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Thread: Growing up

  1. #1

    Growing up

    I went to mother, she guided me to school
    I went to school, they guided me to college
    I went to college, they guided me to society
    I went to society, it guided me to go home
    I went home found my mother
    Surprise! I was grown up!
    Last edited by rogerblingham; April 20th, 2017 at 03:49 AM.

  2. #2
    hello - I like the concept here, but it doesn't really work - this sort of repetitive poem needs to be a lot more witty.

    it falls down from 'society' - which is a bad fit - and the ending is not really a surprise.

    I would take it in another direction - the narrator gets sacked, ends up broke, and has to go back home.
    just an idea...

    Ned

  3. #3
    Ned has offered some great suggestions. I felt the ending was a tad of a letdown as well. I was expecting something, well, more.

    Just my two cents! Thanks for sharing and keep on writin'!
    Carpe Diem.

  4. #4
    I went to mother, she guided me to school
    I went to school, they guided me to college
    I went to college, they guided me to society
    I went to society, it guided me to go home
    I went home found my mother
    Surprise! I was grown up!
    Roger, I happened to really enjoy this. The repetition works here, tightly knit, but in L5 you omit "guided" which is the operative word throughout your poem. This throws the piece off.

    I agree with ned and Daniel. You need a homerun ending in this succinct poem. Not easy. I like ned's suggestion...
    Originally Posted by ned I would take it in another direction - the narrator gets sacked, ends up broke, and has to go back home. just an idea...
    I would go this route, making point in a dialogue rhyme. The dialogue brings mother to "life" who started all this business, to no avail. Incorporating a fun rhyme (even though it's not rhyme poem and that's OK) will make for a clever wrap up. "Something like" I highlighted in blue.

    I went to mother, she guided me to school
    I went to school, they guided me to college
    I went to college, they guided me to society
    I went to society, it guided me to go home
    I went home, mother guided me to my room
    where I could hear her holler "You hadn't saved a dollar!"
    It's your poem to rock! Just a little direction. Just love the concept! Now bring it home! Pun intended
    Last edited by SilverMoon; April 22nd, 2017 at 12:26 AM.
    “Imagination is the only Weapon in the War against Reality” Lewis Carroll

  5. #5
    Dear Silvermoon,
    Quote Originally Posted by SilverMoon View Post
    Roger, I happened to really enjoy this. The repetition works here, tightly knit, but in L5 you omit "guided" which is the operative word throughout your poem. This throws the piece off.

    I agree with ned and Daniel. You need a homerun ending in this succinct poem. Not easy. I like ned's suggestion...

    I would go this route, making point in a dialogue rhyme. The dialogue brings mother to "life" who started all this business, to no avail. Incorporating a fun rhyme (even though it's not rhyme poem and that's OK) will make for a clever wrap up. "Something like" I highlighted in blue.



    It's your poem to rock! Just a little direction. Just love the concept! Now bring it home! Pun intended
    In a lighter mood :That analysis is something appreciable! Looks like I am going to plagiarize from you!
    In a normal thinking mood : I knew about weak ending. But I could not withhold myself from pushing it up here! Thanks for the suggestions.

    RB

  6. #6
    Originally Posted by rogerblingham Looks like I am going to plagiarize from you!
    You have my permission! Please keep writing and posting. You've got some talent going on. Don't want to miss out! Silver
    “Imagination is the only Weapon in the War against Reality” Lewis Carroll

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