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Thread: Two Lovers

  1. #11
    Neil's warm mouth brushed Alice's cheek, soft and powerful like the stroke of a lion against its cub, and she thought to herself how lucky she was, to have caught the eye of this successful stockbroker, this fearless skydiver, this community pillar with his large social following and his hair of flowing obsidian. Something in her fluttered and she carressed his arm.

    Suddenly he stopped, and squatted, plucking something from a green gap between two sharp rocks of the sort that proliferated these lower slopes of Big Mouth Mountain.

    "A flower - a bluebonnet, if I'm not mistaken," he said, taking her hand and pressing it down into her palm. "For you."

    Just her - and him. The solutide, the blue sky above, dotted with wheeling birds - all of it was purest heaven.

    Wonderful, bd, thanks.

    It goes to show just how far I am from being a better writer.
    Last edited by w.riter; May 26th, 2017 at 12:40 PM.

  2. #12
    Wɾʇ∩9 bdcharles's Avatar
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    You'll get there. It takes time, and practise, and being - in my case at least - pitilessly honest with myself about what works. Also what really helps, again for me, is taking a genuine delight in language, in trying to create joy, or horror, maybe ecstasy, or a pastoral idyll, or the shattered remains or a post-plague society, or even a crippling sadness just using words. It's like playing God.


    Hidden Content Monthly Fiction Challenge


    Beauty is nothing but the beginning of terror which we are barely able to endure, and are awed,
    because it serenely disdains to annihilate us.
    - Rainer Maria Rilke, "Elegy I"

    *

    Is this fire, or is this mask?
    It's the Mantasy!
    - Anonymous

    *

    C'mon everybody, don't need this crap.
    - Wham!





  3. #13
    Quote Originally Posted by bdcharles View Post
    You'll get there. It takes time, and practise, and being - in my case at least - pitilessly honest with myself about what works. Also what really helps, again for me, is taking a genuine delight in language, in trying to create joy, or horror, maybe ecstasy, or a pastoral idyll, or the shattered remains or a post-plague society, or even a crippling sadness just using words.
    What would you say about this one, I have tried to depict the characters:

    She pressed the phone dialing buttons as if she hated the phone. She wanted to call this forgetfull, irresponsible womanizer called her husband, and give him some of his medicine. This was the eight, or eight night - she could not tell - really, that he had not not returned her call.
    No matter how much she was angry at her husband, she was not able to forget their first kiss: it happened at a disco. After spotting each other's loneliness, both of them could feel the desire to start talking to each other. He took the first step, and approached her. No matter how hard he wanted to talk to her, the music was too loud. After a few minutes of his carelessness as regards the loudness, he desired to exchange a few sensual words with her. ''How are you?'' asked he genuinly interested. His answer remained unanswered; all that she expected was the kiss. He was able to feel it. He suddenly moved his impatient lips towards hers and offered his impatience to her. She accepted his impatience, kissed him, and felt like the queen of the night...
    Last edited by w.riter; May 26th, 2017 at 01:03 PM.

  4. #14
    Quote Originally Posted by w.riter View Post


    What would you say about this one, I have tried to depict the characters:

    She pressed the phone dialing buttons as if she hated the phone. She wanted to call this forgetfull, irresponsible womanizer called her husband and give him some of his medicine. This was the eight, or night night - she could not tell - really, that he didn't return her call.
    No matter how much she was angry at her husband, she was not able to forget their first kiss: it happened at a disco. The both of them wanted to talk to each other. He took the first step, and approached her. No matter how hard he wanted to talk to her, the music was too loud. So, after a few minutes of his carelessness, he desired to exchange a few sensual words with her. Then he suddenly moved his impatient lips towards hers and offered her his kiss. She accepted the kiss, and felt like the queen of the night.
    It's important to keep consistent with whose perspective it is. Here, we're following the wife's perspective as we go into a flashback - this flashback should also be from her perspective, as she is the one remembering it. But phrases like "he wanted", "he desired", "his impatient lips" are instead showing us the husband's perspective.

  5. #15
    Wɾʇ∩9 bdcharles's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by w.riter View Post


    What would you say about this one, I have tried to depict the characters:

    She pressed the phone dialing buttons as if she hated the phone. She wanted to call this forgetfull, irresponsible womanizer called her husband and give him some of his medicine. This was the eight, or night night - she could not tell - really, that he didn't return her call.
    No matter how much she was angry at her husband, she was not able to forget their first kiss: it happened at a disco. The both of them wanted to talk to each other. He took the first step, and approached her. No matter how hard he wanted to talk to her, the music was too loud. So, after a few minutes of his carelessness, he desired to exchange a few sensual words with her. Then he suddenly moved his impatient lips towards hers and offered her his kiss. She accepted the kiss, and felt like the queen of the night.
    The thing is that alot of this is exposition - backstory, infodumping. It's not bad info (coupla typos) but it takes us out of the moment, and if readers are to feel fully invested in this scene, it helps to have invested in the moment being remembered. That means not just recapping it but quite possibly writing an earlier scene in which it happens. It's a bit like the difference between hearing about someone's problems when you've just met them, versus hearing about them having gone through them with the person.


