Visiting Time


Page 1 of 4 1234 LastLast
Results 1 to 10 of 40

Thread: Visiting Time

  1. #1

    Visiting Time

    .
    I can only grasp
    in snatches
    can only follow
    a circular path

    where all I feel
    is the ground beneath
    my feet
    slipping away

    my clouded eyes
    cannot connect
    with your image
    with my mind

    yet I am here inside
    alone, unafraid
    oblivious
    undismayed

    I do not know
    therefore you don't know
    what to do

    when I commute
    a life sentence

    'who are you?'
    Last edited by ned; January 6th, 2018 at 11:36 AM. Reason: re-boot

  2. #2
    Global Moderator Squalid Glass's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jul 2009
    Location
    Colorado Springs, Colorado
    Posts
    1,589
    Blog Entries
    1
    This has a very melancholy rhythm. The enjambment and stanza breaks are masterfully done.

    The stanza referencing tech language threw me out of the poem, but it is so rhythmic I'd hate to see you take it out.
    "I don't do anything with my life except romanticize and decay with indecision."

    "America I've given you all and now I'm nothing."

  3. #3
    Ned, a few thoughts on a provocative poem.

    3rd stanza: remove both “with” into your image and my mind.
    4th stanza: eliminate “but”
    5th stanza: remove “and”

    Thanks for sharing.
    "Illegitimi non carborundum " Vinegar' Joe Stilwell

    "Faith is taking the first step, even when you don't see the whole staircase." Martin Luther King Jr.

    What you learn in life is important, those you help learn, are more important.

    "They can because they think they can."
    ​Virgil

    "Wise men speak because they have something to say; Fools will speak to say something." Plato

    "The only difference between reality and fiction is that fiction needs to be credible."
    ​ Mark Twain

    "To those of you who received honors, awards and distinctions, I say well done. And to the C students, I say you, too, can be president of the United States." George W. Bush



  4. #4
    As SG referenced, this seems like two poems, not well connected images. An abruptness that jars the reader out of the poem to wonder, "What?"

    I could see it ending after 4th stanza.

  5. #5
    hello - thank you all for reading and commenting.

    I have edited the poem and ditched the tech verse, since it doesn't seem to chime...
    looking for an analogy too far, perhaps.
    I posted this one a bit raw, as I didn't want to overwork it........and that probably shows.

    Pel - losing the little words speeds up the voice - not really the effect I want.
    but it helps more when thoughts are given with some sort of justification -

    cheers...............Ned

  6. #6
    Global Moderator Squalid Glass's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jul 2009
    Location
    Colorado Springs, Colorado
    Posts
    1,589
    Blog Entries
    1
    I like the edit. Solid.
    "I don't do anything with my life except romanticize and decay with indecision."

    "America I've given you all and now I'm nothing."

  7. #7
    When a word is used twice in one stanza, make it important and intended; removes reader doubt. Plus, as I write confessional poetry, it is always a struggle for me not to begin with the word "I", and not to overload a poem with it.

    Maybe this?:

    Only in snatches
    can I grasp
    Only in circles
    can I follow

    Same elimination of "I" on this stanza:

    where all that's felt
    is the ground beneath

    Why so impersonal on this stanza?:
    "with your image"
    (with your eyes)
    I think use of "eyes" twice would work.
    Consider another line than: "with my mind". Impersonal, again.

    I'd drop "yet", on this stanza, in order to start with strength, lose "oblivious":

    I am here
    alone inside
    unafraid
    undismayed

    I usually am not fond of questions in poems, but the theme fits. Personally, I'd end it with the question, and skip what you wrote after, which I think is your "darling" that you don't want to delete. We all have them.

    The last words written would be this, as the mono-line:

    "and, who are you?"

    Despite all my interjections, I liked it. Sas

  8. #8
    hello Sas - thank you for your considered reply -

    your revision of the first verse mentions I twice - so, I'm not sure what your point is.
    my aim is to highlight the narrator's limitations.

    yet......I may have symptoms but nevertheless...........a change of focus.

    'with my mind' is impersonal?

    ok - I have restored the question to the final line - where I prefer it.

    the question asked cannot hang on its own - especially if left to the last line, can you see that?
    my 'darling' verse is merely the setup - which is required.

    thank you Squalid, for the 'solid' (can't help myself)..............Ned

  9. #9
    Ned,

    My point on first stanza use of "I" was to not begin the poem with it. It is a pedestrian way to begin a confessional poem. I felt you could keep the use of "I" and, at the same time, make the double use of "only" stronger.

    You are an intellectual type, smiles, so I guess you see "mind" as personal. Off the top of my head, something along these lines might bring the personal connection:

    "with our life"
    (plus your/our is gained"

    Hope helpful, if not it was a good dialogue to exchange differences between poets. There are no rules in poetry. These are just mine. Best. Sas

  10. #10
    hello Sas - thank you for the feedback - but this poem certainly ain't a confessional
    and there is nothing pedestrian about starting with 'I' - where did you get that idea?

    you cannot ask a poet to chop up their poem on a personal whim -
    what would Wordsworth say?

    intellectual? LOL.......thanks for that Sas..........Ned

Page 1 of 4 1234 LastLast

Bookmarks

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
  •  
This website uses cookies
We use cookies to store session information to facilitate remembering your login information, to allow you to save website preferences, to personalise content and ads, to provide social media features and to analyse our traffic. We also share information about your use of our site with our social media, advertising and analytics partners.