Two Lovers

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  1. #1

    Two Lovers

    Exchanging kisses, holding each other by the hand and lovingly stopping here and there, Neil and Alice were taking their time while making their way up the Big Mouth Mountain. They felt as if nothing could stop them; the source of their strength was in their solitude.
    They spotted the shiny pond a few hundred of yards away, in the direction they were heading. No one could have described the beauty of the scenery to them better than their own eyes; the pond was described as the ulimate hideaway for the enamored ones, for the ones who would wish a second to become a millenium.
    A small waterfall fed the pond, giving it life. The magic was there and the couple began to undress each other, as if they were thirsty for each other's body.

    Just before their imerging into the water, they took a deep kiss thus tasting the scent of their bodies. Gratefully, little by little, step by step, they were simultaneously nearing the small pond's waterfall. In their swannes their looked like amorous half humans.

    ''Believe this, Neil...'' purred Alice, ''All I want is for these real moments to become eternity...'' whispered Alice into Neil's ear, while yearning for solitude.

    ''I couldn't be more convinced that this pond has been created for our solitude only...!'' answered Neil, with her breast in his magnetic hand. They had been lovers for several months now and enjoyed every bit of it. These summer months were fulfilled with starry sleepless nights of pleasure; they got to know each other perfectly.

    Alice caressed his hairy chest in a very particular way. She enjoyed her caressing now even more, as her lover's chest was wet.

    Alice's breasts were firm, Neil could tell. And her hair curly. ''She's curly all over the place... Gosh, am I a lucky guy...she's all mine. Body and mind...''

    ''You're mine...!'' answered Alice to his caressing. In that moment of time, they forgot about everything around them. Everything which brought their souls together there.
    But, was love in a first place, or was their love to be overshadowed by Neil's job? He was a stock broker.

    ''Honey, stop, st...ooop...'' whispered he in her ear, trying to get a word in the sensual edgeways. ''I have to go now... God knows I would like to take this experience even further, but my damned cell phone's ringing.''

    His strong arms tightened as he was taking her out of the pond.

    He put her in the back seat. ''You'll dress up as we go.'' said Neil giving her her panties and bra. He had already put his jeans and shirt on, and started the car. The car took off. Neil began to speed up; this was his way of air-drying his beautiful black hair.

    The couple lived not that far away from the paradise's pond. Their neighborhood was filled with young couples who were their friends. And these friends were lucky, for their neighbors were Neil and Alice.
    They met each other at such a party; the giddy Joanne had promissed herself that she would make a couple out of them.
    So, one beautiful sunny day, late in the month of July, she threw a party. Yet, this was not just any party. This was a party that her match-making heart desired.

    To be continued...
    Last edited by w.riter; May 26th, 2017 at 09:39 AM.

  2. #2
    Wɾʇ∩9 bdcharles's Avatar
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    Hi,

    Edits and suggestions below:

    Exchanging kisses, holding each other by the hand and lovingly stopping here and there, Neil and Alice were taking their time while making their way up the Big Mouth Mountain. They felt as if nothing could stop them; the source of their strength was in their solitude.


    Nothing wrong with the writing here, but I do feel it could use a little more externality. Describe the mountain as N & A move up it. Maybe N picks a flower and hands it to her. Think body language; what would two lovers do, how would they walk and what would they interact with? Think also about picking more powerful verbs; "making their way" is a little ... beige? That's a tricky one because walking is quite a slow activity so how else can it be depicted? In terms of passing scenery perhaps, and little time markers; eg:

    Exchanging kisses, holding each other by the hand and lovingly stopping here and there, Neil and Alice were taking their time among the begonias that carpeted the lower slopes of the Big Mouth Mountain. They felt as if nothing could stop them; the source of their strength, Neil mused as he leant into the gradient now dotted with pretty blue-flowering shrubs, was in their solitude.
    So there, I had N&A at the lower slopes amid some flowers - so we get the "start" of their walk (lower slopes), active descrition (N&A by the flowers), then motion evidenced by the changing scenery (the increasing gradient, the different foliage) - without having to resort to more prosaic verbs like "walked", instead being able to rely on "leaning into the gradient". It just makes it a bit more - interesting to read, I guess? Just something to think about anyway.



    They spotted the shiny pond a few hundred of yards away, in the direction they were heading. No one could have described the beauty of the scenery to them better than their own eyes; the pond was described as the ulimate hideaway for the enamored ones, for the ones who would wish a second to become a millenium.
    A small waterfall fed the pond, giving it life. The magic was there and the couple began to undress each other, as if they were thirsty for each other's body.
    Okay, one thing here is that you say "no-one could have described" and then you promptly describe it! Personally I like it when writers can, and do, describe stuff (that is, after all, the essence of their job) so have a go - I want to see that scenery. Go all out. Use images, senses, interaction, inner thoughts, every trick in the bag to take me to that mountainside. Your addition ofd "giving it life" is a nice touch in that vein.


