The Cape (His Sketch)


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Thread: The Cape (His Sketch)

  1. #1

    The Cape (His Sketch)



    With a middle-aged stoic chest of black-haired splinters,

    his shaved shoulder blades tilt amidst his steps.
    They meet the angle of his capillary neck like a loose staple on a canvas frame.
    I ask Judy, “Zeno of Citium…Why was he so stoic?”


    Under her chiffon hat, ice jangling in her drink,
    eyes Zeno walk the crowded cape, her olive Gatsby style cloche hides her eyes,
    pages of her magazine turn in the wind.
    His towel hangs low on his pelvis.
    A white, t-shirt drapes from his sun-weathered V cut waist.
    Disrobed, it swishes with his steps like a broken sling.
    His faded, mollusk-gray trunks carry his shell.
    “I think it was his beard.”


    The vacationers wade his mandrel shore and rotate with sea,
    like a karaoke show,
    washed-up on a middle-class overdose of sky.
    He stands to gaze the shore.
    He eyes Judy.
    They both glance away.


    And as the annual tourists gastropod to those doorless,
    concrete shower drains,
    I envision Zeno salting them plump in mucus greens,
    ’til sleep does him in,
    under his sun-thin lids.


    I see them sing, wale, wallop, moan!—
    sluggards of his ancestors trying to hold on to each other
    to fight the spins in his storm,
    filled and living full—together,
    they cavort in him their masquerade of The New South:


    An eustatic reunion of shadow puppets faking long-distant relationships,
    tracing Kandinsky circles of his first love,
    in a gentle white-capped surf
    of colloid memories.

  2. #2
    There is a LOT of truly fabulous imagery here... Your skill is that you pair words and phrases in such a unique way that it sounds new, like you have your own language, and I love and envy that sooo much... however... I am lost, in this case, your imagery works against your message.... I am at a loss as to what you are expressing... this is just my opinion...
    She lost herself in the trees,
    among the ever-changing leaves.
    She wept beneath the wild sky
    as stars told stories of ancient times.
    The flowers grew toward her light,
    the river called her name at night.
    She could not live an ordinary life,
    with the mysteries of the universe
    hidden in her eyes....
    Author: Christy Ann Martine

    Death leaves a heartache no one can heal,
    love leaves a memory no one can steal....
    Author unknown.

  3. #3
    Regarding Fire's comments: ditto

  4. #4
    hello Space - have to go with the previous comments, here.

    the images and metaphors don't connect with me, and lose all meaning.

    you have the vocabulary, the writing skills and intensity - but it's all window dressing
    without a coherent message. - a criticism I've made to other poets on this site.

    you've got to work harder at communicating your ideas to the reader -
    coming up with fresh and original imagery and metaphors that universally strike a chord is very difficult -
    it takes a lot of thought and a pinch of inspiration - but that is the craft of poetry.
    for me, the revelation of tenuous truths.

    in other parts, the poem seems to try too hard to be surprising-
    'ice jangling in her drink' - ice doesn't jangle, it may jingle, perhaps
    jingling bells that assonant with drink - and more truthful, surely.

    some great turns of phrase here, but consider the reader....
    Ned

  5. #5
    Quote Originally Posted by ned View Post
    hello Space - have to go with the previous comments, here.

    the images and metaphors don't connect with me, and lose all meaning.

    you have the vocabulary, the writing skills and intensity - but it's all window dressing
    without a coherent message. - a criticism I've made to other poets on this site.

    you've got to work harder at communicating your ideas to the reader -
    coming up with fresh and original imagery and metaphors that universally strike a chord is very difficult -
    it takes a lot of thought and a pinch of inspiration - but that is the craft of poetry.
    for me, the revelation of tenuous truths.

    in other parts, the poem seems to try too hard to be surprising-
    'ice jangling in her drink' - ice doesn't jangle, it may jingle, perhaps
    jingling bells that assonant with drink - and more truthful, surely.

    some great turns of phrase here, but consider the reader....
    Ned
    Thank you for this comment and I'm always open to suggestions. So, I should just kill this all together or move forward with addressing the weak message and window dressing?

    Cut it up, kill it. It's just an image, not really an idea. So I'm not really close to it. W.

  6. #6
    Cadet,

    It was a heck of an image! Now put it in a frame, hold it together with words that mean something to the reader, not just you. Your fabulously imaged poem is exactly what non-poets groan about, if given to them.

