hello, all. a beginning of a novel(le) of mine

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  1. #1

    hello, all. a beginning of a novel(le) of mine

    Exchanging kisses, here and there, Neil and Alice were making their way up the Big Mouth mountain. Nothing could stop them.
    After spotting a shiny pond a few hundred of yards away, in the direction they were heading, they took each other by their hands and made their way to the goal which was the pond Neil mentioned Alice before they began this journey.
    They reached the crystal water pond, fed by the small waterfall. It felt like magic.
    Just before their imerging into the water, they took a deep kiss thus tasting the sweat from their bodies. Gratefully, little by little, step by step, they were simultaneously nearing the small pond's waterfall.
    Little did they know that eyes were watching their dance of the amorous.

    ***

    ''Hey, Jones!'' Jerry called out to his partner in crime streching his arm toward a couple in a pond. ''We might have witnesses here, it seems!''
    Jones' head twitched, his arm grabbed the gun from the top of the car and reached for the binoculars around his neck. He directed the binoculars toward Jerry's hand, then towards the direction to which Jerry was pointing. ''Keep quiet, Jer...!'' Jones always called Jerry Jer when he couldn't find his attitude appropriate. And this was such an instance.
    ''Do you want them to hear us, Jer...?!'', Jones tried to sound as a snake and succeeded in doing so. ''You want them to find out there are people around here who might be doing something illegal...?!''

    ***

    ''Imagine we were really alone around here, Neil...?'' asked Alice while yearning for their solitude. ''Imagine that this pond was created just for us, Alice...!'' answered Neil, her arm in his. He lead her arm to the caressing path; Alice used to caress his hairy chest in a very specific way. The water had done its thing and Neil's chest was wet.
    Alice's chest were tight and her hair was curly. Neil could tell; her curlyness was to be felt all over her body.
    ''Oh,Neil...!'' answered Alice to his caressing. They forgot about everything. They entered in the state of spirit which brought their souls together, together in a first place. They met each other for the first time in not that strange a place; it resembled this one, it resembled fertility.

    ***

    ''Let me see who they are...what they are, Jones,'' Jer could not but immitate Jones' snake's tongue.
    ''And what are you expecting to find out, Jer?'' Jones spat in Jer's direction. ''You'd figure they might not be alone, wouldn't you?''
    ''You'd figure that they might be waiting for their company to arive. Big Mouth isn't a place for no lovers. This is the place I chose for that very reason. My guns smuggling business can't be compromised. 'Make love – don't make war', Jer. Ever heard of that saying?'', Jones giggled not sure he understood what was he himself saying. Yet, his heart skipped a beat as he remembered Fannie, a prostitute he used to pay a good visit whenever on his road to Big Mouth mountain. He was not pay her a visit this time. It was her fault.

    ***

    Fannie had been crying a lot that evening. She was just another lady whose make up was falling apart.
    ''Where could he be?'' she thought and she sobbed with no end in sight. ''When is this all going to end?''
    While these questions were piling in her mind, the full Moon was shining straight in her face. The window was open and she was gazing at the solitary Moon. Alone. ''Oh, if Jones were to come!'' she wept, thinking of their first rendezvous when she was young and was beginning her carrier in the state of Nevada. When she and Jones first met, she was 18, had fled home, promissing herself never to come back. Her father, a wealthy businessman, had nothing to offer her, besides his critiques on how short her dresses were. Her mother, practically a slave to her husband, resembled a zombie. She would twitch at every Fannie's father's word.
    ''Is he still thinking of me?'' Fannie asked herself recalling their times. Then she realized that it was getting chilly, so she closed the window, and went back to bed to try and fall asleep. The client was to come early the next morning. A truckdriver. It was not to be Jones... She fell asleep.

    ***

    Jerry, that old jailbird, did not mean to change his habits. Liquor, women and good song were everything he craved for. He spent five years in jail before managing to escape and join Jones. ''You are crazy in the head'', was all that his father was telling him as he was still a child. As he grew older and reached his puberty, the words became actions, so he was regularly beaten by his father. The only time he felt safe was when he was with his mother. A silly old cow, as father called her, had a tender heart for her only son. ''Don't you worry, Jerry!'' she used to encourage him. ''That's the only thing he's capable of – beating people...look what he did to me yesterday when you were with your Mary Jane!'' She showed Jerry a big swollen bruise on her right forearm. ''He took me in his arms and shook me, shook me...shook me...'' The small tears of a person gotten used to being abused began to roll down her eyes.
    So, that is what Jerry remembered the best from his teens. As for Mary Jane, he comforted himself that she was too good for him, as she went to marry a wealthy farmer. An arranged marriage had to take place, and Mary Jane's father's debt had to be settled.