    Just before their imerging into the water, they took a deep kiss thus tasting the scent of their bodies. Gratefully, little by little, step by step, they were simultaneously nearing the small pond's waterfall. In their swannes their looked like amorous half humans.
    Sorry, what are "swannes"? Do you mean "swans"? I couldn't quite grasp that sentence in general. I think there is a "their" too many there (and maybe it should be a there!) You can probably cut the word "thus" because it doesn't really mean anything that we can't already infer from the sequence of events around it. Free up that space for more load-lifting prose. It's a good image though, as swans are graceful animals, and this helps contextualise N&A nicely.


    ''Believe this, Neil...'' purred Alice, ''All I want is for these real moments to become eternity...'' whispered Alice into Neil's ear, while yearning for solitude.


    Ok here we can discuss point of view and what's called psychic distance. Point of view: who are we? Who do you want readers to identify with and care about? Who are you when you write this? Alice? If so, then using psychic distance we can ask: would she actively experience herself as "yearning for solitude" or would she experience a train of thoughts typical of such a yearning? Eg:

    ''Believe this, Neil...'' purred Alice, ''All I want is for these real moments to become eternity...'' whispered Alice into Neil's ear. The chippup of a lone cricked seemed to underscore their perfect solutide, and she smiled, twirling a curl of his hair round one delicate finger.


    Or some thing. Again, don't forget body language. You can really convey alot with it without having to explain up front that she is "yearning". You are the puppet master here; yank her strings & make her do yearny things It's also good not to switch point of view too much because otherwise the characters seem less deep and harder to buy into.

    ''I couldn't be more convinced that this pond has been created for our solitude only...!'' answered Neil, with her breast in his magnetic hand. They had been lovers for several months now and enjoyed every bit of it. These summer months were fulfilled with starry sleepless nights of pleasure; they got to know each other perfectly.
    Brave choice, describing Neil's hand as magnetic. Personally I am having to rethink my picture of him as some sort of Iron-Man X man type "Starry sleepless night of pleasure" thought - that's very good, perfectly on-genre

    Alice caressed his hairy chest in a very particular way. She enjoyed her caressing now even more, as her lover's chest was wet.

    Alice's breasts were firm, Neil could tell. [<- are we switching pont of view here? Do we need Neil's perception?] And her hair curly. ''She's curly all over the place... Gosh, am I a lucky guy...she's all mine. Body and mind...''

    ''You're mine...!'' answered Alice to his caressing. In that moment of time, they forgot about everything around them. Everything which brought their souls together there.
    But, was love in a first place, or was their love to be overshadowed by Neil's job? He was a stock broker.
    Ohh, way to kill the passion! Can this not be mentioned earlier, in some subtle way, like as part of their walk upslope, he can be glad to not be busily stockbroking away at his desk. Otherwise it is a bit of an unwelcome infodump at the wrong moment. I understand he is in fact interrupted here but just use the sound of the phone to do that. We can also then be in a state of semi-nervous expectation throughout, that his work will intrude on this hillside idyll.

    ''Honey, stop, st...ooop...'' whispered he in her ear, trying to get a word in the sensual edgeways.
    [<- I don't quite understand that phrase "sensual edgeways" - though I do rather like it. Just thought I'd mention it] ''I have to go now... God knows I would like to take this experience even further, but my damned cell phone's ringing.''

    His strong arms tightened as he was taking
    [<- why "was taking". Why not "took"? Or "lifted"? It is a way to control the pace and flow of the piece. Every detail, every word choice matters] her out of the pond.

    He put her in the back seat. ''You'll dress up as we go.'' said Neil giving her her panties and bra. He had already put his jeans and shirt on, and started the car. The car took off. Neil began to speed up; this was his way of air-drying his beautiful black hair.
    Just an aside; I am getting a sense of Neil here as a bit controlling, a bit Patrick Bateman, with his lustrous obsidian locks and his fast car. "You'll dress as we go." Oh really? You say that to one of the women round this way, you're apt to lose teeth


    The couple lived not that far away from the paradise's pond. Their neighborhood was filled with young couples who were their friends. And these friends were lucky, for their neighbors were Neil and Alice.
    They met each other at such a party; the giddy Joanne had promissed herself that she would make a couple out of them.
    So, one beautiful sunny day, late in the month of July, she threw a party. Yet, this was not just any party. This was a party that her match-making heart desired.
    This is a bit of a time displacement. We were whizzing off back to Neil's precious stocks and shares and suddenly we're months ago? Can this info not be fed in alongside their walk. If you do it that it will not only help build out the characters but also help you manage the flow of time, should you want to.

