Tender Erasure


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Thread: Tender Erasure

  1. #1

    Tender Erasure

    Tender Erasure - revision

    In fragile colours you appear to me
    ...muted strokes
    ......bit by bit washed from memory

    Gentle lullabies caress,

    ...murmur in your language
    ......I never was able to master

    To feel you folded around me

    ...hear whispers of comfort,
    ......one more song

    Here are the lines we sketched in the sand

    ...there the pebbled road we shaped
    ......
    before our childrens voices were brutely silenced

    At night I look out at the yawning sun

    ...as she draws blood and drowns
    ......and know one day I'll join you

    Time deletes you, second by word by line

    ...but it can never erase you,
    ......my essence, engraved in me



    ***

    Tender Erasure - original



    In fragile colours you appear to me
    ...pastel strokes that are so slowly
    ......but tenderly washed away from my memory

    In gentle lullabies you caress my ears

    ...warm mumbling in your language
    ......I never was able to master

    I want your arms to hold me one more time

    ...hear your soft smiling whispers
    ......of comfort while you sing for me

    Here are the lines we once drew in the sand

    ...there the pebbled road we created
    ......our childrens voices brutely silenced

    At night I look out at the yawning sun

    ...as she draws blood orange hues
    ......and know one day I'll join you

    Time deletes you second by word by line

    ...but it can never erase you from my heart
    ......for you are etched in my very core


    ***
    February 24, 2017
    Copyright Darren White
    Last edited by Darren White; June 28th, 2017 at 10:53 AM.

  2. #2
    Darren. That's so beautiful. Tears in eyes.

  3. #3
    I love the artistic feel to this piece. I am wondering what constitutes as a fragile color. I love the word choice you've provided about stimulating the ears. 'Caress' is a nice touch - pun not intended. The colorful wordplay compliments the sensual feel throughout this piece. There are a few things to refine. As the reader, I want to feel engaged with every stanza. Be more concise by utilizing concrete words. Abstract words often drift the readers off the main message.

    As far as your syllable count, there's consistency in some areas which essentially helps the flow of the overall piece. Good job.

    Overall, great job. I enjoyed this. Thanks for sharing.

  4. #4
    Quote Originally Posted by Sebald View Post
    Darren. That's so beautiful. Tears in eyes.
    Thank you, Sebald, that is a compliment!

  5. #5
    Quote Originally Posted by PrinzeCharming View Post
    I love the artistic feel to this piece. I am wondering what constitutes as a fragile color. I love the word choice you've provided about stimulating the ears. 'Caress' is a nice touch - pun not intended. The colorful wordplay compliments the sensual feel throughout this piece. There are a few things to refine. As the reader, I want to feel engaged with every stanza. Be more concise by utilizing concrete words. Abstract words often drift the readers off the main message.

    As far as your syllable count, there's consistency in some areas which essentially helps the flow of the overall piece. Good job.

    Overall, great job. I enjoyed this. Thanks for sharing.
    Aha! First of all, thank you, and nice to meet you

    Then: I am forever (still) fighting with concrete vs. abstract language. For that reason I am now working my way through Grindon's "Figurative Speech". My problem still is that for me it is all concrete, I don't see the abstraction. I see the image while I am writing. So I am struggling with this.

    Could you point out where exactly I go into abstraction? That would be helpful for me, also for future poems.

    Thank you!
    Darren.

  6. #6
    hello - enjoyed your poem with its lovely sentiment and esoteric word-choices.

    But such language needs careful maintainance - and this piece sometimes drops into the plain
    or as Prinze suggests, spins out into abstraction - yes, it's a thin line to walk!

    The abstractions, as I see it, are the poetical terms that are so over-used, that they lose personal meaning.
    And hence, impact.

    washed away from my memory - your arms to hold me - brutely silenced - orange hues - erase you from my heart -
    etched in my very core - etc

    For instance, if 'from my memory' is edited from the first verse, does it lose its meaning?

    Look to the craft of writing to keep the esoteric vibe - narration, punctuation and assonance in these examples...

    At dawn, I look to the yawning sun
    drawing blood from..... (sky, clouds. horizon etc)

    Here, are the lines we drew in the sand
    there, the pebbled road we made/built....

    Time wanes you, second by word by line
    but cannot erase you....

    You have a wonderful vocabulary and turn of phrase - hone the narration
    and look for surprising and creative alternatives to the abstractions for something special..

    cheers.....Ned
    grasp the mettle of things unsaid
    and strike the nail upon the head

  7. #7
    Quote Originally Posted by ned View Post

    For instance, if 'from my memory' is edited from the first verse, does it lose its meaning?

    Look to the craft of writing to keep the esoteric vibe - narration, punctuation and assonance in these examples...

    At dawn, I look to the yawning sun
    drawing blood from..... (sky, clouds. horizon etc)

    Here, are the lines we drew in the sand
    there, the pebbled road we made/built....

    Time wanes you, second by word by line
    but cannot erase you....

    You have a wonderful vocabulary and turn of phrase - hone the narration
    and look for surprising and creative alternatives to the abstractions for something special..

    cheers.....Ned
    Aha! Thank you Ned,

    For me, non-native speaker it's not always evident what is over-used language or not. Your reply is extremely useful and you explained it well to me. I might use some of the suggestions you gave me.
    I am relieved it's not a bad poem in its entirety.

    I already found out that I am struggling with putting into words the imagery in my mind, in such a way that people understand what I am trying to convey.

    Time to look at it again, and rewrite with this in mind.
    Again thank you.

  8. #8
    i am intrigued by how you will chose to evolve as a poet.
    enjoyed this original a great deal.

  9. #9
    Enjoyed the read....cool
    The only one who can heal you is you.




  10. #10
    Yes, over-used phrases must be hard to hear, if English is not your first language.

    Firemajic once pointed out her horror of anything that might appear in a Hallmark card. You're way above that level, of course, but it might be a good way to think of it. Just read and read and read. Listen to poetry on headphones when you're travelling. Have it playing in the background in your house.

    Lots of us have never studied English literature: we've simply kept reading until our ear starts to tune in.

    Practical suggestions: 'washed away' doesn't need the 'away' and 'brutely' should be 'brutally'


    Time deletes you second by word by line
    ...but it can never erase you from my heart
    ......for you are etched in my very core


    This stanza made me cry the first time. Trying to be more sensible, I'd say you could maybe push it even further.

    The lines make clear the meaning of the poem (time erasing memory), but why not have the speaker lose control a little more... a feeling that the person is being ripped out of a heart... a sudden panic... no, you can't have them... a desperate holding-on... (and something more aggressive than 'etched')?


    Don't lose heart, Darren, you're getting a great deal of emotion into your poems. If 'Tender Erasure' was read aloud at a funeral, or remembrance service, or a celebration of someone's life, it would really bring everyone to their knees.

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