    ***

    Happy and glorified as only they could be, Neil and Alice began to think that it was time to leave the amorous pond and its waterfall. Neil's shoulders stretched as he took Alice in his arms and carried her, halfnaked, to the pond's shore. Before they imerged in the pond they had put a blanket on the grass and were now enjoying the Sun.
    ''Are you hungry?'' asked Alice.
    ''I'm hungry for you...!'' answered Neil. Alice giggled.
    ''Look what I've got for you!'' Alice showed Neil two hard boiled eggs, winked at him and started to ''juggle'' giddy with them.
    ''I know you like hard boiled eggs...'' she came even closer to him and whispered into his ear, ''...but I like them more than you do...''
    Neil reached for her hands in order to get the eggs.
    ''It is you who boils them, Alice.''
    Alice's blue-green eyes shut as Neil covered her body with his. They made breakfast but forgot all about it; it was love they were making now.

    ***

    Jones had not experienced peace for months. ''The investors in his business'', as he called them, expected results, and they expected them soon. This was not only business to Jones, this was his way of life. He despised the law, moreover he despised the lawmen.
    ''It's them I'm fighting...! I'm not a mere guns smuggler'' he used to say to his investors when late with his deliveries. His spitefulness acted as his pride. It was giving his companions a sense that they could rely on him. A prideful gringo, a spiteful one moreover, a man who looked down to the law, who wished to smack a sheriff's jaw...all that was enough for the Mexican gangs to hire him for their businesses.
    All he wanted in return was money and women. Yes, yes, still; he could not deny it; deep in his heart of hearts, deep in his whirling emotions, he was really able to experience the shallowness others were accusing him of...
    Last edited by w.riter; May 20th, 2017 at 03:40 PM.

  2. #2
    I'll just come out and say this straight up:

    This piece is rife with SPaG errors up the wazoo. I can barely comment on a plot I cannot read efficiently.

    You got words stuck together likethis. Havingwords stuck together really killsthe readability doesn'tit? (Hint: It does.) There are also your obligatory spelling/capitalization/grammical mistakes whilst they were not as big of a problem as the horrid spacing (and hence are not really worth bringing up, you should be able to see them); they still take me out of the story.

    Also, the formatting is all over the place. I can see you copy and pasted this from some sort of word doc, because (for some reason, I'm in your boat buddy) the site has no "tab" feature, meaning every "tab" you have actually needs to be separated with a new paragraph if you want it to be somewhat legible.

    Fix the formatting, SPaG, and overall errors, and I'll try to comment on the plot.
    "He slides into second with a stand-up double." - Jerry Coleman
    "Yet today I consider myself the luckiest man on the face of this earth." - Lou Gehrig
    "After Jackie Robinson, the most important black in baseball history is Reggie Jackson." - Reggie Jackson
    "Your Holiness, I'm Joe Medwick. I, too, used to be a Cardinal." - Joe Medwick to Pope Pius XII
    "I think Tim Wakefield would even say tonight that Tim Wakefield got to Tim Wakefield tonight." - Tim McCarver

  3. #3
    If you are pasting from Word then the process is a pain to everyone, so do not despair. There is a thread on the subject HERE.

    I can't say how well it works as I don't use Word.
    'Sharing an experience creates a reality.' Create a new reality today.
    'There has to be some give and take.' If I can take my time I'm willing to give it.
    'The most difficult criticism that a writer has to comprehend is silence.' So speak up.

  4. #4
    ptolemy,

    would you point at my grammar mistakes? Where are they in the text?

    Thank you very much.

    W.

  5. #5
    Another thing, you should put paragraphs, (spaces none of this: ***) between each each new person speaking, as to show the line break. It's more of a form that allows us to recognize when a new speaker is present, not get tripped up and assume that it is the same person talking when there are no tags.

