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  1. #31
    WF Veteran H.Brown's Avatar
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    Do all of your extracts add up to make a full story? Or are these just extracts that you keep writing? Just to give us all context as a the moment I keep getting confused as when you post I expect to see the next part in the story or at least a re-write of the previous piece that has been critiqued.
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  2. #32
    Quote Originally Posted by H.Brown View Post
    Do all of your extracts add up to make a full story? Or are these just extracts that you keep writing? Just to give us all context as a the moment I keep getting confused as when you post I expect to see the next part in the story or at least a re-write of the previous piece that has been critiqued.
    Oh, I see... I'm expecting that the very last piece will be a complete story of about 600 words. Sorry to all the readers who might have been expecting a complete story by now.

  3. #33
    WF Veteran H.Brown's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by w.riter View Post
    Sorry to all the readers who might have been expecting a complete story by now.
    I'm not expecting to see a complete story by now W, heck my own story isn't complete and I've been writing that for over a year now but thank you for clarifying this.
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  4. #34
    WF Veteran H.Brown's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by w.riter View Post
    If there was ever a happy guy on this planet, Jonnie would be that guy.

    ''I love kissing her'' The thought appeared in his mind, as his fingertips ran like rain drops through April's hair. ...as he ran his fingertips through April's hair.- Lose the raindrops as I feel that it takes away from the image rather than adding to it.

    ''Come on, Jonnie,'' April's smile shined through the sunny day the both of them were enjoying, ''We'll go to my dad's. There you'll ask him." How does April's smile shine through a sunny day this imagery contrasts with each other. Also is he end of his sentence a statement or question?

    ''I'm afraid of his 'No!' Jonnie's fingers abandoned her hair and found refuge in his jeans' pockets. "I'm afraid he'll say no." Is how I would have written this part, think of how people speak to you in real life and then translate that into your writing.

    ''You'll never know if you don't ask him, Jonnie!'' said April, lowering her head suddenly in desperation. Yet the advice she found in a songs lyrics(what song lyrics? At the moment this has no frame of referance and is just waffle that confuses the reader.) lifted her spirits. She lifted her head and said: ''Never give up, Jonnie... My dad ain't such a bad person." The reader will expect to see the song lyrics or if it is a well known song you can just mention the title of the song. Always remember that your writing should paint a picture that the reader can see in their head if something is missing it leaves an incomplete picture. Why does Jonnie need to be told this?

    Jonnie directed his eyes into hers and said: ''I forget - so too many times - just how often you're right." 'I would write this like: Jonnie looked directly into her eyes and said...

    ''There, you see... Things are never that dark...'"Things are never how dark? You need to have something that they can judge the darkness by.

    As they were approaching the car, their short fast strides were becoming faster.why? The Sun was immitating(how was it imitating?) their speed and finally found refuge behind the hills. The night was closing in. They entered the car and chose the silence. This whole sentence needs working on as it is confusing for the reader and interrupts any flow/pace that you have managed to create before.

    ''It's five o'clock Jonnie!'' said April after five minutes of silent meditation. ''He's in the cabin. He always returns from his summer time hunting at this time.'Where are they now? Is it the same location? Has time jumped?

    April's father, Jeremiah, was a rare animal. He led his life as unconventionally as possible. He was a passionate hunter, and would have chosen - if only he could - spending the remainder of his days hushed in a bed of grass waiting for the perfect deer. He was a trophy collector. A visitor to his home, to his cabin adorned with the trophies, and hidden deep in the woods of the Big Mouth Mountain, would be left stuttering at Jeremiah's deep voiced question: ''Well, how do you like my home?''

    And this was the thing that was pulling Jonnie into silence. ''How is a guy to live up to Jeremiah's standards? It's impossible. It's He's (not its) an extraordinary man.'' A whirlpool of these simple yet gruelling thoughts raged in Jonnie's mind. Time and time again.

    ''I can't do that, April... Your dad is ... well ... great.'' Can't do what?

    ''I am going to keep in my mind your promise, Jonnie. The promise you gave me just ten minutes ago ... So start this frigging car and let's go get the big bear.'' she kissed him on his right cheek.

    Jonnie was at a loss for words. Stunned. Yet his hands and feet started the car's engine and they drove off in the direction of the already set Sun.

