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  1. #11
    Hi Everyone
    Please accept my thanks once again in highlighting and offering advice and assistance in editing this draft.
    I have no delusions, at this point in completing this for publication. That remains a pipe dream.
    This year has been a huge learning curve. My short time since joining WF has been invaluable in helping me.
    So cheers.
    G.

  2. #12
    Member Shemp's Avatar
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    May 2017
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    Grab the reader and yank them in, right from the start. Your story is interesting. You have a good ear for dialogue. But it starts too slowly.

    Do you need an Introduction? If so, I think it could be made stronger, by involving the reader more.

    Or, it might be better to start with dialogue, then employ flashbacks to tell the story. An example of this is Ernest Hemingway's The Snows of Kilimanjaro. A stranded couple. The man, quite possibly dying of an infection, bickering with his wife, as she remains hopeful that help will arrive, before it's too late. Later, via flashbacks, he ponders his life, and the circumstances that led him to where he is, now. If you were interested in going that route, your story might start with

    "The impact caused me lose consciousness........." (and all pertinent dialogue that follows)

    ....then flashbacks of your life in a northern town, and in southern Africa.

    Keep it going, I wanna read more.

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