Quest For the Crystal Scepter (555 words)


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  1. #1
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    Quest For the Crystal Scepter (555 words)

    “You ready?” asked Juliana.


    Blades were drawn and Juliana's partner darted through the dungeon with only some miniscule light flickering occasionally through the creepy hold. Falling down a hole which took them down a banal passage deeper and treacherous in a desperate attempt for the scepter. Juliana and her partner Mary Mud Leaf were running towards the abyss but this abyss bore eyes and this was eve of achieving her hidden gift to show what was her true power. Juliana was known as the Eyes of Tomorrow but the saddest construct to this power was to be flooded with sorrow. For each time Juliana could grow strong she had to fight off enemies: an abundance of them as her gift was to be activated. Only then she could get to the crystal scepter efficiently.


    “Blades to swing, swing for me, I am the Eyes of Tomorrow I will bring.” said Juliana.


    Monsters a ton of them that were ghosts and ice snakes that looked like pufferfish launched shields that guillotined around like blades were launched at them with full force. They were plowed with Mary’s blades that whipped around the fiends in fine succession. The prolonged to sprint again through the cobble path simply only a straight square direction ensued. After arriving to finally see the scepter of blue crystals she stopped along with Mary to gaze for a few seconds to wonder of it’s marvelling thing that these two are seeing right now.


    “No, it’s a-” stammered Juliania


    “Shieldtower! It was a decoy!” yelled Mary


    Flashbacks along with a gust of wind knocked her back into a flurry of memories and was sent back into her hideout not realizing her family were undead thieves now. Likewise they always thieves it’s what she was meant to be.


    Juliana was stunned to her home covered in feces and zombie blood and as her family were flesh-eating nasty bizarre things. She regained her composure and stayed grounded on her feet in the turd filled room. She charged at them with her sword and took them down with it’s broad blade. Her hair felt dirty from the room she was in and did not know what made her end up in this interior that conjured up the most foul creation of gunk and unholiness.


    She felt a force pushed and she was tortured and stripped bare and wrapped in chains inside.


    “Ahhhhhhh! Nooooo! My body!!!”


    Back where she started and her sorrow was showing more and stronger, eyes of tomorrow brighter, the abyss no more tougher than before and where was the scepter truly? She needed to know this minute. The battle against the dark lord who held the scepter was finally in clairvoyance for Juliana when Mary achieved her goal with her to find the scepter to reward her family of thieves and Juliana's guardians to be flourished of riches.


    “About time! Take down this nightmare!” beamed Jualian


    “Juliana is that you my friend?”


    “Yes, take that scepter away from it.”


    “I am relieved, I will do my best.”


    It vanished but her eyes of tomorrow was bursting out flames to incinerate the ice ghosts and snakes into ash when more came to spring at her and the scepter was still not to be found when they realised they still had to hound it over once more.

  2. #2
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    "​Quest For The Crystal Scepter"

    Are you sure you want to keep this kind of title for your story? I know it's the main focus or plot of the story but I view the title as some sort of cliched fantasy title that you will find around these parts.

    “You ready?” asked Juliana.

    Ready for what exactly? No description? No emphasis?

    Blades were drawn and Juliana's partner darted through the dungeon with only some miniscule light flickering occasionally through the creepy hold. Falling down a hole which took them down a banal passage deeper and treacherous in a desperate attempt for the scepter. Juliana and her partner Mary Mud Leaf were running towards the abyss but this abyss bore eyes and this was eve of achieving her hidden gift to show what was her true power. Juliana was known as the Eyes of Tomorrow but the saddest construct to this power was to be flooded with sorrow. For each time Juliana could grow strong she had to fight off enemies: an abundance of them as her gift was to be activated. Only then she could get to the crystal scepter efficiently.

    (Blades were drawn) Try to make that description a bit more flexible and creative like (She drew out her twin swords hastily and took a stance).

    (Juliana's Partner) I understand that you introduced her later but you can already insert the name of the character here instead of waiting for them to drop down into the hole of the stronghold.

    (Juliana was known as the Eyes of Tomorrow but the saddest construct to this power was to be flooded with sorrow.) Saddest construct? I think you can change this a bit more.

