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  1. #11
    Global Moderator H.Brown's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by jenthepen View Post


    REVISION:

    Dissatisfaction Guaranteed

    Hand gliding over an unfortunate mess,
    wondering what itís all about?
    A slow steady slide to oblivion,
    treading bogs of nothing-doing
    before the job is done.

    Gazing out through mirrored windows,
    dreaming that the tide might turn.
    Blinded and becalmed by sadness,
    dwelling on no headway made
    as time dribbles away.

    Books with final page unwritten,
    a collective sigh of - is that it -
    a billion tales with a
    missing answers,
    checking out
    before time is up
    with half the story told.

    The secret is not to start from here...
    Hi jen I like this poem both the original and the revision I can see that the changes already made have improved the imagery and the pace. I have however added my own thoughts above, I don't know a lot about poetry but I enjoy reading things written from the heart. i hope that my comments help in some way.
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  2. #12
    Thanks for the suggestions, HB. I did mean hang gliding but I'll keep your other ideas in mind when I do the final revision.

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  3. #13
    Make pages plural to match books. Consider this ending line:

    "The secret is not to st..."
    I find that my lack of knowledge can sometimes be an asset in that I'm forced to try new things because I don't have any other options.

  4. #14
    Thanks, Andrew. I like the pages suggestion - that sounds better and improves the rhythm. Your suggested ending made me smile but I doubt a reader would get it, especially without knowing the unrevised version.

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  5. #15
    Quote Originally Posted by jenthepen View Post
    Hang gliding over a vista of problems
    wondering what itís all about
    given no choice but to move along
    through bogs of nothing-doing
    a staggered slide to oblivion
    before the job is done

    A book with final pages unwritten
    a collective sigh of - is that it -
    a million billion tales with a twist
    all missing an answer
    all left before time
    dissatisfaction guaranteed

    the secret is not to start from here.


    REVISION:

    Dissatisfaction Guaranteed

    Hang gliding over a mess of misfortune,
    wondering what itís all about.
    A slow steady slide to oblivion,
    treading bogs of nothing-doing
    before the job is done

    Gazing out through mirrored windows,
    dreaming that the tide might turn.
    Blinded and becalmed by sadness,
    dwelling on no headway made
    as time dribbles away.

    Books with final page unwritten,
    a collective sigh of - is that it -
    a billion tales with a
    missing answer,
    checking out
    before time is up
    with half the story told.

    The secret is not to start from here

    Dear jen, I love the thoughts expressed in this poem, the revised poem brings a sharper focus to your message, without it being over written... if that makes sense... I love how you expose the often over looked obvious... no one ever really finishes their book.... do they? Death is so inconvenient.... and it comes at the worst possible time....
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    If you are a writer, reach a reader
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    Death leaves a heartache no one can heal,
    love leaves a memory no one can steal....
    Author unknown.

  6. #16
    Quote Originally Posted by jenthepen View Post

    REVISION:

    Dissatisfaction Guaranteed

    Hang gliding over a mess of misfortune,
    wondering what it’s all about.
    A slow steady slide to oblivion,
    treading bogs of nothing-doing
    before the job is done

    Gazing out through mirrored windows,
    dreaming that the tide might turn.
    Blinded and becalmed by sadness,
    dwelling on no headway made
    as time dribbles away.

    Books with final page unwritten,
    a collective sigh of - is that it -
    a billion tales with a
    missing answer,
    checking out
    before time is up
    with half the story told.

    The secret is not to start from here


    I’m just gonna personalize this a little as when I read this today it SO applies to “my” life right now. I hope you do not take offense as I’m really not going to critique just explain why I needed to read this today.

    Hang gliding over a mess of misfortune,
    wondering what it’s all about.
    A slow steady slide to oblivion,
    treading bogs of nothing-doing
    before the job is done


    S1 hits hard as I have been in my roll for 28 years and am old school. I was the one that knew everything and the go to in order to build things (systematically) that had never been done. I was ready to resign this week on Tuesday but am not ready for a career change just yet! Younger teammates do not logically think like I do so we have had issues there but we worked through a lot of them this week.