    Okay, that is all I have for now. Hope it helps. Lemme know if you're not sure of anything.


    Hidden Content Monthly Fiction Challenge


    Beauty is nothing but the beginning of terror which we are barely able to endure, and are awed,
    because it serenely disdains to annihilate us.
    - Rainer Maria Rilke, "Elegy I"

    *

    Is this fire, or is this mask?
    It's the Mantasy!
    - Anonymous

    *

    C'mon everybody, don't need this crap.
    - Wham!





  3. #3
    Exchanging kisses, holding each other by the hand and lovingly stopping here and there, Neil and Alice were taking their time while making their way up the Big Mouth Mountain. They felt as if nothing could stop them; the source of their strength was in their solitude.
    Compare those 47 words to:

    Zack Martin woke to the proximity alert’s warble, muttering curses. The tone pattern said a unauthorized craft was maneuvering in near-Earth orbit, close enough to the transfer station that they posed a potential threat.

    Releasing the sleepnet’s security latches, he pushed off for the control station, calling, “What’s going on, Zelda?”


    It's four words longer than your opening, but look what the reader knows at the end:

    • Our protagonist is by name.
    • He's aboard something called a transfer station, in orbit around Earth, and presumably someone tasked with responding to emergencies.
    • The story takes place in the future.
    • He's in a zero-G environment, and sleeps in some kind of netting arrangement that keeps him from floating around the ship.
    • We know the problem he faces.
    • He's not frightened, he's annoyed, so he feels he can handle it. So, we've had a bit of character development, and know how he feels, and why, at the opening of the story. And we know by his actions, not as a report presented by someone neither in the story nor on the station.
    • He has help from someone named Zelda, who is able to hear him and respond without him having to switch anything on or take special action.
    • What we know is learned in real-time, moment-by-moment, as the protagonist notices and reacts to events he notices and responds to.

    So, fifty-one words and the reader has context for what's going on, and, has been made to wonder "what's going on?" without the narrator having to appear on stage and explain.

    Contrast that to what we learn with the first forty-seven words of this story:

    • Two people of unknown age are kissing and holding each-other in some unknown way, because of unknown past together. But we learn what they're doing before we learn their names. So as presented, there is no context. And, it's told as a synopsis, in the words of someone talking about them, not in the way they live the scene.
    • We know that they're walking up a mountain in an unknown location, in an unknown era, toward an unknown destination, for unknown reasons. And we learn where they are, in general after we learn that they're stopping "here and there."
    • We are told how they feel, without knowing why or how it matters, which is a report, not story.
    • We learn that what strength they have is the result of being alone. But we don't know what the term "strength" relates to. So the line provides little.

    In short, while you know what's going on, the customer learns nothing that provides context, or a reason to want to know more.
    So an unknown person, without emotion in their voice is talking to the reader, in general, about unknown people: Telling, in other words, when they could, be showing.

    I know you're working hard on this. That's not in question. Nor is your dedication and intent. But you're missing some important tools, so your schooldays writing habits slip into "explain the situation to the reader" mode. And because of that, it "reads okay," when you edit.

    Unfortunately, there is only one fix for it, which is to work to become proficient in the tricks the pros use. And that takes time, practice, and study. Take a look at this article. Chew on it, think about it, and kweep at it till it makes sense. Then look at how applying it to your story would change it. I think you'll find that the change will be dramatic, and read a lot more realistically.

  4. #4
    Quote Originally Posted by Jay Greenstein View Post
    Compare those 47 words to:

    Zack Martin woke to the proximity alert’s warble, muttering curses. The tone pattern said a unauthorized craft was maneuvering in near-Earth orbit, close enough to the transfer station that they posed a potential threat.

    Releasing the sleepnet’s security latches, he pushed off for the control station, calling, “What’s going on, Zelda?”


    It's four words longer than your opening, but look what the reader knows at the end:

    • Our protagonist is by name.
    • He's aboard something called a transfer station, in orbit around Earth, and presumably someone tasked with responding to emergencies.
    • The story takes place in the future.
    • He's in a zero-G environment, and sleeps in some kind of netting arrangement that keeps him from floating around the ship.
    • We know the problem he faces.
    • He's not frightened, he's annoyed, so he feels he can handle it. So, we've had a bit of character development, and know how he feels, and why, at the opening of the story. And we know by his actions, not as a report presented by someone neither in the story nor on the station.
    • He has help from someone named Zelda, who is able to hear him and respond without him having to switch anything on or take special action.
    • What we know is learned in real-time, moment-by-moment, as the protagonist notices and reacts to events he notices and responds to.