    Monsters a ton of them that were ghosts and ice snakes that looked like pufferfish launched shields that guillotined around like blades were launched at them with full force. They were plowed with Mary’s blades that whipped around the fiends in fine succession. The prolonged to sprint again through the cobble path simply only a straight square direction ensued. After arriving to finally see the scepter of blue crystals she stopped along with Mary to gaze for a few seconds to wonder of it’s marvelling thing that these two are seeing right now.
    (Monsters a ton of them that were ghosts and ice snakes that looked like pufferfish launched shields that guillotined around like blades were launched at them with full force) You can make this description a bit more flexible and I don't understand the part of pufferfish launched shields? Are the snakes supposed to be shaped that way? Like puffed into a huge ball like a pufferfish does? Please be clear here.

    (Mary’s blades that whipped around the fiends in fine succession. The prolonged to sprint again through the cobble path simply only a straight square direction ensued. After arriving to finally see the scepter of blue crystals she stopped along with Mary) The last mention of name was Mary and there was a narration of "She stopped along with Mary", Maybe you should changed it this way (Juliana stopped along with Mary) because the readers might get confused at times.

    (Right now) Please don't put this the readers are aware they are gazing at the scepter at this moment.


    “No, it’s a-” stammered Juliania


    “Shieldtower! It was a decoy!” yelled Mary


    (“No, it’s a-” stammered Juliania “Shieldtower! It was a decoy!” yelled Mary) What? What? What did they do? They stared at the scepter and Juliana stammered while looking at it without some sort of reaction? As for "yelled Mary" you can change into ("Shieldtower! It was a decoy!" Mary bellowed in alarm) You can also make this more descriptive.

    Back where she started and her sorrow was showing more and stronger, eyes of tomorrow brighter, the abyss no more tougher than before and where was the scepter truly? She needed to know this minute. The battle against the dark lord who held the scepter was finally in clairvoyance for Juliana when Mary achieved her goal with her to find the scepter to reward her family of thieves and Juliana's guardians to be flourished of riches.
    I am satisfied with this description it told me the reason why they are after it but it lacks punctation.

    “About time! Take down this nightmare!” beamed Jualian
    “Juliana is that you my friend?”
    “Yes, take that scepter away from it.”
    “I am relieved, I will do my best.”

    Please be descriptive after you put a dialogue tag.

    It vanished but her eyes of tomorrow was bursting out flames to incinerate the ice ghosts and snakes into ash when more came to spring at her and the scepter was still not to be found when they realised they still had to hound it over once more.


    This description feels like a cliffhanger for Book 2 already and I think you need to change it a bit more and make the descriptions improve a bit more.

    I hope you didn't think this was too harsh. I just wanted to help you! I hope this helps improve your writing because I think you can do a bit more better than this first draft



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  3. #3
    I want to really break down the first large paragraph, because I think a lot of my criticisms will apply to multiple sections of what you've posted.

    Blades were drawn and Juliana's partner darted through the dungeon with only some miniscule light flickering occasionally through the creepy hold. Falling down a hole which took them down a banal passage deeper and treacherous in a desperate attempt for the scepter. Juliana and her partner Mary Mud Leaf were running towards the abyss but this abyss bore eyes and this was eve of achieving her hidden gift to show what was her true power. Juliana was known as the Eyes of Tomorrow but the saddest construct to this power was to be flooded with sorrow. For each time Juliana could grow strong she had to fight off enemies: an abundance of them as her gift was to be activated. Only then she could get to the crystal scepter efficiently.
    It's not often that I say this, but I think you're trying to say too much with too little. It can come off as a bit confusing. Without the proper context, I really found myself struggling to imagine where these characters are, what they're doing, and their motivation for doing the same. More specifically:

    Blades were drawn...
    By whom? It's pretty critical that I know this before the end of the same sentence for the purpose of context. Does Juliana have blades? Does her partner? Are they heading toward an enemy who has blades?

    Falling down a hole which took them down a banal passage deeper and treacherous in a desperate attempt for the scepter.
    This sentence is a bit confusing. There's two ideas you're trying to convey here (and please correct me if I'm wrong about this), which are 1. Juliana and her partner fell down a hole, causing them to fall to a deeper and even more treacherous portion of the dungeon, and 2. the reason Juliana and her partner are in the dungeon to begin with is their desire to collect the scepter. It feels strange when you try to tell me the second idea in connection with the first, because one is a very specific detail in the overarching theme of the other. For example, it would be strange if I wrote something like:

    "John nervously ran down the soup aisle in his attempt to collect a turkey on the night before Thanksgiving." Why would I tell you that he's at the store to get a turkey when he's running down the soup aisle? His running down the soup aisle is an insignificant detail to connect to his motive for being where he is and doing what he's doing.

