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Thread: May 2017 Poets-in-Progress Challenge: Acrostic

  1. #11
    Member EllaLouis's Avatar
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    Good stuff here!! Think I was too late this month. Maybe June... another reason/another season/ for making whoopee!
    -----
    NaPoWriMo Medallist twice. Just sayin'.

  2. #12

    Uninvited

    Memories morph into terror
    Encroaching midnight mental madness
    Nightly they torture with expertise
    Arrive to torment and tease
    Gaining ground with evil intent
    Entice me to remember
    Relentlessly force me to surrender
    Instigating insanity with whispered lies
    Enthralled by pain they sip my tears

    Offer me exquisite hope
    Fiendishly strip away beliefs

    Destroying my will to stand and fight
    Enemies that reside in my head
    Madness is just a breath away
    Once again I hear them say
    Never will you be free
    Secret demons torment me


    My apologies to the judges for missing my deadline... just wanted you to know your critiques and your time was not wasted... I changed the title, got rid of the "ING" mess and was working on losing the rhyme scheme... Thank you....
    The wishbone will never replace the backbone { Will Henry}

    If you are a writer, reach a reader
    If you are a fighter, teach a leader
    If you are a lover, touch a leper
    If this has helped you, thank you, reader

    If you can read this, teach a thinker

    Author: Lynn Loschky



    Death leaves a heartache no one can heal,
    love leaves a memory no one can steal....
    Author unknown.

  3. #13
    You can never waste my time. I loved your first version- I'm a ing type of guy- it made the piece lively. This version is quite different, more somber, it's good, all your work is, but You handcuffed yourself. The first version is your style, your voice, this version although powerful feels somewhat stilted. It's like you are trying to experiment with a different style. Nothing wrong with that, that's how we learn and evolve. But don't abandon using the rhyme scheme you were using, it just needed a tweak or two, not an overhaul

    Great job as always-- I would have given you a 9 point increase in the PIP

    Un-revised Poem

    Title- 5/3
    Message- 15/13
    Mood- 15/12.5
    Imagery- 15/13
    Mastery of Technique/Form- 25/20
    Movement- 10/8
    Spelling and Grammar- 15/14

    Total Points- 100/83.5

    Revised Poem

    Title- 5/5
    Message- 15/13
    Mood- 15/13.5
    Imagery- 15/13
    Mastery of Technique/Form- 25/25
    Movement- 10/8
    Spelling and Grammar- 15/15

    Point Increase: 9
    Total Points- 100/92.5

    Thank you for doing the revise even though you missed the deadline---- You're a winner and a champion in the truest sense

    warmest
    bob...
    Nature weeps, the devil sings
    at mans greed and pride
    and what it brings

    Just lots of useless
    little things

  4. #14
    Awww, Maestro.... Thank you !!! You are a fabulous Mentor... I was not done working on this... obviously... hahaa... it is stilted and messy, and you are right, I did handcuff myself, I became fixated on my message and meter... plus, I was not crezzzy over this style of poetry... it is so restrictive... in a different way than the handcuffs ... this style felt like a straight jacket... Thank you for your kind words, I am very grateful for your patience....... love you to bits!!!! your friend, Julia, AKA Grasshopper...
    The wishbone will never replace the backbone { Will Henry}

    If you are a writer, reach a reader
    If you are a fighter, teach a leader
    If you are a lover, touch a leper
    If this has helped you, thank you, reader

    If you can read this, teach a thinker

    Author: Lynn Loschky



    Death leaves a heartache no one can heal,
    love leaves a memory no one can steal....
    Author unknown.

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