    So, fifty-one words and the reader has context for what's going on, and, has been made to wonder "what's going on?" without the narrator having to appear on stage and explain.

    Contrast that to what we learn with the first forty-seven words of this story:

    • Two people of unknown age are kissing and holding each-other in some unknown way, because of unknown past together. But we learn what they're doing before we learn their names. So as presented, there is no context. And, it's told as a synopsis, in the words of someone talking about them, not in the way they live the scene.
    • We know that they're walking up a mountain in an unknown location, in an unknown era, toward an unknown destination, for unknown reasons. And we learn where they are, in general after we learn that they're stopping "here and there."
    • We are told how they feel, without knowing why or how it matters, which is a report, not story.
    • We learn that what strength they have is the result of being alone. But we don't know what the term "strength" relates to. So the line provides little.

    In short, while you know what's going on, the customer learns nothing that provides context, or a reason to want to know more.
    So an unknown person, without emotion in their voice is talking to the reader, in general, about unknown people: Telling, in other words, when they could, be showing.

    I know you're working hard on this. That's not in question. Nor is your dedication and intent. But you're missing some important tools, so your schooldays writing habits slip into "explain the situation to the reader" mode. And because of that, it "reads okay," when you edit.

    Unfortunately, there is only one fix for it, which is to work to become proficient in the tricks the pros use. And that takes time, practice, and study. Take a look at this article. Chew on it, think about it, and kweep at it till it makes sense. Then look at how applying it to your story would change it. I think you'll find that the change will be dramatic, and read a lot more realistically.
    Thank you very much for the link! I still haven't read the contents of it, but I'd still like to ask you the following: doesn't genre play any role in showing and telling? Meaning, people who tend to read romance do have a more developed intuition, don't they?

  5. #5
    doesn't genre play any role in showing and telling?
    Think about it. Which would you rather have: a) someone you can neither see nor hear, handing you a summation of fictional events? b) Experiencing story in real-time, being made to feel as if you are on the scene so realistically that in really intense scenes the reader may have to stop and catch their breath? Does genre really play a role in that?

    Story isn't what happens. That's the progression of the plot. Story lies in the protagonist's struggle, and how they react to adversity. Story is the character agonizing over what to do, and being made to change and grow, against their will. Story lives.

    History books are filled with intrigue, betrayal, romance, and adventure. But they're reported. They inform, they don't entertain. They're fact-based. That sig line under my posts says it all. The reader wants to experience the adventure, not learn the history of a fictional character. They need focus not overview and summation. Here's something Dwight Swain says in his book, Techniques of the Selling Writer. The italics are mine:
    Every story deals with a specific instance: this girl, that boy, the murder down the block, old Mrs. Martin’s death, the wifeswapping of those couples out on Little River. A story that attempts to stay at the level of generality is both impossible and a self-contradiction.

    But no matter how specific you get; no matter how tightly you nail your topic down, the data have no meaning until you find a yardstick-a standard by which to measure and, above all, evaluate them.

    Because we’re men, humans, we consider each phenomenon that touches us in terms of its immediate and/or ultimate effect on man.

    Opinion as to what constitutes man’s welfare varies markedly from time to time and place to place, however. St. Augustine hews to one line, Adolf Hitler to another. And as for Norman Mailer—!

    In the case of our rainstorm, are we to view it through the eyes and feelings of carnival owner or farmer? Power-company trouble-shooter or umbrella salesman? Housewife-with-a-batch-of-clean-clothes-to-hang-out, or housewifelooking-for-an-excuse-not-to-wash-today? The issue is never the event itself; never what happens. A thing matters only insofar as it relates to and affects and is judged by people. Meaning and significance are virtual synonyms in this context. We decide how significant a thing is by the way a particular somebody behaves when faced with a specific instance.

    In other words, a thing isn’t just significant. It’s significant to somebody.
    And that's where I see a problem in your story. In the example I gave from my WIP, the alarm is significant to the protagonist, and influences his actions. In your story, there's no person who finds anything significant, because an external voice is describing, reporting and explaining.