    Through proper context, I could easily imply his reason for being at the grocery store with a more subtle delivery, such as:

    "Turning the final corner before the refrigerated section, John frantically scanned the displays in the center of the aisle. He smiled and heaved a shuddering sigh as he saw that there was still one turkey left in the display case."

    Juliana and her partner Mary Mud Leaf were running towards the abyss but this abyss bore eyes and this was eve of achieving her hidden gift to show what was her true power.
    Help the reader digest this a bit. Proper use of punctuation would help a reader parse what you're trying to say. "Juliana and her partner, Mary Mud Leaf, were running toward the abyss..." Also, be careful when naming multiple people of the same gender, then going on to say "she." In the phrase "...this was the eve of her achieving her hidden gift..." I don't know if you're referring to Juliana or Mary.

    Juliana was known as the Eyes of Tomorrow but the saddest construct to this power was to be flooded with sorrow. For each time Juliana could grow strong she had to fight off enemies: an abundance of them as her gift was to be activated. Only then she could get to the crystal scepter efficiently.
    Woah! You've dropped a lot on me at once, here! Clearly you've given some thought as to how this power is achieved, but the impact of the legend of the "Eyes of Tomorrow" is severely limited when you reveal its entire history in two sentences. I think this is something that you need to spend some time developing.

    Keep writing and developing this. I can sense a lot of what you're going for and I like it.

  4. #4
    Going to make some editing notes in-text in Orange. Between quotes will be more big picture notes.

    Quote Originally Posted by CrimsonAngel223 View Post
    “You ready?” asked Juliana.

    Blades were drawn (Passive voice is a strange choice here. Consider helping your audience understand why blades were drawn. Utility knives? Machete? Combat weapons? Could this be said another way that better benefits the audience.) and Juliana's partner darted through the dungeon with only some minuscule light flickering occasionally through the creepy hold. (The old chestnut—"Show, don't tell."—comes to mind here. You've told us that there are minuscule lights, but not why? Occasional torches? Errant sunbeams? Why is this detail being called to our attention here? If for scene building, why is the rest omitted?) Falling down a hole which took them (This is the first time the subject appears this sentence, and it's a strange place to find it. "Deeper into a hole took them..." seems more like what might be familiar for readers.) down a banal passage deeper and treacherous (How? Up to now, the audience has seen no evidence of danger.) in a desperate attempt for the scepter. (Now might be a good time to introduce the scepter. What's its power? What's its name?) Juliana and her partner Mary Mud Leaf were running towards the abyss, but this abyss bore eyesthis was eve of achieving her hidden gift to show what was her true power. (This section is a run-on, but would require more knowledge to understand how to fix it well. "This was the eve of achieving her hidden gift, the night which would reveal her power." feels right-ish, but still perhaps a bit too passive. Why now, why here, why not earlier in the story? The audience is working through a lot of ignorance about this world already, and every line introduces only questions.) Juliana was known as the Eyes of Tomorrow (So, she's achieving her power, but she's already known for it?) but the saddest construct (This feels like it may have been one thesaurus entry too far. "Construct" doesn't really fit here, at least not as I'm reading it.) to this power was to be flooded with sorrow. For each time Juliana could grow strong, she had to fight off enemies: (Italicized a section that confused me. Why? Juliana could grow strong, but then enemies would attack? Does she manifest them? Are they attracted to her power? Are they real? Illusory?) an abundance of them as her gift was to be (This phrase has so many unnecessary words. "as her gift was to be" feels overlong. Simple language isn't your enemy.) activated. Only then she could get to the crystal scepter efficiently.
    I've made a lot of notes already, but I feel like most of them are informed by one thought: Simple structures and vocabulary will make things more powerful.

