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Thread: Blood of My Blood

  1. #1

    Blood of My Blood

    Blood of My Blood
    By Yonathan Asefaw

    Her eyes saw the blowing sands that whisked around like hanged laundry in the wind. Isis came walking along the Sahara with a divination in the night sky last night. Her eyes started to bleed when seeing the stars forming a deity; a man in a robe of her very same garment and Grey embroidery to find that her world was beginning to be an enlightenment for her being.

    Her full name was Isis Andromeda Cleopatra, she was a human of flesh, bone, and blood but was loved by her people as a goddess in her village. She desired frivolously to became one with a god that she called “Blood of My Blood” as this god made her eyes bleed when seeing its golden constellations in the open sky.

    Andromeda winced and felt the earth sway with the sands that shifted its wind around in dust among her, blinking to find that this hour walking in the dessert during the unloosened sun was taking its course on her body. She was thin and without food or water it became hopeless to find the “Blood” god to make a pact with her soul; pure as water.

    “Must make it through, blood of my blood help me, I am-yours!” she said.

    Her stomach churned and ‘grrrred’ in sounds, she shifted her almond eyes around the caramel sands that curved in its stretch along Egypt. A cobra was around her, she noticed it with full concentration willing to pounce and grab it to devour it whole. She was hungry and needed to survive, as for water she had to wait for her intestines to deviate and would have to drink her own urine. That was her only alternative.

    She sat there with nothing but the winds of the Arabian night to take its course as day would break.

    ***

    Night settled in and her time to wander the fields became even more hopeless as she sat there trying to make excuses in her head to sleep. She just could not.

    All I want is to be..

    She lost her train of thought and slumbered.

    The next day she woke up flinching and move her hands covered in sand being untouched by the poisonous snakes but feeling groggy after cleansing herself with urine and drinking it to keep herself at thirst. Walking a couple more hours along the path to Alexandria accidentally she found herself in a city: a port-town filled with bustling bazaars and people all around chatting and filling their bellies with fish.

    She came around to an outskirt of town to an abandoned house trying to get away from all of the people to the east and used her intuition to seek out a man or at least her to instincts a feeling of a presence in her way. Isis heard boos and was thrown fish oil at her from outside the persons house due to her clothes that she wore.

    She gave a knock on the door.

    Looking straight down when she saw the man in his tattered clothes; with a tattoo of a god that was never real. She noticed it and focused her attention at the white house with only two windows without any ceramic detail to it. She waved and hugged him while heading inside the living room to discuss her travels to a complete stranger that had let her in to begin with.

    “Cleopatra, is that correct?” said the tattered man.

    “I saw something in your tattoo, what does it signify?”

    “You don’t know? God is not real nor is he a divination.”

    “I’ve traveled far away to find one, in fact I bled from my eyes of his presence.”

    “Blood of my blood?”

    He raised a brow and chuckled.

    “Care for a drink? Wine?”

    “I drink my own urine, a thousand gratitude's.”

    “You look like someone who does.”

    She held his hand with raised concern and whispered.

    “You laugh like he isn’t real, how dare you.”

    He chuckled.

    “You whisper like a believer too.”

    “Why do you do this?”

    “In my nature, I was like you, a broken man, not a woman delightfully.”

    “You have a mouth.”

    He got up and gave her a bet while walking to the door.

    “I will bet you your Grey silks that people who believe in god will be thrown fish oil and booed throughout the way out of Alexandria.”

    “The Blood is real.” she replied.

    “Just leave and let it speak for itself.”

    Isis left the man’s Greek house and walked out of the edifice with people starting to swarm and boo with fish oil thrown at her.

    He was right, god was never real. she thought.

    While walking along in the shame that she had felt, the people prolonged to insult and boo at her and toss more fish oil at her when heading out of the port-city. She had no choice but to walk back to her home and speak to her people about the ignorance she had caused herself but there something about dying that she must do to perverse the pain that she purged herself with. Leaving in death soporifically the Nile river was the best tactic to die an unshapely death.

    She saw the river across from her view running and sparkling in the sun as she dived right in drowning herself and with that she perished floating along the river to find her family seeing her in the phantoms of her mortality gone.

    Years later the water in the Nile river flowed with blood and the family never had to bear the death of her daughter Isis Andromeda Cleopatra.
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  2. #2
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    Quote Originally Posted by CrimsonAngel223 View Post
    Blood of My Blood
    By Yonathan Asefaw

    I like your title it is intriging and made me want to read your story which is a good start Yonathan.

    (Whose eyes?)Her eyes saw the blowing sand(s) that whisked around like hanged laundry in the wind. Isis came walking along the Sahara with a divination in the night sky last night. Her eyes started to bleed when seeing the stars forming a deity; a man in a robe of her very same garment and Grey embroidery to find that her world was beginning to be an enlightenment for her being.


