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Thread: August's Side-Trips scoring/Winner...

  1. #1
    Forum Moderator H.Brown's Avatar
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    August's Side-Trips scoring/Winner...

    Alright Folks August's challenge has ended...

    With only one entry this month we have our winner Hunting by W.Goepner. Congratulations.

    I believe that even though he has won our members can still add their scores for his piece and some comments as these challenges are here not only to be won but to also to help our entrants improve heir skills.

    So here are my scores:

    Message:4/5
    Delivery: 2/3

    Comments: As you already are aware there are some SPAG issues with your piece, however I was intrigued by the story that you have told. You capture the act of looking back very well that had me reading from line to line. I think that with a little more time this piece would have been a fantastic snap shot into your past. Thank you for sharing this past experience.

  2. #2
    WF Veteran W.Goepner's Avatar
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    Alright I will take it... BUT a win by Default is not a win... Thank you for letting me enter. I really should have looked at that one closer I messed up prity bad. Hope everyone who read it liked it despite my mess ups.

    And thanks for the comment H. Brown. I am glad you enjoyed the read.
    My friends and family call me Bill, you may also.

    When people meet people,
    Potential Strangers, Acquaintances, Friends.

    When dogs meet people,
    Potential Friends, Acquaintances, Strangers.

    I would rather be the Dog.

    It takes only,
    A second to meet,
    A moment to know,
    A Lifetime to forget.


    A word without thought can destroy.
    Please remember to think before you speak.

  3. #3
    WF Veteran W.Goepner's Avatar
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    Oh yes I am very happy I have a second badge! I finely have it YEEE!
    My friends and family call me Bill, you may also.

    When people meet people,
    Potential Strangers, Acquaintances, Friends.

    When dogs meet people,
    Potential Friends, Acquaintances, Strangers.

    I would rather be the Dog.

    It takes only,
    A second to meet,
    A moment to know,
    A Lifetime to forget.


    A word without thought can destroy.
    Please remember to think before you speak.

  4. #4
    Hey, congrats, Goep. That's one more literary badge than I have

    Nobody Expects the Spanish Inquisition! (Monty Python)

    Reporter: How did you find America?
    John Lennon: Turn left at Greenland (A Hard Day's Night)






  5. #5
    Congratulations, Bill. That was strongly evocative writing, and I do believe you'd have had a decent chance of winning even with more competition. Perhaps it was pride that kept your father from letting the rest of you look?

    Message 9/10
    Delivery 7/10

    There are some mistakes here, most of which are fairly self-explanatory.

    Quote Originally Posted by H.Brown View Post
    Hunting

    In my era, hunting was a annual pastime that provided food for the winter in our family of four. My father, a skinny German and a unusual thinker, would plan out our hunting trips the ["to"] our cabin an hour's drive from home.

    I had to be all of five I would say [I'd suggest putting commas before and after this bit, as there are natural pauses here when reading aloud] and my brother would have been eleven, about to turn twelve in January. We were piled in our old Studebaker pickup, my father driving myself in the middle and mom in the passenger seat, [this is known as a comma splice; you need to instead use a semi-colon before moving onto the clause about your brother, or else insert the word "while" to make it part of the same clause] my brother was standing watch in the back.

    We had barely crossed the creak and had ten or so yards before we made the main road. Across the way was a blackberry choked [I'd suggest a hyphen here ("blackberry-choked"), as the two words are functioning together as an adjective] stream and the hillside beyond. Don't recall who saw them first or that it matters, but my brother gave the alarm by patting the roof of the cab, and we look across the space ahead to see a trail of does descending the path.

    My father slowly eased out of the pickup and readied himself, leaning across the hood. It was not long as the buck followed his harem of does. We waited, as my father chose his moment to fire. From in the cab the report of his rifle was still loud and the small herd scattered, raising dust and leaving us blinded to [this is slightly unnatural English - I'd suggest "blinded, and unable to] view the results.

    When the dust settled, we saw nothing, not a deer insight ["in sight"] and nothing laying on the trail. My father was shocked and disgusted that he would miss a shot from such close range. So he went to look. Why he refused to allow all of us to look I will never know or figure out, but he didn't. When he returned to the pickup he was almost furious about missing his shot and refused to even consider we all take one more look. Instead he grumpily told us to load up and we went road hunting and drove around for hours. When we returned he even forbid us to look on our own, [again, a comma splice and this should be a semi-colon] with a threat of a whipping if we disobeyed, we complied.