    So onto the story. (I'm just going to copy/paste so it's easier to edit it, I'm going to break it how I feel it should be broken.)
    Highlights in red are words that were spelled wrong, and I fixed.
    Highlights in blue are grammatical errors that I fixed.
    Highlights in green are words that are "unnecessary" and I fixed (aka cuts)
    Highlights in purple are my comments.

    Exchanging kisses,here and there, Neil and Alice were making their way up the Big Mouth mountain. Nothing could stop them. After spotting a shiny pond a few hundred of yards away, in the direction they were heading, they took each other by their hands and made their way to the goal which was the pond Neil mentioned Alice before they began this journey. [Run on sentence, it's 43 words in total, and adds almost nothing other than referencing the "pond" twice. It's redundant. Why do you say "A shiny pond" like they have never seen the pond before, when you then state that "it was Neil's intended destination." Just say: "After seeing the pond Neil had mentioned to Alice before they began this journey..." It's simpler.]They reached the crystal water pond, fed by a small waterfall. It felt like magic. [You can't "feel" magic, a better word would be "looked" or some sort of synonym.] Just before their emerging into the water, they took a deep kiss thus tasting the sweat from their bodies. [How in sweet god's name is "sweat" romantic? This pulled me out of the story, I mean this is romance right? Say "scent" or something romantic not "sweat".] Gratefully, little by little, step by step, {Gratefully, already insinuates that they took it easy getting in. Making these irrelevant.} they were simultaneously nearing the small pond's waterfall. Little did they know that eyes were watching their dance of the amorous. {Amorous is "Showing feelings of sexual desire, meaning "the" isn't needed. Dance of amorous, is just fine.}

    ***

    ''Hey, Jones!'' Jerry called out to his partner in crime stretching his arm toward a couple in a pond. ''We might have witnesses here, it seems!'' [You have a problem here, this line basically means that Generic Cop Name #2 is reaching into the pond, when in fact GCN#2 is actually at the car. Add a full stop so we can understand that it is in fact Jerry reaching in the pond.]

    Jones' head twitched, his arm grabbed the gun from the top of the car and reached for the binoculars around his neck. He directed the binoculars toward Jerry's hand, then towards the direction to which Jerry was pointing. ''Keep quiet, Jer...!'' Jones always called Jerry Jer when he couldn't find his attitude appropriate. And this was such an instance. {Completely useless exposition that has no bearing on the story.}

    ''Do you want them to hear us,Jer...?!'', Jones tried to sound like a snake and succeeded in doing so {Don't tell us this, it accomplishes nothing.} ''You want them to find out there are people around here who might be doing something illegal...?!''

    ***

    ''Imagine we were really alone around here, Neil...?'' [Bloody hell mate. This is as subtle as a brick to the head. "Oh DEAR Charles I hope no one COMES and KILLS us in this POND because we are totally NOT in a non LINEAR story! Oh CHARLES!" You're literally killing me with this. It's obvious that you tried to be "clever" here and it doesn't work.] asked Alice while yearning for their solitude.

    ''Imagine that this pond was created just for us, Alice...!'' answered Neil, his arm in hers. [Should be "his arm in hers"] He lead her arm to the caressing path; Alice used to caress his hairy chest in a very specific way. [And she doesn't anymore?] The water was doing its thing and Neil's chest was wet. {This is obvious enough, no need to hit us over the head with it.} Alice's chest were tight [How can one's chest be "tight" a chest can be "busty, small, bombacious," whatever you be, "tight" isn't one of them though.] and her hair was curly. Neil could tell; her curliness was to be felt all over her body. [Again with the nonsense prose. It doesn't work to tell us this. You're trying to hard to be "sensible"]


    ''Oh,Neil...!'' answered Alice to his caressing.
    They forgot about everything. They entered in the state of spirit which brought their souls together, [*cough* It's called tranquility *cough*] together in a first place. They met each other for the first time in not that strange a place; it resembled this one, it resembled fertility. [I'm tempted to stop reading right now. What does this line even mean? I mean, I'm a decently down to earth guy, who's a decent romantic im myself. But I don't "resemble my first meeting spot as "fertility"" I can't really understand this.

