure in which direction to point it, or even in which direction the danger lies. He only knows he might need it, yet it seems to bring him little comfort.

    I observe him with my night vision, if I were closer I am sure I could smell his fear. He is out of place, out of his element. He has messed up everything in life, he has ever touched. This is a realization that not only comes from some primitive instinct, but what has turned into a nightly ritual.

    I can tell he can’t do this, fear has him paralyzed. We are at a standstill, I can’t shoot him until he fires the first shot. He doesn’t have the guts to do more than stand there, let alone start a gun battle.

    Confrontation with another guy is as basic as it gets. Man has fought man since the beginning of time. In a simpler time, there would be a simple solution. Today with the complexities of the law, it only ensures that this will only drag on for another day.

    My adversary, if you can call him that, is used to being on the other side. Up until now, he has been the one in the bushes. He’s been the one doing the intimidating, stalking the victim, causing the carnage. He has greatly disappointed me with his cowardice. I was hoping for much more. All the talk, has been just that, talk. I thought this bad guy was supposed to be tougher than this, braver than this; anything but this fearful piece of shit in front of me.

    He knows I am here to kill him. I guess even bullies have some form of self-preservation. Up until now none of his actions have made any sense to me. This is his first sign of common sense. I will have to break him down so that he can only react, not think. I need him to shoot at me. I guess tonight is not the night. I slowly slip back into the shadows. Leaving him there to only wonder if I have left for the night, or if I am just out of sight watching him, it is all part of the game.

    I head back to where I have hidden the truck, it is a cool damp evening. The wet leaves make no sound as I silently move through the woods. I have night vision that hangs from my neck, but seldom use it. I am very comfortable moving in and out of the shadows. I stop and listen. There is the excited barking of a coyote, then another. I am not alone in these woods, not the only hunter.

    Tonight, it is their night. The barking of the two coyotes is joined by a third and a fourth. It is not hard for me to picture what is going on. A deer more than likely wounded by a hunter’s arrow, runs for his life. The rest of the pack joins in. There is a wild frenzy of barking and yips. The savagery of their barks needs to be experienced to really grasp, the life and death struggle that is taking place. They will panic the deer and it will expend all its energy trying to run. It will make a mistake, it will slip, it will fall, it will run in circles.

    I do not hunt that differently, I just do it silently.

    The woods grow quiet. The deer has fallen. They feast.

    I continue my walk.

    The woods are silent in an eerie way. All of the woods know what has just happened, maybe the silence is a form of homage to the cycle of life.

    Tomorrow, I will return to hunt, just as the coyotes.
    Last edited by Plasticweld; March 8th, 2018 at 10:33 PM.
    God hates a coward Revelation 21:8

    “Good writin' ain't necessarily good readin'.”

    Ken Kesey,

    To encourage and facilitate "me"

  2. #2
    The Hunted by Bob Brown

    I watched him as he fiddles nervously with the rifle at his side.
    Change of tense.
    He is unsure in which direction to point it, or even in which direction the danger lies. He only knows he might need it, yet it seems to bring him little comfort.

    Try chopping out words, this is a tense situation and terse writing might suit it,
    He is unsure in which direction to point it, which direction the danger lies. He knows he might need it, yet it brings him little comfort.
    Words like ‘seems to’ which qualify something also invariably weaken the sentence.
    Words like ‘seems to’ which qualify something also invariably seem to weaken the sentence.
    See what I mean? There may be a shade of accuracy in it, but it is usually better to be definite.

    I observe him with my night vision, if I were closer I am sure I could smell his fear. He is out of place, out of his element. He has messed up everything in life, he has ever touched.
    ‘everything in life, he has ever touched.’ Why the comma? I hear no pause.

    I am going to go through stripping it back to basics, look at it and decide what makes it look ‘cleaner’, and what you needed to keep from what I took away.

    This realization not only comes from primitive instinct, but from nightly ritual.

    He can’t do this, fear has him paralyzed. We are at standstill, I can’t shoot him until he fires. He doesn’t have the guts to start a battle.

    Confrontation is basic. Man has fought man since the beginning of time. In a simpler time there were simple solutions. Today, with law, this will drag on.

    My adversary, if you can call him that, used to be on the other side. Until now, he has been the one in the bushes. He’s been the one intimidating, stalking the, causing the carnage. He has disappointed me with his cowardice. I was hoping for more. All the talk has been just talk. This bad guy was supposed to be tougher, braver; anything but this fearful piece of shit in front of me.

    I have knocked out another couple of extra commas as I went. This works;

    He can’t do this,/ fear has him paralyzed. /We are at standstill,/ I can’t shoot him until he fires./ He doesn’t have the guts to start a battle.

    Concepts separated by commas and periods, which of them you use show the degree of association, add a conjunction and you could associate the last sentence, which seems reasonable.
    He can’t do this, fear has him paralyzed. We are at standstill, I can’t shoot him until he fires, and he doesn’t have the guts to start a battle.
    Other variations are possible
    He can’t do this, fear has him paralyzed, we are at standstill. I can’t shoot him until he fires; he doesn’t have the guts to start a battle.
    The semicolon shows a greater degree of separation than the comma, less than the period, you have to decide what the degree of association is.
    Visit my website to read and connect to my 'soundcloud', where you can listen to stories songs and more
    http://www.oliverbuckle.com/

    A thread of links useful to writers wishing to learn
    Piglet's picks. http://www.writingforums.com/threads...Piglet-s-Picks

  3. #3
    Thanks Olly for all of your help. I wrote this many years ago, I tried to fix it and came up with what I had. I posted this with the idea that maybe I could get some feed back on why it was such a mess. It is part of a much larger story. I wanted to use this as kind of an intro to the battle that took place, it was rather intense and I was disappointed with my ability to convey that. Thanks again for breaking it down and explaining the mechanics and rules to good writing....Bob
    God hates a coward Revelation 21:8

    “Good writin' ain't necessarily good readin'.”

    Ken Kesey,

    To encourage and facilitate "me"

  4. #4
    Don't get me going on rules Good writing is appropriate writing, if you write 'The person to whom I am talking...' in dialogue you are following the rules laid down by the ninteenth century grammerians who studied Latin, but I have never heard anyone actually say 'Whom', ever!

    It is like anything, it gets easier and easier, but it was the editing that got better before the writing for me, getting the idea down is only the first step. Critting and reading other crit has helped no end, finding someone helpful who knows what they are talking about, like Pete C, and having a look through their past crits. can be useful, but there is nothing like using an idea for embedding it in your mind.
    Visit my website to read and connect to my 'soundcloud', where you can listen to stories songs and more
    http://www.oliverbuckle.com/

    A thread of links useful to writers wishing to learn
    Piglet's picks. http://www.writingforums.com/threads...Piglet-s-Picks

  5. #5
    Member Underd0g's Avatar
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    I always hate to admit when I miss something.
    Is the need for him to shoot first some kind of honor thing?
    And, while I'm at it, what is the conflict?

    Otherwise, it kept my attention throughout. That's what I care about.
    If you look at my profile, say "Hi!" But not in a creepy way.

  6. #6
    Keep in mind this is real, not just a story. It also involved 8 1/2 million dollar law suit... I will pm you the details...Thanks for reading
    God hates a coward Revelation 21:8

    “Good writin' ain't necessarily good readin'.”

    Ken Kesey,

    To encourage and facilitate "me"

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