    I don't believe we got a deer the season, and the following summer we took a small vacation to the cabin and smelled the results of my father's seeming missed shot. When he went to investigate he found the rotting remains of the buck he managed to kill. It walked into the blackberry bushes and lay down and died. Maybe, and there is no way to tell, But ["but"] maybe if there were four sets of eyes looking and a small boy to look under the bushes, just maybe we would have had venison to supplement our diet that winter.

    Too bad we will never know. I still look back on those days fondly yet with frustration. That was one of many things that contributes to me saying, “I will never be like my father.”
    I don't think I explained the comma splicing very well - there are websites out there that put it a lot more clearly than I did if you have a search around. It's a useful tool if you can master it, as it can make a piece read much more naturally.

    HC

  6. #6
    WF Veteran W.Goepner's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by HarperCole View Post
    Congratulations, Bill. That was strongly evocative writing, and I do believe you'd have had a decent chance of winning even with more competition. Perhaps it was pride that kept your father from letting the rest of you look?

    Message 9/10
    Delivery 7/10

    There are some mistakes here, most of which are fairly self-explanatory.



    I don't think I explained the comma splicing very well - there are websites out there that put it a lot more clearly than I did if you have a search around. It's a useful tool if you can master it, as it can make a piece read much more naturally.

    HC
    Oh Thank you for that praise Harper. Your comments and suggestions make me feel much better about my piece. Comma splicing, a very big issue I have had ever since grade school english. I just wish othershad tried also. Would have made it more... shall I say satisfying?

    Thanks again, everyone.
    My friends and family call me Bill, you may also.

    When people meet people,
    Potential Strangers, Acquaintances, Friends.

    When dogs meet people,
    Potential Friends, Acquaintances, Strangers.

    I would rather be the Dog.

    It takes only,
    A second to meet,
    A moment to know,
    A Lifetime to forget.


    A word without thought can destroy.
    Please remember to think before you speak.

  7. #7
    Real life has kept me pretty preoccupied this past month so I apologise for coming so late to the party.

    Anyway, although there was only one entry this month, I thought it was a fascinating anecdote that gave us a real glimpse into a way of life that not many will have experienced. I enjoyed reading it and it made me think and wonder about the father's motives for not allowing his children to help in the search. Stories like this, with a little puzzle at their heart, give the reader a lot more than the usual read. Suddenly, I came up with a reason for your father's behaviour, Bill. I'm no expert on hunting but I imagine that a wounded stag would be a pretty dangerous animal and no father would want his children out searching for it in case they were attacked. Could that be the reason and why he warned you not to go back to search alone?

    There were a few issues with grammar but nothing that stopped me from understanding the story perfectly.

    So to my scores.

    Message 9/10
    Delivery 6/10

    Thanks for an interesting read!
    Life makes more sense if you don't take it personally.

    My Poems




  8. #8
    WF Veteran W.Goepner's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by jenthepen View Post
    Real life has kept me pretty preoccupied this past month so I apologise for coming so late to the party.

    Anyway, although there was only one entry this month, I thought it was a fascinating anecdote that gave us a real glimpse into a way of life that not many will have experienced. I enjoyed reading it and it made me think and wonder about the father's motives for not allowing his children to help in the search. Stories like this, with a little puzzle at their heart, give the reader a lot more than the usual read. Suddenly, I came up with a reason for your father's behaviour, Bill. I'm no expert on hunting but I imagine that a wounded stag would be a pretty dangerous animal and no father would want his children out searching for it in case they were attacked. Could that be the reason and why he warned you not to go back to search alone?

    There were a few issues with grammar but nothing that stopped me from understanding the story perfectly.

    So to my scores.

    Message 9/10
    Delivery 6/10

    Thanks for an interesting read!
    Thank you Jen...

    Just the fact you choose to comment and score it makes me feel it was worth my trying. Also it make the bade a bit more real than given, Thank you again.

    There are many unspoken reasons My father decided to not let us look, that I can speculate. Yes the possibility of a wounded stag could be one. See my father never saw fit to say what or why. So I only can form my opinion as all you have.
    My friends and family call me Bill, you may also.

    When people meet people,
    Potential Strangers, Acquaintances, Friends.

    When dogs meet people,
    Potential Friends, Acquaintances, Strangers.

    I would rather be the Dog.

    It takes only,
    A second to meet,
    A moment to know,
    A Lifetime to forget.


    A word without thought can destroy.
    Please remember to think before you speak.

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