Just typed out a submission for a contest and then realized I was a day late.


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Thread: Just typed out a submission for a contest and then realized I was a day late.

  1. #1

    Just typed out a submission for a contest and then realized I was a day late.

    But I may as well post it here..........

    My first clue that something was up happened the moment I stepped though the door. Sergeant Pearson mumbled something indiscernible as he brushed past me and out the door. Sergeant Ramirez turned back to his computer screen with the hint of a smirk on his face. The other computers were unoccupied as of yet, not unusual for the hour before and after shift change thanks to the light work load and accompanying boredom. Sergeant First Class Walker was sitting at his computer, a grandfatherly figure with thick glasses and a kind face, pecking away diligently at his computer keyboard. Hell, i thought to my self, he would make a good grandfather if you wanted the spineless, lazy, tantrum throwing kind who might toss your wallet into the trash can or send you down some mindless rabbit trail talking about some obscure item of news.


    “Smith, can I have a word with you outside please”. He said, looking up at me through those coke bottle glasses.


    “Sure thing boss” I said, grabbing my hat back up off the corner of my desk.


    “The smoking area is fine” He said, placing his hat on his head as he stood up.


    As I headed for the smoking area I pulled out my pipe and tobacco bag, thankful for its company. What now, I wondered to myself, trash police again? Maybe bunker rape patrol? Headcount? No, not headcount, that’s reserved for folks caught screwing in the mail room. I scooped some tobacco out of my pouch and packed it into my pipe, then fished my zippo lighter out of my pocket.


    “Smith, you will be heading north in a few days” the mustache beneath the thick glasses said.


    I glanced at him through a cloud of smoke, “Huh what”? pulling the pipe from my mouth “North where? Iraq north?”


    “Yes, some of line units technical inspectors got in a bit of trouble up there, so you will be heading up there to replace one.” said the mustache


    “You know boss, just about everyone in the T.I. shop wants to go up north” I said leaving out the “but me” part.


    “ I know, but I want you to go up there, you’re experienced on both airframes.”


    “Chinooks mostly, but…………….” I said, and then I was cut off by a look that said it wasn’t up for debate.


    “ You can take tomorrow off to get your stuff packed, you’re taking everything except your foot locker, which you need to put in the conex before you leave.” he said “You are now on the third chalk for redeployment home.”


    Great, I thought, as SFC Walker turned and walked backed to the office, nearly getting run over a bike carrying a helmeted supply clerk. “So much for laying low and getting home in August” i muttered to myself
    "The old order changeth, yielding place to new." Lord Tennyson, "Idylls of the King"
    If I have any creed that I wish you as readers, necessary accomplices in this flirtatious ceremony of writing and reading, will take with you from my pages, it’d be this belief of mine that writers of caliber can ground their work in specific land and lingo and yet be writing of that larger country: life” Ivan Doig

  2. #2
    Your story reads well. I also came up with an idea too late for the contest, it was over before I finished writing. Seeing as you posted your's, I figured I would read it as a judge and offer some comments

    Your story flows well with good visuals. The dialog works well and it was easy for me to get involved with the story line. I thought the ending was a little weak, and that given the word count you could have added more detail and emotion to it given the circumstances.

    Spag errors are highlighted in red



    Welcome to the forum and I proclaim you the winner of this contest...Bob



    My first clue that something was up happened the moment I stepped through the door. Sergeant Pearson mumbled something indiscernible as he brushed past me and out the door. Sergeant Ramirez turned back to his computer screen with the hint of a smirk on his face. The other computers were unoccupied as of yet, not unusual for the hour before and after shift change thanks to the light work load and accompanying boredom. Sergeant First Class Walker was sitting at his computer, a grandfatherly figure with thick glasses and a kind face, pecking away diligently at his computer keyboard. Hell, I thought to myself, he would make a good grandfather if you wanted the spineless, lazy, tantrum throwing kind who might toss your wallet into the trash can or send you down some mindless rabbit trail talking about some obscure item of news.


    “Smith, can I have a word with you outside please”. He said, looking up at me through those coke bottle glasses.


    “Sure thing boss” I said, grabbing my hat back up off the corner of my desk.


    “The smoking area is fine” He said, placing his hat on his head as he stood up.


    As I headed for the smoking area I pulled out my pipe and tobacco bag, thankful for its company. What now, I wondered to myself, trash police again? Maybe bunker rape patrol? Headcount? No, not headcount, that’s reserved for folks caught screwing in the mail room. I scooped some tobacco out of my pouch and packed it into my pipe, then fished my zippo lighter out of my pocket.


    “Smith, you will be heading north in a few days” the mustache beneath the thick glasses said.


    I glanced at him through a cloud of smoke, “Huh what?" Pulling the pipe from my mouth “North where? Iraq north?”


    “Yes, some of the line units technical inspectors got in a bit of trouble up there, so you will be heading up there to replace one.” said the mustache


    “You know boss, just about everyone in the T.I. shop wants to go up north” I said, leaving out the “but me” part.


    “ I know, but I want you to go up there, you’re experienced on both airframes.”


    “Chinooks mostly, but…………….” I said, and then I was cut off by a look that said it wasn’t up for debate.


    “ You can take tomorrow off to get your stuff packed, you’re taking everything except your foot locker, which you need to put in the conex before you leave.” he said “You are now on the third chalk for redeployment home.”


    Great, I thought, as SFC Walker turned and walked back to the office, nearly getting run over a bike carrying a helmeted supply clerk. “So much for laying low and getting home in August” I muttered to myself
    God hates a coward Revelation 21:8

    “Good writin' ain't necessarily good readin'.”

    Hidden Content ,

    To encourage and facilitate "me"

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