    ***

    ''Let me see who they are...what they are, Jones,'' {Do we really need to rehash the names every six minutes? "Yo Jer" "Yea, Jonas?" "Let's see these bodies Jer." "You mean 'what' Jonas." "Oh thanks Jer." It's annoying, to see them USE THEIR NAMES IN EVERY SENTENCE. We understand who they are, move on. (You even use tags for god's sakes.)} Jer could not but imitate Jones' snake's tongue. [Here's a better idea. Use the word "hiss" or "hissed" it's the same thing as "to say like a snake." also it removes all the distracting purple prose.]
    ''And what are you expecting to find out, Jer?'' [Again? I swear.] Jones spat in Jer's direction. ''You'd figure they might not be alone, wouldn't you?''

    ''You'd figure that they might be waiting for their company to arrive. Big Mouth isn't a place for no lovers. {Not only is this sentence choppier than my sense of wit (*rimshot*) but it's also basically a mockery of the english language. Usually, I don't care about grammar constructs in dialogue but no self respecting man talks like this.} This is the place I chose for that very reason. My guns smuggling business can't be compromised. 'Make love don't make war', Jer. Ever heard of that saying?'', Jones giggled not sure he understood was Jones was saying. Yet, his heart skipped a beat as he remembered Fannie, a prostitute he used to pay a good visit whenever on his road to Big Mouth mountain. He did not pay her a visit this time. It was her fault. [This entire thing is just... painful to read.]

    ***

    Fannie had been crying a lot that evening. She was just another lady whose make up was falling apart.

    ''Where could he be?'' she thought and she sobbed with no end in sight. ''When is this all going to end?''

    While these questions were piling in her mind, the full Moon was shining straight in her face. The window was open and she was gazing at the solitary Moon. Alone. ''Oh, if Jones were to come!'' she wept, thinking of their first rendezvous when she was young and was beginning her carrier in the state of Nevada. When she and Jones first met, she was 18, had fled home, promissing herself never to come back. Her father, a wealthy businessman, had nothing to offer her, besides his critiques on how short her dresses were. Her mother, practically a slave to her husband, resembled a zombie. She would twitch at every word of Fannie's father.

    ''Is he still thinking of me?'' Fannie asked herself recalling their times. Then she realized that it was getting chilly, so she closed the window, and went back to bed to try and fall asleep. The client was to come early the next morning. A truckdriver. It was not to be Jones... She fell asleep.

    ***
    (I can't really break this paragraph... It reads weirdly no matter how much I separate the stanzas)
    Jerry, that old jailbird, did not mean to change his habits. Liquor, women and good song were everything he craved for. He spent five years in jail before managing to escape and join Jones. ''You are crazy in the head'', was all that his father was telling him as he was still a child. As he grew older and reached his puberty, the words became actions, so he was regularly beaten by his father. The only time he felt safe was when he was with his mother. A silly old cow, as father called her, had a tender heart for her only son. ''Don't you worry, Jerry!'' she used to encourage him. ''That's the only thing he's capable of beating people...look what he's done to me yesterday when you were with your Mary Jane!'' She showed Jerry a big swollen bruise on her right forearm. ''He took me in his arms and shook me, shook me...shook me...'' Small tears of a person gotten used to being abused began to roll down her eyes.
    So, that is what Jerry remembered the best from his teens. As for Mary Jane, he comforted himself that she was too good for him, as she went to marry a wealthy farmer. An arranged marriage had to take place, and Mary Jane's father's debt had to be settled.

    ***

    Happy and glorified as only they could be, Neil and Alice began to think that it was time to leave the amorous pond and its waterfall. Neil's shoulders stretched as he took Alice in his arms and carried her, halfnaked, to the pond's shore. Before they imerged in the pond they had put a blanket on the grass and were now enjoying the sun.

    ''Are you hungry?'' asked Alice.

    ''I'm hungry for you...!'' answered Neil. Alice giggled.

    ''Look what I've got for you!'' Alice showed Neil two hard boiled eggs, winked at him and started to ''juggle'' giddy with them.

    ''I know you like hard boiled eggs...'' she came even closer to him and whispered into his ear, ''...but I like them more than you do...''

    Neil reached for her hands in order to get the eggs.

    ''It is you who boils them Alice.''