    Juliana and her partner readied their blades. The latter strode confidently into the damp stone works of the ancient keep, while the former found herself hesitating before hurrying to follow. Light, what little of it could be found from sunbeams filtering through the crumbling walls, seemed too infrequent for anything but the most cautious pace. Mary Mud Leaf lead the charge deeper into the depths, deeper into the darkness, filling Juliana's thoughts with the infinite treacheries that undoubtedly lurk within. Tonight was meant to be Juliana's adventure, and the grand unveiling of her power. Instead, she felt more apprehension than courage. Despite being known as the Eyes of Power, and having a great deal of strength to draw from her abilities, she only ever remembered sorrow following the activation of her gifts.

    “Blades to swing, swing for me, I am the Eyes of Tomorrow I will bring.” said Juliana.

    Countless monsters, a ton of them that were ghosts, and ice snakes that looked like pufferfish appeared. With them, launched shields that guillotined around like blades ("Guillotined" leaves a certain kind of imagine. Did the shields rain from above like a trap? Were they sent spiraling around the room like flying saw blades? Give your audience a little more detail.) were launched (Careful with repetition.) at them with full force. ("With full force" offers no scale. The full force of a toddler, for instance, is significantly less than the full force of a battlefield explosive. Consider changing this.) They were plowed (Again with the passive voice. Why not just say "Mary deflected the shields as she ghosted through the fiends, cutting and whirling with brutal efficiency."?) with Mary’s blades that whipped around the fiends in fine succession. The prolonged to sprint again (Passive voice robs the reader of context. Whose opinion is it that the sprint is prolonged? Who's doing the sprinting? Why?) through the cobble path simply only (Pick one.) a straight square (Pick one.) direction ensued. (Would "followed" fit better?) After arriving to finally see the scepter of blue crystals (Is this a proper noun?), she (Who?) stopped along with Mary (The audience had no idea who "she" was until now.) to gaze for a few seconds to wonder of its ("It's" is a contraction. It is.) marveling thing that these two are seeing right now. (Tense changed. "she stopped ... are seeing right now." I'd also reconsider this whole sentence.)

    “No, it’s a-” stammered Juliania.

    “Shieldtower! (The audience has no context for this.) It was a decoy!” yelled Mary

    Flashbacks, along with a gust of wind, knocked her ("them"?) back into a flurry of memories. and Juliana was sent back into her hideout, (Where? Why? We have no context for how this came to happen. Perhaps "Julia found herself..." would fit better if there was transportation, magic or otherwise, that Julia wasn't conscious of.) not realizing her family were undead thieves now. Likewise they always thieves (Missing verb, also awkward.) it’s what she was meant to be.

    Juliana was stunned to her home covered in feces and zombie blood and as (Weird tense choice with "as." I'd prefer: "Juliana was stunned to find her home covered in a disgusting quagmire. Blood, rotted flesh, and feces were everywhere. Her family lurched into view, eyes empty of reason, jaws gaping with hunger.") Juliana her family were flesh-eating nasty bizarre things. She regained her composure and stayed grounded on planted her feet in the muck turd filled room. She charged at them, with her sword striking, and took them down with its broad blade. Her hair felt dirty from the room she was in and did not know what made her end up in this interior that conjured up the most foul creation of gunk and unholiness. ("The room's filth seemed to stick to her, in her clothes and hair, and she looked around, unsure of how she found herself here.")

    She felt a force pushed ("She felt herself pushed by an unseen force,") and she was tortured, and stripped bare, and wrapped in chains inside. (Inside what?)

    “Ahhhhhhh! Nooooo! My body!!!”

    Back where she started ("She jolted back to reality in the scepter's chamber,") and her sorrow was showing more and stronger, eyes of tomorrow brighter, the abyss no more tougher than before. Her mind raced, and where was the scepter truly? She needed to know this minute. The battle against the dark lord who held the scepter was finally in clairvoyance for Juliana when Mary achieved her goal with her to find the scepter to reward her family of thieves and Juliana's guardians to be flourished of riches. (This sentence finally lays out the motivation for this mission, but comes too quickly, too critically, and feels like it robs all of the former uncertainty in its haste.)

    “About time! Take down this nightmare!” beamed Jualiana.


    “Juliana? Is that you my friend?” (For absolute clarity, who is this? Was Juliana missing in reality, or in her mind only?)


    “Yes, take that scepter away from the dark lord it.”


    “I am relieved to have you back. I will do my best.”


