"New World", Prologue - Page 4


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Thread: "New World", Prologue

  1. #31
    WF Veteran H.Brown's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by max acorn View Post
    I popped onto the streets of New York City on a late summer night.
    Great start but the end of the sentence reads a bit awkwardly to me how about something like this: Late one summers night I popped onto the streets of New York? Is there something special about this day/time? What was the weather like? The sounds, smells, tastes? All these things bring a scene to life before the action truly begins.

    Quote Originally Posted by max acorn View Post
    Some people would call what I do teleporting. I don't particularly like that term. It lacked personality. That's why prefer my own term for it: Popping. From what people have said, that's the sound that accompanies me when I appear in a place. A nice pleasant pop. I do enjoy popping. It's a faster and neater than most modes of travel. Certainly better than space fold, which requires a insane amount of equipment and planning and a second brain for the bigger calculations. And less said about how the giant roaches of Brixis II get around, the better.
    ('teleporting' is not a word that is in the dictionary.)

    Quote Originally Posted by max acorn View Post
    But I digress.

    Like I said, I popped on to the streets of New York. The night was a bit on the hot side but a nice drizzle of rain kept it at bay. I opened my umbrella over my head. I wasn't going to get sick anytime soon but you know. Old habits and all. I pulled out my pocket watch and snapped it open. As a immortal being who can freely travese time and space, it's very important to get the times right.
    For me you take too long to get to this point. It still feels like you are trying to present facts in an orderly fashion while trying to write prose, relax and feel the scene you are creating for example this whole scene could be condensed: Popping into existence on the streets of New York that late summers night, I could feel the heat from the day battling with the cold raindrops that hit my cheeks. Opening up my umbrella I consider my favourite mode of transport 'Popping' or as mortals refer to it teleportation. I can move instantly from one moment to another, with only a small pop announcing my arrival, or so I've been told. And it is much better than folding space for that requires far too much equiptment, time, planing and a second brain for calculations. No Popping is much neater and just better. But alas I digress.

    Snapping open my pocket watch I check to make sure I've arrived on time as being an immortal that hops freely through time...

    'traverse'

    I like the ideas that you present in this opening however I still feel it needs a lot of tightening up to improve the flow and the immersion into what is happening. The aim of any story is to keep your reader hooked from beginning to end. Are you attempting to break the forth wall in this prologue as your Narrative Voice(NV) speaks to the reader, whilst this is a good plot device that when used well can enhance the writing I don't think it is needed within your prologue. Also ask yourself what is the importance of this prologue? Is it to show history? Is it to introduce the characters? Is it introduce into the plot? Could it not be integrated into the plot or opening chapter?

    I do enjoy the concept that you have put forward and do believe that with more work this could be great. Watch your spelling as I have noticed quite a few dotted about. But keep going I would like to read this story.
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  2. #32
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    This piece seems more like notes a writer makes for her/him self before telling the story. A prologue should be concise and contain only vital backstory that cannot be woven into the fabric of the story. It should also follow the rules of good fiction writing - show, don't tell. As written it reads like a slow moving opening of chapter one.

    Other commenters obviously like this one, but, perhaps, an experiment would show how it can be improved. Distill the work by removing all the sentences that describe and/or explain something or which don't move the story forward. Don't tell, show:

    Welcome to a new world where anything is possible.
    No backstory, so not a prologue, but a dandy opening to chapter one.

  3. #33
    Hi Max,

    I am overlooking the grammar and spelling issues per your comment that this is a first draft, however I will say (since it may not be picked up on otherwise) that your sentences are generally far too long. Some impact is being lost by a word-overload. Short sentences = impact. In general.

    The other thing, and it may sound nitpicky, that I would suggest reviewing is your frequent use of isolated sentences (have never known if there is an actual term for these - but basically sentences that are separated from paragraph blocks). I use these also but they should be kept very minimal to preserve impact. Having 2, 3 or more simultaneously is a drain.

    As far as the narrative, I do not feel much of a 'voice' here and I f-ing hate saying that because I know its an infuriating thing to hear but I feel it would be a common opinion for any reader. It reads more like an essay. That is one thing if you are breaking serious new ground in terms of your themes and ideas but for the most part you are not. There is a real cocktail of various sci-fi/fantasy tropes here ( too many, imo) and while I would never object to good ideas being reused I would suggest you focus more on character here in order to avoid this being another generic bore-fest.

    The good part is your ideas seem fairly cohesive and the world is clearly thought out enough that even a minimal investment in character and plot would probably be enough to make it stick. Though, of course, I would never encourage a minimal investment in character or plot

  4. #34
    Interesting intro. If the rest of the story is more active and less explaining it will be OK!

  5. #35
    Member Bardling's Avatar
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    It is an interesting prologue, but it feels too abstract. It is all exposition, an information dump, with no characters or present action.

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