    ''Dad?'' purred April to her father over the cell phone. ''We're coming. Yes, Jonnie has decided to talk to you... Yes, he's got guts...'' giggled April. ''I told him just how sweet and considerate a person you are... Did he buy it?'' April giggled some more. ''Yeah, he obviously did, his he's driving the car and his hands aren't shaking with fear. "Right, Jonnie?'' Jonnie changed to lower gear.
    So in this piece you leave the reader quite confused. Go back and look at it again as you could give more information in this scene. Overall I think that this could be a great scene as it shows how Jonnie is struggling with a dilemma to do with his love's father which is a real thing that some men struggle with in reality. With more work this could be great.
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  5. #35
    Chapter 1

    If there was ever a happy guy on this planet, Jonnie would be that guy.

    ''I love kissing her'' The thought appeared in his mind, as he ran his finger tips through April's hair.

    ''Come on, Jonnie,'' April's smile added sunshine to a nearing sunset, ''We'll go to my dad's. There you'll ask him."

    ''I'm afraid he'll say no.'' Jonnie's fingers abandoned her hair and found refuge in his jeans' pockets.

    ''You'll never know if you don't ask him, Jonnie!'' said April, lowering her head suddenly in desperation. She instantly remembered that she is Jonnie's anchor, so she lifted her head and said: ''Never give up, Jonnie... My dad ain't such a bad person. He only wants to get to know you. He just wants to know if you're a good hunter material.''


    Jonnie just stood there. She kissed him on the lips, and stretched her arms towards the sky. ''You're sweetness is so attractive'' reacted Jonnie.

    Then he looked directly in her eyes and said: ''I forget - so too many times - just how often you're right."

    ''There, you see... Things are never that gloomy... You'll always have me, Jonnie..."

    As they were approaching the car, for no real reason their short fast strides were becoming faster. The Sun was immitating their speed. It was drawing and erasing shadows on the ground. It finally found refuge behind the hills. The couple entered the car and chose the silence.

    ''It's six pm, Jonnie!'' April raised her voice after five minutes of silent meditation in the motionless vehicle. ''He's in the cabin. He always returns from his summer time hunting at this time.''

    April's father, Jeremiah, was a rare animal. He led his life as unconventionally as possible. He was a passionate hunter, and would have chosen - if only he could - spending the remainder of his days hushed in a bed of grass waiting for the perfect deer. He was a trophy collector. A visitor to his home, to his cabin adorned with the trophies, and hidden deep in the woods of the Big Mouth Mountain, would be left stuttering at Jeremiah's deep voiced question: ''Well, how do you like my home?''

    And this was the thing that was pulling Jonnie into silence. ''How is a guy to live up to Jeremiah's standards? It's impossible. He's an extraordinary man.'' A whirlpool of these simple yet anguishing thoughts moved in Jonnie's mind. Time and time again.

    ''I can't face him and ask him to be with you, April... Your dad is ... well ... grand.''

    ''I am going to keep in my mind your promise, Jonnie. The promise you gave me just ten minutes ago ... So start this frigging car and let's go get the big bear.'' she kissed him on his right cheek.

    Jonnie was at a loss for words. Stunned. Yet his hands and feet started the car's engine and they drove off in the direction of the already set Sun.

    As they were driving, April managed to get Jeremiah on the phone. 'Dad?'' purred April to her father over the cell phone. ''We're coming. Yes, Jonnie has decided to talk to you... Yes, he's got guts...'' giggled April. ''I told him just how sweet and considerate a man you are... Did he buy it?'' April giggled some more. ''Yeah, he obviously did, he's driving the car and his hands aren't shaking with fear.

    Right, Jonnie?'' Jonnie changed to lower gear.

    ''OK, see ya!'' April ended the little chat with her father, realizing that Jonnie drove the car to slow.

    ''Faster Jonnie, faster!'' April was encouraging him.

    ''Hey, I'm doing the best I can here...'' answered Jonnie. April was statisfied with his attitude. ''His voice tells me his spirits are gaining on determination.'' she thought. Besides her voice, her beautiful smile adorned her as well, giving her a certain erotic aura.

    As they were driving, a little something ran through her mind. ''Dad is waiting for us. Why not stop the car and make out for a while...? Eh...?'' she thought.

