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Thread: Two Lovers

  1. #21
    Quote Originally Posted by HarperCole View Post
    Yes, that's the right sort of idea ... I'd suggest now trying to flesh out the characters a bit more. Perhaps some more build-up before they hook up? The majority of relationships aren't love at first sight, after all.

    HC
    Thank you HC ! I wrote it as a stream od consciousness...

  2. #22
    Quote Originally Posted by Ptolemy View Post
    First off, you can't "taste" a smell, you can smell a smell,
    I smell trouble brewing here. This should be good!

    Hold on, let me grab some Skittles... there's nothing quite like the taste of rainbow while reading critiques.

  3. #23
    This was the eight, or ninth night that John didn't return her call.

    She was pressing the phone dialing buttons so vigorously that it hurt. She wanted to call this forgetfull, irresponsible womanizer, called her husband, and give him some of his medicine.

    Yet, on second thought, she was not able to hold grudge on him.

    ''You are beautiful.'' he told her as they first met.

    How is a woman of average looks to forget this?

    ''Those were the days,'' she went to the kitchen wandering if she was going to pour herself some whiskey or cherry. She decided that she was going for the cherry. ''For the good old times'' she cheered and winced as the cherry burned a path down her raw throath.

    ''And now? Nowhere to go, nothing to do...'' The sharp taste caused even greater loneliness.

    She once again headed for the phone, this time firmly deciding that she was going to call him. ''No, he isn't worth it.'' she put the phone receiver down again, and set on the sofa.

    She decided that she was going to feel good. She poured herself some more cherry and turned the TV on.

    Breaking news!

    ''A man has jumped down the fifth floor of a building...!, she listened the slow voice of the TV reporter. She sipped the cherry.

    ''Who is that man? What was going through his head the minute he decided to take his own life?'' thought she.

    The reporter answered her question in a moment:

    ''...The police says that the name of the suicidal man is John Jones. They have tried to talk him out of taking his own life. Apparently, they were unsuccessful. The only thing the person said before jumping was, and we we cite: ''Tell Cherry I'm sorry. I don't deserve her!'' We ask anyone by the man of Cherry to come to the fifth precinct and identify...''

    Cherry turned off the TV. Her alcohol numbed fingers slipped letting the cherry glass shatter on the floor. She could not but to again begin to think of the good times the deceised John and she shared.

    ''I'm not ready to go to the police yet'' thought she agitated, restraining every atom in her body from getting her up from that sofa. The cherry spoke: no way, it couldn't be... No, there were hundreds of John Joneses in this big town.

    ''I have to be honest with myself'' decided Cherry. She got up and took the keys to the house. She locked the door and left the house passing by her garden and picking a red rose. The thorns did their thing: she winced, and warm red blood ran down the stem
    .
    ''Never mind,'' she thought ''Real love is a piercing thing.'' A red rose was a flower John gave her on their first date.

    Cherry sat in her car. She got thoughtful again and was not able to start the engine. Her emotions were tearing her apart.

    ''No, I'm not able to go to the police, and than to the hospital. I am not able to face my past and my future. It seems to me that I'm only able to stay in this car. Now.'' Her pierced fingers bled.

    She relaxed and slumped her head on the wheel. In a matter of moments, she fell asleep. She dreamt.
    Last edited by w.riter; May 28th, 2017 at 05:09 AM.

  4. #24
    Quote Originally Posted by w.riter View Post
    A Try At Showing:

    This was the eight
    eighth, or night ninth night - Cherry could not tell - really,that John didn't return her call. *Why couldn't she tell? do we need this sentence?

    She pressed
    the phone dialing buttons as if she hated the phone. She wanted to call this forgetfull forgetful, irresponsible womanizer, called her husband, and give him some of his medicine. *I think you should try to use a more visually stimulating word rather than 'pressed' and do away with the simile.

    Yet, she was not that able to hold that grudge on him,
    on second thought. *The grammar here is confusing. Is English not your native language? Your writing style reminds me of a Chinese classmate's English.

    ''You are beautiful.'' he told her as they first met.

    How is a woman of average looks to forget this?

    ''Those were the says
    days,'' she approached the kitchen wandering wondering if she was going to pour herself some whisky whiskey or cherry. She decided that she was going for the cherry. ''For the good old times,'' she cheered and poured the contents down her sensitive throath throat. *You are telling us her throat is sensitive. You could instead show, by saying something like 'she winced as the cherry burned a path down her raw throat

    ''And now? Nowhere to go, nothing to do...'' The sharp taste caused even greater loneliness.

    She once again headed for the phone, this time firmly deciding that she was going to call him. ''No, he isn't worth it.'' she put the phone receiver down again, and set
    sat on the sofa.