    Gazing out through mirrored windows,
    dreaming that the tide might turn.
    Blinded and becalmed by sadness,
    dwelling on no headway made
    as time dribbles away.


    S2 hits pretty hard as well (still a work related thought process) yet two deaths on Tuesday confused me personally. One expected the other just made me sick to my stomach. So “Blinded and becalmed by sadness” hits hard as well.


    Books with final page unwritten,
    a collective sigh of - is that it -
    a billion tales with a missing answer,
    checking out before time is up

    with half the story told.


    S3 makes me reflect upon my own life, as life could end at any moment. What ifs and missing answers can drag your mind and heart to bad places. As stated above 2 lives were lost in my life on the same day one expected the other not.

    To just explain the unexpected, a neighbor picked up her life and moved to my state to start a new life. Never married, no children and her parents had died she just had a brother. I met her Dec 23rd which was a warm day, played with her beautiful dog a bit and we spoke getting to know each other a little. As good neighbors do, we made plans to go out and meet other neighbors and plan other outings and such. We all had plans for when winter was over getting together and such.

    Tuesday I got a phone call stating she was found dead on her couch. So the lines below hit hard too. Although, everything points to a genetic heart issue, I did not get the chance to hear her whole story.

    “checking out before time is up
    with half the story told.”

    So now I am trying to process everything from my week and make sense of many aspects of it (and stop questioning what if I would have?)

    I am sure your poem has absolutely no correlation to how I interpreted it, but I just want you to know that I needed to see it today and let you know the impact it has had on me personally.

    Thanks,
    ~A

  7. #17
    Thank you for telling me about your reaction to my poem, A. It means a lot to any writer to know that their words had an impact but I'm sorry that life is hitting you so hard at the moment. I'm glad that the poem has helped a little as you begin working through the pain. It seems cruel how troubles seem to come from several directions at once this way and I wish you better times ahead and hope things turn around for you very soon.

    jen

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  8. #18
    Jen,

    I would leave out the last line as you have it now, it's a bit of an unsatisfactory end. As if you're not sure how to write a good closure to the poem Now, I've been pondering over a better last line, but that is not easy.
    You have a list of bad or half-finished things there that needs a decent twist to it without telling too much.

    I think I would also make it all active and in present tense, I feel it will bring more motion into your poem, give it schwung, speed.
    "Sign language is the equal of speech, lending itself equally to the rigorous and the poetic, to philosophical analysis or to making love."
    - Oliver Sacks

  9. #19
    Quote Originally Posted by Firemajic View Post
    Dear jen, I love the thoughts expressed in this poem, the revised poem brings a sharper focus to your message, without it being over written... if that makes sense... I love how you expose the often over looked obvious... no one ever really finishes their book.... do they? Death is so inconvenient.... and it comes at the worst possible time....
    Apologies, Jul. I completely missed your post when I checked back here.

    Thank you for understanding the basic message of this poem. I wanted to point up the way so much of life can be taken up in the struggle to overcome the various handicaps of childhood experiences and, once all those problems are finally dealt with and life can begin, death shows up to cut the journey short. That is why that last line is so important. Does anyone get an unimpeded start in life?

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  10. #20
    Quote Originally Posted by Darren White View Post
    Jen,

    I would leave out the last line as you have it now, it's a bit of an unsatisfactory end. As if you're not sure how to write a good closure to the poem Now, I've been pondering over a better last line, but that is not easy.
    You have a list of bad or half-finished things there that needs a decent twist to it without telling too much.

    I think I would also make it all active and in present tense, I feel it will bring more motion into your poem, give it schwung, speed.
    Thanks for the thought you have put into my poem, Darren. The last line is important to my message but I'm not sure that is coming across well. If you read my answer to Firemagic (above) you'll see what I was trying to say. I'll take another look at this and maybe come at it a different way. I appreciate the suggestions.

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