    ''Jonnie, stop the car, won't you, baby...?'' purred April. Jonnie knew what was to follow, and he needed not be told twice. The car stopped by the road.

    ''Turn off the lights, baby...'' asked she, and it was done.


    ''I love you...'' said April. She unzipped her jeans, and threw them carelessly on the back seat. All she wore now was her thong and a pink T-shirt. She was shaking with passion.

    ''I know you love me'' answered Jonnie. His jeans were getting tighter as blood was flowing to the organ April was after.

    Bestriding Jonnie's legs, she slowly moved to the driver's seat where Jonnie was. She started the rhythm. Jonnie followed. As she wore no bra, it was easy for Jonnie to access her hardened nipples and start sucking on them. She was moaning. She removed her Chanel no. 5 perfumed hair from his face and eyes in order to give her baby a greater meneuvre space...

    When all was said and done - in about a half an hour, or so - they continued the journey. It was sevenish.

    ---

    Six-foot-nine Jeremiah had just prepared his famous bear stew as someone knocked at the door of his cabin.

    He abandoned his beloved spoon and headed for the door. The floor and even the walls were creeping under the weight of his steps.

    ''It must be them!'' he thought.

    No sooner that he opened the door, April jumped with love and hugged her father's shoulders. ''Daddy-y-y!'' she cried out lovingly.

    ''How was your trip?'' asked Jeremiah.

    Now, Jonnie was to follow.

    ''Well, sir. Swell, to be exact.'' April laughed.

    ''Sir, my name is Jonathan.'' Jonnie tried to introduce himself. In his mind, at this moment of time only Jeremiah and he existed. ''Jonathan Walker.'' continued Jonnie. ''I am your daughter's boyfriend. I am planning on making your daughter a happy woman. In fact, I am planning on marrying her.''

    ''What...?'' whispered April from behind her father's back, pleasantly surprized.

    Jonnie just realized that he had made a capital mistake.

    ''Well whatever you're planning on doing, you have to taste my bear stew first'' laughed Jeremiah as his large arm carelessly tapped Jonnie's shoulder.

    Jonnie just stood there thinking of his mistake.

    ''Well, why are you just standing there...?! Come and eat.'' encouraged Jeremiah his future son-in-law.

    ''Sir, you are a hunter?'' asked Jonnie with his mouth full of bear meat. He had not tasted anything like that before. The hard, sinewy meat gave him courage.

    ''Well, can't you tell!?'' asked Jeremiah pointing with his spoon at all the trophies. ''Some people collect stamps, I collect trophies'' laughed he. ''But I don't exchange anything. What's mine stays mine!''

    This Jeremiah's remark caused Jonnie to stop chewing the hard meat. He turned his look at April. She smiled somewhat mysteriously.

    ''Dad,'' she gazed at her father. ''Why don't you play your guitar for us a bit when we're done eating?''

    ''Anything for you, my dear April!''

    After the stew pot was emptied, April suggested that she would like to do the dishes.

    ''You're so considerate, dear. Just like your late mother.'' Jeremiah got up, stretched, and went out of the cabin and to the porch for the guitar.

    April used these moments to approach Jonnie and kiss him.

    ''You see, he's indeed a nice fellow. He'll come now and sing a sad song.''

    Jeremiah returned with the guitar in his hands.

    ''You see, my friend,'' said he to Jonnie. ''I like playing my guitar. Now you are going to hear a song April's mother loved to listen. ''Falling leaves in fall.''

    Everyone sat down. Jonnie and April waited for the father to adjust the strings. Than the song began.

    ''Falling leaves in fall,
    What have I done wrong,
    What have I done that is small,
    Falling leaves in fall...

    My darling is in the woods,
    In the deep woods and creeks,
    Dark are my moods,
    Dark are my moods...''

    Jonnie thought that he spotted a tear in Jeremiah's eyes.

    ''No, my children, it's no tear, it's just on the account of the smoke from the fireplace.''

    April began to cry. Jonnie didn't know what to do. Just for a moment, he felt like an intruder. Like someone who does not belong there.

    The night was silent as can be, and they all began to prepare themselves for a good night's sleep. Their spirits were, if only for a moment, clensed.
    Last edited by w.riter; May 29th, 2017 at 05:33 AM.

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