    Alice's blue-green eyes shut as Neil covered her body with his. They had made breakfast but forgot all about it; it was love they were making now.

    ***

    Jones had not experienced peace for months. ''The investors in his business'', as he called them, expected results, and they expected them soon. This was not only business to Jones, this was his way of life. He despised the law, moreover he despised the lawmen.

    ''It's them I'm fighting...! I'm not a mere guns smuggler'' he used to say to his investors when late with his deliveries. His spitefulness acted as his pride; it was giving his companions a sense that they could rely on him. A prideful gringo, a spiteful one, moreover, a man who looked down to the law, who wished to smack a sheriff's jaw...all that was enough for the Mexican gangs to hire him for their businesses.

    All he wanted in return was money and women. Yes, yes, still; he could not deny it; deep in his heart of hearts, deep in his whirling emotions, he was really able to experience the shallowness others were accusing him of...


    I'm done for right now. I'll edit and comment some more in a few hours. I just need some cool down time.
    "He slides into second with a stand-up double." - Jerry Coleman
    "Yet today I consider myself the luckiest man on the face of this earth." - Lou Gehrig
    "After Jackie Robinson, the most important black in baseball history is Reggie Jackson." - Reggie Jackson
    "Your Holiness, I'm Joe Medwick. I, too, used to be a Cardinal." - Joe Medwick to Pope Pius XII
    "I think Tim Wakefield would even say tonight that Tim Wakefield got to Tim Wakefield tonight." - Tim McCarver

  6. #6
    Hi there, w.riter! JustRob has already pointed you towards the way to keep your work properly formatted when you copy and paste from Word - I was caught out by that same issue, the first time I posted here. I should also add that stories should only be posted in one sub-forum (I see that you posted the same story here).

    As to the writing itself, I can see that you have some interesting story ideas. As Ptolemy has mentioned, though, awkward grammar and word choice are affecting your attempts to get those ideas across. Be sure to take his notes on board, and remember that writing is a process of continuous learning and improvement for all of us.

    HC
    My novels Hidden Content and Hidden Content are available from Amazon

    Hidden Content Hidden Content

    You can find me on Twitter: Hidden Content

  7. #7
    Quote Originally Posted by HarperCole View Post
    Hi there, w.riter! JustRob has already pointed you towards the way to keep your work properly formatted when you copy and paste from Word - I was caught out by that same issue, the first time I posted here. I should also add that stories should only be posted in one sub-forum (I see that you posted the same story here).

    As to the writing itself, I can see that you have some interesting story ideas. As Ptolemy has mentioned, though, awkward grammar and word choice are affecting your attempts to get those ideas across. Be sure to take his notes on board, and remember that writing is a process of continuous learning and improvement for all of us.

    HC
    Hello, HC!

    Thank you very much.

    W.

  8. #8
    Continues; your critiques & comments will be much appreciated...

    ---

    Neil and Alice heard some distant voices. At first, to them they sounded like a whisper; the clumsy wind that began to blow in their direction managed to carry Jones' and Jerry's voices.

    The more Neil and Alice listened, the more they were aware of other presence in their vicinity.

    ''We shouldn't have come here,'' Neil said as the couple began to put their clothes back on. ''I've heard some nasty things about this place, but haven't really given it much thought. They say that gun smugglers use this tranquil paradise to exchange guns and money.''

    ''It is not your fault. I too wanted to come here, remember?'' Alice said adding to Neil's fright. ''They'll let us go. We are just in love, we don't have anything to do with their crimes.''

    They now stood fully dressed, and Alice was in Neil's in his arms, wondering about her logic; she knew that human instincts are such that one either fights or runs away. She could undertand Neil. He was a police officer.

    ''I know what you're thinking,'' said Neil. ''They are a ghastly bunch. We'd better pack our things and leave this place as soon as possible.''

    The wind started to blow more intensly, as if it wanted to speed them up. The sky welcomed the clouds and was sending them to the Big Mouths peak.

    ''It might start to rain as well,'' said Neil. Despite the precarious moments right here and right now in their lives, he didn't lose his notorious sense of humor; he took Alice by her waist, lifted her in a half horizontal position, and began to carry her to the car parked some ten yards away. Alice giggled, as she was gotten used to such, let's call them -- pranks Neil would pull.

