A Strange Event
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  1. #1

    A Strange Event

    I haven't written much fiction throughout my life. I have been adult for a while now but I haven't written a lot compared to most people who want to be writers. I know that this is probably not very good, and I think I have written better things in the past. Since I am not accustomed to writing a lot, I only wrote a one-paragraph story. I have written a much longer story, but I don't want to post it here.

    The darkness formed around the city, and creatures came out of it and encompassed the city, and toward the city there moved the darkness and the creatures. And seeing them coming, the people were afraid, and the word of their fear spread throughout the land and came into the ears of the king. And the king commanded all the people to war against the darkness and the creatures. But the darkness, approaching more and more rapidly, so frightened the people that they stood still, and they were not able to gather together to perform the command of the king. But a light appeared beyond the darkness, having brightness very great. And shining around and into the city, it dissolved the darkness and the creatures. And the light remained forever in the land, and never again did the people see the darkness, nor did they know what caused the light or the darkness.
    Last edited by lumino; February 10th, 2018 at 03:26 AM.

  2. #2
    maybe a forum aint the place for you man....some stuff is about just writing an keeping it personal...
    The only one who can heal you is you.




  3. #3
    Quote Originally Posted by escorial View Post
    maybe a forum aint the place for you man....some stuff is about just writing an keeping it personal...
    What do you mean exactly?

  4. #4
    Wɾ¡ʇ¡∩9 bdcharles's Avatar
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    I want to know what caused the darkness, and what exactly the light was, and how it defeated the darkness. Hopefully your longer story chronicles those events?




    Beauty is nothing but the beginning of terror which we are barely able to endure, and are awed,
    because it serenely disdains to annihilate us.
    - Rainer Maria Rilke, "Elegy I"

    *

    Is this fire, or is this mask?
    It's the Mantasy!
    - Anonymous

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    C'mon everybody, don't need this crap.
    - Wham!





  5. #5
    Quote Originally Posted by bdcharles View Post
    I want to know what caused the darkness, and what exactly the light was, and how it defeated the darkness. Hopefully your longer story chronicles those events?
    Okay, maybe I will expand this story to include those details, if I can overcome this feeling of laziness. Thanks for commenting.

  6. #6
    I can see the premise of the story but there is a lot of work here to make this flow better.
    The first sentence has 'the city' three times, it is only needed once. Dont start any sentences with 'And'. Try writing it again but maybe from one persons point of view?

  7. #7
    The cadence, structure, and word choices are of course inspired by the Bible and they work for a short vignette like this, but would be difficult to maintain for the long haul. Readers will quickly become bored with a history written in purple prose.
    “Fools” said I, “You do not know
    Silence like a cancer grows
    Hear my words that I might teach you
    Take my arms that I might reach you”
    But my words like silent raindrops fell
    And echoed in the wells of silence : Simon & Garfunkel


    Those who enjoy stirring the chamber-pot should be required to lick the spoon.

    Our job as writers is to make readers dream, to infiltrate their minds with our words and create a new reality; a reality not theirs, and not ours, but a new, unique combination of both.

    Visit Amazon and the Kindle Store to check out Reflections in a Black Mirror, and Chase

    https://www.amazon.com/author/terrydurbin






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