Double Shootout

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  1. #1

    Double Shootout

    Darrell lit his first morning cigarette and stepped out into the soggy darkness of southern winter. About the time he left the trailer park, the incident that would shape his day at work began. Twin brothers, with identical strawberry blond hair from Valdosta, South Georgia, had walked inside the Super Targett store and gone back to the accounting room. The only guard in the store called the sheriff.

    The dispatcher told Darrell to proceed with lights but no siren. Billy Ray Campbell, his partner, 5'5", bald headed and a toupee with attitude, was riding shotgun in the car. Now he was shouting at Darrell, "slow down man, I don' wannadie.!" Traffic lights flashing yellow, Darrell was just blowing through them at 80.

    Darrell was the first out of the car and asked the trooper in charge, "Where you want us?" "Take your unit to the end of the building, leave the flashers on, and wait in the ditch." Two county cops were in the ditch 15-20 yards from them, and Darrell thought about trajectories, and Billy Ray's excitability. Darrell had his gun out trained on the door in front of him, thinking to himself "I can't believe this is happening. I can't believe this is happening."

    Then the twins came out through the back walk-through onto the loading ramp steps. The 1st held the door for his brother pushing a shopping cart full of bank bags. Both ran down the ramp holding Browning 9 MM automatics
    with 14 shot clips welded back to back with extra clips in their pockets.
    They came toward Darrell and Billy Ray jumped up, "Halt Police!"
    Spotlights flooded the area with gold lights.They started shooting but couldn't see. Darrell grabbed Billy Ray and jerked him back down, cops on the right firing.

    Darrell hit one in the hip, with everybody firing, the other brother grabbed 2 bags out of the cart and made it to the woods. The bullet had hit his brother’s pelvis, shattered it and a leg bone. Now Darrell felt the wind blowing cold, neither of them dressed for it. Back at the sheriff's office they filled out reports in triplicate.

    Back home in the trailer he fixed a scotch, and walked to his arm chair, with his gun still strapped on. Halfway through the scotch the trailer shook with a BAMM!! He jumped up, pulled his 41 out of the holster and fired wildly in the direction of the noise. Nerves taut as piano wire, he opened the back door. An 11-12 year old kid carrying his bike was running towards the woods.

    The bullet hole in the trailer was 3' above ground, the size and shape of Darrell's heart.
    Last edited by RC James; January 26th, 2018 at 04:15 PM.

  2. #2
    I really like this story as well as the perspective it is told from. It is always interesting getting thoughts and feelings of the character through a limited omniscient story.

    I did however noticed a few things that could be improved on. Firstly, should Super Targett have one t?

    Secondly, try to keep phrases about numbers spelled out. For example, 5' 5", could be written as five foot five inches as well as blowing through them at 80 could be written as blowing through them at eighty (kilometers or miles per hour). The example that really needs fixing is the phrase 1st. It should be written as first.

    I was also a little bit confused by the phrase "Darrell thought about trajectories, and Billy Ray's excitability".

    Something that really stood out to me is your language about guns. I do not know a great deal about guns, but off of the quick research that I did, a Browning 9MM is a pistol, that is semi-automatic, not automatic. I also found it strange that they had their magazines welded together. I understand that this is a thing with rifles, but firstly, I do not know how welding magazines together is possible with a pistol magazine, and secondly, how are people desperate enough to rob people at gun point going to have access to welding equipment. Maybe the magazines are taped together instead? Another thing I noticed about your gun language is that you refereed to a magazine of ammunition as a clip. From what I know, many gun people despise this term, as it does not properly explain what you are trying to explain. Clips and magazines are different.
    If you were meaning to talk about a different weapon, maybe word it differently to be more accurate, or just keep it less specific and just refer to the weapon as a rifle or a pistol.

    After these few corrections I still like the crime aspect of the story. The last thing I want to comment on is the last paragraph. I know it meant to be misleading and mysterious, but I am so confused by what you mean by "the trailer was 3' above ground, the size and shape of Darrell's heart."

    Other than that this story was awesome and I'd love to see more. Keep up the work!

  3. #3
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    Overall a pretty cool story that I thoroughly enjoyed reading!
    A few things I noticed that could use some improvement:
    -Maybe describe the opening bits of action in a bit more detail. Why did the guard call the sheriff? Did he notice the two boys? How did he not get noticed and shot?
    -The opening seems to jump around a bit, it opens with darrell outside, heading to work, but in the next line he's in a police car. Maybe just reword the part where the dispatcher calls him to explain to the reader that Darrell on patrol with his partner. Just keeps it a bit less jumpy IMO
    -Only thing about the shootout I want to add on top of what Zebra has already said is a small nit pick: Its magazines, not clips
    I will say I could understand what it meant by welded back to back (bottom to bottom I guess is another term) however, Ii don't see the working effectively in the real world. This may be how you want it though, to show the type of criminals these people are (not really knowing what they're doing)

    Now, some of the good stuff:
    -I enjoyed the shoot out scene, it felt a bit jumpy the first time I read it, however, it flowed far better the second time around. Good action scenes have always been hard to write for me for whatever reason, so I can always respect a well written scene like the one above.
    -I liked the characters, or, at least what I got of them.
    -the way it started was pretty good, grabbed my attention and kept it.

  4. #4
    Global Moderator H.Brown's Avatar
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    You create a vivid story here that is well written Rc, I enjoyed reading this story, is there going to be more or is this just a short story, in my opinion it could be either. You create and present such believable characters that it felt like I was expiriencing the action you wrote about. Well done this was entertaining.
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