"New World", Prologue - Page 3

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Thread: "New World", Prologue

  1. #21
    If you really must have a prologue, you could greatly trim the word count. Many readers don't read them. I can see many instances where fewer words could be used - and the impact would be greater.
    If two thirds of the moon were to be lost in so short a time, the likelihood is that life on Earth wouldn't survive, except perhaps for microbial or small, deep-sea life. But this is fiction/fantasy so we can put that aside.
    On the whole though, I like the concept.


  2. #22
    might have to take some time off from writing.

    still recovering from hurricane harvey

  3. #23
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    I'm not completely against prologues but I think some of these comments are things you should think about. Terry D, in particular, gets it right. As written, no one cares about the world or the unbound being. You say you want to use this prologue to introduce this being but you really don't and maybe you could give some of your history and really introduce this being. You have him say who he (she?) is but we don't get a feel for him and don't care about him. As he relates this history, could he relate it as if he were there. Can he say how he feels about it. If he is unbound, can he move through time to witness and while watching, say how much it pains him to see humans destroyed or maybe how proud he is to see his vampire ancestors rise? Maybe he can express his disdain for all of it, how all these petty creatures think they are so important...

    Your narrator needs to engage your readers. Why is he telling this story? What is his viewpoint? Is his viewpoint the same as yours, the authors? As much as possible, show, don't tell and give us some emotional reason we want to continue reading.

    Good luck with your recovery. I'm sure I speak for all of us when I say our hearts go out to the victims of what you just lived through.

    Bill CK
    Only the curious have something to find. --Nickel Creek

  4. #24
    i hammered this out between helping with my aunt's house. it's still a pile of sand. not yet a sandcastle.


    I popped on to the street.



    Yes. I think that is a accurate description of my preferred method of travel: popping. I just end up wherever and whenever I want or need to be.
    How do it do it? It's a rather long and tedious explanation about temperal mechanics and spacial transfiguration. I don't think you would be interested in that.

    Am I human? Hmmmm. I honestly don't know anymore. I WAS human a long time ago. Then that.........thing happened and now i'm here. I think I am immortal. I mean, I don't age. I don't need to eat or sleep or breath. I've never been sick since i've been this way. So yes. Maybe I am immortal. I'll have to see how immortal I am. Maybe throw myself into a supernova. That should be fun.

    But I digress.

    I popped onto the street. New york to be exact.

    I checked my pocket watch for the time: August 15, 1047 NW.

    Right in the early reign of the Grand Vampiric Empire. Ahh, I do love this particular era of earth. So much possiblity. So much change. Makes my bones tingle.

    It was drizzling a bit, so I opened my umbrella. It was nighttime and nighttime in the empire was always fun. Seeing elves ride around in their expense cars. Leperchuns getting to work with their ladies of the night. Dwarves burning the midnight oil on some construction project. Various races going to and fro, keeping themselves busy. So much activity to see and experience.


    I use think the “Golden Age” of earth was interesting, what with its technological advancements and social changes. But honestly, it was kind of boring. Nothing to keep my attention for long. That is until that event: when the moon kind of exploded. It was a scary time. The whole world got ruin from that. I peeked out from under my umbrella and caught sight of the cracked half moon. Even after a thousand since it happened, it's a strange sight to me.

    Then there was whole “Chaotic Century” mess. Everyone fighting everyone else over everything for every reasons. It was a.......bloody time, even without that virus that nearly killed all of humanity. I don't like visiting it too much.

    Now why am I here? Simple. To read. Not a book or magazine but rather a person. You see, when you are a immortal being who can freely move about time and space, you bored easily. So you have two options: either find something to occupy yours time or go insane. And i've been insane before. It was.........fun for the first couple of millennia, then I got bored of it. So I went sane. Super sane.

    And when I say i'm reading someone, I mean reading their lives: from their birth to their death. Seeing the highs, the lows, the in-betweens, the loves, the tragedies and all the stuff left over. I've done this many times over the years.