    It (The dark lord, or the scepter?) vanished, but her Eyes of Tomorrow were bursting out flames to incinerate the ice ghosts and snakes into ash (Redundant.) when more flooded into the room. came to spring at her and The scepter was still nowhere to be found when they realised they still had to hound (Is there a better verb to use it?) it over once more.
    There's a lot here that could be adjusted to fill out the story for the audience. It feels like Juliana may be telling a bar story, rather the reader taking a ride along through the adventure to take the crystal scepter. A lot of the use of passive voice, "Blades were drawn" rather than "She drew her blades" for instance, robs the actions of character agency or action. Something "being impaled on Mary's blades" makes it seem as though this was a consequence of another action, rather than something Mary did intentionally. Same for running through the dungeon, or finding the shieldwall(?) trap. All of these things feel slightly disconnected because there's no structural or logical train to follow for the audience.

    Even something as simple as "As they arrived in the scepter's display room, the sudden quiet of the moment struck them both. Juliana started to hiss out a warning, but Mary's momentum carried her a step forward before she realized what Juliana had already pieced together. A small click on the stone floor was the only warning the two women had before the silence shattered into a cacophony of movement and violence. Ghosts and serpents washed in from the sides of the chamber, screeching their displeasure at the invaders." The sudden silence grants the reader an idea of the uneasy tension Juliana picks up on. Mary's brash sprinting earlier on is given a consequence in stepping on the trap. The howling monsters give immediacy to the threats both women face. All of these combine to paint a picture for the reader that simply saying "Monsters appear and traps fire" wouldn't.

    I think it's worth nothing here that I don't believe this is a bad story, nor that all of these notes indicate that the story is unworkable. I just feel it's a little too hurried, and its contexts and consequences aren't as clear as they could be. Juliana and Mary Mud Leaf are names without a great deal of character, the dungeon feels unclear and undefined, and the central antagonist never appears beyond a single name drop which is immediately replaced by "it" in the final lines. Understanding why Juliana faces the horrors she faces when she uses her powers would endear the audience to the struggle, and knowing what Mary does outside of this particular mission would give her more humanity, even if she was just a mercenary for hire on this job.

    I do like the concept, and genuinely want to see it at its best. I know my edits will look numerous, encompassing, and harsh, but they are in service of making your story reach as many as it can.

  5. #5
    Blades were drawn and Juliana's partner darted through the dungeon with only some miniscule light flickering occasionally through the creepy hold. Falling down a hole which took them down a banal passage deeper and treacherous in a desperate attempt for the scepter. Juliana and her partner Mary Mud Leaf were running towards the abyss but this abyss bore eyes and this was eve of achieving her hidden gift to show what was her true power. Juliana was known as the Eyes of Tomorrow but the saddest construct to this power was to be flooded with sorrow. For each time Juliana could grow strong she had to fight off enemies: an abundance of them as her gift was to be activated. Only then she could get to the crystal scepter efficiently.
    This paragraph pretty well encapsulate the problems I see. Basically, you, the author, are talking to the reader about the events in the story. But that's a chronicle, a history lesson on events in the life of a fictional character. You're informing the reader, sure. But does that entertain, or just inform.

    Why were blades drawn? Unless I know that I have data, not context. As I read that "blades were drawn," this could be two people about to dual. It could be a thousand people drawing, their blades or any number, for any purpose. But at this point I don't know who I am. I could be the one speaking the opening line or someone with her. Since she only asked if someone was ready, we don't know what's going on, either, or where we are in time and space.

    You know all that, of course. So every line of this opening points to images, memories, ideas, and backstory in your mind. But pity me. My mind, as everyone knows, is empty. So for me, every line of this opening points to images, memories, ideas, and backstory in your mind. So here I sit, trying to make sense of the words based on my background and experience.

    As written, without a response, her partner "darted" away leaving her standing there. But how can you dart "through" a dungeon? How sure are you that when you say dungeon the picture you visualize is what comes to a reader's mind? You might want to look up dungeon, because they were not at all like those multi-layered monsters shown in the various computer games. In fact, dungeons were usually in a tower. And even the ones under ground were small, not the multilevel thing you mention. Housing prisoners costs, so the number of prisoners was small.

    But, light flickers "occasionally?" From what? and how often is occasionally? And how can it be creepy. Aren't all dungeons creepy?