    There's a lot to writing fiction for the page that's not obvious, any more than in any other field. In our school days not one tells us what questions a reader wants addressed on entering a scene are, so we don't address them. No one tells us what a scene-goal does for us, or how to handle dialog. So we guess. Aren't you glad your doctor didn't try to practice medicine by using the skills we learned in the health classes—or whatever they call them these days? I know, because I tried, and it was ugly. My first three patients came in, told me their problem, and I no sooner put the blood pressure cuff around there necks and pumped it up then they died on me. Just like that. And I wasn't prepared for whatever had gone wrong with them. That's why, when I turned to writing, I decided to do a bit of study.

    For why a strong viewpoint is necessary, I wrote two articles on the subject, A Mirror for the Mind, and Inside out. Site rules say I can't link to my own articles in a post, but I'm sure you can find them, and they may clarify.

    Hope this helps.

  6. #6
    Well, you asked me to review this, and I guess I will since I have nothing better to do right now. It's late at night so I won't be holding back on this tbh, it's to late for me to care.





    Exchanging kisses, holding each other by the hand and lovingly stopping here and there [Here and where? It is never explained. Why are they stopping? What is the point of them stopping? There is no point.], Neil and Alice were taking their time while making their way up the Big Mouth Mountain. [Why the name "Big Mouth Mountain"? Why not Chicita? Or like Zazu? Or any realish sounding name for a mountain? Big Mouth Mountain makes no sense at all.] They felt as if nothing could stop them; the source of their strength was in their solitude.

    They spotted the shiny pond a few hundred of yards away, in the direction they were heading. No one could have described [This to me is a cop out. No wait, I just read on; you do describe it. Why? Why the hell do you say "This pond? Yea, it's indescribable, here it's so indescribable that I will describe it to you. Like... What?] the beauty of the scenery to them better than their own eyes; the pond was described as the ulimate [One of a few spelling errors; should be ultimate, I'll mark these in blue] hideaway for the enamored ones, for the ones who would wish a second to become a millennium. [Holy hell... this is a long sentence. A semicolon isn't a full break, it is 41 words long to describe "indescribable beauty" shorten it. It's way to long, you haven't properly set up a sentence of this size]
    A small waterfall fed the pond, giving it life. The magic was there and the couple began to undress each other, as if they were thirsty for each other's body. [My body twisted at the delivery of this line. Like my toes flew up to the base of the neck I cringed so hard. This isn't romantic, a "they caressed each other as Neil helped his lover out of her sundress or some shit" is romantic. "They undressed due to their ravenous thirst for each other's BODY" ain't romantic, it's creepy.

    Just before their emerging into the water, they took a deep kiss thus tasting the scent of their bodies. [The hell is this sentence? "Just before their emerging into the water?" "They took a deep kiss thus tasting the scent of their bodies. Okay... Dr. Ptolemy on the scene, time for some prime sentence surgery. First off, you can't "taste" a smell, you can smell a smell, I know what you were going for, taste is the wrong word. Second off, what are you trying to convey here? They kissed each other before jumpin' in the pond. This is what the sentence should say with the correct grammar rules: Before they entered the pond, the couple shared a deep (french?) kiss, thus (I really don't know) their affection for each other. Now yea, this sentence makes no sense. Just have them share a kiss, then enter the pond, don't establish the pond entering till the next sentence. Gratefully [The word you are looking for is "Gradually" not "Gratefully", little by little, step by step [These actions are all insinuated by the use of "Gradually", they were simultaneously nearing the small pond's waterfall. In their swannes their looked like amorous half humans. [I've really be trying to avoid the F-bomb, but seriously. F***ing seriously. "In their swannes their looked like amorous half humans." THE HELL IS THIS? WHAT DOES THIS MEAN? Listen, I think last crit I said:Amorous is "Showing feelings of sexual desire, meaning "the" isn't needed. Dance of amorous, is just fine. You basically just buried this advice alive, then danced on it's grave. This is my translation: In their relaxed and irresponsible way (That's what "Swan" means) their looked at each other with some sexual desire. Like jfc. I can barely read this, and you expect me to understand it? I shouldn't have to pry to read what you are trying to convey. This is a romantic story, now I'm no Fabio, but romance needs to flow. This flows like sandpaper. It's coarse, rough, has sharp edges. The grammar is subpar, there is no romantic atmosphere, there is no tone. It's a jumble of words, it's all a bunch of words.]

