Darren White - February 2018 Pip Challenge - Page 3
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  1. #21
    I'm going to work on a revision. Andrew, I VERY much like everything you have suggested and commented on. I'll try to make good use of it.

    Back with a revision soon, which I will put IN THE ORIGINAL POST, ON TOP OF THE ORIGINAL POEM, AND I WILL CLEARLY STATE THAT IT'S A REVISION
    "Sign language is the equal of speech, lending itself equally to the rigorous and the poetic, to philosophical analysis or to making love."
    - Oliver Sacks

  2. #22
    Revision up in original post
    "Sign language is the equal of speech, lending itself equally to the rigorous and the poetic, to philosophical analysis or to making love."
    - Oliver Sacks

  3. #23
    This is very clever; I thought at first that it was a man talking to his reflection, then the reflection talking to the man. The fact that I took so long to realise that it's the physical mirror talking rather underlines the point of the poem.

    The only bit I'm unsure of (in the revision), is "I see him twice", as surely the mirror can't see the reflection that is contained within itself (unless it's looking in another mirror!)

    HC
    My debut novel Subcutis is now available from Amazon ...

    You can find me on Twitter: @HarperJCole

  4. #24
    Quote Originally Posted by HarperCole View Post
    The only bit I'm unsure of (in the revision), is "I see him twice", as surely the mirror can't see the reflection that is contained within itself (unless it's looking in another mirror!)

    HC

    Thanks HC,
    about the 'twice' part, I assume you trip over the word 'see' You have a point there. I will see if I can change it to something like: 'I know he's twice there' (not with exactly these words)
    "Sign language is the equal of speech, lending itself equally to the rigorous and the poetic, to philosophical analysis or to making love."
    - Oliver Sacks

  5. #25
    He Fails To See Me -revision

    I watch him every daygreen eyes I watch his "?" green eyes every day[ the ? is the mirrors description of those eyes.]
    the twitching corners of his mouth
    how he runs thin fingers through
    those wild golden curls
    I know so well

    Where he goes
    I fail to follow
    he will returnto look at me he always returns to look at me
    to see through me 'and' instead of 'to'

    but what he sees is him
    not me
    I see him twiceand neither mine

    He doesn't know
    how much I longto be seen by him
    caressed by him A thought, many times when I shave after a shower, I wipe the mirror to remove the steam. An option to consider and what the mirror thinks of seeing him in the buff.

    He doesn't see
    how I fragment into smithereens
    for I cannot voice the longing words in me
    so painfully mute
    against his blissful ignorance
    ​I really enjoyed this stanza internalized yet personalized as well, good job.

    "Illegitimi non carborundum " Vinegar' Joe Stilwell

    "Faith is taking the first step, even when you don't see the whole staircase." Martin Luther King Jr.

    What you learn in life is important, those you help learn, are more important.

    "They can because they think they can."
    ​Virgil

  6. #26
    Thanks Pel, I appreciate all the comments, and I will look at them closely before making my final revision.
    "Sign language is the equal of speech, lending itself equally to the rigorous and the poetic, to philosophical analysis or to making love."
    - Oliver Sacks

  7. #27
    The only "or ever will be" ending being lost is the only thing that isn't better when comparing your current revision with the original.
    I find that my lack of knowledge can sometimes be an asset in that I'm forced to try new things because I don't have any other options.

  8. #28
    Forum Moderator TuesdayEve's Avatar
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    Dear Darren,
    Your last revision says everything as in the first.
    You’ve given me a fine example of how to remove
    words concisely while maintaining its originality.
    Thanks.

  9. #29
    Darren,
    You've taken suggestions, yet still made this poem your own. I admire that. The mirror is sometimes hard to look into and reveal poetically what in life you see.

    Enjoyed!

    ~A

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