A Strange Event

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  1. #1

    A Strange Event

    I haven't written much fiction throughout my life. I have been adult for a while now but I haven't written a lot compared to most people who want to be writers. I know that this is probably not very good, and I think I have written better things in the past. Since I am not accustomed to writing a lot, I only wrote a one-paragraph story. I have written a much longer story, but I don't want to post it here.

    The darkness formed around the city, and creatures came out of it and encompassed the city, and toward the city there moved the darkness and the creatures. And seeing them coming, the people were afraid, and the word of their fear spread throughout the land and came into the ears of the king. And the king commanded all the people to war against the darkness and the creatures. But the darkness, approaching more and more rapidly, so frightened the people that they stood still, and they were not able to gather together to perform the command of the king. But a light appeared beyond the darkness, having brightness very great. And shining around and into the city, it dissolved the darkness and the creatures. And the light remained forever in the land, and never again did the people see the darkness, nor did they know what caused the light or the darkness.
    Last edited by lumino; February 10th, 2018 at 03:26 AM.

  2. #2
    maybe a forum aint the place for you man....some stuff is about just writing an keeping it personal...
    The only one who can heal you is you.




  3. #3
    Quote Originally Posted by escorial View Post
    maybe a forum aint the place for you man....some stuff is about just writing an keeping it personal...
    What do you mean exactly?

  4. #4
    Wɾˇʇˇ∩9 bdcharles's Avatar
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    I want to know what caused the darkness, and what exactly the light was, and how it defeated the darkness. Hopefully your longer story chronicles those events?




    Beauty is nothing but the beginning of terror which we are barely able to endure, and are awed,
    because it serenely disdains to annihilate us.
    - Rainer Maria Rilke, "Elegy I"

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    It's the Mantasy!
    - Anonymous

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  5. #5
    Quote Originally Posted by bdcharles View Post
    I want to know what caused the darkness, and what exactly the light was, and how it defeated the darkness. Hopefully your longer story chronicles those events?
    Okay, maybe I will expand this story to include those details, if I can overcome this feeling of laziness. Thanks for commenting.

  6. #6
    I can see the premise of the story but there is a lot of work here to make this flow better.
    The first sentence has 'the city' three times, it is only needed once. Dont start any sentences with 'And'. Try writing it again but maybe from one persons point of view?

  7. #7
    The cadence, structure, and word choices are of course inspired by the Bible and they work for a short vignette like this, but would be difficult to maintain for the long haul. Readers will quickly become bored with a history written in purple prose.
    “Fools” said I, “You do not know
    Silence like a cancer grows
    Hear my words that I might teach you
    Take my arms that I might reach you”
    But my words like silent raindrops fell
    And echoed in the wells of silence : Simon & Garfunkel


    Those who enjoy stirring the chamber-pot should be required to lick the spoon.

    Our job as writers is to make readers dream, to infiltrate their minds with our words and create a new reality; a reality not theirs, and not ours, but a new, unique combination of both.

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  8. #8
    I don't agree with all of the above critiques, I think that repetition of certain words works when trying to give it a Biblical feel. Think of Monty Python's "Holy Hand Grenade of Antioch" scene, where they keep going back to repeat, over and over, the number of the counting etc. Likewise, not starting with "And," "So," or "But" is a good rule for academic writing, but one that can be tossed out for literature. However, the piece has six sentences, three of which start with "And" and two with "But". This is the sort of repetition that you could work around for a better effect.

    The big thing is, as mentioned above, there needs to be more detail to make it a story. I love flash fiction, and this does have a beginning, a middle, and an end, but... but why? Why did the darkness come, or why did the light choose to defeat it. Right now it's just a king and some people trapped in the middle of a battle they don't really understand, which is fine, but neither do we, which is a problem. Anyway, tl;dr the wording worked for me, mostly, but the story itself needs something more. Thanks for sharing.

  9. #9
    Member Guslar's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by lumino View Post
    Okay, maybe I will expand this story to include those details, if I can overcome this feeling of laziness. Thanks for commenting.
    Excuses. Laziness is beaten by getting up and doing something you're lazy about, not by waiting around for it to pass. That's also being lazy actually...

    Decide what is the point your story wants to have. So far it has good basic structure and good symbolic characters ( the king who is supposed to be the defender of his people ). Maybe tie the triumph of the Light to the choices and deeds of the king? Make him sacrifice something important in order to save his people? National myths have survived centuries with such narrative structure so it's proven to work for a story.
    "But to put your foot on the throat of tyranny,
    to bring it to the knowledge of right law,
    t'is the most sacred human duty!"

    Njegoš - The Hill Garland ( Gorski Vijenac )

  10. #10
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    its alright, its short but nice, sounds more like a poem to me tho
    the king commands the scared people to fight. that's legit
    It just leaves me with so many questions
    I don't know if I'm a fan of that kind of ending tbh, but It sounds like a good starter into something bigger

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