the disappearing girl - Page 4

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Thread: the disappearing girl

  1. #31
    Global Moderator Squalid Glass's Avatar
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    Jul 2009
    Colorado Springs, Colorado
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    Quote Originally Posted by sas View Post
    Welcome back, Glass. Hope you can stay. If you disappear, with your red pen, I might need to come find you. My son lives in The Springs. Love it there. Great critique!

    Silver, fabulous rewrite. Stunning. Just one thing: I'd think the quotation mark should be placed differently:

    tell me an "I love you" lie

    I do not believe lie should be within it.
    Thanks sas! Springs is a great place to be!

    As for the quotation, I believe either way would be acceptable--it just depends on how SM wants it to be read.

  2. #32
    Quote Originally Posted by Squalid Glass View Post
    Springs is a great place to be!

    As for the quotation, I believe either way would be acceptable--it just depends on how SM wants it to be read.

    Yes, COLORADO is a GREAT place to be! I love the Rocky Mountains. So beautiful! I would not want to live anywhere else, except Switzerland.
    My daughter will be moving to the "Springs" at the end of this month. Great to see you back here, too, Squalid Glass!!

    Quote Originally Posted by SqualidGlass
    my original thought on "wintered" was kind of bringing a sort of death. Destruction of innocence,
    Isn't this the idea of the whole poem.... destruction of innocence?

    Silvermoon, this re-write flows smoother than your original, but I love this fact that you came back with the original last verse and kept "brute" in there.

    Quote Originally Posted by Silvermoon
    brute, what have you done?
    when something like love comes,
    daughter goes
    numb then disappears

  3. #33
    WF Veteran SilverMoon's Avatar
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    Jan 2010
    Long Island, NY
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    Well, we have all certainly been in the classroom! Then in walks the Professor to guide ,thank you so much Glass, and poem has been honed to its completion.

    Thank you all for your keen critiques - all of us working together with absolutely no friction. I think how this thread ran is a good example of how writers can bond both respectfully and intellectually. Have we not learned allot?!

    Now, speaking of Colorado! I am ready to move there. Just now I heard on the news that this season on Long Island has been dubbed "The Summer from Hell". Having asthma I am now pretty much captive at home. Now, I am not going to want to write a poem about this!!!

    To all, my best and thanks.
    Last edited by SilverMoon; July 15th, 2017 at 02:46 AM.
    “The man who cannot visualize a horse galloping on a tomato is an idiot.”
    Andre Breton

  4. #34
    This poem has a certain old world feel to it, not like Byron old but stained brick faced buildings old, smoggy smokestack old, wrought iron railing old and that is what feels so cool about this piece. I felt as though I were sitting in a dark theater with brocade curtains drawn on each side and this was being read to me. The more I think about it, it also has a Pink Floyd feel to it. Really unique and very cool.

  5. #35
    Interesting way of hearing this; with a Pink Floyd vibe. I'm still too fond of this poem to talk rationally about it.

    Welcome to the forum, Chris.

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