    ''Look...! Look...!'' giddy Alice enjoyed it. ''I'm flying.''

    ''You bet your voluptuous boobies you are...!'' Neil said with a smile on his face and anguish in his heart. They both had to leave this paradise, this very anguishable point of time.

    He took the flying beauty to the prosaic car of his by carrying her under his left muscular arm. With his even stronger right hand he opened the doors of the car and placed her at the back seat.

    ''Here you are safe.'' he smiled at her attempts to put on her bra, but nonetheless he enjoyed the sight. ''Listen,'' he said, ''You know that it is my duty to call my police buddies whenever and wherever. I reckon they will be more than interested in our experience.''

    He lifted his view only to discover that two men were approaching them by hiding behind the trees of the woods around the picturesque pond. The clouds were gone now and the sun revealed the intrusive glory of the brightness of the two men's firearms.

    ''Hey, you!'' Jones hissed loudly. ''What are you doing here?''

    Neil considered this a rhetorical question, a question the aim of which was to buy time. And time flew. Neil and Alice did not have time for this. He gave her a reassuring look, and sat in the car.

    As he began to speed up, Alice and Neil heard shots. According to Neil, who was now driving beyond the look of the criminals, and down a winding road, the worst was literally behind them. Yet, in his mind, winding images resembling the windiness of the road began to slide, and he could almost hear his police buddies talking about the shots of destiny. Was this to follow him and her for the rest of the year?; The police was planning a large scale operation against the gun smugglers, and Neil would bet his police guts that those left behing were indeed gun smugglers.


    ''Alice, are you sleeping?'' asked he gently not wanting to wake her up from her sleep.

    ''Hm...?'' asked his best girlfriend thusfar. ''Did we manage to escape?'' she purred while trying to get herself rid of the last remnants of her dreams. In front of her there was the real deal.

    ''I fell asleep and dreamt about you catching these criminals...!'' purred she some more. ''What is your next step?''

    ''Look, as I've already said, I'll alarm my buddies.'' She could feel uncertainty in his attitude.

    ''Don't worry, dear,'' Alice said while touching him lovingly from behind the driver's seat. ''W'ell stick together; I'm planning on giving you a present all through this evening and all through this night.'' She stressed the word giving.
    ''Look,'' he started again, immitating his insecure tone which he uttered moments before. ''I know what kind of a woman you are. You are impatient. So let us stop this car, forget about the criminal guys we think we've seen, and indulge ourselves with some sweet lovin'?''

    This was all that Alice needed to hear. She left the back seat. She sat on the co-driver seat. She lowered her her heart and her mind toward Neil's groins.

    '' 'Nothing I could say or do to make you displeased.'' was Neil's reaction to what was going on right now, to that very pleasurable moment.
    Last edited by w.riter; May 21st, 2017 at 03:16 AM.

  9. #9

  10. #10
    Quote Originally Posted by Ptolemy View Post
    Another thing, you should put paragraphs, (spaces none of this: ***) between each each new person speaking, as to show the line break. It's more of a form that allows us to recognize when a new speaker is present, not get tripped up and assume that it is the same person talking when there are no tags.

    So onto the story. (I'm just going to copy/paste so it's easier to edit it, I'm going to break it how I feel it should be broken.)
    Highlights in red are words that were spelled wrong, and I fixed.
    Highlights in blue are grammatical errors that I fixed.
    Highlights in green are words that are "unnecessary" and I fixed (aka cuts)
    Highlights in purple are my comments.

    Exchanging kisses,here and there, Neil and Alice were making their way up the Big Mouth mountain. Nothing could stop them. After spotting a shiny pond a few hundred of yards away, in the direction they were heading, they took each other by their hands and made their way to the goal which was the pond Neil mentioned Alice before they began this journey. [Run on sentence, it's 43 words in total, and adds almost nothing other than referencing the "pond" twice. It's redundant. Why do you say "A shiny pond" like they have never seen the pond before, when you then state that "it was Neil's intended destination." Just say: "After seeing the pond Neil had mentioned to Alice before they began this journey..." It's simpler.]They reached the crystal water pond, fed by a small waterfall. It felt like magic. [You can't "feel" magic, a better word would be "looked" or some sort of synonym.] Just before their emerging into the water, they took a deep kiss thus tasting the sweat from their bodies. [How in sweet god's name is "sweat" romantic? This pulled me out of the story, I mean this is romance right? Say "scent" or something romantic not "sweat".] Gratefully, little by little, step by step, {Gratefully, already insinuates that they took it easy getting in. Making these irrelevant.} they were simultaneously nearing the small pond's waterfall. Little did they know that eyes were watching their dance of the amorous. {Amorous is "Showing feelings of sexual desire, meaning "the" isn't needed. Dance of amorous, is just fine.}