    I liked abraham lincoln's life. Very intriguing about someone who had such a poor self view of himself and yet so venerated after his death.

    Then there was alexander the great. A short read but still very epic.

    The last person who I read from this era was St. Sebastian, the first sovergin pope of the Protectorate of Vatican. Strong man. High moral compass. And a hard drinker. Had a drink with him once. Drunk me under the table.

    Now..........who to read? Hmmmm. I could go for The Master. Hmmm not for millitary drama.

    How about Alxxel Fixx, the innovator of magi-tek? Hmmmm a bit too boring.

    I could do the dragonking of khan! No, wait! He doesn't like me very much.

    Oh wait. Yes. Yes! I could read HIS life. I've been interested in his life for quite a while. And his office isn't that far from here. Oh this will be fun reading.

    I popped over to his office in downtown New york. The lights were off. Guess he's not home.

    I popped over to his apartment. Empty.

    I rechecked my pocket watch. Then it hit me. He wasn't here at this time. He was on the other coast. Good. I think this is when his life starts getting interesting. I popped out and was on my way towards Los Angeles.

    As I traveled though the subspace background, I can't help but smile. I love this era. So full of possibility and wonder and excitement.

    I enjoy this time. This age. This..........New World. Why?

    Because in the New World, everything is possible.

  5. #25
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    Okay, now i really want to read the rest of the story!
    Only the curious have something to find. --Nickel Creek

  6. #26
    if i can get this prologue down, i'll post the first chapter in another thread.

  7. #27
    When I first read your original prologue I was having problems with it seeming like just an “info dump” to set up the background story. Like many of the comments have said, it is not really a good thing to do.

    Your second prologue gives a bit more intrigue into what this being is about and how it relates to the story. The little snippets of info about the chaos/changes of the world provide the reader with just enough information about the background story to peak interest. The possibility then exists to give more details throughout the story and to allow the reader to imagine how the world has changed.

    I think you have the beginnings of something here but the second prologue needs more editing.

    Good luck and good job!

  8. #28
    Quote Originally Posted by Roac View Post
    When I first read your original prologue I was having problems with it seeming like just an “info dump” to set up the background story. Like many of the comments have said, it is not really a good thing to do.

    Your second prologue gives a bit more intrigue into what this being is about and how it relates to the story. The little snippets of info about the chaos/changes of the world provide the reader with just enough information about the background story to peak interest. The possibility then exists to give more details throughout the story and to allow the reader to imagine how the world has changed.

    I think you have the beginnings of something here but the second prologue needs more editing.

    Good luck and good job!
    thanks. like i said, it's just something i hammered out, like dumping a pile of sand on a playground. it's damn sure not the final produce. needs more time before it's a sandcastle.

  9. #29
    second version of the new prologue.

    I popped onto the streets of New York City on a late summer night.

    Some people would call what I do teleporting. I don't particularly like that term. It lacked personality. That's why prefer my own term for it: Popping. From what people have said, that's the sound that accompanies me when I appear in a place. A nice pleasant pop. I do enjoy popping. It's a faster and neater than most modes of travel. Certainly better than space fold, which requires a insane amount of equipment and planning and a second brain for the bigger calculations. And less said about how the giant roaches of Brixis II get around, the better.

    But I digress.

    Like I said, I popped on to the streets of New York. The night was a bit on the hot side but a nice drizzle of rain kept it at bay. I opened my umbrella over my head. I wasn't going to get sick anytime soon but you know. Old habits and all. I pulled out my pocket watch and snapped it open. As a immortal being who can freely travese time and space, it's very important to get the times right.

    August 2, 1047 NW.

    Right smack dab in the reign of the Grand Vampiric Empire.

    Oh I do love this time period. Some would say that the “Golden Age” might be a better one but not for me. For me, it is THIS age. Why? Well, just take a look around.

