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Thread: October Winner: Non-fiction challenge.

  1. #1
    Forum Moderator H.Brown's Avatar
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    October Winner: Non-fiction challenge.

    So here are the long awaited judges scores and comments.
    Our winner this month is Sue C with her entry Tough Times.
    Congratulations sue and please find below all of our judges scores and comments:

    H.Brown Harpercole Moderan Overall
    Sue C 21 22 22 65
    Astroannie 14 20 20 54
    Pip 22 20 20 62
    Bobo 13 17 20 50

    H.Brown.

    Sue C: Tough Times.

    Spag: 4/5
    Tone + Voice: 4/5
    Message: 5/5
    Delivery: 8/10
    Overall: 21/25
    Comments: For the most part of your entry your paragraphs are kept short and snappy, however you lose this in the fifth paragraph, which for em affected the tone and voice of the entry as it interrupted the nice flow, which you return to afterwards. You also use sources in your entry to give your article more weight which I enjoyed, however I would not have chosen Wiki as a source because it is not reliable information, due to the fact that anyone can edit the information on the page. Overall I enjoyed reading your entry very much there is a clear and strong message that I feel would come across well to any reader.

    Astroannie: Food for thought.

    Spag: 3/5
    Tone + Voice: 2/5
    Message: 4/5
    Delivery: 5/10
    Overall: 14/25
    Comments: Astroannie there are some Spag issues that you are aware of and I feel that with another proof read you would have caught them all. I did enjoy reading your entry but to me it read more like a recipe book entry rather than an article or essay. It was informative and held a good pace throughout the reading which I liked and you showed me a different take on the prompt.

    Pip: the unofficial guide to driving in Portugal.

    Spag: 5/5
    Tone + voice: 4/5
    Message: 5/5
    Delivery: 8/10
    Overall: 22/25
    Comments: Pip I greatly enjoyed reading your entry, you have taken a unique view of the prompt and made it your own. Your entry is humorous while also being serious and you keep these two tones separate while also keeping the overall voice together in your writing. It was easy to read and held a fast pace.

    Bob: Troubled Times.

    Spag: 3/5
    Tone + voice: 2/5
    Message: 3/5
    Delivery: 5/10
    Overall:13/25
    Comments: Bobo i found your entry had quite a few Spag issues one of which being the line break within your first couple of lines, to me it read as though this had been unintentional and I feel that with another proof read you would have caught this. You also have a capitol letter missing and also in this line: "Tough ??" there is no need for the space between the word and punctuation. You also use what I believe to be an ellipsis, however this uses 3 dots not 2. i also felt that the formatting could use a little more work in this entry as you do not separate the paragraphs which would make it easier to read. However you use a brisk tone that does keep your reader, reading and you do attempt to convey a message to the reader which does come across. I did enjoy your take on the prompt.

    Moderan.

    SueC

    Tough Times

    SPaG - 5
    Voice and Tone - 5
    Message - 4
    Delivery - 8

    Total 22

    There's nothing wrong with the layout of this article, or the premise. The facts are laid out just so, but the too-matter-of-fact delivery loses some of the power inherent in the situation. Still very readable but not of the very highest rung. Still...as an editor, I might possibly accept it and work with the writer a little more to perfect it.

    Astroannie

    Food for thought

    SPaG - 4
    Voice and Tone - 4
    Message - 4
    Delivery - 8

    Total 20

    Quite a few spagnits to pick here. There's at least a punctuation error in each of the first three paragraphs, and awkward phrasing abounds. The apologetic tone puts me off. I'm a budget gourmand myself, and I don't apologize for being poor, nor am I sorry. I would have wanted actual recipes. And pictures. And smellavision if possible.

    PiP

    The Unofficial Guide to Driving in Portugal

    SPaG - 4
    Voice and Tone - 4
    Message - 4
    Delivery - 8

    Total 20

    Comma usage is the culprit here. The first sentence needs one after 'stressful', and the second after 'last', and there are a few more. Picky, I know, but that's the job. I’ve just been editing a piece European-style (putting all of those ‘u’s in is exhausting). Otherwise, I have few issues...a friend of mine recently moved to Madeira from Helsinki a related a few of the same impressions. Good, not great. This would be best as voiceover for a video. I assume I’m banned now?

    Bobo

    Troubled Times

    SPaG - 4
    Voice and Tone - 4
    Message - 4
    Delivery - 8

    Total 20

    Doesn't entirely fit within the guidelines but also doesn't entirely fall without the guidelines. I enjoy ceaseless nitpicking over semantics (I'm an editor) and I could add a few riffs to this but in the end that matters not. This is my score, if one can be allowed such petite-bourgeios sentiment.


    Thanks for the interesting work.


    Harpercole.

