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Thread: Sundown Sunday

  1. #1

    Sundown Sunday

    Dropping your shirt on the floor
    you entwine fingers in my hair
    expose my neck to your hunger
    and hold me tight against your desire
    you grew in our heated passion
    as complete lust curls
    my fingers around your pleasure
    intoxicating perfumed seduction
    is our forbidden afternoon aphrodisiac
    planted deep in my submission
    with my limbs wrapped around you
    we were oblivious to the setting sun
    Last edited by Firemajic; September 8th, 2017 at 03:45 PM.
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  2. #2
    WF Veteran midnightpoet's Avatar
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    And I thought the morning was cooling off! I can't see any problems, I suppose if I nitpick I wonder if his desire and his pleasure are the same (but that what good poems do, make you think). Anyway, I can certainly picture the action. One other thought, it seems more him than you (sometimes my thoughts are on the mark, other times they are over the left field fence).
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  3. #3
    Quote Originally Posted by midnightpoet View Post
    And I thought the morning was cooling off! I can't see any problems, I suppose if I nitpick I wonder if his desire and his pleasure are the same (but that what good poems do, make you think). Anyway, I can certainly picture the action. One other thought, it seems more him than you (sometimes my thoughts are on the mark, other times they are over the left field fence).

    His "desire" and his "pleasure" are two different names of his male anatomy ...
    and you nailed the message of this poem.. it IS all about him... his dominance and her submission... their passion... thank you for your sharp insight...
    Check out the exciting Poetry Hill Challenge!!

    If you are a writer, reach a reader
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    Author: Lynn Loschky



    Death leaves a heartache no one can heal,
    love leaves a memory no one can steal....
    Author unknown.

  4. #4
    Yep, no hiding the imagery here! I wrote something similar (okay, a little more crude) some years ago and I immediately recognised where this was going.

    Given that it's raw and single-sided, I question whether you need the lines:
    intoxicating perfumed seduction
    is our forbidden afternoon aphrodisiac

    I feel these add an implicit permission from you, thus negating the balance of power in the act. Lose those and it remo
    ves any doubt and keeps it dirty!

  5. #5
    Quote Originally Posted by Pete_C View Post
    Yep, no hiding the imagery here! I wrote something similar (okay, a little more crude) some years ago and I immediately recognised where this was going.

    Given that it's raw and single-sided, I question whether you need the lines:
    intoxicating perfumed seduction
    is our forbidden afternoon aphrodisiac

    I feel these add an implicit permission from you, thus negating the balance of power in the act. Lose those and it remo
    ves any doubt and keeps it dirty!

    Yeah... I agree... sorta... but she seduces with her act of submission...

    Thank you, Pete... it is always a pleasure to read your comments..
    Check out the exciting Poetry Hill Challenge!!

    If you are a writer, reach a reader
    If you are a fighter, teach a leader
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    If this has helped you, thank you, reader

    If you can read this, teach a thinker

    Author: Lynn Loschky



    Death leaves a heartache no one can heal,
    love leaves a memory no one can steal....
    Author unknown.

  6. #6
    I had an issue with those two lines for a different reasons. The complete lack of punctuation and capitalization made it less clear when a new line was a new statement or a continuation of the previous one until after reading it, which slightly broke up the flow. It's a nitpick because it's a strong piece, but I don't see that leaving out said punctuation adds anything.
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  7. #7
    My immediate thought was 'No punctuation', but then I thought, 'Well, that is an activity that tends not to be punctuated, in fact if it is it is usually a failure.'

    Those lines Pete singled out seemed separate to me as well, it is difficult to be explicit, but the rest, up to the last line, is directly about the activity, those two obliquely. It feels it would give the last line more clout if you were wrapped up in the physicality right up to it.
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  8. #8
    Just a few thoughts, Juls.


    Quote Originally Posted by Firemajic View Post
    Dropping your shirt on the floor
    you entwine fingers in my hair
    expose my neck to your hunger
    and hold me tight against your desire
    you grew
    in our heated passion--- this feels awkward to me, maybe cut the 'you' and change grew to grown with a comma?
    as complete lust curls
    my fingers around your pleasure
    intoxicating perfumed seduction-- feels like too many description's, here
    is our forbidden afternoon aphrodisiac ---
    planted deep in my submission
    with my limbs wrapped around you
    we were oblivious to the setting sun
    There is no life I know
    To compare with pure imagination.
    Living there you’ll be free
    If you truly wish to be.~ Willy Wonka

  9. #9
    Edited

    Dropping your shirt on the floor
    you entwine fingers in my hair
    expose my neck to your hunger
    and hold me tight against your desire
    as lust curls
    my fingers around your pleasure
    planted deep in my submission
    with my limbs wrapped around you
    we were oblivious to the setting sun

    Thanks everyone, I have edited this with the help of your fabulous critiques.... yeah... THIS is where I was trying to go...
    Check out the exciting Poetry Hill Challenge!!

    If you are a writer, reach a reader
    If you are a fighter, teach a leader
    If you are a lover, touch a leper
    If this has helped you, thank you, reader

    If you can read this, teach a thinker

    Author: Lynn Loschky



    Death leaves a heartache no one can heal,
    love leaves a memory no one can steal....
    Author unknown.

  10. #10
    Never heard it described like that before... I knew exactly what u meant.. and in the right order...
    .....aphrodisiac planted in my submission... intoxicating perfumed seduction....love it thank you

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