the disappearing girl


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Thread: the disappearing girl

  1. #1
    WF Veteran SilverMoon's Avatar
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    the disappearing girl


    Final Edit


    all you bonbon boys and gentle men

    I’d wintered you then with my back,
    spine already traced by the finger of
    a brute, drawn down -
    soft

    then
    to
    the
    pinch

    I might have known
    your gingerly words,
    your honest kisses

    I’d been like the
    whispering, giggling girls

    I’d been like the
    touched, flushed women

    yet,
    tell me an “I love you lie”
    and I’ll stay

    give me a tricky kiss
    and I’ll stay

    standing still
    standing it, still

    never mind
    my eyes
    the colours of seasons

    white of eyes
    buried -
    like all the wintered boys

    brute, what have you done?
    when something like love comes,
    daughter goes
    numb then
    disappears



    ,,,.,,
    Original
    all you bonbon boys and gentle men
    I’d wintered you then with my back,
    spine already traced by the finger of
    a brute, drawn down -
    soft

    then
    to
    the
    pinch

    If not for this
    I might have known
    your gingerly words,
    your honest kisses

    I’d been like the
    whispering, giggling girls

    I’d been like the
    touched, flushed women

    yet,
    tell me an “I love you lie”
    and I’ll stay

    give me a tricky kiss
    and I’ll stay

    standing still
    standing it, still


    never mind
    my eyes
    the colours of seasons
    ochre, green, brown, white around

    dry, I cannot cry,
    like summer


    lazy, I cannot grow,
    like spring

    pressed, I cannot fly,
    like fall

    white of eyes
    buried -
    like all the wintered boys

    brute, what have you done?
    when something like love comes,
    daughter goes
    numb then disappears
    Last edited by SilverMoon; March 29th, 2019 at 07:29 AM.
    “The man who cannot visualize a horse galloping on a tomato is an idiot.”
    Andre Breton

  2. #2
    Member Rick Keeble's Avatar
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    I'm being picky here, but, the only thing that bugs me is the "lazy, I cannot grow, like spring". When spring epitomizes growth! Apart from that I really enjoyed your write!

  3. #3
    Oh Silver. This is telling a heartbreaking story. It's an amazing piece of work.

  4. #4
    WF Veteran SilverMoon's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Rick Keeble I'm being picky here, but, the only thing that bugs me is the "lazy, I cannot grow, like spring". When spring epitomizes growth! Apart from that I really enjoyed your write!
    Thank you, Rick. Am glad you enjoyed and welcome to Poetry. "lazy" is not my favored word (still working on it) yet it does work in this simile format. e.g.

    dry, I cannot cry
    like summer.

    lazy, I cannot grow, (as in "Those Lazy, Hazy Days of Spring!")
    like spring


    Originally Posted by Sebald Oh Silver. This is telling a heartbreaking story. It's an amazing piece of work
    Thank you very much, Sebald. Quite sometime since I've written a Confessional piece.
    Last edited by SilverMoon; July 12th, 2017 at 01:19 AM.
    “The man who cannot visualize a horse galloping on a tomato is an idiot.”
    Andre Breton

  5. #5
    Liked it

    how about "dry like summer, I cannot cry; lazy like spring yet I cannot grow." Just a thought, although I understand what you're saying that unlike spring you cannot grow - you original is clear to me and makes sense; actually the Nat King Cole song is "Lazy, hazy, crazy days of summer"(but you probably knew that).
    "Self-righteousness never straddles the political fence."

    Midnightpoet


    "The bible says to love your neighbor. It's obvious that over the centuries it has been interpreted as the opposite."
    (sarcasm alert)

    Midnightpoet


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  6. #6
    Laurie,

    This agonizing confessional gives us an insight to a very heartbreaking life with a brutal father. The last verse says it all. Thanks for sharing this sensitive subject.

  7. #7
    hello - enjoyed your poem - honest and heartfelt

    I think Rick's confusion over the seasonal section stems from the analogy of summer followed
    by contrasts to the others - a comma is correct on the first, but not on the latter-
    hazy, I cannot grow like spring - makes it clear.