    But that aside, When you say, "Falling down a hole which took them down a banal passage deeper and treacherous in a desperate attempt for the scepter," it makes no sense, and needs editing. Forgetting that, no one with brains runs in the dark; forgetting that no one in their right mind places a hole in the middle of a passageway that's unlighted, according to the text our speaker is watching her associate dart away. But in the next line they're both "falling down a hole." How can that be? And "hole" says nothing meaningful. It could be a hole in the floor, or a shaft, but the term hole is too general to be meaningful. And, a hole cannot take anyone "down a passage" because it either led there and they're walking, or they're falling free and will die at the bottom. In any case that passage can't can't be banal, which means common.

    In short: You cannot simply move the characters around like game pieces. For you it's a story. But for them it's real and they damn well care about survival. And that needs to show in their actions and thoughts. So every time you force your character to just "do" something to move the plot, they stop being real.

    At the moment you're telling the story from the outside in, as a dispassionate outside observer. And because you're dictating their actions, if you need smart the character is smart. if you need foolhardy they cheerfully do what the plot calls for. so everyone thinks with your brain and speaks with your voice.

    But your goal isn't to make the reader know the story, it's to entertain the reader with an emotional experience. That sig line at the bottom of my posts says it all.

    So about now, after these critiques, I imagine you feel kind of like you've been kicked in the chops. I did when it was my turn. But none of what's written in this thread has to do with good or bad writing. It has nothing to do with the story's suitability to be told. Nor is it a matter of talent or potential. Simply put, you, like so many hopeful writers, assumed that since they taught us to write in school, and the profession is Writing, all you need is a knack or storytelling, some talent, and a bit of luck.

    If only.

    Remember how many essays and reports our teachers made us write, as against the number of stories? That's because they were making nonfiction writers of us, so we'd be useful to our future employers. They taught us to be concise, accurate, and factual. And, they trained us to tell the reader what they needed to know—an author-centric approach. Great for nonfiction, but useless for fiction, whose goal is to entertain. There, we need an emotion-based approach, one that's character-centric. The difference between the two is that nonfiction uses an outside-in approach. An given that the reader can't either hear or see you, the narrator's voice is dispassionate. The only emotion it contains is that suggested by the punctuation.

    With an inside out approach, we view the scene as the protagonist does, and know what matters to them. To present that, of necessity, you need to give thought to what the character is focused on in the moment they call now, how they view it, and what they think the best response is. Instead of giving them orders, we define their background and personality, and then manipulate the situation so they'll do what we need because they view it as the best course. And that keeps us off the stage and in the prompter's booth where the reader can't see us. As the great Sol Stein observed, “In sum, if you want to improve your chances of publication, keep your story visible on stage and yourself mum.” To clarify, you might read my article, Inside Out. I'm not allowed to link to it, within a post, though.

    So how do you fix the problem? That's simple, though not easy. That you were able to learn the tricks of nonfiction writing says you'll learn those of fiction just as easily—or with the same difficulty, I suppose. And there are many reliable sources for the information. The library's fiction writing section is a great one. The Internet is filled with articles, some of them even mine. But given where you stand at the moment, I'd suggest Debra Dixon's, GMC: Goal Motivation & Conflict. It will give you the nuts and bolts issues of scene and structure. It won't make a writer of you. That's your job, of course. But Deb can give you the necessary tools to build on.

    I truly wish there was a more gentle way of breaking such news, but I've not found one. The good news is that you now know a secret that not one in ten hopeful writers learn because they're trapped in the idea, "I learned how to write, so I'm, set." And the further good news is that if you truly are meant to be a writer you'll find the learning like going backstage at the theater.

    So where does the not easy come in? Well, any profession takes time, practice, and study to master, and writing fiction is no different, so it's no big deal. And as your skill grows, the act of writing becomes more fun—and more real to the writer.

    One final thought: Writing is a journey, not a destination. So if you write a little better each day, and live long enough...

    Hang in there and keep on writing.

  6. #6
    I just want to draw attention to the first paragraph - same reasons as others - but I do think you have a good little nugget here. I enjoyed the names and expressions and the weird little idiosyncrasies, and your voice is certainly unique if not always entirely followable. I also think you world build quite well, invoking parts of the scenery as the characters interact/pass by/do something with it

    “You ready?” asked Juliana.