    ***

    ''Hey, Jones!'' Jerry called out to his partner in crime stretching his arm toward a couple in a pond. ''We might have witnesses here, it seems!'' [You have a problem here, this line basically means that Generic Cop Name #2 is reaching into the pond, when in fact GCN#2 is actually at the car. Add a full stop so we can understand that it is in fact Jerry reaching in the pond.]

    Jones' head twitched, his arm grabbed the gun from the top of the car and reached for the binoculars around his neck. He directed the binoculars toward Jerry's hand, then towards the direction to which Jerry was pointing. ''Keep quiet, Jer...!'' Jones always called Jerry Jer when he couldn't find his attitude appropriate. And this was such an instance. {Completely useless exposition that has no bearing on the story.}

    ''Do you want them to hear us,Jer...?!'', Jones tried to sound like a snake and succeeded in doing so {Don't tell us this, it accomplishes nothing.} ''You want them to find out there are people around here who might be doing something illegal...?!''

    ***

    ''Imagine we were really alone around here, Neil...?'' [Bloody hell mate. This is as subtle as a brick to the head. "Oh DEAR Charles I hope no one COMES and KILLS us in this POND because we are totally NOT in a non LINEAR story! Oh CHARLES!" You're literally killing me with this. It's obvious that you tried to be "clever" here and it doesn't work.] asked Alice while yearning for their solitude.

    ''Imagine that this pond was created just for us, Alice...!'' answered Neil, his arm in hers. [Should be "his arm in hers"] He lead her arm to the caressing path; Alice used to caress his hairy chest in a very specific way. [And she doesn't anymore?] The water was doing its thing and Neil's chest was wet. {This is obvious enough, no need to hit us over the head with it.} Alice's chest were tight [How can one's chest be "tight" a chest can be "busty, small, bombacious," whatever you be, "tight" isn't one of them though.] and her hair was curly. Neil could tell; her curliness was to be felt all over her body. [Again with the nonsense prose. It doesn't work to tell us this. You're trying to hard to be "sensible"]


    ''Oh,Neil...!'' answered Alice to his caressing.
    They forgot about everything. They entered in the state of spirit which brought their souls together, [*cough* It's called tranquility *cough*] together in a first place. They met each other for the first time in not that strange a place; it resembled this one, it resembled fertility. [I'm tempted to stop reading right now. What does this line even mean? I mean, I'm a decently down to earth guy, who's a decent romantic im myself. But I don't "resemble my first meeting spot as "fertility"" I can't really understand this.

    ***

    ''Let me see who they are...what they are, Jones,'' {Do we really need to rehash the names every six minutes? "Yo Jer" "Yea, Jonas?" "Let's see these bodies Jer." "You mean 'what' Jonas." "Oh thanks Jer." It's annoying, to see them USE THEIR NAMES IN EVERY SENTENCE. We understand who they are, move on. (You even use tags for god's sakes.)} Jer could not but imitate Jones' snake's tongue. [Here's a better idea. Use the word "hiss" or "hissed" it's the same thing as "to say like a snake." also it removes all the distracting purple prose.]
    ''And what are you expecting to find out, Jer?'' [Again? I swear.] Jones spat in Jer's direction. ''You'd figure they might not be alone, wouldn't you?''

    ''You'd figure that they might be waiting for their company to arrive. Big Mouth isn't a place for no lovers. {Not only is this sentence choppier than my sense of wit (*rimshot*) but it's also basically a mockery of the english language. Usually, I don't care about grammar constructs in dialogue but no self respecting man talks like this.} This is the place I chose for that very reason. My guns smuggling business can't be compromised. 'Make love – don't make war', Jer. Ever heard of that saying?'', Jones giggled not sure he understood was Jones was saying. Yet, his heart skipped a beat as he remembered Fannie, a prostitute he used to pay a good visit whenever on his road to Big Mouth mountain. He did not pay her a visit this time. It was her fault. [This entire thing is just... painful to read.]

