Timewine


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Thread: Timewine

  1. #1

    Timewine

    I am into screenwriting and did a short film screenplay, which me and some other aspiring filmmakers will make into a short film. I was just wondering how it is, and if anything can be improved. The format gets lost, as I copy and paste it into here, but tried to reformat it. Let me know what you think. Thank you very much. I really appreciate it!

    INT. BOSS'S OFFICE - DAY

    JOHN (30) stands by the door.

    His BOSS (50) sits at a desk -- sees John --

    BOSS
    John. C'mon in.

    John comes all the way in -- the boss hands him a file.

    BOSS (CONT'D)
    You know the local wine company
    Timewines?

    JOHN
    I'm not much of a wine guy.

    BOSS
    They're producing an exceptionally
    large number of aged wines, going
    back to the early 1900s so far.
    John looks at the file.

    BOSS (CONT'D)
    They advertise their wine as aged
    authentically. Not through any
    artificial process. But the number
    of old wines they are selling is
    questionable.

    JOHN
    You expect fraud of course.
    BOSS
    Of course.

    JOHN
    Why do you give me these cases.
    It's a victimless crime. Who cares
    if customers pay ludicrous amounts
    for wine however it's aged?

    INT. WINE VINEYARD INVENTORY BUILDING - DAY

    BOSS (V.O.)
    I need you on this. You're my best
    man.
    John walks past shelves of wine. Takes notes. He's being
    shown the way, by STERLING, 50s, a hard-looking man --

    STERLING
    Wine is my life. My company literally
    has the best of the best. Have a
    look at those records and inventory.

    INT. FILE RECORDS ROOM - DAY
    John searches through records in a file cabinet --
    Sterling comes with HENCHMAN 1, 30s.

    STERLING
    How's it coming?

    JOHN
    I'll be out of your hair soon.
    Sterling closes the door --

    STERLING
    I know you found something.
    (pause)
    How much would it cost?

    JOHN
    What? How much?

    STERLING
    To keep this quiet. I can't afford
    to have this come out, and I can pay
    quite well.

    John turns his head. Thinks for a moment.

    JOHN
    Well as tempted as I am, I can't
    take your money. My reports won't
    match, and an investigation will
    just start all over again.

    STERLING
    (sighs deeply)
    I see.
    Sterling opens the door, gestures to someone outside --

    HENCHMAN 2 comes in -- grabs John's arms.
    Sterling snaps his fingers --
    Henchman 1 pulls out a pistol --

    JOHN
    What the hell?

    STERLING
    I'm sorry, but I have no choice --

    John gapes at Sterling, then at each henchman --

    JOHN
    None of you look sorry!

    STERLING
    If you don't do what it takes to
    make this go away, you're dead --
    John sees this isn't an idle threat --

    JOHN
    Alright! I'll make it go away!
    Sterling nods to the two men -- they let John go. Step back.
    John opens the door to leave, scared.

    EXT. LONG HALLWAY - CONTINUOUS
    As John steps into the hallway, he runs --
    The two henchman run after him. They lose him.

    INT. ANOTHER BUILDING FLOOR - MOMENTS LATER

    Henchman 1, pistol out, looks for John.

    John jumps out of hiding -- attacks Henchman 1. John takes

    Henchman 1's gun -- disappears.

    Henchman 1 struggles to his feet. He talks on his cellphone.

    HENCHMAN 1
    I lost him.

    Sterling is on the other end of the phone --

    STERLING (V.O.)
    Find him. We don't want him finding
    out more.

    EXT. OUTSIDE WINE VINEYARD -- DAY
    John is hiding in the trees. Sees two of Sterling's MEN
    standing in a dug-out hole in the ground.

    One of them has a laptop with a USB cord plugged into it.

    The wire leads down into the hole. With a rope, they pull
    something out of the hole --

    A metal container of some sort, oddly shaped, with a
    machinelike appearance. The USB cord is plugged into it.

    They open the container. Pull out wine bottles, with the
    company brand label on them. The bottles look old and dusty.

    They put new bottles of wine into the container, seal it
    shut.

    They lower the container back into the hole.

    The man with the laptop hits some buttons and rays of light
    emanate from the container, out of the hole. They then pull
    the container back out of the hole, and open it.

    Henchman 1 comes over to the men --

    John ducks out of sight.

    HENCHMAN 1
    (to men)
    I tried calling you on the radio.

    MAN 1
    We get no signal out here with this
    thing in operation.

    HENCHMAN 1
    Don't let anyone see it. Someone's
    snooping around.

    MAN 1
    What? Well, what should I --

    HENCHMAN 1
    Just put it back in the hole.
    The henchman leaves --
    John comes out with a gun pointed at them --

    JOHN
    What is that thing?
    The two men move back.

    JOHN (CONT'D)
    Get down on ground now.

    The two men kneel on the grass.

    JOHN
    On your stomachs. Move and I'll shoot.

    They both do so --

    John looks at the laptop screen -- it reads Destination:
    1912.
    John looks at the wine bottles in the container -- old, dirty,
    and dusty. He bends down to the laptop. Touches the keyboard.

