An encounter.

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Thread: An encounter.

  1. #1
    Global Moderator H.Brown's Avatar
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    An encounter.

    I walked into the library, at the same time, I did every Thursday and there you were. Sitting at the third table from the back, immersed in whatever story you were reading this time. Your stormy blue eyes followed each sentence rapidly, side to side, then down to the next. Your fine brown hair caught the breeze from an electric fan as sweat rolled down everyone else's face, your brow remined untouched by the heat.

    Fanning myself I slip by unnoticed, just scant inches from your muscular back. Bitting my lip I refrain from touching, following each defined muscle with my fingers. Then I'm passed and heading for the romance section, breathing heavily as I try to regain a tiny portion of sense, but you fill my mind.

    Closing my eyes I see your lips, pink and full, descend towards my own as my chest rises and falls rapidly, until I'm panting with your imagined kiss. Grabbing a tome at random I return to the tables and to you. Sitting at the next table across I sneak glances to my left. Watching long fingers turn a page, while I hear the gentle scrap of paper against paper.

    My book forgotten, held by numb fingers as suddenly your gaze snaps up and lands on mine. I know my cheeks are flaming red but I don't care as I'm trapped in your gaze, again. You smile at me. Just a tiny quirk of lips as you catch me staring. It's a familiar dance, that we've been doing for weeks and my heart is pounding in my chest as your gaze slips from my face.

    To my low cut peach top, that shows more than enough of my ample bosom. I catch my lower lip in my teeth as your gaze lingers a little too long before returning to my eyes. I know the question that lurks in my own, but do you share it? I think as I rise breaking eye contact.

    My hips sway, sheathed in skin tight blue jeans, I feel your eyes caress them as I walk away, into the shadowed recess of the library. Are you following? I don't know but I dare not glance back.
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  2. #2
    What are you trying to accomplish here? Which is to say, I felt bounced around. It was nice images and sentences, but my only involvement was to watch.

    (The first paragraph created a lovely image. The second paragraph seemed to be trying to set the MC as shy. The third paragraph started out erotic. The fourth paragraph could be showing us what happens when this male looks at the MC and discovers the MC staring -- but it doesn't, because I then learn they do this all the time. Which essentially forces me to recalibrate the whole story, though I did not stop to do that. I had no idea why she could not look back, which is to say, that was just a movement to me.)

  3. #3
    Commas.
    Commas in lists are easy.
    Commas that join are similar, put them before the connecting words and, or, but, while, yet to make a single sentence out of two.

    Commas that bracket things off more often give problems. I find the simple rule that if you can take out the piece in commas and the rest still makes sense, that's it. So,
    I walked into the library, at the same time, I did every Thursday and there you were
    I walked into the library I did every Thursday, and there you were.
    Not really working.
    I walked into the library, at the same time I did every Thursday, and there you were
    I walked into the library, and there you were.
    Works. Of course you still need the joining comma before the 'and'.

    Did you realise the first paragraph is in past tense and all the rest is in present?
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  4. #4
    mills an boon stuff
    The only one who can heal you is you.




  5. #5
    Quote Originally Posted by escorial View Post
    mills an boon stuff
    That may or may not be your bag, escorial, but I reckon it takes some sort of skill to write a romance that will achieve volume sales, so I'd take this as high praise if I were you Hannah.
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  6. #6
    Global Moderator H.Brown's Avatar
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    Hi thank you all for reading and commenting.

    Emma- I will look into the jumping around and see about setting up each small scene within this whole scene to help with keeping attention and atmosphere.

    Esc- this is going to be my next major wip, I have an idea rolling around my noggin but Mills an Boon, I don't know, we will have to see.

    Olly- I know those pesky commas, I need to take more care with them. Of course I take mills an boon as it as high praise. You are correct this needs more work so that it shows more skill.
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  7. #7
    I wasn't crazy about the way you broke it up into so many sentences. That should have been mebbe 2 paragraphs, more likely one. They just seemed underdeveloped.

  8. #8
    Global Moderator H.Brown's Avatar
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    I agree Ralph, I'm going to work on it. Thank you for taking the time to read and comment.

    Quote Originally Posted by Ralph Rotten View Post
    I wasn't crazy about the way you broke it up into so many sentences. That should have been mebbe 2 paragraphs, more likely one. They just seemed underdeveloped.
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  9. #9
    Quote Originally Posted by Olly Buckle View Post
    That may or may not be your bag, escorial, but I reckon it takes some sort of skill to write a romance that will achieve volume sales, so I'd take this as high praise if I were you Hannah.
    Not my bag but I think there is a market place for escapist romance.... I've read 3 Mills an boon books that my mother use to leave around the house..then they were thought of as a female read and I was surprised to read in an article that alot of the authors were male writers..so for me Mills an boon is not my bag but not bad writing either..
    The only one who can heal you is you.




  10. #10
    Oh you brought back a memory for me, Escorial. I used to live in circumstances during my teen years that left me for a period of time with access to only a cheap little book rental place in India. The only books the guy had were Mills and Boon and Barbara Cartland and a few other similar romance novels. I think I must have read the whole collection he had there! Fun to read, at that age, but I remember thinking, is this all there is to romance? Hmmmm...
    It is so much safer not to feel, not to let the world touch me.
    --Sylvia Plath

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