    ''Believe this, Neil...'' purred Alice, ''All I want is for these real moments to become eternity...'' whispered Alice into Neil's ear, while yearning for solitude. [I just want to pass out. Listen, I'm not in the best mood, so maybe I'm not in the best condition to be commenting on this. I'm coming down with some sort of cold, I feel tired, weak etc. I'm on the last of my pain meds for my meniscus so I'm drugged out of my mind. But come on. I do not need to be sober to see how forced this line is. "All I want is for these moments to last forever Neil." Like come on Alice. Not to mention that "purring" and "whispering" are essentially the same thing, so restating it is next to pointless. Aren't they already in solitude too? I mean they are skinny dipping in a pond on a mountain. Like if that ain't solitude I don't know what is.]

    ''I couldn't be more convinced that this pond has been created for our solitude only...!'' answered Neil, with her breast in his magnetic hand. [God damn man. "With her breast in his magnetic hand. I mean it's not the weakest metaphor you use, but really, it's so forced. It isn't romantic. Literally I pictured some dude firmly grasping a tit, that's what "magnetic" implies. A firm grasp. Now with my extensive knowledge with woman, they usually do not like having their breast firmly grasped like a magnet, but that is just my experience. I also totally forgot to comment on how bad the dialogue is. How is this romantic. It's like two text-to-speech bots got loose and decided to skinny dip in a pond. They have no voice, no passion. Passion is a necessity in romance. Without passion you just have text on a page.) They had been lovers for several months now and enjoyed every bit of it. These summer months were fulfilled with starry sleepless nights of pleasure; they got to know each other perfectly. [Forced exposition that could easily be placed in dialogue.]

    Alice caressed his hairy chest in a very particular way. She enjoyed her caressing now even more, as her lover's chest was wet. [I think I threw up a bit in my mouth. Listen, I feel like I'm being to hard on this. I really do. But c'mon. This isn't romantic. "her lover's chest was wet" Yea, no shit sherlock. They're in a pond, a small body of water . I mean Jesus Christ."

    Alice's breasts were firm, Neil could tell [With that iron man grip, I bet he could.] . And her hair curly [That's it? Is she a redhead? Blonde? Brunette? Short? Long? Medium? Okay. This is Alice's character: She's got a nice rack and she's got curly hair. Dream Girl I guess. Jesus Christ v2] ''She's curly all over the place [Oh my god. Oh my freaking god. "She's curly all over the place?" What? Like I can't give any constructive advice here. I have nothing to work on, is he turned on by curls? Why are the curls the important part? ... Gosh, am I a lucky guy...she's all mine. Body and mind...'' [Is he saying this aloud? "Gosh babe, you're so curly! I am so lucky to have your mind and body! Babe! You're SO HOT." At first, I assumed he like said that aloud, who says something like this aloud? This is an internal thought, not a run of the mill comment on your lover.]

    ''You're mine...!'' answered Alice to his caressing. [Wait. She heard that? So he did say it aloud? Jesus Christ v3] In that moment of time, they forgot about everything around them. Everything which brought their souls together there.
    But, was love in a first place, or was their love to be overshadowed by Neil's job? [I had to take a break after this line. Literally, I'm not joking. I got up and took a walk down the street. It's 12 AM and I got up, tossed on some sweatpants, and a hoodie and went on a walk. I have never been so dumbfounded at a line in a story like I have with this one. What's with the rhetorical question? Why? WHY!? What does this have to do with anything? Is this the plot? Why is he even out there if it's in the middle of stock broking hours? GO OUT AFTER 4PM FOR YOUR SKINNY DIPPING DATE. I can't. I really can't. He was a stockbroker. [Jesus Christ v4]

    ''Honey, stop, st...ooop...'' whispered he in her ear, trying to get a word in the sensual edgeways. ''I have to go now... God knows I would like to take this experience even further, but my damned cell phone's ringing. [(...) Straight up. This is romance right? How is this story romantic at all outside of some very softcore nudity? There is nothing here that is making it romance. This sure as hell drives the wooden stake into the vampirical heart that is this being a romance story.]

    His strong arms tightened as he was taking her out of the pond.

    He put her in the back seat. ''You'll dress up as we go.'' said Neil giving her her panties and bra. He had already put his jeans and shirt on, and started the car. The car took off. Neil began to speed up; this was his way of air-drying his beautiful black hair. [I stopped caring at this point. Like I mean really. I don't expect professionally edited sentences, I just expect coherent sentences that eventually formulate into a plot. The thing is? There is no plot. Why is Alice not pissed? What is her reaction? Why is she okay with this? How is she okay with this? He basically blue balled her for the god damn stock market. I mean come on.]

    The couple lived not that far away from the paradise's pond. Their neighborhood was filled with young couples who were their friends. And these friends were lucky, for their neighbors were Neil and Alice.
    They met each other at such a party; the giddy Joanne had promised herself that she would make a couple out of them.
    So, one beautiful sunny day, late in the month of July, she threw a party. Yet, this was not just any party. This was a party that her match-making heart desired. [Telling stuff w/e I don't care at this point.]