    I'm thinking that brute is a tad too strong - on what I've read....

    cheers......Ned
    grasp the mettle of things unsaid
    and strike the nail upon the head

  8. #8
    WF Veteran SilverMoon's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by ned View Post
    hello - enjoyed your poem - honest and heartfelt

    I think Rick's confusion over the seasonal section stems from the analogy of summer followed
    by contrasts to the others - a comma is correct on the first, but not on the latter-
    hazy, I cannot grow like spring - makes it clear.

    I'm thinking that brute is a tad too strong - on what I've read....

    cheers......Ned
    "brute" is actually a much kinder word considering...

    Quote Originally Posted by midnightpoet View Post
    Liked it

    how about "dry like summer, I cannot cry; lazy like spring yet I cannot grow." Just a thought, although I understand what you're saying that unlike spring you cannot grow - you original is clear to me and makes sense; actually the Nat King Cole song is "Lazy, hazy, crazy days of summer"(but you probably knew that).
    Tony, both you and Ned agree that I should re-structure similes. I dug in my heals at first but they're out now. A re-write ahead of me.And how could I have missed "crazy" in Nat's song? I'll be bringing this to my doc
    Last edited by SilverMoon; March 29th, 2019 at 07:33 AM.
    “The man who cannot visualize a horse galloping on a tomato is an idiot.”
    Andre Breton

  9. #9
    WF Veteran SilverMoon's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Nellie View Post
    Laurie,

    This agonizing confessional gives us an insight to a very heartbreaking life with a brutal father. The last verse says it all. Thanks for sharing this sensitive subject.
    Cindy, you did not fit into my Multi-Quote! And that must be because you are most singular, my dear friend. This Confessional is remarkably un-nuanced for me. Nuanced, always, because it is a sensitive subject. But this is what it is, what needed to be for some reason. As to the last verse, you know it's literal, poof,and why I continue write the wrong.
    Last edited by SilverMoon; July 12th, 2017 at 07:12 AM.
    “The man who cannot visualize a horse galloping on a tomato is an idiot.”
    Andre Breton

  10. #10
    WF Veteran SilverMoon's Avatar
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    EDIT ^ thx
    all you bonbon boys and gentle men
    I’d wintered you then with my back,
    spine already traced by the finger of
    begetter, drawn down -
    soft

    then
    to
    the
    pinch

    If not for this
    I might have known
    your gingerly words,
    your honest kisses

    I’d been like the
    whispering, giggling girls

    I’d been like the
    touched, flushed women

    yet,
    tell me an “I love you lie”
    and I’ll stay

    give me a tricky kiss
    and I’ll stay

    standing still
    standing it, still

    never mind
    my eyes
    the colours of seasons
    ochre, green, brown, white around

    dry, like summer, I cannot cry;
    hazy, like spring, I cannot grow;
    pressed, like fall, I cannot fly.


    white of eyes
    buried -
    like all the wintered boys

    begetter, what have you done?
    I go numb
    when something like love comes
    then disappear
    ORIGINAL
    all you bonbon boys and gentle men
    I’d wintered you then with my back,
    spine already traced by the finger of
    a brute, drawn down -
    soft

    then
    to
    the
    pinch

    If not for this
    I might have known
    your gingerly words,
    your honest kisses

    I’d been like the
    whispering, giggling girls

    I’d been like the
    touched, flushed women

    yet,
    tell me an “I love you lie”
    and I’ll stay

    give me a tricky kiss
    and I’ll stay

    standing still
    standing it, still


    never mind
    my eyes
    the colours of seasons
    ochre, green, brown, white around

    dry, I cannot cry,
    like summer


    lazy, I cannot grow,
    like spring

    pressed, I cannot fly,
    like fall


    white of eyes
    buried -
    like all the wintered boys

    brute, what have you done?
    when something like love comes,
    daughter goes
    numb then disappears
    Last edited by SilverMoon; July 12th, 2017 at 04:44 PM.
    “The man who cannot visualize a horse galloping on a tomato is an idiot.”
    Andre Breton

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