    Here your writing becomes disjointed as it seems that you jump from one scene to another without taking the time to set it up properly. I would slow down your pace as you leave the reader confused. What does she find? Why do her eyes bleed from viewing this figure in the stars? There are no normal rules in this section and you haven't established any for the reader to follow which to me detracts from the writing.

    Quote Originally Posted by CrimsonAngel223 View Post
    Her full name was Isis Andromeda Cleopatra, she was a human of flesh, bone, and blood but was loved by her people as a goddess in her village. She desired frivolously to became one with a god that she called “Blood of My Blood” as this god made her eyes bleed when seeing its golden constellations in the open sky.
    I would lead with this rather than the above section as it introduces the character and who she is to the reader giving us someone to connect with rather than a disembodied voice. You repeat yourself in this section with her eyes bleeding, another reason I would start here.

    Quote Originally Posted by CrimsonAngel223 View Post
    Andromeda winced and felt the earth sway with the sands that shifted its wind around in dust among her, blinking to find that this hour walking in the dessert during the unloosened sun was taking its course on her body. She was thin (and) without food or water. Without these it became hopeless to find the “Blood” god to make a pact with her soul; pure as water.
    I thought she was called Isis? You need to establish that she goes by her second name before springing it on the reader.

    Quote Originally Posted by CrimsonAngel223 View Post
    “Must make it through, blood of my blood help me, I am-yours!” she said.
    Who is she calling to I thought she had not met the blood God yet? Why is her blood pure as water, be careful with using such cliched uses of words as sometimes it can detract from the writing.

    Quote Originally Posted by CrimsonAngel223 View Post
    Her stomach churned and ‘grrrred’ (in sounds), she shifted her almond eyes around the caramel sands that curved in its stretch along Egypt. A cobra was around her, she noticed its (with) full concentration willing to pounce and grab it to devour it whole. She was hungry and needed to survive, as for water she'd to wait for her intestines to deviate and would have to drink her own urine. That was her only alternative.

    We already know it is a sound no need for the added words. I like the image of her eyes here. Delete the word with here and I think the sentence will read better. I removed the word would as it helps the overall flow in my opinion. Deviate? Why would her intestines do this? Remember simple words are just as effective. This last prt made me cringe which is good as it shows your writing is getting a response out of the reader.


    Quote Originally Posted by CrimsonAngel223 View Post
    She sat there with nothing but the winds of the Arabian night to take its course as daywould break.
    I like this line but I think it would read better like this: She sat there looking into the night, with nothing but the harsh wind of the Arabian night, as she waited for day to break.

    Quote Originally Posted by CrimsonAngel223 View Post
    ***

    Night settled in and her time to wander the fields became even more hopeless as she sat there trying to make excuses in her head to sleep. She just could not.
    Why the sudden shift in location? One minute we seem to be in a desert now we are in a place with fields, this is confusing. And the end of this senence I would change to: She just Couldn't as it fits with the pace you establish before.

    Quote Originally Posted by CrimsonAngel223 View Post
    All I want is to be..

    She lost her train of thought and slumbered.

    The next day she woke up flinching and moved her hands covered in sand being untouched by the poisonous snakes but feeling groggy after cleansing herself with urine and drinking it to keep herself at thirst. Walking a couple more hours along the path to Alexandria accidentally she found herself in a city: a port-town filled with bustling bazaars and people all around chatting and filling their bellies with fish.
    Again another switch in location it is disconcerting to the reader as just when we get comfortable with a setting and expect the story to take us somewhere the scenary changes unexpectedly. Why? Are all these locations necessary? I don't think so, I feel that it would be a much better piece if the setting remained the same.

    Quote Originally Posted by CrimsonAngel223 View Post
    She came around to an outskirt of town to an abandoned house trying to get away from all of the people to the east and used her intuition to seek out a man or at least her to instincts a feeling of a presence in her way. Isis heard boos and was thrown fish oil at her from outside the persons house due to her clothes that she wore.

    She gave a knock on the door.

    Looking straight down when she saw the man in his tattered clothes; with a tattoo of a god that was never real. She noticed it and focused her attention at the white house with only two windows without any ceramic detail to it. She waved and hugged him while heading inside the living room to discuss her travels to a complete stranger that had let her in to begin with.

    “Cleopatra, is that correct?” said the tattered man.

    “I saw something in your tattoo, what does it signify?”

    “You don’t know? God is not real nor is he a divination.”

    “I’ve traveled far away to find one, in fact I bled from my eyes of his presence.”

    “Blood of my blood?”

    He raised a brow and chuckled.

    “Care for a drink? Wine?”

    “I drink my own urine, a thousand gratitude's.”

    “You look like someone who does.”

    She held his hand with raised concern and whispered.

    “You laugh like he isn’t real, how dare you.”

    He chuckled.

    “You whisper like a believer too.”

    “Why do you do this?”