    Hidden Content Monthly Fiction Challenge


    Beauty is nothing but the beginning of terror which we are barely able to endure, and are awed,
    because it serenely disdains to annihilate us.
    - Rainer Maria Rilke, "Elegy I"

    *

    Is this fire, or is this mask?
    It's the Mantasy!
    - Anonymous

    *

    C'mon everybody, don't need this crap.
    - Wham!





  6. #16
    Thanks bdcharles and HC! I know that with the help of both of you I'm a step closer to being a good writing
    Last edited by w.riter; May 26th, 2017 at 01:52 PM.

  7. #17
    deleted post
    Last edited by w.riter; May 26th, 2017 at 02:10 PM.

  8. #18
    Quote Originally Posted by HarperCole View Post
    It's important to keep consistent with whose perspective it is. Here, we're following the wife's perspective as we go into a flashback - this flashback should also be from her perspective, as she is the one remembering it. But phrases like "he wanted", "he desired", "his impatient lips" are instead showing us the husband's perspective.
    HC, is this any better?

    She pressed the phone dialing buttons as if she hated the phone. She wanted to call this forgetfull, irresponsible womanizer called her husband and give him some of his medicine. This was the eight, or night night - she could not tell - really, that he didn't return her call.
    No matter how much she was angry at her husband, she was not able to forget their first kiss: it happened at a disco. Both of them wanted to talk to each other. She could tell that it was him who wanted to take the first step, and approach her. ''Maybe he's put off by the loud music'' she thought. She got butterflies in her belly as she finally saw him approaching her; she could tell that he was carefull enough so as not to get in the way of the dancers at the dancefloor. Her patience finally payed off; he came to her after a few minutes of their carelessness and sweet nothings regarding the loud music. She desired to exchange a few sensual words with him. Simultaneously, he suddenly moved his impatient lips towards hers and offered her his kiss. She accepted the kiss, and felt like the queen of the night.

  9. #19
    The formatting on this runs together. And as a life long genre junkie I'm going to be blunt, have you taken time to sit down and read published work within this genre? Romance gets a bad rap, but a fair amount of it is better written than a lot standard fiction. The structure can benefit new writers. This is all tell and absolutely no show. You are telling the reader this is what happened and the reader ends up bored within a paragraph. Take some time to compare and contrast published works to your style...Reverse engineering on critique, if you will. You want to know how writing works, you need to take it apart and work on you basics first. It is how Carthage came to challenge Rome.

    Lay foundations, set limits, say 500 word to tell a story. Hone the tools you have and practice with those you struggle with. Bring the reader along for the ride. Don't give them a summary. This is where analysing current styles will help.

    And please stop thread bumping. Three simultaneous posts is not okay. Take time with your revisions and allow a little time for other member to respond. If you need to reply to several responses, use the multiquote feature.
    Last edited by Darkkin; May 26th, 2017 at 09:57 PM.


  10. #20
    Quote Originally Posted by w.riter View Post
    HC, is this any better?

    She pressed the phone dialing buttons as if she hated the phone. She wanted to call this forgetfull, irresponsible womanizer called her husband and give him some of his medicine. This was the eight, or night night - she could not tell - really, that he didn't return her call.
    No matter how much she was angry at her husband, she was not able to forget their first kiss: it happened at a disco. Both of them wanted to talk to each other. She could tell that it was him who wanted to take the first step, and approach her. ''Maybe he's put off by the loud music'' she thought. She got butterflies in her belly as she finally saw him approaching her; she could tell that he was carefull enough so as not to get in the way of the dancers at the dancefloor. Her patience finally payed off; he came to her after a few minutes of their carelessness and sweet nothings regarding the loud music. She desired to exchange a few sensual words with him. Simultaneously, he suddenly moved his impatient lips towards hers and offered her his kiss. She accepted the kiss, and felt like the queen of the night.
    Yes, that's the right sort of idea ... I'd suggest now trying to flesh out the characters a bit more. Perhaps some more build-up before they hook up? The majority of relationships aren't love at first sight, after all.

    HC

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