Orange City: The triangle

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  1. #1

    Orange City: The triangle

    It was about mid afternoon when Luke’s father, Gerald, got word of him. Gerald was the biggest crime boss of Orange City. He dealt in guns, drugs, and other illegal contrabands, such as navy seals equipments. He was king of the north, and was only rivaled by two other factions. The first of which was his own son Luke.
    Today Gerald learned that one of his secret volts, in a far off safe house, was broken into by Luke and his faction, and a lot of Gerald’s precious items were stolen.
    “Someone please explain to me how this happened?” Gerald asked his goons impatiently. They were in his personal office at home where he held his important meetings. Gerald was a large Latino man with a goatee, and was sitting on his brown armchair which had a very large window on the wall behind it.
    This room was on the third floor, and the windows had a good view of the outdoors. His office had a particularly good view of his garden and the front gate. He could easily see the black limousines which were parked outside by the rocky roundabout, with a water fountain made of rare stones in the middle.
    There were several grand bushes, trees, and some of Gerald’s goons walking about in their dark suits. These men were often accompanied by some really fearsome rottweilers. Gerald, however, would never go anywhere without wearing one of his expensive suits, gold rings, and a Rolex.
    He looked at his goons questionly. Then poured some liquor into a glass, and then lit a cigar.
    “I want to know how my son got to barge in, got pass my security codes, and walked out with a million dollars worth of equipments?” He asked. He took a long drag of his cigar and then very quickly came to a conclusion.
    “Ok, i'm going to change all the access codes to my vaults. I can’t believe I haven’t thought of this before.” He exclaimed.
    “That’s because we’ve never been robbed before boss.” His goon Louis replied. Louis was skinny but loved wearing shiny suits, and his dark hair was always neatly combed towards the back.
    After Gerald’s conclusion, Louis came up with a bright idea.
    “Well speak up,” Gerald insisted.
    “Well, sir, it’s just that Luke has been giving us a lot of problems and..”
    “Yes, and?”
    “Well, I was thinking. It might be better if we just...kill him?” Louis implied shyly. Gerald didn’t reply back right away, but instead, he took another drag of his cigar and exhaled some more smoke. Then he gave Louis a fake smile, which insinuated that he was supposed to be happy at Louis’ bravery. Then Gerald patted the arm of his other goon in the room, Marcos. A very muscular man with a dragon tattoo on his neck, who was standing to the left of Gerald.
    “You see that? He wants to start thinking now,” Gerald said. Then he got up to pat Louis’ face with his large hands. He gave out a light chuckle.
    “That’s cute. He wants me to kill the boy.” Both Gerald and Marcos started laughing at Louis. Then Gerald grabbed Louis by his suit jacket, and shoved his back against the wall.
    “Listen amigo, I make the rules here you got that? Marcos, what does the rules say?”
    “We are to never hurt the boss’s son.”
    “You hear that, you twit? No one is to harm the boy. And if you do, well I have some very hungry dogs to feed you to.” Gerald let go of his suit.
    “Yes, boss.” Luis replied shakily. Luke’s mother had passed away from terminal illness when he was just an infant, so he had been living with his father up until two years ago when he turned twenty two. He had an altercation with Gerald about his role in the family business. Things did not go in Luke’s favor. So Luke decided to leave, along with some of his closest companions to claim their own territory.
    They became owners of a very large portion of the black market, which helped them to quickly rise to power in the underworld, and thus a force to be reckoned with. His main headquarters was at an old abandoned warehouse on the southside of Orange City. Today he was holding a meeting to celebrate his latest successful robbery.
    He was standing at the center of everyone downstairs on the main floor. He was always easy to be recognized. Often being the loudest person in the room, and would usually wear his favorite red leather pants, black boots, and a red & black leather jacket without any shirt. So his chest and stomach were always exposed; whenever he leaned over his jacket lifted up on the back— to reveal the gleam of his silver glock, which he always kept tucked in on the back of his waist.
    He stood happily next to one of the stolen crates as he addressed his gang.
    “You see guys, I told you I would bring presents!” He kicked open a crate. Inside of it were several Semi- automatic rifles, they were state of the art. In the other crates were things like grenades and rocket launchers.
    One of his newer companions was a dark girl named Venus. She was very tall and skinny. She always wore black and never lets her hair grow past her shoulders. Once she saw the crates and learned of Luke’s latest escapade she was stunned.
    “Stealing from your own dad so you can ruin him, huh? Geesh, and I thought I had family problems.” She said.
    “Well listen Venus, the old man’s time is up. It’s my turn to rule Orange City now, and I just brought us all the toys we need to do it.” Luke replied cheekily.
    He was a very savvy computer hacker and that’s how he was able to break through his father’s security codes. Gerald’s goons chased after Luke once the silent alarms sounded. They were driving on the highway, while Luke carried the crates in the back of a minivan.
    “Yea I think there were like five of those bastards, hot on my tail. So I put the moves on ‘em. Lucky for me Pedro added those turbos in the van like I asked. They worked like a charm.” He said.
    “You were chased by them?!”
    “Chased and shot at darling…”
    “First of all, don’t call me that. Second, you’re a spoiled brat! You idiot, you could have gotten yourself killed.” She said. Venus ran out of the room crying. Luke and the rest of his crew looked on silently as she left.
    “Tsk. Women.” Luke grunted. He didn’t pay her any attention, but instead walked back over to one of the crates, and picked up a machine gun to show it off.
    On the West side of Orange City was the third of these powerful factions. They were a group of newcomers and were hungry for recognition. They were headed by an infamous female— a deadly assassin who hated all men. Her name was Asakura.
    She was the owner of an Asian restaurant downtown, and held most of her illegal transactions in a room beneath it underground. Today she was interrogating a spy. She had her henchmen tie him up on a chair so they can torture him for information.
    She walked over to where he was being held to rub his head. The spy was worned out from all the beating, and he was asking to be set free.
    “What does he know?” She asked. Lee was her right hand man, and would go wherever she was to protect her. Lee was unmatched by any other fighter in martial arts and was her best guardian.
    “I found out Gerald is trying to get the info on our new drug business,” He replied.
    “We can assume that whatever Gerald knows, his son Luke is never too far behind.” After Lee’s statement, Asakura tied her hair up in a bun, while some of her bangs dangled over her eyes. She walked over to the corner where a sword leaned on the wall.
    When she walked back over to the spy with the sword in her hand, he started crying.
    “Please, don’t kill me.” The spy begged. But she proceeded to unsheathed her sword, in a very slow and terrifying manner. In Orange City having power meant having the right information, and Asakura wasn’t about to let her secret get out.
    “You can’t kill me. They’ll come back and kill all of you!” The spy exclaimed. She kept her gaze, then she clutched her sword. She leaned her head and whispered into his ear.
    “Oh, don’t worry mister spy….one day— I will die too.” With one quick swift of her blade his head came tumbling down and rolled around on the ground. She looked over at her companions and they all knew what his death meant. And they were ready.
    Last edited by rickyknight1; May 15th, 2018 at 06:36 AM.