    ***

    Fannie had been crying a lot that evening. She was just another lady whose make up was falling apart.

    ''Where could he be?'' she thought and she sobbed with no end in sight. ''When is this all going to end?''

    While these questions were piling in her mind, the full Moon was shining straight in her face. The window was open and she was gazing at the solitary Moon. Alone. ''Oh, if Jones were to come!'' she wept, thinking of their first rendezvous when she was young and was beginning her carrier in the state of Nevada. When she and Jones first met, she was 18, had fled home, promissing herself never to come back. Her father, a wealthy businessman, had nothing to offer her, besides his critiques on how short her dresses were. Her mother, practically a slave to her husband, resembled a zombie. She would twitch at every word of Fannie's father.

    ''Is he still thinking of me?'' Fannie asked herself recalling their times. Then she realized that it was getting chilly, so she closed the window, and went back to bed to try and fall asleep. The client was to come early the next morning. A truckdriver. It was not to be Jones... She fell asleep.

    ***
    (I can't really break this paragraph... It reads weirdly no matter how much I separate the stanzas)
    Jerry, that old jailbird, did not mean to change his habits. Liquor, women and good song were everything he craved for. He spent five years in jail before managing to escape and join Jones. ''You are crazy in the head'', was all that his father was telling him as he was still a child. As he grew older and reached his puberty, the words became actions, so he was regularly beaten by his father. The only time he felt safe was when he was with his mother. A silly old cow, as father called her, had a tender heart for her only son. ''Don't you worry, Jerry!'' she used to encourage him. ''That's the only thing he's capable of – beating people...look what he's done to me yesterday when you were with your Mary Jane!'' She showed Jerry a big swollen bruise on her right forearm. ''He took me in his arms and shook me, shook me...shook me...'' Small tears of a person gotten used to being abused began to roll down her eyes.
    So, that is what Jerry remembered the best from his teens. As for Mary Jane, he comforted himself that she was too good for him, as she went to marry a wealthy farmer. An arranged marriage had to take place, and Mary Jane's father's debt had to be settled.

    ***

    Happy and glorified as only they could be, Neil and Alice began to think that it was time to leave the amorous pond and its waterfall. Neil's shoulders stretched as he took Alice in his arms and carried her, halfnaked, to the pond's shore. Before they imerged in the pond they had put a blanket on the grass and were now enjoying the sun.

    ''Are you hungry?'' asked Alice.

    ''I'm hungry for you...!'' answered Neil. Alice giggled.

    ''Look what I've got for you!'' Alice showed Neil two hard boiled eggs, winked at him and started to ''juggle'' giddy with them.

    ''I know you like hard boiled eggs...'' she came even closer to him and whispered into his ear, ''...but I like them more than you do...''

    Neil reached for her hands in order to get the eggs.

    ''It is you who boils them Alice.''

    Alice's blue-green eyes shut as Neil covered her body with his. They had made breakfast but forgot all about it; it was love they were making now.

    ***

    Jones had not experienced peace for months. ''The investors in his business'', as he called them, expected results, and they expected them soon. This was not only business to Jones, this was his way of life. He despised the law, moreover he despised the lawmen.

    ''It's them I'm fighting...! I'm not a mere guns smuggler'' he used to say to his investors when late with his deliveries. His spitefulness acted as his pride; it was giving his companions a sense that they could rely on him. A prideful gringo, a spiteful one, moreover, a man who looked down to the law, who wished to smack a sheriff's jaw...all that was enough for the Mexican gangs to hire him for their businesses.

    All he wanted in return was money and women. Yes, yes, still; he could not deny it; deep in his heart of hearts, deep in his whirling emotions, he was really able to experience the shallowness others were accusing him of...


    I'm done for right now. I'll edit and comment some more in a few hours. I just need some cool down time.
    Hello Ptolemy,

    I've written another piece i.e. continuance of the first piece; it's right above this post. Would you please give me your critique ?

    Thank you very much in advance.

    W.

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