a littke beginning of a story.


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  1. #1

    a littke beginning of a story.

    Exchanging kisses, here and there, Neil and Alice were making their way up the Big Mouth mountain. Nothing could stop them.
    After spotting a shiny pond a few hundred of yards away, in the direction they were heading, they took each other by their hands and made their way to the goal which was the pond Neil mentioned Alice before they began this journey.
    They reached the crystal water pond, fed by the small waterfall. It felt like magic.
    Just before their imerging into the water, they took a deep kiss thus tasting the sweat from their bodies. Gratefully, little by little, step by step, they were simultaneously nearing the small pond's waterfall.
    Little did they know that eyes were watching their dance of the amorous.

    ***

    ''Hey, Jones!'' Jerry called out to his partner in crime streching his arm toward a couple in a pond. ''We might have witnesses here, it seems!''
    Jones' head twitched, his arm grabbed the gun from the top of the car and reached for the binoculars around his neck. He directed the binoculars toward Jerry's hand, then towards the direction to which Jerry was pointing. ''Keep quiet, Jer...!'' Jones always called Jerry Jer when he couldn't find his attitude appropriate. And this was such an instance.
    ''Do you want them to hear us, Jer...?!'', Jones tried to sound as a snake and succeeded in doing so. ''You want them to find out there are people around here who might be doing something illegal...?!''

    ***

    ''Imagine we were really alone around here, Neil...?'' asked Alice while yearning for their solitude. ''Imagine that this pond was created just for us, Alice...!'' answered Neil, her arm in his. He lead her arm to the caressing path; Alice used to caress his hairy chest in a very specific way. The water had done its thing and Neil's chest was wet.
    Alice's chest were tight and her hair was curly. Neil could tell; her curlyness was to be felt all over her body.
    ''Oh,Neil...!'' answered Alice to his caressing. They forgot about everything. They entered in the state of spirit which brought their souls together, together in a first place. They had for the first met each other in not that strange a place; it resembled this one, it resembled fertility.

    ***

    ''Let me see who they are...what they are, Jones,'' Jer could not but immitate Jones' snake's tongue.
    ''And what are you expecting to find out, Jer?'' Jones spat in Jer's direction. ''You'd figure they might not be alone, wouldn't you?''
    ''You'd figure that they might be waiting for their company to arive. Big Mouth isn't a place for no lovers. This is the place I chose for that very reason. My guns smuggling business can't be compromised. 'Make love – don't make war', Jer. Ever heard of that saying?'', Jones giggled not sure he understood what he himself was saying. Yet, his heart skipped a beat as he remembered Fannie, a prostitute he used to pay a good visit whenever on his road to Big Mouth mountain. He did not pay her a visit this time. It was her fault.

    ***

    Fannie cried a lot that evening. She was just another lady whose make up was falling apart.
    ''Where could he be?'' she thought and she sobbed with no end in sight. ''When is this all going to end?''
    While these questions were poling in her mind, the full Moon shone straight in her face. The window was open and she was gazing at the solitary Moon. Alone. ''Oh, if Jones were to come!'' she wept, thinking of their first rendezvous when she was young and was beginning her carrier in the state of Nevada. When she and Jones first met, she was 18, had fled home, promissing herself never to come back. Her father, a wealthy businessman, had nothing to offer her, besides his critiques on how short her dresses were. Her mother, practically a slave to her husband, resembled a zombie. She would twitch at every Fannie's father word.
    ''Is he still thinking of me?'' Fannie asked herself recalling their times. Then she realized that it was getting chilly, so she closed the window, and went back to bed to try and fall asleep. The client was to come early the next morning. A truckdriver. It was not to be Jones... She fell asleep.

    ***

    Jerry, that old jailbird, did not mean to change his habits. Liquor, women and good song were everything he craved for. He spent five years in jail before managing to escape and join Jones. ''You are crazy in the head'', was all that his father was telling him as he was still a child. As he grew older and reached his puberty, the words became actions, so he was regularly beaten by his father. The only time he felt safe was when he was with his mother. A silly old cow, as father called her, had a tender heart for her only son. ''Don't you worry, Jerry!'' she used to encourage him. ''That's the only thing he's capable of – beating people...look what he did to me yesterday when you were with your Mary Jane!'' She showed Jerry a big swollen bruise on her right forearm. ''He took me in his arms and shook me, shook me...shook me...'' The small tears of a person gotten used to being abused began to roll down her eyes.
    So, that is what Jerry remembered the best from his teens. As for Mary Jane, he comforted himself that she was too good for him, as she went to marry a wealthy farmer. An arranged marriage had to take place, and Mary Jane's father's debt had to be settled.

    ***

    Happy and glorified as only they could be, Neil and Alice began to think that it was time to leave the amorous pond and its waterfall. Neil's shoulders stretched as he took Alice in his arms and carried her, half naked, to the pond's shore. Before they imerged in the pond they had put a blanket on the grass and were now enjoying the sun.
    ''Are you hungry?'' asked Alice.
    ''I'm hungry for you...!'' answered Neil. Alice giggled.
    ''Look what I've got for you!'' Alice showed Neil two hard boiled eggs, winked at him and started to ''juggle'' giddy with them.
    ''I know you like hard boiled eggs...'' she came even closer to him and whispered into his ear, ''...but I like them more than you do...''
    Neil reached for her hands in order to get the eggs.
    ''It is you who boils them, Alice.''
    Alice's blue-green eyes shut as Neil covered her body with his. They made their breakfast but forgot all about it; it was love they were making now.

