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Thread: the continuance of the novelette

  1. #11
    Wɾʇ∩9 bdcharles's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by w.riter View Post

    Here and there is left to a reader's immagination, it migth be places of the body, and it might be the country they are roaming.
    Hi W

    I understand about leaving things to the reader's imagination, but the flaw with that is apparent when taken to its logical - if slightly absurd - conclusion of, for example, something like writing a blank page. The entire story then could be left to the reader's imagination but it would be their story, little more than a notepad. Leave a little up to the reader but also remember that your job is to take readers on your journey. You have had the ideas - now make them real, make them come alive using your words. And don't hold back on your writing. If something outside your comfort zone happens then transfer that discomfort to your characters. This makes the characters more realistic and sensitively-portrayed as well as absolving you of your own discomfort. Win-win. In this way, writing is cathartic and therapeutic (or something)

    You do have some nice phrasings in there - "eyes were watching their dance of the amorous" really stood out for me; nice work on that

    To add to the feedback you already have, one thing you might want to consider is letting readers settle with one character before switching to the next. Take a look at "point of view" in fiction as this is how you make the reader care about your character, and therefore sympathise with their situations (your story). Switching too soon can minimise how close readers feel to your events. You jump between Alice/Neil, Jones/Whatshisface, and someother person pretty rapidly here. Give us more time with each!

    Also think about showing versus telling. Telling is informing, or summarising for readers what happens; showing is, for want of a better expression, making it happen. Here's a quick and simple example:

    Tell:

    Exchanging kisses, here and there, Neil and Alice were making their way up the Big Mouth mountain. Nothing could stop them.
    After spotting a shiny pond a few hundred of yards away, in the direction they were heading, they took each other by their hands and made their way to the goal which was the pond Neil mentioned Alice before they began this journey.
    They reached the crystal water pond, fed by the small waterfall. It felt like magic.
    Show:

    Neil and Alice made their way up the loose scree of Big Mouth mountain. As they went, Neil would place a tender kiss on Alice's shoulders or neck, whereupon she would giggle and return the affection to his tanned hands, and when presently they spotted a shiny pond a few hundred yards away, in the direction they were heading, they took each other by their hands and sped up their steps. Neil shivered; he could almost feel the cool water invigorating his skin.

    At length they parted a pair of shrubs and arrived on the edge of crystal waters fed by a small waterfall. It felt like magic.
    Sometimes showing feels like expanding on things. Eg: you have "the pond Neil mentioned Alice before they began this journey.". Make this a real thing. Have Neil say: "See, I told you it would be bere" or something. Yes, it's more words, but they should hopefully make the prose more genuine and believable, as if these things actually happened.



    Repetition and overuse

    Watch that you don't repeat or overuse phrases, words, images - anything that could be construed as all-filler-no-killer. Eg:


    Exchanging kisses, here and there, Neil and Alice were making their way up the Big Mouth mountain. Nothing could stop them.
    After spotting a shiny pond a few hundred of yards away, in the direction they were heading, they took each other by their hands and made their way to the goal which was the pond Neil mentioned Alice before they began this journey.
    They reached the crystal water pond, fed by the small waterfall. It felt like magic.



    Hope this helps.


    Hidden Content Monthly Fiction Challenge


    Beauty is nothing but the beginning of terror which we are barely able to endure, and are awed,
    because it serenely disdains to annihilate us.
    - Rainer Maria Rilke, "Elegy I"

    *

    Is this fire, or is this mask?
    It's the Mantasy!
    - Anonymous

    *

    C'mon everybody, don't need this crap.
    - Wham!





  2. #12
    Quote Originally Posted by bdcharles View Post
    Hi W

    I understand about leaving things to the reader's imagination, but the flaw with that is apparent when taken to its logical - if slightly absurd - conclusion of, for example, something like writing a blank page. The entire story then could be left to the reader's imagination but it would be their story, little more than a notepad. Leave a little up to the reader but also remember that your job is to take readers on your journey. You have had the ideas - now make them real, make them come alive using your words. And don't hold back on your writing. If something outside your comfort zone happens then transfer that discomfort to your characters. This makes the characters more realistic and sensitively-portrayed as well as absolving you of your own discomfort. Win-win. In this way, writing is cathartic and therapeutic (or something)

    You do have some nice phrasings in there - "eyes were watching their dance of the amorous" really stood out for me; nice work on that

    To add to the feedback you already have, one thing you might want to consider is letting readers settle with one character before switching to the next. Take a look at "point of view" in fiction as this is how you make the reader care about your character, and therefore sympathise with their situations (your story). Switching too soon can minimise how close readers feel to your events. You jump between Alice/Neil, Jones/Whatshisface, and someother person pretty rapidly here. Give us more time with each!

    Also think about showing versus telling. Telling is informing, or summarising for readers what happens; showing is, for want of a better expression, making it happen. Here's a quick and simple example:

    Tell:



    Show:



    Sometimes showing feels like expanding on things. Eg: you have "the pond Neil mentioned Alice before they began this journey.". Make this a real thing. Have Neil say: "See, I told you it would be bere" or something. Yes, it's more words, but they should hopefully make the prose more genuine and believable, as if these things actually happened.



    Repetition and overuse

    Watch that you don't repeat or overuse phrases, words, images - anything that could be construed as all-filler-no-killer. Eg:


    Exchanging kisses, here and there, Neil and Alice were making their way up the Big Mouth mountain. Nothing could stop them.
    After spotting a shiny pond a few hundred of yards away, in the direction they were heading, they took each other by their hands and made their way to the goal which was the pond Neil mentioned Alice before they began this journey.
    They reached the crystal water pond, fed by the small waterfall. It felt like magic.



    Hope this helps.
    Hello bdcharles,

    thank you for your fine critique !

    I've learned much!

    W.

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