An encounter. - Page 2
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Thread: An encounter.

  1. #11
    Me dad said why is he reading them books an playing with action men dolls....
    The only one who can heal you is you.




  2. #12
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    Quote Originally Posted by H.Brown View Post
    I walked into the library, at the same time, I did every Thursday and there you were. Sitting at the third table from the back, immersed in whatever story you were reading this time. Your stormy blue eyes followed each sentence rapidly, side to side, then down to the next. Your fine brown hair caught the breeze from an electric fan as sweat rolled down everyone else's face, your brow remined untouched by the heat.

    Fanning myself I slip by unnoticed, just scant inches from your muscular back. Bitting my lip I refrain from touching, following each defined muscle with my fingers. Then I'm passed and heading for the romance section, breathing heavily as I try to regain a tiny portion of sense, but you fill my mind.

    Closing my eyes I see your lips, pink and full, descend towards my own as my chest rises and falls rapidly, until I'm panting with your imagined kiss. Grabbing a tome at random I return to the tables and to you. Sitting at the next table across I sneak glances to my left. Watching long fingers turn a page, while I hear the gentle scrap of paper against paper.

    My book forgotten, held by numb fingers as suddenly your gaze snaps up and lands on mine. I know my cheeks are flaming red but I don't care as I'm trapped in your gaze, again. You smile at me. Just a tiny quirk of lips as you catch me staring. It's a familiar dance, that we've been doing for weeks and my heart is pounding in my chest as your gaze slips from my face.

    To my low cut peach top, that shows more than enough of my ample bosom. I catch my lower lip in my teeth as your gaze lingers a little too long before returning to my eyes. I know the question that lurks in my own, but do you share it? I think as I rise breaking eye contact.

    My hips sway, sheathed in skin tight blue jeans, I feel your eyes caress them as I walk away, into the shadowed recess of the library. Are you following? I don't know but I dare not glance back.
    Ah, romance!

    I feel conflicted on the language. Some of it I really like. For some reason I am drawn to this "Your fine brown hair caught the breeze from an electric fan as sweat rolled down everyone else's face" and I think the reason for that is because despite being rather simple it presents a clear image of this gentleman (can I assume it is a gentleman? Muscular backs?) and also, in a subtle way, shows how he is - from the perspective of the protagonist at least - part of a different reality. "My hips sway, sheathed in skin tight blue jeans" is another brutally simple but conceivable image. So is "Watching long fingers turn a page, while I hear the gentle scrap of paper against paper."

    On the other hand there are issues with cliche. I know romance has its tropes but I felt a certain typecasting that I would, just as personal preference, prefer to see less of. I detest "I know my cheeks are flaming red but I don't care as I'm trapped in your gaze, again" for the simple reason that I think you are a better writer than to use a phrase like 'flaming red'. Why flaming red? Is that not just about the most obvious type of redness there is? If you're going to qualify the color beyond simply 'red' (nothing wrong with that by the way) then pick something that adds a dimension beyond what is simply there in the word 'Red': Candy Apple Red; Red as a summer sky; Red like a baboon's arse.

    Similarly I cannot get along with "trapped in your gaze, again" mainly because it's every eighties love ballad ever but also because I don't believe this person is really trapped by those eyes. If they are, they escape pretty easily six sentences later. What I would prefer is for that moment, that trapped feeling to be explained for what it really is, which I think would be less to do with being trapped at all and more about some unspoken understanding, some secret language. You can go to town on that, if you wanted.

    Generally though, pretty good. Definitely reads like the opening of something yet to be fully unpacked but not bad.

  3. #13
    Member Sync's Avatar
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    hello

    It has all the parts needed for romance. Your use of commas stalled me a few times as I sorted out which images belonged where. There were a few typo things, but that's expected on drafts. I'll give your first para a critique. All my thoughts are opinions based on my experience - it doesn't mean they are law no matter how I phrase them. As always, you are the writer.



    I walked into the library, at the same time, I did every Thursday and there you were. Sitting at the third table from the back, immersed in whatever story you were reading this time.
    I walked into the library at the same time I did every Thursday. You were sitting third table from the back.

    Do you see the two images? One is the imagery of you doing your daily thing, the other separate images is of the new object of interest. You want to clearly define the boundary between the two actions, because each one is important alone. Remember every word you write builds on the images and knowledge of a reader has towards your character. Even that they go to the library regular, builds something. I know you might believe that those pauses build something better, but I do not believe they do, or at least, work against it.

    Your stormy blue eyes followed each sentence rapidly, side to side, then down to the next. Your fine brown hair caught the breeze from an electric fan as sweat rolled down everyone else's face, your brow remined untouched by the heat.
    Keep the focus on what you want to show to your readers. Is it the sweat of everyone else, but not his, or is it how his fine brown hair caught in the breeze of an electric fan? My suggestion is to keep those eyes of your mc, directly and only on him ie:

    Your stormy blue eyes quickly followed each line in a book, your fine brown hair caught the breeze from an electric fan. You were untouched by that day's heat.

    Focus on your mc's observation. Gather that data into one moment and sharpen its gaze. There are times when you should break images into separate statements - those short commands, but other times when their collection forms a stronger image, so the reader gathers it all at once.

    **

    Again, these are only my opinions of writing. Not rules.

    A nice piece that can go further with a bit more work

    Sync


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