    Blades were drawn and Juliana's partner[<- name the partner otherwise she becomes a passenger. have them both go otherwise your named MC Juliana is the passenger. You don't want passengers, you want drivers and people that fall off the ride] darted through the dungeon with only some miniscule light flickering occasionally through the creepy hold. Falling down a hole which took them down a banal passage deeper and treacherous in a desperate attempt for the scepter.[<- why do you have this as a sentence fragment - it's not wrong as such but should be used for effect - what effect are you going for?] Juliana and her partner[<- her partner could be implied elsewhere rather than explicitly stated; it just reads smoother] Mary Mud Leaf were running towards the abyss but this abyss bore eyes [<- I love that - so odd it's arresting!] and this was the eve of achieving her hidden gift to show what was her true power[<- this last bit about the eyes and the achieving the gift; it's interesting but clearly it is something Juliana would be thinking about; therefore we are in her POV because bits of her seep into the narration; do you see? That is fine but let us just make sure then that your narration - your written text as oppposed to dialogue - reflects and shows us something of Juliana and how she perceives the world]. Juliana was known as the Eyes of Tomorrow [<- see, this bit is not how Juliana would reflect; who but the most tedious of egomanicas would walk about thinking this about themselves while creeping about a flickery dungeon. Okay okay we've all done it, but we don't tell the whole world about it in stories! So let us know she is known as the Eyes of Tomorrow (which is a helluva cool name by the way) in some appropriately cool way* otherwise it is a bit "Yeah, my name's Bob but I'd really appreciate it if you could, um, call me Eyes Of Tomorrow, mmm?"] but the saddest construct to this power was to be flooded with sorrow[<- this fact works better tacked onto the bit about true power (in other words via deleting the previous bit) otherwse it seems irrelevant. It's a nice line but perhaps make us believe it a bit more; make it not so tell-ish by having her do something, there and then, not in some notional theoryspace, that belies this great sorrow she feels] For each time Juliana could grow strong she had to fight off enemies[<- good. great. wonderful. But this is almost a spoiler alert. Don't tell us she just happens to have to fight off enemies; write an enemy, right there in front of her and make her jolly well earn her grapes and fight it! ] : an abundance of them as her gift was to be activated. Only then she could get to the crystal scepter efficiently. [<- Prove it Make her do it. I don't know if I believe she's capable (challenge accepted?! ) ]


    [*like you do here -> ]“Blades to swing, swing for me, I am the Eyes of Tomorrow I will bring.[<- comma after dialogue and before said etc]” said Juliana.
    Good work. It needs attention but I think with due diligence you could have something, could really get your little sparks of vision to shine without just bombing them in and covering them with gunge.


    Hidden Content Monthly Fiction Challenge


    The first cut don't hurt at all
    The second only makes you wonder
    The third will have you on your knee
    s
    - Propaganda, "Duel"

    *

    Is this fire, or is this mask?
    It's the Mantasy!
    - Anonymous








  7. #7
    You've had some good comments from better folk than I here, but even so my reactions simply as a reader may be of value.

    A characteristic of your style is the repetition of the same word in a sentence, which gives the writing a poetic feel, but I don't know whether this is intentional or accidental because it is erratic. I'm referring to "through" and "through", "down" and "down", "that" and "that" and so on. It annoys me that I don't know whether I'm missing something here or just being irritated by it for no good reason. If the former then develop it further as a consistent writing style, but if the latter I suggest you find suitable alternatives to avoid the replication. Either way be aware that you are doing it. If you want to make your writing more eloquent then you could emphasise such repetition, e.g. "Down a hole, down to a banal passage, always deeper down," that sort of thing, but it depends whether you want the reader to become immersed in the story itself or your writing. Whatever style you choose, you must stick to it consistently so that the reader can mentally adjust to it. Any deviation, even in just a short sentence, will remind them that you are there, so you must establish your own natural writing style that you can maintain in the long run. (Yes, "that" is a very common word admittedly.)

    My other feeling was that it was all too hectic for my aged brain and you were firing too many incomplete facts at me. I would prefer to be indulged more, so dwell a little longer on the details and expand on them before hurrying on. I read very fast and can easily cope with many more words without the pace of the action slackening at all.
    'Sharing an experience creates a reality.' Create a new reality today.
    'There has to be some give and take.' If I can take my time I'm willing to give it.
    'The most difficult criticism that a writer has to comprehend is silence.' So speak up.

  8. #8
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    Thanks you guys, I appreciate your comments!

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