    “In my nature, I was like you, a broken man, not a woman delightfully.”

    “You have a mouth.”

    He got up and gave her a bet while walking to the door.

    “I will bet you your Grey silks that people who believe in god will be thrown fish oil and booed throughout the way out of Alexandria.”

    “The Blood is real.” she replied.

    “Just leave and let it speak for itself.”

    Isis left the man’s Greek house and walked out of the edifice with people starting to swarm and boo with fish oil thrown at her.

    He was right, god was never real. she thought.

    While walking along in the shame that she had felt, the people prolonged to insult and boo at her and toss more fish oil at her when heading out of the port-city. She had no choice but to walk back to her home and speak to her people about the ignorance she had caused herself but there something about dying that she must do to perverse the pain that she purged herself with. Leaving in death soporifically the Nile river was the best tactic to die an unshapely death.

    She saw the river across from her view running and sparkling in the sun as she dived right in drowning herself and with that she perished floating along the river to find her family seeing her in the phantoms of her mortality gone.

    Years later the water in the Nile river flowed with blood and the family never had to bear the death of her daughter Isis Andromeda Cleopatra.

    Yonathan, I feel that with more work this could be an amazing piece of writing you draw upon some nice imagery but then confuse the reader wih suden shifts in both character name and setting which detract from the overall tone that you set up. Please redraft this and re-post it as I think i could be great.

  3. #3
    Sure will. Thanks for your critique.
    https://yonathanasefaw.wordpress.com/
    twitter.com/yonathanasefaw

  4. #4
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    It's seems really wordy. I tend to have the same issue in my writing. Words have more impact when they are concise. If you take the shears to this thing I bet you would like it much more.

  5. #5
    Greetings!

    As I read your piece I felt much the same as the fine people who posted above me. That said I would like to point out something that I don't think was mentioned, and that is I have a small issue (I mean small XD). Her name is a little on the nose for me. With a small amount of research I think it could be improved to something more natural sounding. If you have a particular attachment to any one (or two lol) of her names then pick that one, and then choose something a little more fitting for the region/time frame the story is set in. Your story seem to fall into historical fantasy, being as it's set in a real locations, and depending on the era her name could/should (my opinion XD) reflect the culture surrounding her in Egypt (Arabic, Persian, Macedonian, Roman, Pharonic Egyptian, Etc.)

    Other then that I do like the themes you are playing with here. Namely faith, and how it is punished and/or rewarded. Expanding on those will only help service your story. One piece of confusion on my part was where you refer to her as a god (more precisely that her village treats her as such), and then later you state that she is mortal. I think it would be more fitting if she was only mortal, but still highly regarded by her village. Then later let her let her earn her godhood.

    Lastly I would keep a closer eye on your geography. Where is her village? Where is she in relation to it? How far has she traveled? How long has she been wandering in the desert? Remember that even though you may see/know these things in your head we as readers don't. One of my favorites at the geography of a scene is Dean Koontz. He never leaves any doubt as to where someone is in relation to someone or something else.

    Thanks for sharing!
    SRB.

  6. #6
    I like this. Just a few issues.

    - The title. Its not bad, but waaaaay too close to Game of Thrones. At first I was expecting fan fiction or a copycat (and was pleasantly surprised!)

    - There are some tendencies for repetitiveness and 'flogging the dead horse' at least in the first three paragraphs. You keep describing the sand, and not necessarily in a way that is interesting. If you're going to describe mundane, commonly known pieces of geography it has to be interesting and minimal. I know what sand looks like, and I certainly knew after the first line. I do not need to be reminded it is there unless its somehow important to the message (and it isn't really)

    - Not a fan of the name as mentioned. It smacks of lack of imagination - Cleopatra, seriously? Why not find an authentic Moorish/Berber/Egyptian name? You name a character Cleopatra or Isis and it eliminates any ability for me, the reader, not to picture THAT Cleopatra or THAT Isis. Even Andromeda is not original.

    - This could be edited down and be much more powerful. "In the night sky last night" is obviously redundant, but look at other things. Use only enough words to say what needs to be said in the way it must be said. If you cannot justify the use of the sentence in court, kill it.

    - Last but most strikingly (for me, anyway) I really hate over-use of "She saw" and others. A lot of this piece is really 'tell' when it should be show. What I object to most about writers constantly using "he felt", "he saw", "he thought" is that it always seems to me to be a little nervous, like they're afraid to state things as fact. In actuality, since this is your piece and your world, whatever you write is a fact and by constantly qualifying things as objective it weakens the statement. For example: "She saw the river across from her view running and sparkling in the sun as she dived right in drowning herself and with that she perished floating along the river to find her family seeing her in the phantoms of her mortality gone." could be a really good sentence (with editing - too wordy) but when you start it off as 'she saw the river' instead of "the river was" it only serves to remind the reader that this is *just* a story. The whole point of fantasy is to offer an escape.

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