No Please, Tell Me How You Really Feel *language, controversial themes*


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Thread: No Please, Tell Me How You Really Feel *language, controversial themes*

  1. #1

    No Please, Tell Me How You Really Feel *language, controversial themes*

    TRIGGER WARNING!





    DO NOT READ.





    LEAVE NOW!





    TURN BACK!!!




















    The cycle of poverty
    a repeated curse
    Children rarely improving
    on what their parents did
    When I see a struggling twenty-something single mother on the news who wonders how she's going to take care of her five kids, I don't say, "Poor woman," I ask, "Have you heard of condoms?! Why do you have 5 kids?"


    Manufacturing jobs vanish
    Labor has no power
    Replaced by machines
    or job moved overseas
    The affluent hire undocumented workers off the books and outsource to save cash. They force feed us lies about free trade and open immigration being good for us, and label views questioning them as bigotry!


    Rising sea levels
    Deforestation and extinction
    Population ever growing
    Houses replaced by boats
    Dumb fucks pretending it isn't happening, and elites point to everything other than overpopulation because they don't want to blame people for having large families because they need votes!


    Another terror attack
    Needless violence and death
    Those who suffer most
    are innocent civilians
    World leaders still declaring that Islam is a religion of peace. My ass it is. It's a death cult with followers measured in the billions!
    You can never hate something so thoroughly as that which destroys what you love, and who is more guilty of this crime than the stranger who was once a lover?

  2. #2
    You got part of it right :} I know nothing of poetry so can only speak about the message which in reality is the only true purpose of anything written. Thanks for sharing!

  3. #3
    no comment from me would be best

  4. #4
    Hi Andrew,

    I'm hoping from the title that this is a snapshot of some people's knee- jerk views?

  5. #5
    Reading this felt more like prose than poetry, but as the definitions can be fairly loose with some writers, I wouldn't hang my hat on that statement.
    In line one I might have used 'scourge' rather than 'cycle' as the internal rhyme with 'curse' may have lent extra weight to it.
    Also in the first verse, I'm not comfortable with switching 'five' to '5'. I would prefer it to be consistent.

    Verse two: using 'power' as a sort-of double meaning (industrial action and electricity) and 'machines' kind of worked - though I may be reading something that you didn't intend . Should that be jobs rather than 'job'?

    Verse three. I would like to see a definite pause at the end of the penultimate line, possibly a hyphen, otherwise it can be read wrongly and the meaning changed. Perhaps you intend that, but I suspect not.

    You seem to be fond of exclamation marks at the end of verses, and I feel that they are not always needed. Adding power with words feels a more skilful way than by using the exclamations.
    I think the message might have been stronger by reducing the word count and selecting words more carefully - or perhaps by focussing on a narrower spread of issues.
    I am intentionally avoiding a discussion the issues raised as this is a poetry thread - not one for political debate.


  6. #6
    Quote Originally Posted by Sebald View Post
    Hi Andrew,

    I'm hoping from the title that this is a snapshot of some people's knee- jerk views?
    The odd thing is that when I write a piece about insanity nobody asks if I'm insane. My own views are my own, and not something I care to discuss here (I mean that's not really the point of this forum). Each of my pieces stands on its own, and if people feel that they must know the inspiration of a piece to judge it then most of the time this means that the piece has failed to convey its voice clearly enough. I don't think that's what's going on here, but just in case it is, here is the imagined voice:

    Political discourse is rage, censorship, and propaganda. Everyone can supposedly think whatever they want, but not say it, so it's bottled up and released in these explosive ways that speak to currents only allowed below the surface. Only approved messages are allowed in the public sphere of debate and this is reflected in the calm, slow, innocuous opening parts of each stanza, as the build up of sad observations that lead to the explosive outburst at the end. This poem is meant to capture that building rage and iconoclastic fervor, manifesting it in ways that cannot be unread or unheard. That there seems to be a tepidness any questioning of if and where I agree with any of these statements actually speaks to the way in which we are unable to handle and deal with this maelstrom or disaffection and malcontent. The person speaking does not matter, the ideas have a life of their own and cannot be buried, lest the rage bubble up and come crashing through whatever walls we think we have built to hold back the flood. And that is the voice of this poem.
    You can never hate something so thoroughly as that which destroys what you love, and who is more guilty of this crime than the stranger who was once a lover?

  7. #7
    Quote Originally Posted by andrewclunn View Post
    The odd thing is that when I write a piece about insanity nobody asks if I'm insane. My own views are my own, and not something I care to discuss here (I mean that's not really the point of this forum).
    Indeed, I realise that views expressed are not necessarily those of the author. I do it myself sometimes. It's astonishing how many people don't seem to get that.
    We had a brief discussion about that on here called something like "Who is the 'I' in poetry?" It was quite enlightening.


  8. #8
    The trouble is, Andrew, I run into rants like this all over the place. And they're not works of fiction.

    It's a hot subject, to be sure. Exactly what poets should be tackling. And you always look for an original angle.

    For me, it's not quite there. It's all problems and no solutions.

  9. #9
    Quote Originally Posted by Sebald View Post
    The trouble is, Andrew, I run into rants like this all over the place. And they're not works of fiction.

    It's a hot subject, to be sure. Exactly what poets should be tackling. And you always look for an original angle.

    For me, it's not quite there. It's all problems and no solutions.
    I'll be sure to share my domestic and foreign policy poetry as soon as I write it

    EDIT -

    I do appreciate the feedback. This is a joking good humored response. Felt the need to add this edit because I thought (despite the smiley) that it might be taken in a snarky way.
    You can never hate something so thoroughly as that which destroys what you love, and who is more guilty of this crime than the stranger who was once a lover?

  10. #10
    hello - I can't understand why you are taking the time and trouble to give space to reactionary, uninformed opinion.
    especially, not necessarily your own.

    the opinions don't say anything new - are they really worth engaging with?
    these ideas are inherently flawed (naturally) and can be buried by knowledge and logic - and perhaps, an education.

    sure, acknowledge them if you wish - but the subject can be broached within a couple of lines, not a whole piece.

    a few sound-bites, followed by a witless prosaic opinion - ain't my idea of poetry.........sorry.

    I'm interested to know what audience you had in mind.....

    baffled........Ned
    Last edited by ned; July 15th, 2017 at 01:59 AM.

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