    To be continued...
    I'm fading in and out of consciousness at this point, I'll set in a conclusion tomorrow with plot points, dialogue faults, and my overall thoughts.

    I just can't right now.

    I'm really sorry on fast it degraded, I just need to lay down.
    "He slides into second with a stand-up double." - Jerry Coleman
    "Yet today I consider myself the luckiest man on the face of this earth." - Lou Gehrig
    "After Jackie Robinson, the most important black in baseball history is Reggie Jackson." - Reggie Jackson
    "Your Holiness, I'm Joe Medwick. I, too, used to be a Cardinal." - Joe Medwick to Pope Pius XII
    "I think Tim Wakefield would even say tonight that Tim Wakefield got to Tim Wakefield tonight." - Tim McCarver

  7. #7
    Quote Originally Posted by Ptolemy View Post
    Well, you asked me to review this, and I guess I will since I have nothing better to do right now. It's late at night so I won't be holding back on this tbh, it's to late for me to care.





    I'm fading in and out of consciousness at this point, I'll set in a conclusion tomorrow with plot points, dialogue faults, and my overall thoughts.

    I just can't right now.

    I'm really sorry on fast it degraded, I just need to lay down.
    I'm aware that this piece is ''a bit'' ''prosaic'', or as you say, ''romance has to flow''. (As for the magnetic hand, it could mean that Neil has magnetic personality.)

    Thanks Ptolemy, get better soon!

    Still I feel a bit like a lost cause now Nah, just little kidding I'll keep on learning and writing and follow the pieces of advice I've been given on WF.

    I love WF people
    :uotburstofemotions:

    PS: I think I have good ideas here however so I'll keep this as a draft version.
    Last edited by w.riter; May 26th, 2017 at 09:34 AM.

  8. #8
    Wɾʇ∩9 bdcharles's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by w.riter View Post
    I'm aware that this piece is ''a bit'' ''prosaic'', or as you say, ''romance has to flow''. (As for the magnetic hand, it could mean that Neil has magnetic personality.)
    I think the challenge is to portray this magneticism rather than simply mention it. It's the difference between a man with a label over him saying "charismatic", and a man that exudes so much charisma that you just know. Think about the sort of person Neil is. Picture him; what does he wear? How does he stand? When he and Alice are walking up the mountain, how does his magnetic personality manifest in the way he walks? Take for example this paragraph:

    Exchanging kisses, holding each other by the hand and lovingly stopping here and there, Neil and Alice were taking their time while making their way up the Big Mouth Mountain. They felt as if nothing could stop them; the source of their strength was in their solitude.
    Here's an exercise: convey Neil's magnetism without changing the events here. All Neil is allowed to do is walk, hold Alice's hand, exchange a kiss, and stop - but you must make him do this in the sort of charismatic, magnetic way that you visualise. You can dip into his thoughts if you wish


    Over to you ...
    Last edited by bdcharles; May 26th, 2017 at 10:04 AM.


    Hidden Content Monthly Fiction Challenge


    Beauty is nothing but the beginning of terror which we are barely able to endure, and are awed,
    because it serenely disdains to annihilate us.
    - Rainer Maria Rilke, "Elegy I"

    *

    Is this fire, or is this mask?
    It's the Mantasy!
    - Anonymous

    *

    C'mon everybody, don't need this crap.
    - Wham!





  9. #9
    Quote Originally Posted by bdcharles View Post
    I think the challenge is to portray this magneticism rather than simply mention it. It's the difference between a man with a label over him saying "charismatic", and a man that exudes so much charisma that you just know. Think about the sort of person Neil is. Picture him; what does he wear? How does he stand? When he and Alice are walking up the mountain, how does his magnetic personality manifest in the way he walks? Take for example this paragraph:



    Here's an exercise: convey Neil's magnetism without changing the events here. All Neil is allowed to do is walk, hold Alice's hand, exchange a kiss, and stop - but you must make him do this in the sort of charismatic, magnetic way that you visualise. You can dip into his thoughts if you wish


    Over to you ...
    Hi bd,

    Could this be promissing?:

    The both felt as though it could have been a great day for them.''We might go hiking for a while, honey?'' Neal ended a phone call. On the other side was the thoughtful Alice. She just answered with a ''yes'' to Neils proposal to go hiking.
    ''Is he going to propose to me up in the hills and vineyards?'' thought Alice. A smile adorned her face.
    Alice and Neil have been loving friends for several months now. She fell in love with him. And, she felt like she knew his soul as no one else. She felt that this could be ''the day'' she had been waiting for months, and these months resembeled years.
    Last edited by w.riter; May 26th, 2017 at 10:24 AM.

