I Count Sheep


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Thread: I Count Sheep

  1. #1

    I Count Sheep

    My eerie soul grows colder night after night
    I've slept in forbidden darkness
    awaiting what lies beneath me in hades.

    I've become a devil myself
    like the crooked edge of a rusty ole sword
    like the poison antidote in my grandmother's tea
    like the knife I shall use to slit her throat.

    I stand besides her door night after night
    growing more brave.
    I will never turn my other cheek nor will I pray for my enemies
    they will all burn like the wild corns in a fire.

    Like the souless man of the village
    like the crying widow in the morning
    so am I, broken and empty.

    Sleepless nights crawl their spectral ways into my sheets
    and daunting thoughts of murder seeps into me,
    I have only one solution for all this
    I like to count sheep.

    I imagine them jumping over a hurdle-- one by one
    and within a few moments
    another disturbed child slips into the realm of dreams.



    Sent from my RCT6303W87M7 using Tapatalk
    Last edited by rickyknight1; May 13th, 2017 at 12:31 AM.

  2. #2
    Deleted by Firemajic
    Last edited by Firemajic; May 18th, 2017 at 02:43 PM.
    She lost herself in the trees,
    among the ever-changing leaves.
    She wept beneath the wild sky
    as stars told stories of ancient times.
    The flowers grew toward her light,
    the river called her name at night.
    She could not live an ordinary life,
    with the mysteries of the universe
    hidden in her eyes....
    Author: Christy Ann Martine

    Death leaves a heartache no one can heal,
    love leaves a memory no one can steal....
    Author unknown.

  3. #3
    Well captured! Bravo.

    I felt it needed trimming to essential words. I changed little. Remove periods. Made one line a mono-stitch to emphasize it and enjambed it into last stanza. I added extra "by one". I'm using my iPad so could not make proper em dash. Make sure you do. Those little dashes don't look right, and em dashes are important tool to have in poetry! Google Character Map to find and copy/paste into your work. You will need to scroll 3/4 down to find.



    My (eerie)soul grows cold(er) night after night--
    I've slept in forbidden darkness
    awaiting what lies beneath (me)in hades(.)

    I've become a devil myself
    like the (crooked) edge of a rusted (y) (ole) sword
    like the poison antidote in my grandmother's tea
    like the knife I shall use to slit her throat(.)

    I stand by (besides) her door night after night
    growing (more)brave.
    I will never turn my (other) cheek nor (will I) pray for (my) enemies
    (they will) all will burn like (the) wild corn(s) in a fire(.)

    Like the souless man of the village
    like the crying widow in the morning
    so am I, broken and empty(.)

    Sleepless nights crawl (their spectral ways)into my sheets
    and (daunting) thoughts of murder seep(s) into me(,)
    I have (only) but one solution . . .(for all this)

    I (like to) count sheep(.)

    jumping over a hurdle-- one by one by one
    and within a few moments
    another disturbed child slips into (the realm of) dreams(.)

  4. #4
    So, Ricky . . . Why the LOL response to my comments? Sas

  5. #5

  6. #6
    Quote Originally Posted by sas View Post
    So, Ricky . . . Why the LOL response to my comments? Sas
    I never responded to any of your comments? I simply clicked the "like" button...

    Sent from my RCT6303W87M7 using Tapatalk

  7. #7
    Ricky, actually you accidentally, I assume, clicked the LOL button, only, at first. And, you've no response to my comments? Are you not responding to comments? I'd like to know for future reference.

  8. #8
    Quote Originally Posted by sas View Post
    Ricky, actually you accidentally, I assume, clicked the LOL button, only, at first. And, you've no response to my comments? Are you not responding to comments? I'd like to know for future reference.
    no I just wanted to tell you im not posting any uneccessary comments is all.

    Sent from my RCT6303W87M7 using Tapatalk

  9. #9
    Quote Originally Posted by rickyknight1 View Post
    no I just wanted to tell you im not posting any uneccessary comments is all.

    Sent from my RCT6303W87M7 using Tapatalk

    Hmmmm. Guess I've no idea what you mean. I'll just assume you don't want poems workshopped. Workshop usually is more of a give and take. But, not a problem.

  10. #10
    Quote Originally Posted by rickyknight1 View Post
    no I just wanted to tell you im not posting any uneccessary comments is all.

    Sent from my RCT6303W87M7 using Tapatalk


    Thanks for the "heads up"... I won't be posting any comments on your poetry.
    I do not think that a simple " THANK YOU" is an unnecessary comment... sure you click the "Thanks "button... but a comment would be nice... it is just good manners.
    She lost herself in the trees,
    among the ever-changing leaves.
    She wept beneath the wild sky
    as stars told stories of ancient times.
    The flowers grew toward her light,
    the river called her name at night.
    She could not live an ordinary life,
    with the mysteries of the universe
    hidden in her eyes....
    Author: Christy Ann Martine

    Death leaves a heartache no one can heal,
    love leaves a memory no one can steal....
    Author unknown.

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