Visiting Time - Page 4
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Thread: Visiting Time

  1. #31
    thank you Danny - sorry to hear about your relations, no doubt, the condition effects different people in different ways -
    I can only speak from my experience......Ned

  2. #32

  3. #33
    Hello — Considering the long discussion about first person, I thought I would try an exercise and rewrite this piece with no personal reference whatsoever, just to see what happens - how it affects the overall experience of the poem. Here goes

    Visiting Time

    snatches follow
    a circular path

    the ground beneath
    slipping away

    clouded eyes
    cannot connect
    image with mind

    inside
    alone, unafraid
    oblivious
    undismayed

    do not know
    don't know
    what to do

    a life sentence
    commuted



    In my opinion, the message is stronger even though the story might be more obscure. The personal agony is very evident in these words, although the circumstances are even less clear than the original. Which leads me to conclude that our need to reveal story can detract from the emotional impact of the poem.

  4. #34
    Met3 Group Leader RHPeat's Avatar
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    Tim
    Any poem's voice can certainly make or break the poem, while clarity offers flow of content as music.

  5. #35
    Well, it's certainly true that personal reference adds some structure, some context to hang the images on and make the images relevant to our common experiences... If that's what you mean by voice and clarity.

  6. #36
    hello - thank you TL for taking the trouble to rewrite my poem - as I read it, every aspect seems to be weaker.

    this poem has to be in first-person, not to draw sympathy, but to put the reader in with the visitor.
    where the real emotion lies, hopefully..................Ned

  7. #37
    Hello — No problem. Glad I could help.

  8. #38
    This reminds me of a poem I have written recently.Same Subject.

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