  10. #10
    Wɾʇ∩9 bdcharles's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by w.riter View Post
    Hi bd,

    Could this be promissing?:

    The both felt as though it could have been a great day for them.''We might go hiking for a while, honey?'' Neal ended a phone call. On the other side was the thoughtful Alice. She just answered with a ''yes'' to Neils proposal to go hiking.
    ''Is he going to propose to me up in the hills and vineyards?'' thought Alice. A smile adorned her face.
    Alice and Neil have been loving friends for several months now. She fell in love with him. And, she felt like she knew his soul as no one else. She felt that this could be ''the day'' she had been waiting for months which resembeled years.

    Well, one of the key tricks of fiction is to make the story real for readers, rather than the way you might retell the incident to a friend. One way to do this is to in effect make us readers become a character. For instance, let's be Alice here. We perceive, with a few very minor scene setting exceptions, only what she does, think in the way she thinks, and cannot know things she doesn't. Sticking with the original events - the walk, the holding of hands, the brief pause, and only those things, let's try it. Here's the original:

    Exchanging kisses, holding each other by the hand and lovingly stopping here and there, Neil and Alice were taking their time while making their way up the Big Mouth Mountain. They felt as if nothing could stop them; the source of their strength was in their solitude.
    So first, break it down. What are the events? The kiss, the holding hands, the brief pauses in their walk, the walk itself. What are the props? The mountain, maybe a little nearby scenery. Who are the actors? Neil and Alice.

    Now let's go a bit deeper. What kind of person is Alice? What about Neil? What are their histories and personalities. Let's make Alice nice and gentle and Neil a bit dark and controlling (not sure why, but let's do that). We know Neil is a stockbroker so we can put that in somewhere - but carefully, subtly, so the moment doesn't become about his work - unless we want it to.

    Let's not be afraid of detail. If you want to highlight something, metaphors are a good way to do that though of course they must be relatable and comprehensible to your readership. Let's think about pace - their walk is slow and langorous so so must our writing be, which means we can take a little more time to depict their environs. Their environs will serve three purposes - one: to put some brakes on the narrative and slow their walk, to enrih their world, and to provide some props with which they can interact in a way that either shows character or some notable story element (perhaps one in the future). All this must be done without the reader cottoning on. We must be the author, the authority, the one in control.


    Neil's warm mouth brushed Alice's cheek, soft and powerful like the stroke of a lion against its cub, and she thought to herself how lucky she was, to have caught the eye of this successful stockbroker, this fearless skydiver, this community pillar with his large social following and his hair of flowing obsidian. Something in her fluttered and she carressed his arm.

    Suddenly he stopped, and squatted, plucking something from a green gap between two sharp rocks of the sort that proliferated these lower slopes of Big Mouth Mountain.

    "A flower - a bluebonnet, if I'm not mistaken," he said, taking her hand and pressing it down into her palm. "For you."

    Just her - and him. The solutide, the blue sky above, dotted with wheeling birds - all of it was purest heaven.
    So there I have tried to keep the original events at an appropraite speed, adding nothing new but going into greater detail for each one. I've tried to show things through Alice's filter of perception. You want Alice to be thoughtful, so - Alikazam! - I gave her some thoughts. I've tried to depict Neil as a certain type of person, with a little of his history but not too much, and I added some little bits of scenery and interior monologue that is supposed to (can't say if it does or not) somehow illustrate their relationship; he is a powerful lion or a sharp rock, she is a little bluebonnet, and above them birds wheel. Because: why would birds wheel? They're a bit of a symbol of doom aren't they, as if something has died down there, so it is supposed to kind of introduce a little bit of uncertainty - without stating it outright but via the medium of scenery. And I chose these things not randomly but to highlight precisely this stuff (though of course they have to be relevant; I wouldn't actually put a lion nearby because that would be pretty daft, right?) Yet nowhere have I mentioned anything about how they should feel. I have tried to simply create the conditions that will make the readers feel it.

    Hope this helps.


    Hidden Content Monthly Fiction Challenge


    Beauty is nothing but the beginning of terror which we are barely able to endure, and are awed,
    because it serenely disdains to annihilate us.
    - Rainer Maria Rilke, "Elegy I"

    *

    Is this fire, or is this mask?
    It's the Mantasy!
    - Anonymous

    *

    C'mon everybody, don't need this crap.
    - Wham!





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