    She decided that she was going to feel good. She poured her
    herself some more cherry and turned the TV on.

    Breaking news!

    ''A man has jumped down the fifth floor of a building...!, she listened
    to the slow voice of the TV reporter. She sipped the cherry.
    ''Who is that man? What was going through his head the minute he decided to take his own life? thought she. *why not 'she thought'? thought she is archaic. it doesn't match the modern setting.

    The reporter answered to her question in a moment:
    *I 'm going to stop correcting grammatical and spelling errors here. they're too frequent. I recommend getting an addon for your browser or word processor which highlights suspected grammar errors. They distract from the flow of the work and break the reader's immersion in the scene.

    ''...The police says that the name of the suicidal man is John Jones. They have tried to talk him out of taking his own life. Apparently, they were unsuccessful. The only thing the person said before jumping of the building was, and we we cite: ''Tell Cherry I'm sorry. I don't deserve her!'' We ask anyone by the man of Cherry to come to the fifth precinct and identify...''

    Cherry turned off the TV. The cherry glass in her hand fell to the floor.
    She was in an inebriated shock. She could not but to again begin to think of the good times the deceised John and she shared. This is telling again. We already know she's been drinking, it's somewhat superfluous. if you feel it's important to highlight that fact, show us; 'her alcohol numbed fingers slipped, letting the cherry glass to shatter on the floor'

    ''I'm not ready to go to the police yet'' thought she agitated, res raining every atom in her body from getting her up from that sofa. The cherry did its thing: she knew better; how many John Joneses were there in that big town they lived in? The town consisted of more than one hundred people, after all. 'She knew better' is telling. Use some interal monolog. "No way, it couldn't be... No, there were hundreds of John Joneses in this big town."

    ''I have to be honest with myself'' decided she, getting up, and taking the keys to the house. She locked the door and left the house passing by her garden and picking a red rose. The thorns did their thing: some of her fingers got pierced. ''Never mind,'' she thought ''Real love is a piercing thing.'' A red rose was a flower John gave her on their first date. The key difference between 'showing' and 'telling' is that in showing, you involve the senses. 'Some of her fingers got piereced' does not involve any senses. 'she winced, and warm red blood ran down the stem.' rewriting it like this would involve the sight sense, and a bit of touch.

    Cherry sat in her car. She got thoughtful again and was not able to start the engine. Her emotions were tearing her apart.

    ''No, I'm not able to go to the police, and than to the hospital. I am not able to face my past and my future. It seems to me that I'm only able to stay in this car. Now.'' Her pierced fingers bled.

    She relaxed and put her weiryhead on the wheel. In a matter of moments, she fell asleep. She dreamt.Rather than use a bland adverb like 'put' use an emotive one like 'slumped' and then get rid of 'weary'. In general you want to express as much as you can with the verb and minimalize the use of modifying adjevtives and adverbs.

    Blue = spelling mistake.
    Orange = showing not telling, and grammar errors.
    Red = my comments.

    I think this is much improved over your first post.

    There are 3 things I recommend you work on:

    1. Showing, not telling (by involving the reader's senses)
    2. Using more interesting main verbs (and thus needing fewer modifying adverbs and adjectives)
    3. Grammar and punctuation (These are more important than you think.)
    Last edited by Penless; May 27th, 2017 at 11:53 AM.

  5. #25
    Quote Originally Posted by Penless View Post
    Blue = spelling mistake.
    Orange = showing not telling, and grammar errors.
    Red = my comments.

    I think this is much improved over your first post.

    There are 3 things I recommend you work on:

    1. Showing, not telling (by involving the reader's senses)
    2. Using more interesting main verbs (and thus needing fewer modifying adverbs and adjectives)
    3. Grammar and punctuation (These are more important than you think.)
    Sorry P., what do you mean by your saying that this is much improved over my first post? Are you thereby refering to my first post in this thread?

  6. #26
    Without any sign of hesitation, he challenged his fingers to do the undressing. Vulnerable for his touch as she was, she let his toying with her garment continue. The sweet tenderness of her lips longed for his. Once the undressing was done, she was taken captive of his strong and experienced hands, carrying her to the bed. They kissed and fire was built; as soon as their Eden bodies touched the silken linen, it grew warmer.
    They cheated the night all the way through. Early in the morning, just before daybreak, as all was done, only the birdcall accompanied their falling asleep.