    The buildings are mix of old and new. The older building could be at nearly 1000 years old. They are relics of a age long since passed. Their simple archecture shows finger prints of human design. Some are still quite livable but not the level they once were. Towering over them is the current skyline, with it's imposing gray-blue colors and sleek contours. But not so big as to obstruct the view of the night sky, stars and the cracked quarter moon. This was a signature of elven architecture. And at the bottoms, along the sides, are the telltale marks of the dwarfs who built these buildings. To a untrained eye, it would seem as nothing is out of the ordinary but to someone like me who frequents this time a lot, they might as well as signed their names on it.

    I pass by a pair of lycan officers of the IPD, seated and enjoying some nice chupacabra sandwiches, made fresh by a gnome who runs the stand near by. I can see him greasing up the griddle for the night rush. Chupacabra is a very popular street food but only if it's cooked right. And this gnome was a master of this art.

    Across the street, I caught sight of a trio of succubi leaving their apartment and preparing to go to work in the oldest trade in the world. Not that I know anything about that. I just happen to know this group of girls. Very nice young ladies.

    I stopped at the corner of the street, waiting for the light the change so that I may cross. The air was clean, lacking the lingering odor of fossil fuels and gasoline that died out more than 8 centuries ago. The subtle humming of the dozens of ether drives that were now common in vehicles, both large and small, was the background music of this age. Certainly much better than the loud rumblings of the internal combustion engines of old.

    The light turned green. I walked across the street, barely catching sight of a troop of roof-runners, sliding down from the rooftops to street level and heading into a store. They were probably getting some refreshments.

    I was nearly hit by a Yeti and his dwarf wife walking out of fancy resturant run by a rather personable vampire. He had her on his shoulder, smiling confidently about his beloved.

    Such sights you will only see here.

    Now, what am I doing here? Well, it has something to with my hobby. Well what kind of hobby does a being such as I would have? Simple. I read. Not books or magazines or comics. no. I read people. I read their lives: their births. Their deaths. Their strengths. Their weaknesses. The good times. The bad times. The in-between times. The highs. The lows. The mids. The boring bits. The exciting bits. All of it! Reading a person's life is more enjoyable than any book you can imagine.

    Now, the question becomes who to read? Hmmmmm. Well, I have read quite a number of interesting people before.

    Abraham lincoln was one of my earlier reads. Very intriguing. Ironic that a man with such a low self image would be almost deified by later generations.

    Alexander The Great was another good one. Kind of short but riveting. Seeing a human with such.......ambition was marvelous.

    I think the last person I read from this era was St. Sebastian, the first soverign pope of the Protectorate of Vatican. Now there was a visionary. A man who was so concerned about mankind's future and very forward thinking.

    Huh. I think I have a idea of who to read now.

    Lucius Caine. Yes. I've been meaning read him. Especially with things that are about to happen. You see.........oh no! I can't do that. No spoilers. We'll find out about him together.

    So where is he? If I remember correct, he and his crew should be on the other coast. Los angles I believe.

    So if he's there, then why am I here? Simple: to buy a burndog. You can't just start reading a life on a empty stomach. And one of the best are here, partically at this little stand on 34th street and Riker.

    Ahhh it does smell good. You can smell the texas spice.

    With burndog in hand, I popped out of the street and once again found myself in the rainbow kaleidoscope of the inter-dimensional backspace. As I navigated my way to the proper time/space location, I am reminded again why I love this........new world.

    Things that would be considered improbable, inconceivable and impossible are as common as walking down the street or putting on your shoes.

    Why? Because THIS is the new world. And in the new world, everything is possible.

  10. #30
    ^^^ Better.

    It might be time to move over to the prose workshop. This section is visible to the general public and counts as published. Something to keep in mind.

    I have my doubts about futuristic beings with species names from the past. Yeti and vampire carry with them specific details, like avoiding the light, or whatever. If you give them different names, but say how they are like the old mythological creatures, that would give you more freedom. Something to consider.

    I like how you reference the cracked moon without getting into the details of what happened. Well done.

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