The Circle **Content Warning** - Page 8

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Thread: The Circle **Content Warning**

  1. #71
    I tend to do the exact opposite for fight scenes. My thinking is that the more commas there are, the slower placed the fight seems. Writing it with long sentences and few commas makes it seem like it's happening much faster, to me anyway. I might have overdone it a bit though, that sentence you used as an example definitely needs at least one comma.

    You're right, that was a complete mess. I changed a few things before posting it and didn't read through again to check it. It's fixed now.
    Last edited by Gold Bearer; May 5th, 2017 at 02:22 AM.

  2. #72
    None of us are perfect.

    And writing tired, or rushed never helps.

    As has been mentioned I think, or in the article Jay linked, write it out, then read it back later.

    Had a story I entered in to a comp critiqued and was advised to go back after a week or so, then edit. If you do it too soon, then you repeat the mistakes.
    Last edited by MadMickyG; May 5th, 2017 at 08:14 AM.
    If we surround ourselves with 'yes' people, how can we grow.

  3. #73
    I've tidied up a few mistakes and rearranged the paragraph order of the first intro chapter, it should read a bit better now.

  4. #74
    I've just written two linked chapters that aren't at the beginning of the story. I've decided not to write it in order but to write the ideas I have as I have them. I can go back and rewrite earlier stuff if I need to. This gives a much better idea of the feel of the main story and the characters. I tried to take on board what I've been told here so hopefully it's a little more show than tell.

    The Garden
    A middle aged man came out of a seer's shop as they were heading for the tavern.
    "You're here! We've been expecting you. I have what you're looking for. Come, come."

    The circle hesitated for a moment and then went into the shop, Sara was first in to question the man.
    "And who are you exactly?"

    "Ahmed. I'm one of the seers who runs this shop and you're looking for a way to save your homeland. The crystals told us you'd be coming and that we have what you need."

    Ahmed took a box down from the bookshelf behind him, laid it on the counter and carefully unlocked and opened it. He took out an object wrapped in cloth and handed it Sara. She unwrapped what turned out to be a large and beautiful red stone.
    "A ruby?" Celina asked.

    Ahmed nodded.
    "Yes and it's what you've been seeking."

    "May I?" Ashara said to Sara. Sara handed her the ruby.
    "It's definitely enchanted."

    Ahmed nodded again.
    "Yes, it makes whoever possesses it invulnerable to hostile magic and mind control."

    Eshra looked sceptically at the ruby.
    "That's it? How is it going to save the Circle?"

    Celina explained the situation to Ahmed.
    "We from a vast empire and we have lots of resources, including magical protection. Are you saying that this will protect us from some potent magic that nothing we have can stop?"

    "I'm afraid I don't know the details, I only know that this is what you've been searching for."

    "How do we know this isn't just to prevent us from finding what we're actually looking for?" Rain asked.

    "Well, I suppose you don't but you can meet the other seers if you don't want to take just my word for it."

    "That's a start, but I'd like to be there when you're scrying." Ashara remarked. "I'm a battle-shaman, if I go on a vision quest while you're scrying I might be able to get more information."

    "Okay. Come back here tonight, when the yellow sun sets."

    "What would you want in return?" Cassandra asked.

    "That's the thing, the crystals told us that you would help us."

    "With what?" asked Alexandria.

    "We're not sure exactly. There's rumours of an orc tribe in the area, maybe they plan to attack. That might be it but we own most of the land behind us and grow various crops, including food and herbs that we sell on but lately it's becoming very hard to grow anything and nobody knows why. The land isn't cursed as fall as we can tell and no spells that anyone can detect have been cast on it."

    "Mind if we take a look?"

    "Shaman, right. Maybe you'll pick up on something. The back door's through here, follow me."

    The outside fields spread out the full width of the street and back about half a mile to a wooded area. Ashara wandered around the garden. Various crops were growing but some looked like they were dying.
    "Most of the struggling crops are in the same area." Sara observed.

    "Yes, which is why we thought magic, maybe a competitor from the other side of town but we can't be sure."

    "It's magic." Ashara confirmed.

    Ahmed looked puzzled.
    "How can you tell?"

    "Because I can feel it. It's subtle but it's definitely there."

    Ahmed looked hopeful.
    "Can you cleanse it?"

    "Possibly. I'll know more hopefully after the vision quest. Do you have ayahuasca ingredients?"

    "I can get them. They grow freely in the forest over there. I'll have the brew prepared for you for this evening."

    "Make it strong, I'm half elven."


    "Tavern?" Eli said hopefully.

    "Tavern." Eshra agreed. They headed for the town centre, the others followed.

    The Scrying
    Ashara and Celina walked into the closed seer's shop and heard Ahmed's voice coming from the back room.
    "We're in here!"

    Twelve seers including Ahmed were sat in a circle with crystals in front of each of them and a large crystal ball in the centre.

    "I left your brew on the table. Drink up."

    Ashara wasted no time, downing it in one and sitting on the table. Celina sat beside her.

    The seers were chanting faster now and slightly louder. The crystals began to glow.

    "How long is this going to take to start properly?" Celina asked.

    "A good hour before anything really happens. Go for a walk if you like, I'll be fine."

    Celina went out to look around the main area of the store. All the crystals on display were glowing, the various colours lighting up the shop. She was outside finishing a join when a small patch of earth rose up just out of her sight. When she went back in she saw that the crystals in the shop were shining brighter now and she hard a faint hum. When she entered the back room again the chanting had stopped and Ashara was still sitting on the table but in a meditative position. The crystal ball in the centre of the room was shining but she couldn't make out what it was showing the seers. She pulled out one of the chairs from the table and sat close to Ashara.

    Ashara was seeing a vision of eight stones of various colours in front of her in a circle like a clock face. White, black, blue, green, yellow, orange, purple, and red. The red one was glowing brightly. 'It's one of a set of eight.'

    All of a sudden there was a sharp, almost deafening thunder clap like sound coming from outside. Ashara was running out the door before Celina knew what was happening. She followed her outside just in time to see a figure rising up from the ground. I stood up with its back facing them, its front facing the forest. It then gradually raised up its arms, ragged cloth covering them. There was another loud thunderclap sound before slowly turning to face Ashara, Celina and the seers that had now gathered outside. One of the seers stepped forward.
    "You have risen my lord."

    The figure continued slowly turning and its hair no longer obscured it skeletal face.
    "I think we just raised a liche." Ashara said casually.

    "I can see that!" said Celina as drew her sword and beheaded the seer. "Didn't see that coming did you."

    The other seers stood stunned, most, including Ahmed, with their mouths open.

    Ashara and Celina walked purposefully towards the liche but stopped when they saw dozens of undead emerging from the trees. Ashara squinted her eyes to get a better look at how many there were.

    When they turned and ran they saw that the seers were already running towards the town centre. Ashara pushed over the headless seer who had now gotten up and was walking towards them as she ran past.
    "Fuck off!"

    Ashara and Celina overtook the seers as they reached the main street and saw the chaos. People were running around everywhere in a panic. Skeletons were rising up from the ground all over town. When they reached the tavern they joined the other six fighting the undead on the street. Eshra walked over to the tavern wall with his hand on his stomach when there was a brief brake in the skeleton smashing and threw up.
    "How much has he had?" Asked Celina.

    "Far more than any human ever should." Cassandra answered.

    "I'm fine."

    Rain turned Celina.
    "Skeletons." he said cheerfully.

    "Yea I think that was me." Ashara responded.

    The six of them all looked at her as if she was a child who'd just broken a vase.
    Last edited by Gold Bearer; May 14th, 2017 at 11:31 PM.

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