View Poll Results: Please vote for as many poems you feel are deserving.

Voters
16. You may not vote on this poll
  • Nor Any Drop to Drink by ArrowInTheBowOfTheLord

    3 18.75%
  • A Coward's Solution for Unpleasant Recollections by Chester's Daughter

    3 18.75%
  • The Beach Between Chapters by andrewclunn

    1 6.25%
  • Sandstorm by midnightpoet

    9 56.25%
  • The Sands of Tide: Song of the Lamb by Darkkin

    2 12.50%
  • The Great Sand Dunes (Haiku) by Nellie

    2 12.50%
  • Whodunnit by Phil Istine

    3 18.75%
  • Toe and Cheeks by The Fantastical

    1 6.25%
  • Burned Beyond Recognition by sas

    4 25.00%
  • Untitled by astroannie

    3 18.75%
  • astroannie by escorial

    1 6.25%
  • Faith by PiP

    7 43.75%
Multiple Choice Poll.
Page 6 of 6 FirstFirst 123456
Results 51 to 54 of 54

Thread: "Sand" Voting Thread

  1. #51
    Quote Originally Posted by -xXx- View Post
    i voted.
    on the poems.
    did you?
    Yes, eventually

    poet scratched his head
    while wielding wooden baton
    splinters in both hands


  2. #52
    Burned Beyond Recognition

    1.
    He was tatted
    against her breast; latched on
    before love’s sweet milk would dry
    like a sand any breeze could take.
    Heartbeats bruised, yet
    neither sifted for what might be left

    because nothing was, just initials
    left to sag—graffiti

    on flesh abandoned
    and remembered
    and remembered
    in mirrors.

    2.
    At the wake
    crepe draped each reflection.
    She assured—“It’s all for the best.”

    because nothing was left
    of initials, burned with her breast

    like those same inked letters
    scrawled after “Love, ____
    on love letters he sent.
    I really liked this poem, but couldn't vote for it because I felt like it barely touched the theme. If the theme had been ink however, it would certainly have been a contender.

    Concerning "A Coward's Solution for Unpleasant Recollections"

    I think the first thing that made this more difficult to read was the way the lines were broken up. Most of them could be combined so that each line would be a conjoinment of the pairing, making the rhyming scheme every line rather than every other line. This would have made it clearer what the pacing for reading would be. The other was that the length of each stanza grew quickly and then seemed to fade off (fitting thematically with the poem), until the last one which defied the convention in a way that didn't feel like it made a worthy pay off. Finding a way to make that last stanza less verbose would keep the approach and make the piece more satisfying.

    EDIT -

    Also, note I only got 1 vote, so don't take my opinions too seriously

    As I continue my uniformed and foolhardy attempt at critique, I found wanting a stronger use of the indented side thoughts in "Nor Any Drop to Drink." I wanted to feel as though the side tangents distracted an the oasis mixing with madness as the parched narrator imagined the water and peaches. I feel like using the indenting and the slow drift, and sudden return to attempts at sanity could have visualized this more clearly. So I took a stab at a few minor changes.

    Nor Any Drop to Drink


    The hills roll on and on,
    Sand slipping over sand,
    The color of peaches.
    Peaches—
    ||||Sweet and ripe and lovely,
    ||||And full of cool juice.
    ||||The sand, it ripples like water,
    ||||Water—
    ||||||||Sparkling like twin moons
    ||||||||Pure, better than if the hills
    ||||||||Were made of gold dust.
    ||||||||The desert—
    ||||||||||||Why does it provoke me?
    ||||||||||||With visions of fresh springs,
    ||||||||||||And lush orchards fed by those springs,
    ||||||||||||Ripe with belladonna,and cherries, and peaches...
    The vultures are calling,
    In the blue blue sky,
    Cry echoing over cry,
    Sun—
    ||||You lovely darling,
    ||||Cool off, won’t you,
    ||||For a little while only?
    ||||Shadowless—
    ||||||||Yes, the desert is spotless,
    ||||||||Pale, gentle, undarkened,
    ||||||||Blank like shrunken canvas,
    ||||||||Sand—
    ||||||||||||Spilling over itself forever,
    ||||||||||||Horizon to horizon, is sand,
    ||||||||||||Perfect in its irony, metallic on my tongue,
    ||||||||||||Bare burning sand in a lovely peach color,
    ||||||||||||The sun spinning like a gyroscope above all

    ||||||||||||||||These peaches, why are they so dry?

    I have no real criticism (constructive or otherwise) for "The Sands of Tide: Song of the Lamb" I loved it. One of those votes was mine.
    Nature is awesome.
    Translate this to Japanese
    syllables unchanged

  3. #53
    Andrew, just noticed your comments. Thanks, for taking time to let me know your thoughts. Yes, I felt not having "sand" as main topic, would do me in. But, since we can use word anyway we choose, I just wrote what I wanted. I had no interest in sand. I find it difficult to write on what other's choose. Almost impossible, actually.

    I was hoping that poem would be understood, more than hoping to win. My cliff note, if not: It was about mastectomy.

    .

  4. #54
    Quote Originally Posted by andrewclunn View Post
    Concerning "A Coward's Solution for Unpleasant Recollections"

    I think the first thing that made this more difficult to read was the way the lines were broken up. Most of them could be combined so that each line would be a conjoinment of the pairing, making the rhyming scheme every line rather than every other line. This would have made it clearer what the pacing for reading would be. The other was that the length of each stanza grew quickly and then seemed to fade off (fitting thematically with the poem), until the last one which defied the convention in a way that didn't feel like it made a worthy pay off. Finding a way to make that last stanza less verbose would keep the approach and make the piece more satisfying.
    Thank you so much, Andrew. This is an old piece, likely about seven years old. I do see what you're saying about choppiness, I've married them in my head, and for the most part, most would be more easily grasped conjoined save for a few that are too short. Padding them to even syllable counts and maintain smoother continuity would serve to add to verbosity, though. Ay, damned if I do, damned if I don't, lol. I'm a horrid person in that I don't concern myself with stanza length unless I'm writing strictly in form. I use both line and stanza breaks where I feel pauses are necessary for this or that to sink in. Choppiness - guilty. Too verbose - guilty. Verbosity is one of my biggest flaws, always has been, and will likely be something I always battle with. My love of unnecessary adjectives/adverbs will one day see me beheaded, lol.

    As old as it is, I'm still fond of this piece's message, and you've given me much to ponder to make it better than it is. Much appreciated, kind sir, truly.


Page 6 of 6 FirstFirst 123456

Bookmarks

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
  •