Results 1 to 7 of 7

Thread: The House of Fear

  1. #1

    The House of Fear

    Each time that Jimmy would pass by the old, in many ways shattered house, his heart would race and his hands would be overran by cold sweat. The sweat would then mingle with the dirt on his hands creating an interesting mixture. No one else would give two cents to investigate the reasons behind this fear. The house wasn't that spookey after all, truth be told. To others, that is.

    But, as far as Jimmy was concerned, this house was the ultimate means to avoid cold feet. To avoid his loneliness, his vulnerability, his being cheated by almost everybody, his ... very existence.

    'It'd be nice if someone would do some investigations about this house' passed through Jimmy's mind the last time he passed by the house.

    But, that day was a new day. A day to try out something new. A day to drag away the past existence.

    'I'm going in' thought Jimmy on that day. 'I'm gonna chase this dragon of fear that doesn't let me sleep at night ... I'm gonna chase him to his black hole.'

    As he was nearing the house, his steps accelerated. His heartbeat slowed down and one could bet that the house's taboo was about to be swolen by his heart.

    The gates that separated him and the house sqweaked and Jimmy's feet were on the house's grounds. 'I am not backing down now!' Jimmy's voice drowned in the silence of darkness of the house's garden.

    A few steps after that, Jimmy was handling the doorknob. He pushed and pulled the door several times. It wouldn't yield. Fearless, he turned away from the door, ready to leave, ready to swallow up his readiness and try another day. Maybe.

    Suddenly, his mind began to play tricks on him. Or so he thought. The door opened as if it were being moved by an unknown force. The force was windy and mildly smelly. Specks of old dust went in through his nose and throath. In the same time he caughed and felt impressed by the cold invitedness of the place.

    'There is absolutely no point in me turning around and leave now.' Jimmy smiled, and took the first step in.

    The same moment, the air of the room was lost in a whirlwind. Jimmy was taken up by it, and lifted several yards above the ground. His heartbeat paced and he was smiling. The stronger the whirlwind lasted, the widely Jimmy smiled. He couldn't resist the tickeling feeling overrunning him: he began to laugh.

    Then the whirlpool stopped. Jimmy was lucky enough to have had grabbed a timber to hold and maintain his safety.

    Jimmy had strong hands, and anticipated another whirldwind, which might take him down to the ground. Yet, in the lower corner of the house, just besides the front door, a little something challenged Jimmy's attention.
    Suddenly, it started to grow. And grow. Jimmy's hands suddenly began to lose strength.

    It grew until it reached Jimmy.

    Jimmy wasn't ready to admit to himself what he was now able to see, regardless of the shining openings in the object's head. Yes, it seemed to be a head.

    ''Do you want me to take you down?'' the object asked with a voice most clear.

    ''Yes, please.'' answered Jimmy. 'This is the real thing' Jimmy thought. 'I have overcome fear!'

    The object took Jimmy by the throath -- carefully -- and took him to the ground.

    ''What...who are you?'' asked Jimmy looking at the shining eyes of the object.

    ''I am the Fear Infuser'' answered the being. ''I am in charge of not letting anyone in this house. Only the bravest of men are able to come inside this house. I let in only the chosen ones. And those must be timid by nature, but they must overcome their nature.''

    ''Would you let me out of this house now please?'' asked Jimmy. ''I think I have overcome the greatest of fears.''

    ''Yes, you have.'' answered the shiny-eyed creature. ''We will meet again.'' it promised Jimmy.

    ''Not so sure about it.'' answered Jimmy.

    No more words were needed.

    ''Promise me, than, that you won't tell a soul of your being here?'' asked the creature without uttering a word; it had began to use its ability to communicate telepathically.

    'Yes.' was all Jimmy could think of.

    This time around Jimmy was exiting the house, and brave silence encircled him. No more loneliness, nor vulnerability, nor being cheated by people; he was taken through the impossible, than through the possible, then through the impossible again.
    Last edited by w.riter; June 13th, 2017 at 08:10 PM.

  2. #2
    I copied and pasted this into microsoft word and it showed me all the spelling mistakes I had spotted and drew attention to begun/began, it is a way to start.

    It is a good concept, it leads places, why does the creature want to find these people? What does it have planned for them? But there are issues.
    But, as far as Jimmy was concerned, this house was the ultimate means to avoid cold feet. To avoid his loneliness, his vulnerability, his being cheated by almost everybody, his ... very existence.

    'It'd be nice if someone would do some investigations about this house' passed through Jimmy's mind the last time he passed by the house.

    But, that day was a new day. A day to try out something new. A day to drag away the past existence.
    This deserves building on the ideas and making them run into one another more; he had conflicts; he was scared, but it was a way of resolving his fears; when he approached there was fear, but also curiosity; he was always being pushed in directions, but decided topick his own direction for once.
    Don't tell it just like that of course, use things like the sweating palms to show us how he felt, the old 'show don't tell' adage, but it can be useful to work out what you want to tell first.

