Burning
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Thread: Burning

  1. #1

    Burning

    Tonight ends tonight.

    All the fires of hell

    Cannot keep us warm

    Much longer.

    Much as

    You may wish us well

    We die tonight, love.


    Not much longer.

    Now,

    If you think it's right,

    We can slam the doors,

    Shut the sky above.

    Rhapsody

    in black.

    Be like we both fell

    Like Lucifer down.


    But that can't be love.
    Last edited by Jeko; February 26th, 2018 at 06:43 PM.
    My creativity is like my consumption of alcohol: it knows no bounds.
    -------------------------------------------------------------
    I write about anime and internet culture at Unnecessary Exclamation Mark!

  2. #2
    WF Veteran -xXx-'s Avatar
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    no comments.
    i'm going with forumites must be very busy.
    imho, this work sparkles like sparse gems
    on evening wear.

    Quote Originally Posted by Cadence View Post

    Now,

    If you think it's right,

    We can slam the doors,

    Shut the sky above.

    Rhapsody
    in black

    Be like we both fell

    Like Lucifer down.
    have you considered changing the comma after doors
    to a dash?
    that pause feels appropriate.
    as a reader i find myself trying to eliminate "the doors",
    and add a word or change shut/close:

    We can slam the doors,-
    Closing the sky above.

    i think some change in cadence or other subtle discordian
    technique suits the quoted lines above,
    as does the phrase work in the last stanza:

    Rhapsody
    in black
    Be likeAs if we both fell
    Like Lucifer down.

    punctuation in this stanza seems trickier.
    perhaps commas ending line 1 and 2.

    please keep the entire phrase
    "Like Lucifer down."
    some may suggest fell and down is redundant.
    here, imho, it is not.

    solid ending.
    burning seems understated for this piece.
    but that's just me.
    definitely 8/10, hedging toward 9/10, imho.

    oh.
    i am not qualified in any way to make any of these
    comments.
    jussayin'

  3. #3
    Thanks for the feedback xXx!

    have you considered changing the comma after doors
    to a dash?
    The comma does feel weaker than having a proper pause there, though I might use a full stop instead. Else I feel like I'm correlating the doors to the sky we're shutting, while I want them to be somewhat separated.

    We can slam the doors,-
    Closing the sky above.
    Hmm, I really like the prosody of the alliteration on S for the second line. Also, I'm trying to keep each line at 5 syllables so there's a uniform rhythm. But I might play around with alternative to the first 'the', even though I do like the repeating pattern from 'the doors' to 'the sky'.

    Be likeAs if we both fell
    Like Lucifer down.
    Again I'm kinda attached to the alliterative patterns here, the plosive Bs leading into the L of 'fell' falling into the alliteration on Ls after. Made a mistake tweaking the formatting of the line before these though, 'black' should be followed by a full stop to make 'be' the main verb of these two lines.

    please keep the entire phrase
    "Like Lucifer down."
    Awesome, the poem was built around that line.
    My creativity is like my consumption of alcohol: it knows no bounds.
    -------------------------------------------------------------
    I write about anime and internet culture at Unnecessary Exclamation Mark!

  4. #4
    Tonight ends tonight.

    That seems final, indeed.

    All the fires of hell

    Cannot keep us warm

    As is, seems said before - just a slight twist
    could freshen it up.

    Be like we both fell

    Like Lucifer down.


    But that can't be love.

    I've been interested in and exploring the concept
    of Volta in poems - that sudden change or reversal
    of a theme - this has it in spades.

    Enjoyed this - RC





  5. #5
    Quote Originally Posted by -xXx-;2137944
    no comments.
    i'm going with forumites must be very busy.
    imho, this work sparkles like sparse gems
    on evening wear.


    have you considered changing the comma after doors
    to a dash?
    that pause feels appropriate.
    as a reader i find myself trying to eliminate "the doors",
    and add a word or change shut/close:

    We can slam the doors,-** agree!
    Closing the sky above.

    i think some change in cadence or other subtle discordian
    technique suits the quoted lines above,
    as does the phrase work in the last stanza:

    Rhapsody
    in black
    Be likeAs if we both fell*** Exactly what I thought, xXx....
    Like Lucifer down.

    punctuation in this stanza seems trickier.
    perhaps commas ending line 1 and 2.

    please keep the entire phrase
    "Like Lucifer down."
    some may suggest fell and down is redundant.
    here, imho, it is not.

    solid ending.
    burning seems understated for this piece.
    but that's just me.
    definitely 8/10, hedging toward 9/10, imho.

    oh.
    i am not qualified in any way to make any of these
    comments.
    jussayin'

    xXx gave you excellent feedback You created a dark mood with wonderful tension.....
    Check out the exciting Poetry Hill !!

    If you are a writer, reach a reader
    If you are a fighter, teach a leader
    If you are a lover, touch a leper
    If this has helped you, thank you, reader

    If you can read this, teach a thinker

    Author: Lynn Loschky



    Death leaves a heartache no one can heal,
    love leaves a memory no one can steal....
    Author unknown.

  6. #6
    I liked this it had a song like quality to it with strong lines and ideas

  7. #7
    The five beat lines work well to create tension and I liked the broken lines too especially the "Now" which also adds to the tension. There are two lines which I think weak. "Tonight ends tonight" is a tautology and doesn't seem to say anything to me. I would write something like "Let's end it tonight" or "We should end tonight" but I'm sure you can find something which would add more to the poem than my two off-the-cuff lines.

    The other line which should be improved is "Be like we both fell". The "like" is not necessary, especially when followed with the "Like" in the following line. Also I wonder if continuing the present tense from the previous lines would not be better. Perhaps "Should we both plummet/like Lucifer down?"

    This is worth polishing.
    Last edited by Outsider; April 8th, 2018 at 05:02 AM. Reason: typo

  8. #8
    This is an excellent piece and I liked the style of writing here which has a song like quality.The descriptions are vibrant and the lines stand out well I enjoyed this poem

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