  7. #7
    Space, of course, it is up to you how to proceed - and I am not alone in failing to grasp your meanings.
    I just took the trouble to underline the point.

    surely, the first task of a writer is to communicate ideas - hopefully in an entertaining way.
    although, some writers are quite happy to remain 'mysterious' - which, for me, equates with lazy and uninteresting.

    but I feel you have something to say, and it must be frustrating to be misunderstood.
    so, touch common ground in your expressions - connect with the experiences and notions of the reader.

    for example -
    The vacationers wade his mandrel shore and rotate with sea,
    like a karaoke show,

    leaves me cold, because I don't see the connection - the commonality of the ideas.
    bring it back a bit, with something more basic and a bit of thought, and we might have-

    wading vacationers took turns at getting wet feet, like in a karaoke show.
    not great, but nearer the mark, perhaps.

    whether you stick, twist or fold - the important thing is that you grow as a writer
    and learn from the experience that you cannot presume that the reader has the same
    instant connections as you do - ground the expressions without spelling them out -
    it's a thin line!

    cheers.....Ned

  8. #8
    Quote Originally Posted by Space Cadet View Post
    , I should just kill this all together or move forward with addressing the weak message and window dressing?

    Cut it up, kill it. It's just an image, not really an idea. So I'm not really close to it. W.
    NO! NO! Do not cut it up or kill it just because someONE says it should be done! As someONE said, consider the reader! We all read, therefore we interpret poems differently. Also, depending on what part of the U.S. or world one lives in, language is interpreted differently.

    Consider that reader, who sometimes doesn't consider...............others.

  9. #9
    WF Veteran SilverMoon's Avatar
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    Wesley, from what I've read you employ the literary genre of "Abstract" Poetry". Most all of my work is abstract/interpretive.

    And I have this saying "When I Cook up a Poem I Never Serve it with the Recipe"

    What follows is an excerpt from link below:

    "To write an abstract poem, it is important to understand that it is not the meaning of the words that are important but the feeling, the sound and the impact of the words on the reader or listener. You do not have to rhyme any of the words and, most importantly, it does not have to make sense. You are creating something intangible yet beautiful. One technique is that of William Burrough's "

    http://penandthepad.com/do-write-abstract-poem-6854127.html
    This link provides much great advice as how to piece together the "Abstract Poem".

    Originally Posted by Space Cadet So, I should just kill this all together or move forward with addressing the weak message and window dressing?

    Cut it up, kill it. It's just an image, not really an idea. So I'm not really close to it. W.
    I see that you have replied to ned's comments. His key ones will follow in quote box because it seems that some have dampened "your artistic spirit", you stating that you should cut up, kill your piece. (I've felt that way in the past and have regrets - I now I keep a folder "Poems to be Edited")

    I'm going to quote both you and ned, the one who critiques and the artist who writes, with what I hope will be considered positive input, But first a quote that I think is apt to what follows.

    "The critic has to educate the public. The artist has to educate the critic" Oscar Wilde


    Originally Posted by ned the images and metaphors don't connect with me, and lose all meaning. I've often felt the same way. However, works are as diverse as the readers. For example, I do not connect with overly concretized poems. I prefer to read in between the lines. you've got to work harder at communicating your ideas to the reader. This is a generalized directive which can put the writer at a total loss as how to respond. If the reviewer has not inquired about points in question or even puts forth suppositions to the particulars they have given the writer nothing to work with. Now, you've got two persons who are confused!

    You have the vocabulary, the writing skills and intensity -the writer must feel great hearing this but then directly after reads but it's all window dressing- There's no segue. Just a fast drop from the top. Crash!

    consider the reader. We both know I am familiar with this suggestion.
    Here's an analogy: Let's say a woman bakes a blueberry pie to gift a new neighbor, having no idea that she's allergic to blueberries. Does this mean the woman is not considering the other? A poet writes and presents a poem. Just in this act, the poet is considering the reader by "sharing" like the woman who baked the pie.
    Wesley, you replied to ned's post like a responsible, level headed member.

    Originally Posted by Space Cadet Thank you for this comment and I'm always open to suggestions.
    Kudos! Now, please show yourself the same respect and KEEP THIS POEM OUT OF THE TRASH!!! It has so many merits. Good poets work and re-work. It's a wonder I'm still alive because I edit my work to death.

    May PEACE reign! Laurie
    Last edited by SilverMoon; July 5th, 2017 at 08:34 PM.
    “The man who cannot visualize a horse galloping on a tomato is an idiot.”
    Andre Breton

  10. #10
    Cadet, As you can see, there are many opinions. Now it's up to you to choose "your voice" of preference. Smiles. sas

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