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Thread: Shoes with no Laces

  1. #1

    Shoes with no Laces

    Love is like buying your favorite pair
    of dress shoes with no laces
    and if love were a killer bee
    I’d be shopping for my favorite
    morgue instead,

    If love ever erupted
    I would be like a plant
    that has to endure volcanic ashes.

    After traveling the Egyptian desert
    if I found love in a bottle—
    I would not drink it.

    If I were riding a skateboard
    then tipped over
    I would meet the asphalt
    and truly know love.

    Love is like a bat flying down
    Central avenue in broad daylight

    Love is a serial killer forced
    to use his bare hands,
    because he forgot his utility belt
    he has gasoline without any matches.

    Yet, without love— I am left
    unfulfilled, miserable.

  2. #2
    Something other than utility belt for the serial killer. "he has gasoline without any matches." Should be "An arsonist with gasoline, but no matches." Also, with so much metaphor I also feel like the last line about the need for love should also be expressed in this way.

    Otherwise, very good. I often critique poems without liking them because the "like" means just that. I appreciated the contrast a clear vision in this poem. The improvements will all be in execution, the base is sound. Also, as a complete aside, my favorite shoes are slip-ons
    Nature is awesome.
    Translate this to Japanese
    syllables unchanged

  3. #3
    Quote Originally Posted by andrewclunn View Post
    Something other than utility belt for the serial killer. "he has gasoline without any matches." Should be "An arsonist with gasoline, but no matches." Also, with so much metaphor I also feel like the last line about the need for love should also be expressed in this way.

    Otherwise, very good. I often critique poems without liking them because the "like" means just that. I appreciated the contrast a clear vision in this poem. The improvements will all be in execution, the base is sound. Also, as a complete aside, my favorite shoes are slip-ons
    slip on shoes are nice, but thank you for the comments.


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  4. #4
    Your poem carries a strong message and the imagery you have used worked well.

    For me, every stanza deals with a different aspect of being in love - shoes without laces (precarious), covered with volcanic ash (lack of confidence), love in a bottle (suspicion), bat in broad daylight (strangeness), and the 4th and 6th stanzas (an overview of the power of love). I also like the capitulation expressed in the final two lines. Overall, I think this is one of the best poems you've posted here, Ricky. I enjoyed it a lot.
    Just starting out on the adventure of poetry? Why not try the Poetry Hill Challenge where you will receive one to one advice and suggestions for ways to work with your poem. Check it out here



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  5. #5
    The middle of the poem, in my opinion, is the strongest. I like the images in the third and sixth stanzas best; their strength lies in their clarity and the way they surprise the reader. The first stanza lost me a little, though, at the bit about the killer bee and the morgue, and I think the last line could use some beefing up. Otherwise, some great unconventional images that support a clear message.
    "So long is the way to the unknown, long is the way we have come. . ." ~ Turisas, Five Hundred and One

    "[An artist is] an idiot babbling through town. . .crying, 'Dreams, dreams for sale! Two for a kopek, two for a song; if you won't buy them, just take them for free!'" ~ Michael O' Brien,
    Sophia House

    Christ is risen from the dead,
    trampling on Death by death,
    And on those in the tombs,
    lavishing light.



  6. #6
    Quote Originally Posted by ArrowInTheBowOfTheLord View Post
    The middle of the poem, in my opinion, is the strongest. I like the images in the third and sixth stanzas best; their strength lies in their clarity and the way they surprise the reader. The first stanza lost me a little, though, at the bit about the killer bee and the morgue, and I think the last line could use some beefing up. Otherwise, some great unconventional images that support a clear message.
    Killer bees would sting you to death, so if love were killer bees I’d be dead.


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  7. #7
    I read 'love is like...' and was bracing myself but there's some decent images here. Not exactly sure I 'get it' but I can enjoy the originality.

    A couple of things...

    Similes tend not to work as well as direct metaphor, especially in poetry. There's just something grating about being told stuff 'is like' stuff. I'm not saying never use it but this is one of those poems where (1) You are focusing on a theme (love) that is rife with cliche and (2) It is a shorter, high impact piece.

    Love is like buying your favorite pair
    of dress shoes with no laces
    and if love were a killer bee
    I’d be shopping for my favorite
    morgue instead,

    Why not...

    Love is buying your favorite pair
    of dress shoes with no laces
    Or something like a killer bee
    Resulting in a shopping trip
    To find the perfect morgue


    I don't know, man. Again I don't really understand the actual point you're making (I tried, promise) which is obviously a handicap, so am mostly critiquing from a style standpoint. And as far as style goes while I like most of the images I don't know if it works. It reads rather like a jumble of quotes than it does a poem. Sorry if this comes across harshly.

  8. #8
    I like the idea. However, for me there were two issues.

    The first is that the various examples tend to jump around and while some do strike a chord, others don't convey as well. You start with shoes with no laces, and then jump to killer bees (how are you going to shop for your own morgue when dead?). Shoes with no laces works, a serial killer with a utility belt doesn't. Stick to one level which people can understand without becoming too fantastical. It has a feeling of juvenility because of the fractured approach. A stronger core with a more consistent theme would improve this.

    The second issue is that the imagery is generally weak and could be improved. You're telling us without involving us as readers. As such I find myself disagreeing with you about what 'love' is, because you've kept it cold and hard and boxed in. If we had more empathy with the condition, we'd more likely agree. If we agree, then you've won us over as readers!

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