    Be careful of overusing 'Jimmy'. It is not awful, but look here:-
    Jimmy had strong hands, and anticipated another whirldwind, which might take him down to the ground. Yet, in the lower corner of the house, just besides the front door, a little something challenged Jimmy's attention.
    Suddenly, it started to grow. And grow. Jimmy's hands suddenly began to lose strength.

    It grew until it reached Jimmy.
    Jimmy was lucky enough to have had grabbed a timber to hold and maintain his safety.
    Bet you don't talk like that, 'maintain saftey', it is also not quite clear that it is falling he was safe from. 'He grabbed a lucky timber, and was left hanging but safe for the moment'... more information, two less words.
    Taking out extra words is always a good exercise, sometimes without changing what is left or the meaning.
    Jimmy was lucky to have had grabbed a timber to hold and maintain his safety
    Jimmy was lucky to have grabbed a timber to hold and maintain his safety
    Jimmy was lucky to grab a timber to hold and maintain his safety
    Jimmy was lucky to grab a timber and maintain his safety

    good luck.
    Visit my website to read and listen to stories songs and more
    http://www.oliverbuckle.com/

    A thread of links useful to writers wishing to learn
    Piglet's picks. http://www.writingforums.com/threads...Piglet-s-Picks

  3. #3
    Oh, hey again.

    The word you're looking for in this case is "overrun," not "overran." I don't know if I have ever seen a valid use of "overran." I'm not saying it's not a word; I'm saying it's not commonly used for *anything.*

    Your opening here is too wordy, just like in the other story. "In many ways shattered." C'mon. Just say "old" or "rundown." We've seen houses. We don't need extraneous description.

    Why are his hands dirty? That's an odd detail. Most of us don't wander around with dirty hands.

    I don't think the "..." thing adds much.

    Is Jimmy a child? "Investigations about this house" is not how I'd word it, either, btw... "Investigate this house." That's what you want. Moreover, an adult doesn't assume that there's some kind of mystery about any house; an adult assumes the history of a house is known unless there's some good reason to believe otherwise.

    Jimmy's thoughts are crazy melodramatic.

    "as he neared" is better than "as he was nearing."

    Why does his heart slow down as his feet move faster? Backward, I would think.

    "squeaked"

    You make extensive (and I would say inappropriate) use of the past participle ("was handling.") Stop that. It doesn't do you any good.

    No, a door opening is not your mind playing tricks on you. Something you *think* you see that is then clearly not there is your mind playing tricks on you--a door opening on its own is an invitation to arson. (By which I mean burn the house down and go the hell home.)

    "cold invitedness" makes no sense. Is it inviting or not? Inviting places are not cold.

    Whirlpool--water. Whirlwind--air. They are not interchangeable.

    It's almost funny when you say "No more words were needed" and then the very next line opens with dialog. >.>

    I think this fear infuser is an idiot. People who are timid by nature do not do brave things. Doing a brave thing is proof positive that you aren't nearly as timid as the narrator would have you believe, you know?

    Same comment kind of applies here; I just don't get anyone's motivation. There is no reason Jimmy is unhappy, and there is no reason he goes into the house, and there is no reason that going into the house makes him less unhappy.
    Don't take my advice personally. Also don't expect me to provide disclaimers like, "Just my opinion, but..." You should know that by now.

  4. #4
    Not sure if it's because you posted on the forum, or if the original document was like this to begin with, but it irks me when quotation marks are used to describe a persons internal thoughts. I feel this is always something that should be put in italics. (This is a general complaint, not just directed at this piece).

    As an aside, is there any particular reason why some authors use " and others use ' to start/end dialogue? As long as the use within the narrative is consistent it doesn't phase me, I'm just curious as to why some authors do it one way, and others another. Edit: only asking cos I bought the subject of quotation marks up

  5. #5
    Member JonathanD's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jul 2017
    Location
    South Africa
    Posts
    21
    It has potential and drew me in. A part that bothers me is though is the following
    As he was nearing the house, his steps accelerated. His heartbeat slowed down
    It feels contradicting that if his steps accelerated his heartbeat would not slow down actually. Did you write it like this to be intentionally contradicting?

  6. #6
    Forum Moderator H.Brown's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jan 2016
    Location
    Northan England, United Kingdom
    Posts
    1,232
    Blog Entries
    37
    Quote Originally Posted by w.riter View Post
    Each time that Jimmy passed by the old and in many ways shattered house. His heart would race and his hands dripped with cold sweat, which mixed with the dirt on his hands creating an interesting mixture. No one else would give two cents about this burst of irrational fear the house wasn't that spookey after all. Well to others, that is.

    But, as far as Jimmy was concerned, this house was the ultimate means to avoid cold feet. To avoid his loneliness, his vulnerability, his being cheated by almost everybody, his ... very existence. This whole paragraph does not mamake sensesense. You began this story as a horror but you lose that feeling here.