  7. #27
    WF Veteran H.Brown's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by w.riter View Post
    Without any sign of hesitation, he challenged his fingers to do the undressing. Vulnerable for his touch as she was, she let his toying with her garment continue. The sweet tenderness of her lips longed for his. Once the undressing was done, she was taken captive of his strong and experienced hands, carrying her to the bed. They kissed and fire was built; as soon as their Eden bodies touched the silken linen, it grew warmer.
    They cheated the night all the way through. Early in the morning, just before daybreak, as all was done, only the birdcall accompanied their falling asleep.
    Hey W.riter your writing is definatly improving as this thread goes along. here is my critique of your last post:

    "Vulnerable for his touch..." Why vulnerable this for me was a bit stilted to read and makes this extract seem a bit violent, is the lover a violent man, is she scared of him? If not I would find different word to use here.

    Describe the undressing a little more for example: he challenged his fingers to unlace her boots as she shock with eager anticipation. His hands grasped her soft sweater as he lifted it over her head. Bending down he twisted the metal button of jeans until it popped open and then he slid them down revealing her legs to his eyes. Her sweet tender lips longed for his as she was taken captive in his strong experienced hands.

    This is how I would have written this same scene obviously I have had to make up the garments as I do not know what your character is wearing but can you see how much more depth is added to this section with giving your read a few more items of description?

    Who is the narrative voice in this section is it the male, female or an outside omniscient narrator as I think it shifts about?

    Do you have anymore of this passage to give it context?

    I hope that this helps.
    Fancy joining a photgraphy group? The check out the Hidden Content group.

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  8. #28
    Thank you very much, H. !

    I'm taking it step by step. I wrote this as a stream of consciousness, still not sure about the narrator. I'm expecting to give this more context, to make a story thicker as it were.

    Always nice to hear a good critique
    Last edited by w.riter; May 28th, 2017 at 04:03 PM.

  9. #29
    WF Veteran H.Brown's Avatar
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    No worries Is this a book you are writing?
    Fancy joining a photgraphy group? The check out the Hidden Content group.

    Visit My Blog to get to know me better.Hidden Content Hidden Content A fun group of like minded new writers.
    Hidden Content Hidden Content A place for young writers to talk and chill.

    Why not check out the Hidden Content and join in the latest challenge discussions.

  10. #30
    If there ever was a happy guy on this planet, Jonnie would be that one.

    ''I love kissing her'' the thought appeared in his mind, as his fingertips ran like rain drops through April's hair.

    ''Come on, Jonnie,'' April's smile shined through the sunny day the both of them were enjoying, ''We'll go to my dad's. There you'll ask him.''

    ''I'm afraid of his 'No!' Jonnie's fingers abandoned her hair and found refuge in his jeans' pockets.

    ''You'll never know if you don't ask him, Jonnie!'' said April, lowering her head suddenly in desperation. Yet the advice she found in a song's lyrics lifted her spirits. She lifted her head and said: ''Never give up, Jonnie... My dad ain't such a bad person.''

    Jonnie directed his eyes into hers and said: ''I forget - so too many times - just how often you're right.''

    ''There, you see... Things are never that dark...''

    As they were approaching the car, their short fast strides were becoming faster. The Sun was immitating their speed and finally found refuge behind the hills. The night was closing in. They entered the car and chose the silence.

    ''It's five o'clock Jonnie!'' said April after five minutes of silent meditation. ''He's in the cabin. He always returns from his summer time hunting at this time.''

    April's father, Jeremiah, was a rare animal. He led his life as unconventionally as possible. He was a passionate hunter, and would have chosen - if only he could - spending the remainder of his days hushed in a bed of grass waiting for the perfect deer. He was a trophy collector. A visitor to his home, to his cabin adorned with the trophies, and hidden deep in the woods of the Big Mouth Montain, would be left stuttering at Jeremiah's deep voiced question: ''Well, how do you like my home?''

    And this was the thing that was pulling Jonnie into silence. ''How is a guy to live up to Jeremiah's standards? It's impossible. It's an extraordinary man.'' A whirlepool of these simple yet grueling thoughts raved in Jonnie's mind. Time and time again.

    ''I can't do that, April... Your dad is ... well ... great.''

    ''I am going to keep in my mind your promise, Jonnie. The promise you gave me just ten minutes ago ... So start this frigging car and let's go get the big bear.'' she kissed him on his right cheek.

    Jonnie was at loss for words. Stunned. Yet his hands and feet started the car's engine and they drove off in the direction of the already set Sun.

    ''Dad?'' purred April to her father over the cell phone. ''We're coming. Yes, Jonnie has decided to talk to you... Yes, he's got guts...'' giggled April. ''I told him just how sweet and considerate person you are... Did he buy it?'' April giggled some more. ''Yeah, he obviously did, his driving the car and his hands aren't shaking with fear. Right, Jonnie?'' Jonnie changed to lower gear.
    Last edited by w.riter; May 28th, 2017 at 12:18 PM.

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