    JOHN (CONT'D)
    Is this... a time machine?

    STERLING (O.S.)
    Yes!

    John spins around --

    Sterling and Henchman 2 approach him from 50 feet away. Stop --

    STERLING (CONT'D)

    Yes, it's a time machine. Now you
    know why I can't let my secret get
    out. I'm not only ruined, but it
    could fall into worse hands.

    John doesn't know what to think. He gapes at Sterling. Then
    at the laptop. Then at the metal container --
    Sterling and Henchman 2 take a few steps closer --

    JOHN
    Stop, or I'll shoot some holes in
    your very special container --
    Sterling and Henchman 2 stop --
    John puts his hand on the keyboard -- switches the date to
    go back, to one day ago from now.

    STERLING
    No! If it goes back anywhere in the
    past while not buried, it will be
    discovered. It could alter history.
    John keeps his hand on the button while changing the date to
    time travel back, to one day ago.

    JOHN
    I want to get me out of here! I
    want you to call the police, or I'm
    sending this thing back.

    STERLING
    No, wait!
    Henchman 2 shoots John -- John hits the button and the
    container gets sent back in time --
    Henchman 2 is about to shoot John again.
    Sterling grabs Henchman 2's arm --

    STERLING (CONT'D)
    No!
    John sees the gun fire at him just before everything goes
    black --
    .
    DAYS EARLIER:

    INT. BOSS'S OFFICE - DAY
    John stands at the door (just like he did in scene 1).
    His boss sits at his desk -- sees John --

    BOSS
    John. C'mon in.
    John comes all the way in -- the boss hands him a file.

    BOSS (CONT'D)
    You know the wine company Timewines?

    JOHN
    I'm not much of a wine guy.

    BOSS
    They're producing an exceptionally
    large number of aged wines, going
    back to the early 1900s so far.
    John looks at the file.

    BOSS (CONT'D)
    They advertise their wine as aged
    authentically. Not through any
    artificial process. But the number
    of old wines they are selling is
    questionable.

    JOHN
    You expect fraud of course.
    The boss's phone on his desk RINGS.

    BOSS
    Of course. Hold on a sec.
    (answers phone)
    Yes?
    (pause)
    What?
    (pause)
    You're kidding me.
    John stands there -- a puzzled look on his face --

    BOSS (CONT'D)
    Okay, thanks, I'll call you back.
    The boss hangs up -- types on his computer keyboard.

    JOHN
    What is it?

    BOSS
    You're not gonna believe this. The
    Timewines President... His wine is
    actually really aged. He's been using
    a time machine to age it.
    It's all over the news.

    JOHN
    What?
    The boss gestures to his computer monitor.

    BOSS
    Check this out.
    John steps over to look at the computer --
    Sterling is in his office, talking into news camera.

    ON THE MONITOR:

    STERLING
    Yes it's true, I've been using a
    time machine to age my wine. But the
    wine is all real. That's what's so
    good about it. That we use time travel
    will guarantee you the best wine as
    of 100 old so far. And we have a lot
    more of it compared to many companies
    in the world, because of time travel.

    REPORTER (O.S.)
    But now that the time machine has
    been discovered, will you be able to
    continue using it?

    STERLING
    The time machine was discovered by
    authorities, because it was sent
    back in time, from tomorrow. All I
    have to do is wait till tomorrow and
    then, and then make sure it doesn't
    get sent... You know, this whole
    timeline is going to be erased anyway
    by tomorrow, and today will not even
    have happened, so it's not even worth
    talking about! Just get the hell
    out!
    The camera point-of-view turns away from him, as John and
    his boss watch.

    JOHN
    Alright, he's obviously crazy.

    BOSS
    No, seriously, it turns out the time
    traveling is real, and they even
    brought in an expert to varify it.

    JOHN
    (sighs, thinks)
    Well I guess we'll just have to wait
    till tomorrow then, to see if today
    will even happen. C'mon, I'll buy
    you a drink.

    BOSS
    Yeah?
    As the boss walks to the door with John.

    JOHN
    Let's try a bottle of that Timewines
    while we still can.

    CUT TO BLACK. THE END.

  2. #2
    Hi there ironpony,

    I think this is decent work - I'm not an expert on script writing, but I've seen a few and you seem to have the form down correctly. The idea of using a time machine to age wine is rather clever, and not one that I've seen before.

    A few potential issues did strike me.

    - The boss's line of "you're my best man" is a little cliched.

    - I wasn't clear on why Sterling felt the need to bribe and threaten John; perhaps you should specify what it is that he thinks John found? Or was he just being paranoid?

    - John makes a run for it while a henchman has a gun trained on him. Wouldn't he just get shot?

    HC

  3. #3
    Okay thanks. I can rewrite the gun part easily. However, does the reader need to know what John found or can the reader just figure it out for themselves. Basically what John found was records of there being too much wine that the company would not realistically have... so it's fraud. That is what John found, but couldn't the reader figure that out?

  4. #4
    Ah, well I didn't figure it out, but your audience may be a bit sharper than me!

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