  2. #2
    rickyknight1 thanks for posting this. I gave it a read and found a few things that, at least in my opinion, stood out.

    There is a significant amount of you telling the reader about the characters, the city and the situations, rather than having the reader learn and experience this information through the point of view of the main characters. The story reads as if the reader is standing on the sidelines and watching what is happening, much like watching a movie. I didn’t feel connected to the characters because I wasn’t seeing the story through their eyes and emotions.

    As well, sections of the narrative come across as information dumps. It is as if you have this whole world designed in your head and you are trying to tell the reader all about it and the backstory, instead of letting the reader live in this world through the characters.

    To better explain what I mean, I took the start of your story and included a bit of background through the eyes of the main character. It’s not the best example but I hope it gives you an idea of what I am talking about:

    Gerald sat at his ornate oak desk stroking his salt and pepper goatee as he contemplated the news he had just heard. Lately, business had been good but this news would cause a setback. It was hard to believe that his own son would have the nerve to steal from him.

    The ornate desk gives a sense of wealth, the salt and pepper goatee provides the reader with an idea about the characters age and the news about his son sets the stage for the rest of the section involving Gerald.

    Have a look at most fiction authors and see how they tell the story and describe scenes through the eyes of the POV main character.

    Again, this is all just my opinion. I hope some of my thoughts are useful. Good luck with this story.

  3. #3
    Quote Originally Posted by Roac View Post
    rickyknight1 thanks for posting this. I gave it a read and found a few things that, at least in my opinion, stood out.

    There is a significant amount of you telling the reader about the characters, the city and the situations, rather than having the reader learn and experience this information through the point of view of the main characters. The story reads as if the reader is standing on the sidelines and watching what is happening, much like watching a movie. I didn’t feel connected to the characters because I wasn’t seeing the story through their eyes and emotions.

    As well, sections of the narrative come across as information dumps. It is as if you have this whole world designed in your head and you are trying to tell the reader all about it and the backstory, instead of letting the reader live in this world through the characters.

    To better explain what I mean, I took the start of your story and included a bit of background through the eyes of the main character. It’s not the best example but I hope it gives you an idea of what I am talking about:

    Gerald sat at his ornate oak desk stroking his salt and pepper goatee as he contemplated the news he had just heard. Lately, business had been good but this news would cause a setback. It was hard to believe that his own son would have the nerve to steal from him.

    The ornate desk gives a sense of wealth, the salt and pepper goatee provides the reader with an idea about the characters age and the news about his son sets the stage for the rest of the section involving Gerald.

    Have a look at most fiction authors and see how they tell the story and describe scenes through the eyes of the POV main character.

    Again, this is all just my opinion. I hope some of my thoughts are useful. Good luck with this story.
    Yes, and I’m glad you mentioned it. When I wrote the sequel to the story, I did take your advice into account.

  4. #4
    That is great.

    Are you going to post the sequel?

  5. #5
    Quote Originally Posted by Roac View Post
    That is great.

    Are you going to post the sequel?
    Well honestly I felt like abandoning ship, after this failure, but maybe I will

  6. #6
    ricky - Pretty cool and way up-to-date. I like the way you handle dialogue - very smooth and engaging - helluva piece, man - RC

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