    'It'd be nice if someone would do some investigations about this house' passed through Jimmy's mind the last time he passed by the house. Why? you need more information.

    But, that day was a new day. A day to try out something new. A day to drag away the past existence. What day? You have not set any sense of time so far for this to have relevance.

    'I'm going in' thought Jimmy on that day. 'I'm gonna chase this dragon of fear that it doesn't let me sleep at night ... I'm gonna chase him to his black hole.' Who?

    As he was nearing the house, his steps accelerated. His heartbeat slowed down and one could bet that the house's taboo was about to be swolen by his heart. This again makes no sense as you read it, it could do with being rewriten.

    The gates that separated him and the house sqweaked(why does the house squeak?) and Jimmy's feet were on the house's grounds. 'I am not backing down now!' (from what? You haven't established who he is fighting.)Jimmy's voice drowned in the silence of darkness of the house's garden.

    A few steps after that Jimmy found himself gripping the doorknob. He pushed and pulled the door several times but it wouldn't yield. Fearlessly he turned away from the door, ready to leave, ready to swallow up his readiness and try another day. Maybe.

    Suddenly, his mind began to play tricks on him. Or so he thought. The door opened as if it were being moved by an unknown force. The force was windy and mildly smelly. (of what moald, sulphur?)Specks of old dust went in through his nose and throath. In the same time he caughed and felt impressed by the cold invitedness​(this is nonot a word.) of the place.

    'There is absolutely no point in me turning around and leave now.' Jimmy smiled, and took the first step in.

    The same moment, the air of the room was lost in a whirlwind. Jimmy was taken up by it, and lifted several yards above the ground. His heartbeat paced and he was smiling. The stronger the whirlwind lasted, the widely Jimmy smiled. He couldn't resist the tickeling feeling overrunning him: he began to laugh.

    Then the whirlpool stopped. Jimmy was lucky enough to have had grabbed a timber to hold and maintain his safety.

    Jimmy had strong hands, and anticipated another whirldwind, which might take him down to the ground. Yet, in the lower corner of the house, just besides the front door, a little something challenged Jimmy's attention.
    Suddenly, it started to grow. And grow. Jimmy's hands suddenly began to lose strength.

    It grew until it reached Jimmy.

    Jimmy wasn't ready to admit to himself what he was now able to see, regardless of the shining openings in the object's head. Yes, it seemed to be a head.

    ''Do you want me to take you down?'' the object asked with a voice most clear.

    ''Yes, please.'' answered Jimmy. 'This is the real thing' Jimmy thought. 'I have overcome fear!'

    The object took Jimmy by the throath -- carefully -- and took him to the ground.

    ''What...who are you?'' asked Jimmy looking at the shining eyes of the object.

    ''I am the Fear Infuser'' answered the being. ''I am in charge of not letting anyone in this house. Only the bravest of men are able to come inside this house. I let in only the chosen ones. And those must be timid by nature, but they must overcome their nature.''

    ''Would you let me out of this house now please?'' asked Jimmy. ''I think I have overcome the greatest of fears.''

    ''Yes, you have.'' answered the shiny-eyed creature. ''We will meet again.'' it promised Jimmy.

    ''Not so sure about it.'' answered Jimmy.

    No more words were needed.

    ''Promise me, than, that you won't tell a soul of your being here?'' asked the creature without uttering a word; it had began to use its ability to communicate telepathically.

    'Yes.' was all Jimmy could think of.

    This time around Jimmy was exiting the house, and brave silence encircled him. No more loneliness, nor vulnerability, nor being cheated by people; he was taken through the impossible, than through the possible, then through the impossible again.
    w.riter you have the bare bones of a story here which is an amazing thing. However as you can see from my additions in red it has a long way to go yet. However I look forward to it being rewritten as all stories are before they are finished.

  7. #7
    Quote Originally Posted by Aleph01 View Post
    As an aside, is there any particular reason why some authors use " and others use ' to start/end dialogue? As long as the use within the narrative is consistent it doesn't phase me, I'm just curious as to why some authors do it one way, and others another. Edit: only asking cos I bought the subject of quotation marks up
    Yes, the particular reason is that the first form - "..." - is American English and the other - '...' - is British English. Australian English doesn't discriminate and can use either.


    >> w.riter - I won't go through the piece point by point because that would be disheartening, for both of us.

    What you have posted are superficial scraps of an idea that's a two-panel scene in your head. With work, it could be an interesting little children's story about facing fears. If you are aiming at an older readership, then you will need to up the game quite a few notches.

    I don't know enough about you as a writer to suggest how best to challenge or encourage you to develop your scene-building and storytelling.
    "I don't know ... I'm making it up as I go ..." - Dr I Jones

    Nature abhors perfection - cats abhor a vacuum!

    "Faith can move mountains - she's a big girl!" (unknown/graffiti)

    If I act like I own the place, it's because I do.





Bookmarks

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
  •