    Tough Times
    by SueC


    SpaG 4/5

    Voice and Tone 4/5

    Message 5/5

    Delivery 9/10

    Overall 22/25

    Comments:

    Very strong – you write about current events with passion and clarity, using a consistent voice throughout. How we respond to tough times is always interesting, and a good interpretation of the topic.

    I’ve only really got a few nits to pick. The phrase, “irreplaceable family members” feels a little awkward, as there is no such thing as a replaceable one. Your title is the same as the topic – nothing exactly wrong with that, but creating your own title can add a bit of initial impact for the reader. In fact, the phrase “tough times” comes up perhaps too often – three times in the opening paragraph – and is sometimes italicized, sometimes not. It’s best to be consistent; I’d recommend not italicizing.

    An excellent debut in the competition, all in all.

    **********

    Food for thought
    by astroannie


    SpaG 4/5

    Voice and Tone 4/5

    Message 4/5

    Delivery 8/10

    Overall 20/25

    Comments:

    I don’t know much about cookery, so I’ll have to take it on trust that the particulars of your meal plan all make sense. As such, this is an interesting look into an area – and a challenge – that I’m not too familiar with. You go through the details meticulously, though perhaps a touch of humour might add extra life to the descriptions.

    I like that you bring up the need for weight loss near the start and then come back to it with the final line. Reading the piece, I was wondering how you could find a good way to finish it, and this was a creative solution.

    SpaG almost perfect as well. A couple of missing spaces (“Ifwe”, “saladin”) and one missing comma (“bacon baked beans and cornbread”) but otherwise perfect. The penultimate paragraph could use breaking up a bit – it’s currently one long sentence with three “and”s in it.

    But now you’ve made me hungry …

    **********

    The Unofficial Guide to Driving in Portugal
    by PiP


    SpaG 3/5

    Voice and Tone 5/5

    Message 4/5

    Delivery 8/10

    Overall 20/25

    Comments:

    That was rather fun – especially the bit at the end. Have you seen the Spielberg film “Duel”? It’s rather similar. You maintain an appropriately light tone throughout, while conveying the strange (to us) conventions of Portuguese driving clearly.

    A few nitpicks with the SpaG.



    • It seems that “bullseye” and “bull’s-eye” are both acceptable, but not “bulls-eye”.
    • For “driving a left-hand instead of a right hand drive car”, you use a hyphen for the left but not the right. Either is fine, but you need to be consistent.
    • Missing full stop at the end of the Psychic Powers paragraph.
    • This fragment feels a bit off: “whilst furiously flashing his lights and hand still on horn”. I’d suggest either putting a “with” after the “and”, or else replacing the “and” with a comma.


    Drive safely!

    **********

    Troubled Times
    by bobo


    SpaG 2/5

    Voice and Tone 4/5

    Message 4/5

    Delivery 7/10

    Overall 17/25

    Comments:

    An interesting take on the subject – you take on the meaning of the phrase straight on, before offering thoughts on the practical challenges of facing troubles. I’d have quite liked a final “summing up” sort of a paragraph, but some interesting ground is still covered.

    Some of the English used is a little awkward – perhaps you are used to French sentence constructions? For example, “it can be nature which initiates violently departures from unknown balances” - here, “violently initiates” is more natural English.

    There’s a few errors as well …



    • For “a synthetical notion as times”, it should probably be “such as”
    • “So, those unwanted things, initiated by others, coming hitting you, and forcing you to change your lifestyle – at least for a period - of course happens.” Here, “things” is plural, so the final word should be “happen”.
    • In “and may be the world”, “maybe” should all be one word.


    All in all, though, I enjoyed this very direct approach to the subject.

  2. #2
    congrats Sue and thanks judges.

    My takeaway is not to use Word because of the dropping spaces issue with LibreOffice (I never had this with Word in other challenges).
    I fixed many, many of them, but missed some.
    thisWomanCodes
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  3. #3
    Congrat's to Sue ! Well done, Sue, a well deserved win. A big thank you to the judges... yep, I am a comma terrorist.
    Last edited by PiP; November 12th, 2017 at 10:54 PM.
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  4. #4
    This was so much fun, and thanks to everyone for their vote of confidence. Recognizing that I am not a journalist makes this even more special. I followed the prompt and wrote about something that, to me, was troublesome. I'm so grate to all of you - I enjoyed each article that was written. You all did awesome work.

  5. #5
    Quote Originally Posted by astroannie View Post
    congrats Sue and thanks judges.

    My takeaway is not to use Word because of the dropping spaces issue with LibreOffice (I never had this with Word in other challenges).
    I fixed many, many of them, but missed some.
    I think you can get around the spaces issue by using the paste from Word button (Go Advanced then click the button with the blue W).

    HC

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