Visiting Time - Page 3
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Thread: Visiting Time

  1. #21
    Ha! Don't like that one either, but even I've relaxed on it, as I've moved to more anecdotal poems, due to subject matter. But, "I" is not skimmed over, it is intrusive by nature. It has meaning, whereas "the" does not.

  2. #22
    Hi ned,
    I really like your style. Please do not take my suggestions below as anything other than a suggestion to tighten up this poem. () means drop the word ** mean add $$ mean dive deep for another wording "" just comment to pull it all together. I love succinct, tight poems.

    I (can) only grasp
    (in) snatches *;*
    (can) only follow
    a circular path

    (where) all I feel
    is the icy ground beneath
    my feet
    slipping away

    my clouded eyes
    cannot connect
    (with) your image
    with*in* my mind

    yet I am here $where$ inside
    alone, unafraid
    oblivious
    undismayed

    I do not know $where$ “may make this stronger”
    therefore you don't know
    what to do

    when I commute
    a life sentence

    'who are you?'

  3. #23
    hello Arian, welcome to the perfectly pedantic poetry thread.
    and I thank you for your considered feedback.

    this poem is not my usual style - and it doesn't really use poetical devices
    - other than the voice and the message.

    but your rewrite undermines these aspects.
    I can only grasp - implies helplessness, vulnerability.
    I only grasp - implies choice

    the voice is plain, innocent and uncontrived.
    hopefully, the message is clear enough.

    why lose these things just to 'tighten up' ?

    sure, plenty of poems could with some trimming - but it shouldn't be the default position on all poetry -
    automatically assumed with scant justification.

    I'm glad you like my style and I appreciate the encouragement.

    keep scratchin'..........Ned

  4. #24
    Hi Ned, sorry I didn't see in the original thread where I had responded as did you. I see where you stated this is not your usual style. I did not mean to undermine you in any way. So you can take or leave anything at any time from me. So that being said you can take or leave my input below.


    A couple of word changes just putting my two cents. For what it is worth feel free to take or leave. enjoyed!

    I can only grasp (invision, see?)
    in snatches (snippits?) *Like you are trying to remember partial parts of something but don’t get a full on view*
    can only follow
    a circular path


    my clouded eyes
    cannot connect
    with your image (remove with?)
    with my mind (within?)
    Last edited by ArianSpirit; January 13th, 2018 at 01:46 AM.

  5. #25
    Hello Arian - no, you're not undermining my work at all - I'm happy to receive critique, and it's good to see you are getting involved.
    If I disagree with any critique, I try to give my reasons why.

    Quote Originally Posted by ArianSpirit View Post

    I can only grasp (invision, see?)
    in snatches (snippits?) *Like you are trying to remember partial parts of something but don’t get a full on view*
    can only follow
    a circular path

    my clouded eyes
    cannot connect
    with your image (remove with?)
    with my mind (within?)
    basically, you want to ditch the poetry for prose, as I read it - with no reason given....

    to be honest, I'm more interested in how the mood and meaning came across.

    cheers..........Ned

  6. #26
    I'm never sure exactly what you have in mind when you write a poem, Ned but I always pick up a mood and a message - not necessarily yours but does that matter? Not to me.

    With this one, I get the feeling of visiting a close relative in a Home or a hospital. Someone with dementia or out-of-it on drugs. The sadness and despair of the separation comes across and the question at the end speaks to me of losing something of oneself when death finally ends the suffering.

    As I say, possibly worlds away from your intended mood and message but it had a powerful impact in my little world. Thanks for giving me so much to consider.

    jen

    Just starting out on the adventure of poetry? Why not join us on
    Poetry Hill where you will receive one-to-one advice and suggestions for ways to work with your poem.





    My Poems




  7. #27
    my only question on this ned is why unafraid? I get the sense of trapped (almost claustrophobically so) and of a helplessness - and the title implies prison or in a hospital (s0 things are not going well?) - so the word really threw me.

  8. #28
    "basically, you want to ditch the poetry for prose, as I read it - with no reason given....

    to be honest, I'm more interested in how the mood and meaning came across."

    Ned, I am not trying make you ditch anything. It is your work and I have no say so as to whether you take or leave any suggestion.

    As for what you asked for? The mood and meaning? This seems to be something personal, the mood is I don't know you anymore and I don't care but, yet possibly I do..an inner struggle and a hard look into life itself.

    All respect,
    Arian

  9. #29
    hello - thank you all for commenting. Just figured out the multi-quote function!

    Quote Originally Posted by dannyboy View Post
    my only question on this ned is why unafraid? I get the sense of trapped (almost claustrophobically so) and of a helplessness - and the title implies prison or in a hospital (s0 things are not going well?) - so the word really threw me.
    yes, I threw 'unafraid' in there to give the reader pause and give more depth to the narrator's state of mind.
    sure, 'things are not going well' - but unafraid is no contradiction to that - and a small clue that the narrator is unaware of their own condition.
    my only question for you Danny - since you took the trouble to comment, what did you think of the poem?

    Quote Originally Posted by ArianSpirit View Post

    Ned, I am not trying make you ditch anything. It is your work and I have no say so as to whether you take or leave any suggestion.
    yes Arian, that's all understood, so there's no need to walk around on eggshells.
    we are all here to try and help each other's poetry and to give encouragement -
    but when you make suggestions of changes to another's poem - then some sort of justification is more helpful and clarifies your point.

    appreciate the feedback J the P - poetically speaking, the message seems plain enough.

    cheers.......Ned

  10. #30
    Having placed my mother and mother-in-law both in care last year due to deteriorating mental/physical states (both very old, advanced stages of alzheimers) this poem hit a nerve with me (in a good way) because I felt it was giving voice to their states - except (which is why I asked) both do experience fear, groundless, unknowable fear because they have no short term memories to ground themselves so reality and nightmares are intermingled.

    As usual its a strong poem from you ned.

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