    ***

    Jones had not experienced peace in months. ''The investors in his business'', as he called them, expected results, and they expected them soon. This was not only business to Jones, this was his way of life. He despised the law, moreover he despised the lawmen.
    ''It's them I'm fighting...! I'm not a mere guns smuggler'' he used to say to his investors when late with his deliveries. His spitefulness acted as his pride; it was giving his companions a sense that they could rely on him. A prideful gringo, a spiteful one moreover, a man who looked down to the law, who wished to smack a sheriff's jaw...all that was enough for the Mexican gangs to hire him for their businesses.
    All he wanted in return was money and women. Yes, yes, still; he could not deny it: deep in his heart of hearts, deep in his whirling emotions, he was really able to experience the shallowness others were accusing him of...
    Last edited by w.riter; May 20th, 2017 at 03:14 PM.

  2. #2
    Exchanging kisses, here and there, Neil and Alice were making their way up the Big Mouth mountain. Capital M for mountain Nothing could stop them. Not needed
    After spotting a shiny pond a few hundred of yards away, in the direction they were heading, they took each other by their hands by the hand, and made their way to the goal which was the pond Neil mentioned Alice before they began this journey. Mentioned what?
    They reached the crystal water pond, fed by the small waterfall. It felt like magic.
    Just before their imerging into entering the water, they took a deep kiss thus tasting the sweat from their bodies. Gratefully, little by little, step by step, they were simultaneously nearing the small pond's waterfall.
    Little did they know that eyes were watching their dance of the amorous? Dosnt make sense

    You really have to learn how to construct proper sentences, reading this piece made wonder if English is your first language. We all make the odd typo, but you’re repeatedly misspelling simple words, please use a spell check.

    I have only corrected the first paragraph, to do more really wouldn’t have helped you.
    I am not being brutal, just being honest.

  3. #3
    Maybe use 'amorous dance'?

    One thing you learn here, or read via many writing sites, is to chop stuff that isn't needed. I know this, although do'nt always do this.

    Write it out. Leave it for a few days, then go back to it. Then cut it to shreds, removing things that do not move the story.
    If it's a detail, incorporate it in to a point of view if you can. Otherwise chop it.

    And yes, use a spell checker.

    Now, I know all these things, but I don't necessarily do all these things.

    And lastly, but most importantly, welcome to the forum!
    If we surround ourselves with 'yes' people, how can we grow.

  4. #4
    Thank you for the encouraging words M.

  5. #5
    Quote Originally Posted by John 3 View Post
    I have only corrected the first paragraph, to do more really wouldn’t have helped you.
    I am not being brutal, just being honest.
    Your telling that you were only being honest would have been enough. I don't care if you're being brutal or not, but the readers might, so you shouldn't have mentioned brutality; it might act as a turndown regarding the will to comment of the other readers.

  6. #6
    Quote Originally Posted by w.riter View Post
    Your telling that you were only being honest would have been enough. I don't care if you're being brutal or not, but the readers might, so you shouldn't have mentioned brutality; it might act as a turndown regarding the will to comment of the other readers.
    John 3 was spot on with his observations. Brutality has nothing to do with the matter. He was honest and fair. But the fact remains, sloppy or careless writing will turn the reader off far faster than a thorough critique. You haven't bothered to do a basic edit or proofread on this, and that signals to readers that you can't be bothered to take the time to read your own work through, so why should we? The forums are not an editing service...That is your job and when a reader has to wade through an inundation of poor grammar, misspelled (and/or wrong) words, and redundancies, the story itself suffers because the reading becomes a chore.

    You can have the best idea in the world, but it means nothing if the execution is poor...One handy trick, read aloud. By engaging more sensory processes, hearing and sight, you gain a more rounded picture of what you actually have...Not what you think you have.
    Last edited by Darkkin; May 24th, 2017 at 09:10 PM.


  7. #7
    You have a lot here. That's good. Some want to write but they've got nothing to say. Proofreading, that's the 'easy' part... I mean uh... just apply all the rules. Edit? Well, that's a little more difficult, what to cut- what not to cut. Re-wording, changing the order of things in a statement, a sentence... I think that it gets better with repetition. But you have to be aware of it. Aware of what? Awkward phrasing, unnatural speech. People are very generally good at speaking, very good at hearing. We instantly notice any odd or awkward phraseology. Like in a movie, you can tell immediately when you hear bad dialogue- it's something natural - something that comes to us naturally- this ability to 'hear' language-our language-and know immediately when something is off.

    Now then, this writing stuff...you've got to tap into that- your natural ability to hear critically , and start 'hearing' your own work in the same way you hear other's...and by that I don't mean reading it- I mean hearing it... in your head, but outside of your memory, because if you don't you'll never be able to edit your own work. Reading things out loud is a great way. Not the only... As far as the dialogue, acting is the best way to get it. You have to be the character as they say it, and then write it down. Good luck.
    Last edited by Kevin; May 24th, 2017 at 05:55 PM.

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